At what level of closeness does exclusion become unacceptable? Disability related question

[avenueq]

So my son has a physical disability which means there are a lot of activities he can't do, which is becoming more apparent with increasing age - he's 12.
A friend's ds is having a birthday party which is an activity ds can't do. In the past ds would have been invited to this boy's party but it was stuff he could do. They haven't seen each other much since starting secondary but the mum and I are still close friends. Ds knows it's the boy's birthday and has been wondering whether he'll see him.

So anyway, the mum just said to me "of we course we couldn't invite your ds to this activity" and left it at that. Aibu to be quite sad? I understand that her ds wants to do this, but aibu to think maybe she could have added "but we'll do sth else with your ds"
She knows he doesn't really have any other friends. She knows it's hard for him.
I just feel a bit gutted but is it a case of just have to accept it?

It's heartbreaking OP, I feel for you as a mother whose child is excluded from things. However, I pick myself up and dust myself off and realize that it is up to me to facilitate positive feelings in my dc and encourage activities that he can actively participate in.

There is a girl with spina bifida (in a wheelchair) in my dd's Brownies and she is so popular with everyone. Her mother is extremely proactive in facilitating things for her and she attends so many different clubs and activities that at this point being in a wheelchair does not seem to have held her back at all. I do appreciate that this may change as she gets older though.

I sympathise. We are going through a very similar stage.
I've had to accept that right now it's down to me to help create opportunities for my DD to make new friendships. I am searching for clubs and activities that she can access - which makes it sound like there are loads out there. There isn't.
It's hard. I know she's lonely.

Thank you for all your contributions, digesting them now

All depends on a number of factors: how close are they, who chose the activity etc. Dd's best friend was quite upset when she realised her dad had deliberately chosen a venue for her birthday party that dd wouldn't be able to attend; apparently he thought she was a bad influence on the other girl because she was making her disability up (I know, I know- venue- but he was a strange man).

Why do you think your DS has had social difficulties at school?

My mother's best friend's daughter was my best friend until we went to high school. We just grew apart. We were still friendly, and still are, but we didn't hang out together. Our mothers remained best friends until my mother died. That's just how it goes sometimes.

It must be a lot of pressure on a child to be someone's only friend. I'd focus on helping him pursue other friendships. When I was in high school, there was a girl in a wheelchair who was quite popular. My son just graduated this week, and there was a kid in a wheelchair in his class - the only one who was cheered by his fellow graduates. I think the disability may be a red herring in this case.

It sounds like the boys have grown apart if they've not seen each other much. That's been their choice and neither you or other mum have pushed for more so it sounds like a natural drift.

Could you have a chat with your friend, ask if she feels they've grown apart? I have to say in my childhood, i was friends as kids with mum's best mate but after primary we grew apart and then i really disliked them in the end but the parents kept pushing it. Maybe your friend recognises they have grown apart and doesn't want to do what my mum and her bf did.

Have you spoken to the school about helping ds make new friends? New friends is a good idea, even if old friend doesn't want to drift.

The disability is not a red herring- it's just that ds has the double whammy of autism and being physically disabled. He's a pain in the backside but also completely adorable at times. He is never going to bond easily with people.

decomposing well sadly that's exactly the problem. There just AREN'T plenty of people willing to be her friend, we don't live in that kind of country. The kids - totally fine. The parents - not so much and as they get older, the kids are starting to notice she's "different" as it's pointed out by the parents all the time.

It's easy to say "well I don't want those people to be her friends anyway" but these ARE her friends. They won't be for long though as the parents are pushing them apart.

I understand OP. I have a 12 year old with ASD and an 11 year old with a physical disability. I've been encouraging my boys to try as many groups and activities for children with disabilities as I can find because it's getting harder for them to do "mainstream" things as they get older.

As many have said...friendships change over time..especially at secondary school.

At primary school, mums make friends too and somehow expect that our kids will always be close.

I remember this happening with my Dsis who was friends with a school mum...and they both expected their DDs to stay close. It didn't happen and they drifted when they went to different high schools.

