At what level of closeness does exclusion become unacceptable? Disability related question

[avenueq]

So my son has a physical disability which means there are a lot of activities he can't do, which is becoming more apparent with increasing age - he's 12.
A friend's ds is having a birthday party which is an activity ds can't do. In the past ds would have been invited to this boy's party but it was stuff he could do. They haven't seen each other much since starting secondary but the mum and I are still close friends. Ds knows it's the boy's birthday and has been wondering whether he'll see him.

So anyway, the mum just said to me "of we course we couldn't invite your ds to this activity" and left it at that. Aibu to be quite sad? I understand that her ds wants to do this, but aibu to think maybe she could have added "but we'll do sth else with your ds"
She knows he doesn't really have any other friends. She knows it's hard for him.
I just feel a bit gutted but is it a case of just have to accept it?

pause and ask yourself how crap your life would be if everyone around you only did what they were obligated to do

Pretty much the same as it is now, I suspect! I live alone, I'm self employed and I'm an introvert. And my life is pretty good, thanks. And I didn't expect other people to assume I needed help to make it that way.

I just think friendship has to be a mutually beneficial thing and however compassionate a person, if they were only there out of a sense of obligation it wouldn't feel like a friend

To all those saying the mum/kid are not under any obligation here - pause and ask yourself how crap your life would be if everyone around you only did what they were obligated to do.
You don’t have to reach out to support the struggling child, no. But if you were a better person, you would. So if you don’t, it does say something about you, and that something isn’t especially pleasant.

Me being a friend to someone is not the same thing as forcing my child to be a friend to someone. It’s not really on to use my child’s social time to make myself feel good about myself, or even to make another child feel good, if the friendship wasn’t working. I would obviously encourage them to be kind, but I would draw the line at forcing them.

The op expects the mother to organise a side treat for her ds yet she doesnt want to do it herself for the two boys- Hardly fair is it. And when would the op expect its reasonable enough for the mother to stop organizing extra days? When her ds is 15 , 16? I think the op has been very unfair here and the mother hasnt done anything wrong. If the boys havent even seen in each for such a long time, they clearly moved past that friendship.

YABU

Yes it’s sad for your DS, and yes you can see that life and friendships are going to be even harder for him and your heart aches

However it’s jot uo to this other women or boy to facilitate your DS happiness.

Can you reach out to people? Invite some people over? Seek out activities or groups where DS might make some like minded friends?

Plenty of people struggle with the friendship transition at secondary.

Dear God. It’s not pity. It’s empathy and basic fucking decency, supporting someone who’s in a difficult patch

Pffft how many marginalised people do you go out of your way to include in your friendship circle as an adult? Zero?!

Why should you expect more of a 12 year old?

Dear God. It’s not pity. It’s empathy and basic fucking decency, supporting someone who’s in a difficult patch.

I'd say it's really more sympathy than empathy.

If you knew your child wasn't as friendly with the other child, going ahead would be done out of pity.

There's an age of child you can do this with, but not in secondary school.

I remember my DD had fallen out with her friend in primary school and didn't want her to come to her birthday party. I was friends with the mum and didn't feel happy not inviting her. I knew the mum would be upset/offended.

I told my DD the other girl had to be invited or she couldn't have the party...but it was really about me and how the mum would feel, not my DD.

As kids get older, they know their minds better and forcing something like that isn't good.

It turned out fine in my case, as I created a couple of situations to get the girls back on friendly terms before the party...but it's not realistic to keep on doing that.

If your boys had been seeing each other regularly then YWNBU to expect that she might facilitate them celebrating his birthday separately if your ds cant go to the party. But you say yourself that they’ve hardly seen each other for the last 11 months. How many times have you invited her son over for pizza this year? Why are you expecting her to do something which you aren’t prepared to do yourself?
Ds has a friend with ASD. His mum often complains that he struggles with friendships and that my ds is ‘really important to him’. I have had him over a few times for tea and he is a lovely boy and the kids get on well. She has never invited my ds back. I’m happy to make adjustments for his SN, but not for her lack of effort so unfortunately I’m not inviting him again unless it is reciprocated. I know her ds would rather come here but he isn’t the only one with feelings.

