At what level of closeness does exclusion become unacceptable? Disability related question

[avenueq]

So my son has a physical disability which means there are a lot of activities he can't do, which is becoming more apparent with increasing age - he's 12.
A friend's ds is having a birthday party which is an activity ds can't do. In the past ds would have been invited to this boy's party but it was stuff he could do. They haven't seen each other much since starting secondary but the mum and I are still close friends. Ds knows it's the boy's birthday and has been wondering whether he'll see him.

So anyway, the mum just said to me "of we course we couldn't invite your ds to this activity" and left it at that. Aibu to be quite sad? I understand that her ds wants to do this, but aibu to think maybe she could have added "but we'll do sth else with your ds"
She knows he doesn't really have any other friends. She knows it's hard for him.
I just feel a bit gutted but is it a case of just have to accept it?

Yes I can organise but it's not the same. It won't give ds the feeling that he is wanted

OP, I get it. I was like your DS, and I know that my mother worried. It is so hard. I have no advice, unfortunately, but I wish the best for you and your son.

I have a good friend that planned a party that meant my DC couldn't attend because of his health needs. I was a bit gutted momentarily but sent all the usual birthday wishes, realised we'd probably grown apart a bit, so planned something else together. It was nice, the kids had a good time, the friendship continues. I'm pleased I made the effort.

I mean this kindly but it's not your friends responsibility to make your DS feel wanted. People enjoy socialising together when they enjoy the company. Not out of some sort of obligation to make others happy. Perhaps the children's friendship isn't fun anymore but you can plan something together that might change that. You are not powerless here, although I totally get you are a bit hurt and that's clouding your judgement.

I think it's a shame that she didn't add "but we'll do something else with your DS" too.

My DS1 has a friend whose last birthday party involved a climbing wall activity. DS1 has a dreadful fear of heights and didn't want to go, because he knew he'd mess it up for his friend. His friend's mother is a friend of mine too, so I had a chat with her and said that although DS1 would love to come to his friend's party, he was going to decline because of the heights thing. Friend's mother immediately said "Oh well we'll do the climbing thing earlier, and then your DS1 can come over when we get back and stay for pizza etc. at ours".

That's the sort of thing that friends do, IMO, and that's the sort of thing your friend could have done for your DS.

The fact that she didn't says something about the dynamics of your friendships - either the one between your DS and "Bob", or the one between yourselves.

You could be up front with her and ask if there was something post-activity that your DS could come along for - but if she brushes you off again it will be hurtful.
Or you could ask if Bob wanted to meet up with your DS for something else as a birthday thing - that would certainly give you a better idea as to whether or not Bob still wants to be friends with your DS.

I don't think you can hang onto the idea that she should know and should want to do something for your DS - I get that you hope she would, and I understand entirely why - but things change, people change and sometimes it becomes necessary TO "fight your corner", even though you feel you shouldn't have to.

I hope you can get a good outcome from this.

She’s your close friend. You Organise something, get her onboard, then she gets her DS to contact your son and say ‘How about pizza and a film’ or whatever.
Seriously, feeling sad and upset and claiming exclusion on the grounds of disability doesn’t actually change things. Be proactive. She’s a close friend, not a stranger. If you feel uncomfortable asking, think about the reasons why.

DS tried to keep it going with primary friends when he went to a different secondary. But he said mum it just does not work. From then on he kept them apart doing some things with old friends and some with new friends.

I’m with you, OP. I don’t think it’s too much to expect of a close friend that they bear in mind the feelings of a dc, especially when a disability is a barrier to accessing leisure activities.
In your shoes I would go with inviting Bob out for something with your DS.
They may well be growing apart, that’s not unusual from primary to secondary, but friends keep each others’ struggles in mind and bothBob and his Mum could perhaps go a bit further to do so in this case.

What are your son’s hobbies and other interests?