My DN told my Dsis, just because her and Lucy's mum were friends, didn't mean her and Lucy had to stay close. Dsis would pop to Lucy's mum's house and was gutted when DN said she didn't want to go with her.

I understand that because of the disability, you feel more sensitive and emotional about it.

It's not a case of "I'm alright Jack" as a pp said. It's just life and change.

Even though the boys haven't seen each other for a while, with modern technology, they could easily remain in contact without physically seeing each other... maybe they both aren't that bothered about the friendship anymore.

@Kiwimunted

Good post, with great insight from your perspective.

I do kind of wish posters would understand that yes, this is one individual case, but as a whole the disabled and the autistic do generally struggle to keep an active social life.

It's not as simple as "just make other friends" sometimes.

My Ds is 12 (y8) and the only friends from primary that he's kept in contact with are by online gaming with them. He doesn't see them and they'd never invite each other to parties as they have school friends. They literally follow each other on Instagram, like each other's funny memes and play online console games through headsets.

I think that there's 2 possibilities with your dilemma

1. Birthday boy picked an activity that your Ds can't do and it's not personal.

2. The boys have grown apart and only saw each other because their mums are friends. This is a natural split point.

I think that 1) is just as likely as 2) tbh and don't understand why you won't discuss this when you're close friends.

It's unfair that you have to fight for your son in a way that others don't but I think you should swallow your shyness and invite Bob to do something with your son. I think that the others are right about talking to the school about what they can do for your son with regards to friendships.

avenuq ,although the boys have been friends for a long time it may be that their relationship has moved apart from each other regardless of anything else. You clearly love your son and want him to be happy but you cant force a friendship if like you say they've not seen each other as much since starting secondary. But you friends son is her priority. Its rubbish from your sons point of view but also a time where relationships change naturally and children can grow apart. Do you have any clubs that would suit your son to build resilience and make new friends. Everything can be a million times more difficult when the world is not accessible. I see this at work every day, we need to do better as a society.

The other mum is not obligated to invite your son over.

If your son is having trouble making friends, HE needs to start being a friend. I'm sure there would be things such as community volunteering that he could do.

No one has an obligation to be your son's friend or to invite him to do things.

I think you are protecting your feelings of your ds not being wanted on to him. I wasn't the most popular child, and it didn't make any difference to me if I went to a friends house or they came to mine, I felt just as valued either way.

The only way you will change the situation is by doing the asking, and inviting the friend over. I'm sure your son will be delighted if he says yes.

I understand its tough, and it's always going to be hard for him to have friends so I do feel you need to take the lead on this and not expect someone else's mother to. I do hope they say yes.

Yabvu and unfair. You seem to be angry at the mother for not placing your sons lack of friends as a priority. Why should she? The boys are 12, well past the age of forging friendships for the kids. As harsh as it sounds, it's really not her problem that your ds doesnt have many friends and its certainly not her sons responsibility to be obligated to do so.
Why does she need to organize a separate night out for her son and yours just to please yourll?
I'm sorry op, it sounds like at this age they choose their own friends and her ds is probably not as close to your ds as yours is to hers.
I think you could help your son though, maybe start inviting other kids from class over? Or if there is another hobby that he could do, then maybe new friendships could come out of that?

At this age friendships are pretty fickle and drifting apart isn't unusual. It isn't reasonable to give a young teenage boy like Bob the responsibility of making your DS feel included if they have grown apart. Your DS won't benefit from a pity friendship.

I'd work with the school in general to see what they can do to help your DS make new friends.

To all those saying the mum/kid are not under any obligation here - pause and ask yourself how crap your life would be if everyone around you only did what they were obligated to do.
You don’t have to reach out to support the struggling child, no. But if you were a better person, you would. So if you don’t, it does say something about you, and that something isn’t especially pleasant.

Ps op I would post on the SN boards. You will find a more sensitive and knowledgeable community there, I think.

@TheAngryLlama, but wouldn't you feel worse knowing your "friend" was only there out of pity?

Dear God. It’s not pity. It’s empathy and basic fucking decency, supporting someone who’s in a difficult patch.
What is wrong with some people

Ps OP please do take this to the SN board. You really don’t need this.