Op unfortunately people often don't think about other people's children. If you want your friend to invite your DS over then speak to her and explain.

Friendships change at secondary and if the boys aren't close he won't be invited. Your friends DS also doesn't need to change what he wants to do for his birthday due to your son's needs - as harsh as it sounds.

My daughter has never been invited to a friends birthday - she is now 18. Unfortunately that has to be accepted and I work really hard to plan things and to involve others.

Life with a child with additional is one big fight and unfortunately never ends..

I think you have two issues here OP.

Firstly I agree with other PP’s that your friend is not obligated BUT the fact that she hasn’t even considered you should be testament to the strength of your friendship. However, I would urge you to look at this subjectively without the emotion and consider if it is simply that the boys have drifted apart.

Secondly, I understand how anxious you are to create as normal a life for your child as possible. My daughter has physical disabilities (missing upper limbs) I can honestly say that her friends have always considered her and it has not held her back at all (which is why I feel you should look at this friendship). We have had a couple of issues with adults but I end my involvement with them and they don’t get much of our headspace. She is naturally an introvert and has confidence issues. She is the same age as your DS and I have relaxed my involvement in her friendships. She is doing great and off her own back has started to find herself and her “people”. She has joined a sports team who support her.

There is a big difference between supporting and assisting (which he will thank you for) and being so emotionally involved that it consumes you. You have to set the example of confidence for your son.

I get that it hurts. My dd has a physical disability and when she was fairly young someone in her class told her that "we can't invite you because you won't be able to bowl." She was pretty furious as she could, and did bowl.

After I'd thought about it though, she wasn't close at all to this child. She wouldn't have expected to go to, what was, quite a small party with her. I suspect it was a 5yos way of trying to be tactful in saying they hadn't invited her, and actually making it sound worse. I suspect she wouldn't even have been on the B list.

So think about it rationally. If your dc was not disabled, would you really have expected him to be invited to someone he's hardly seen since September? No, you wouldn't. And actually the party could be pretty miserable for him if he had gone. He sounds quite shy, then to be thrust into a group of boys his age for whom he only knows Bob (or is only friendly with), and they all know each other Not fun really, and puts Bob under pressure to stick to one of his guests rather than mixing with them all.
I would hate to be in that situation even now.

Would you have found it better if she'd said "he's only inviting schoolfriends" or "the boys hardly see each other now, and he's only inviting a few friends"?

By the sound of it, the boys have drifted apart. That happens. But if a friendship means that much you need to put the effort in. Maybe you've tried. Maybe you've asked him round frequently and it's been refused? In which case I would take that as a hint, and move on with encouraging friendships with other children.

You can speak to your friend, tell her that Bob is his only friend and ask if they can meet up. In that case I'd talk to my dc and they would go round and spend time. But unless they got on well on their own accord and wanted to go round, it's not going to translate into a friendship they choose to spend time on. That has to be a friendship outside the "mums are friends" category, and something you can try and encourage, but can't be forced.

@Conflicted2019 my dd's missing her arm too.

Hi OP

I am the ghost of Christmas future! I am a disabled adult and I want to pop up and offer you and your son some hope.

I’m in my early 40s and single. I have many brilliant friendships, people often comment on how strong my friendship circle is. I’ve just had major surgery and recovery isn’t going as hoped, i’m much more incapacitated than usual for much longer than expected and have no local family. My friends have been EPIC in all of this.

My headline is this won’t be forever and it will be OK.

Obviously there is some stuff I can’t do, always will be and always has been. My very closest friends know me well enough to know what is accessible to me and what isn’t, and always try and take it into account when planning stuff. (This is sometimes easier said than done. Planning my own 40th party, finding a venue that was accessible to ME and a few other disabled guests was really hard, sometimes people do the best they can and it’s not ideal for me.)