I think its up to you, not the other mum, to plan an activity or whatever for these two boys to do together if thats what you want. I thnk its a bit unreasonable to expect them to plan/pay for an activity for your son to do, just because the activity picked for the party was unsuitable for him. I can understand you feeling upset, but honestly in this situation I would offer to do something they can do together but it be me dealing with the stress of sorting and executing it.

Agree with pp about inviting the birthday boy out for a special treat, why wouldn't you? I think maybe you need to shift your focus a bit and think about why your ds has no other friends? Are there children at school or clubs he goes to that you could encourage him to get to know. I know it's a sad situation but honestly making another child feel guilty isn't the way to gain friends for your ds.

OP, I'm not being mean, but you are pinning all your hopes on your friend; you are expecting her to take responsibility for your son's social activities and bring resentful when it doesn't happen. Maybe she has asked her son if he'd like to spend time with yours, but he feels he no longer has much in common with him and she feels too bad to tell you. Maybe she genuinely hasn't thought to invite your son for tea. If you want things to change, only you and your son can do that. Ask your friend outright. Start looking around for after school groups your son might be interested in. Things don't happen by themselves.

Sending best wishes to you and your son. I'm physically disabled and know the heartache, the sadness over exclusion and missed experiences that you describe.

I understand how you feel OP and a I totally get it

However people, even close friends are not mindreaders

TBH I would explicitly tell your friend what you've told us. Ask her if "Bob" just doesn't want to hang out with your DS any more. Or if there is something they can do together that they would enjoy. And organise it together.

it's crap OP and I am sorry you are going through this. But as you might have noticed also from many replies, we are living in a world of 'I am alright Jacks'. no compassion, understanding willingness to include. I get this also with my DS (different disability though). It's part of disability package. no one with a healthy child without SN gives a shit. And these kids learn from their parents. I despair sometimes.

I would look for friends elsewhere.

Just wondering OP, how often do YOU organise get togethers for the boys? It does sound like you’ve kinda taken your friend’s kindness towards your son a bit for granted, with your insistence that SHE should have thought of your son.

The only person’s behaviour you can change or control is yours. You are wishing and wanting but unwilling to act yourself stating you’re too shy. This really isn’t helping your ds or a good excuse. I think you are so upset with your friend and her ds because you don’t want to be upset with yourself or your ds for struggling with his friendships.

I get it, I really do. I’m disabled too in a different way but not as a child. And the same rules do still apply. I have to put myself out there whenever I’m well enough.

If you want the children to meet up and test the water, actually the best thing to do would be to invite Bob out for his birthday. Ok it’s not what you want. But you will be there to gauge whether or not Bob wants to still be friends with your ds. If he does, then there will possibly be a return invite.

As for comments from some people about inclusivity, I also think it is not fair to expect your friend put pressure on her ds to be friends with your ds. He is allowed to make his own choices. He does not hold the burden of responsibility for being your ds’s friend. That would be absolving all the other children from the neighbourhood and those from the whole school from being inclusive. As a community, yes we should be inclusive, which is why discussing this with school staff members and coming up with a plan is a great idea.

Dd has a friend whose mum has in the past tried to push weekly play dates on my dd and done the same with another child. I have finally managed to back us away from her. She definitely isn’t in the shy category. Dd is friends with the girl. But it’s a friendship, which waxes and wanes. Sometimes seeing a lot of each other, sometimes dd not wanting to have play dates for a long time. They are not besties and once children reach the age of about 7/8 parents really need to slowly back off. Then almost completely in secondary, which sounds like what your friend is doing.

I’m sorry it’s hard for you both. However if you both continue in the same vein expecting everyone to react you’re only going to get the same result: a lonely ds.

I think you need to have a chat with your friend about this and see if something can be arranged.
If you are as close as you say then you should be able to tell her that you are upset that your ds seems to be excluded from things because of his disability and will be upset about not being able to go to the party as he has very few friends.
My child has sn and I wouldn't let it pass without at least talking to the parent and explaining the situation. Unfortunately it just seems to be the way that we have to really put ourselves out there to keep our children from being excluded.

@mooning123

I agree that as a society we should be more inclusive and more compassionate.