Beyond my closest friends, people don’t always think about it / don’t realise, and that can be frustrating. It’s actually only a very few people who truly understand the impact my disability has on my life. These are the people who’ve seen me on my worst days, old housemates etc. (I have a very visible and obvious mobility impairment but the way it impacts on me is more complicated than it looks.)

When I am invited to a thing which isn’t ideal or fully accessible, my choice is to go and make the best of it, or not go. It depends what mood i’m in, TBH.

Also sometimes my disability makes me tired and I don’t go to something which is accessible to me. I’ve had experience of people being pissed off about that, but the people that matter get it and don’t take it personally.

But I also try and have an active social life and organise things that work for me and invite the people I want to see and they pretty soon get the idea about what works and reciprocate.

It’s not fair and it’s not right and everything should be accessible and people should understand and it’s more work for me - and, at the moment, you - than it should be, but here we are.

I get that the issue here is not being invited.

I struggled with friendships in secondary school. I suspect some of this was disability-related, but there were many other ways I wasn’t the cool popular one, it wasn’t just about my disability. Disability didn’t help / sometimes gave people an easy out.

I joined a youth theatre - had a bit of a passion for drama - and all of my closest friends from that time were from there, not so much from school.

I get that it’s hard to seek out accessible activities but it’s well worth the effort. Does your son have interests he wants to pursue outside school which might expand his friendship circle too? I’m projecting a bit from my own experience but it worked for me.

Finally, if your son wants to see Bob he does need to be a bit proactive and do the inviting in this situation. It’s annoying and unfair and it shouldn’t be like this but, again, here we are. Does he want to see Bob? If you’ve talked to him and he does, then invite Bob.

I get that all this is exhausting. I’ve talked to my parents about what it was like for them when I was growing up. Sometimes it’s exhausting for me now. At the moment I’m exhausted from the surgery and fighting to sort out a few problems with my post operative care. I’ve told my friends I’m knackered and prefer text messages to phone calls as I can reply to them when I have the energy, and enjoy them even when I can’t reply. All of them have got this except none who keeps calling and is narked with me for not answering or returning her calls when I genuinely can’t. I suspect that friendship is on the way out but at the moment I’m too tired for it.

Being disabled is hard socially. It’s trial and error and, as he grows up, your son will need to develop strategies. It’s exhausting for you both now, I know.

I’m just popping in to say it does get better.

How is your relationship with the mum OP? Have you seen her a lot this year or has it drifted a bit like the boys?

Some friendships you can meet only a couple of times a year and it's like nothing has changed but the majority you need to keep feeding equally. If you are doing all the running, it looks like the other mum is happy to drift and stop bothering. If neither of you have put in much effort, it suggests you both are so she will probably have concluded you want that too.

We have been friends since the boys were babies.
Ds has been for sleepovers in the past etc and the whole family got involved and they all proclaimed how much they adored ds etc

Have you spoken to your friend yet, avenueq?

Ok so given that she knew your ds for 12 years and included him in that amount if parties, dont you think you are being entitled here to expect her to keep doing so ? Her son is 12, has his own friendship group, the boys havent seen in each other for a while - yes you are being difficult and entitled. Just because you are shy you are expecting her to continue forcing the boys friendship. It doesnt mean that they still dont adore your ds.
When do you think is the right age for her ds to just invite who he wants to his own party?

I am sorry OP but you are being very unreasonable here. The boys have not had much to do with each other since starting secondary school so why would you expect that your son would be invited to a party or for any other occasion. This is just what happens at high school, children make their own friends rather than the ones that we make for them when they are younger.
There is no way I would expect to be instrumental in my son's choice of friends. He is is own person and will make friends with who he wants to. Many of the children that my son went to primary with are no longer even mentioned, some are actually disliked by him now. This is growing up and forming your own opinions, outlook, likes and dislikes. There is nobody that has the right to do that for another person.
With each response you seem to be focusing on how it has always been and how much this other family like your DS. It is time to accept that things move on and you can't expect another child to be friends with your son just because his mother is a friend of yours. It won't work. All it will do is build resentment on all sides.
Your job is to help your son make new friends by giving the skills he needs to do so. Encourage him to get involved in any lunchtime or after school clubs where he may find people with similar interests to him. A friendship should be the most natural thing in the world. It should be people that just get and understand each other. A friendship should never be arranged by others as then it becomes a pity friendship or an obligation.
You can still be friends with the mother without your children being friends. My closest friend is the mother of a child that my own son really dislikes. It makes no difference to our relationship.

Is the birthday the red herring perhaps? If the boys are friends then it would be pretty normal for them to be invited to each others’ homes for tea and/or to play (or whatever you call it when boys are teens). My best friend and I were in and out of each others’ houses all the time, no special occasion required. If there is no natural inviting back and forth going on at times other than birthdays then it looks like they have grown apart (which happens to most kids, nothing to do with disability) so it’s not surprising that your DS hasn’t been included in the birthday. I don’t mean this to sound harsh, and you sound like a lively Mum who’s had a hard time, but perhaps you are getting too caught up with the birthday and disability aspects and not realising that this sort of thing is just life?

So you're too shy to ask but expect her too arrange something for 12yo?

You are putting the responsibility for your ds happiness into her. You need to work out why.

It's not easy I get that. My Son also has physical disability and autism (he's 14).
But he's found his own path by joining the local swimming club that has the disability hub.

My friends with kids the same age - their kids have their own lives and social lives. I've never expected them to prevent their children from developing because mine hadn't. However hard and sad it was to watch.

@avenueq is your DS in any clubs or activities where he could start to form new bonds?

We and the SN board might be able to suggest some great new activities/clubs he join that would match (or expand) his interests.

They haven't seen each other much since starting secondary but the mum and I are still close friends

This ^ is the point though.
By 12, it is for individuals to invite their own friends and much younger IMO, but that's neither here nor there on this thread.
12 yr olds can't be expected to invite their Mum's friend's dc to their 'events' regardless of ability or disability.
I get your feeling of sadness, but it isn't the other Mum's responsibility and isn't her ds's responsibility. As your ds has difficulty making friends then that is what you need to direct your energy into, not blaming another person whose responsibility it isn't.

Bob's genuine friendship is not within his mother's gift OP.

You're talking about her making the gesture, but what your son really wants is Bob's regard and that is not something she is in a position to give. She's particularly not in a position to give it if Bob has decided he's not interested in pursuing the friendship any more: inviting DS round would hardly be a kindness to either of the children in those circumstances.

In your shoes, I would take the initiative to invite Bob to yours or for an activity DS and him will both enjoy. As they have known each other so long and your DS is attached, it's worth seeing if the friendship is still there. You'll find out soon enough if Bob still wants a relationship.

And either way, I would strongly focus on doing whatever you can to facilitate DS getting to know more people and having the opportunity to make more friends. Even if Bob is still well up for being mates.

Kindly but just because you and her are friends does not mean your sons have to be friends. Maybe she offered to invite your ds and her son said no he did not want to invite him. Friendships change once they get to High school, and as parents we have to accept that. You can not push friendships in children, if they don’t want to be friends with someone that is their decision.

Our children gauge relationships from parents

If you want ask, then he’ll sense this isn’t the done thing, and will follow your lead.

There’s no harm in asking a friend round, or out etc, I would say with mine at that age it was 50:50.

Some parents arranged meet ups, sometimes the kids arranged something, this is a process of letting go and allowing them to take charge.

No with SEN it’s slightly different and may take a bit longer, but he still needs you to help with his social life and as upsetting as it is that the party invite didn’t happen, you need to smile and do a separate invite