But I also think that as individuals we should be allowed to choose our friends. These two boys simply might not be compatible. They might have different personalities, likes and dislikes. Don't you think it's a bit odd that Bob should be compelled to be friends with someone simply because he has a disability? That isn't a friendship is it? Why shouldn't the OPs son have true friends who love him for himself and who genuinely enjoy being with him? That's what OP should be seeking to foster not turning her son into an obligation.

OP - I am afraid you do need to separate out your friendship with Bob's mum and the boys' previous friendship.

I used to meet a few antenatal mums with the kids. As they grew up the boys all went their separate ways. the mums too to some extent but meets as smaller groups or one to ones with a whole group from now and then. it is hard anyway without your son's specific circumstances.

Seriously the last thing you need is for your friend to have to pressurise her son into hanging out with Bob and indeed for her to feel that you are pressuring her to do this.

Ask them over if you want. But be prepared for excuses.

I would explore other sports or clubs that might suit Bob and encourage new friendships that way.

Remember even kids without disabilities go through stages where friendships drift. There are always posts on here where kids have chosen their 6 friends and upset number 7 who wasn't invited and they thought they were close!

It isn't your friend's responsibility neither to your son nor to you to force her son into a relationship he no longer wishes to pursue.

Sorry I have used Bib for your son rather than friend's son so hopefully you can still get my meaning.

So your ds and "Bob" haven't seen much of each other for the past three terms? They don't sound very close, do they? I do get that parents have to be proactive and as a minimum get their dc to contact their friends to arrange a meet-up, otherwise nothing much would happen. But that's a long time for neither of the kids to want to see each other/do something together.

My ds's friend had a birthday party where he wanted a particular activity, which ds couldn't do. His friend still invited ds, but to the latter half of the party instead of the activity. He did that of his own volition because he wanted ds to be at his party, albeit only part of it. If Bob doesn't invite your ds, that might be because limited numbers ensures only the kids he is strong friends with at his school are invited? Maybe he hadn't considered your ds because he wasn't best friends with him in the first place, the friendship being his mother's and yours, and because he hasn't seen your ds for so long he isn't at the forefront of his mind..?

Unfortunately PP are right. The issue is that your ds is struggling to make friends, and not that your friend's son hasn't invited yours to something. That's what you need to address really.

I understand OP.

My daughter is mixed race and we get left out of a lot of things in my husband's country because 'it will be awkward for you because of the language barrier'. There is no language barrier, my daughter is fully bilingual.

Yes, children grow apart. No, they don't need to be included in everything.

But when it's a pattern, of course you start to assume it's about race, disability etc. And it very often is. Difference is scary for people sometimes. We can't pretend otherwise.

I hope your son finds new friends.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis

That's horrible.

But actually I wouldn't want people like that to be our friends. There are plenty of people who will want to be your DDS friend, and OPs son's friend, because they like them and enjoy their company. I wouldn't be trying to force people to be friends out of duty or obligation.

I’ve been the disabled person in this scenario, not helped by undiagnosed ASD. It was still my and parents responsibility to help me be sociable (I had and have barely any friends.)
Try with your son to widen interests, such as clubs for any hobby hel likes.

What happens at breaks/lunch - are there activities that he can do as well as some he can’t?
Why not invite Bob over. If this is reciprocated then friendship may continue, if not I think they have, for whatever reason grown apart. That will be hard to experience, but you’ll know.

YA definitely NBU for feeling upset. But I think unfortunately that the other PPs are correct in saying that just because the two of you are friends, doesn't mean that your son's will remain friends. It's sad for your son and I feel for you but I expect your friend is in an awkward situation if her son actually has grown apart from your son - maybe he's met loads of new friends and doesn't have so much time for childhood friends? It happens literally all the time, it's really common, disability or no disability, and it's awkward for parents because they can't force their kids to be friends with people they've drifted apart from.

Alternatively, it could be as simple as she said - the party is at an activity your son can't attend and that's the only reason he's not invited? Maybe you're overthinking it due to your anxiety about it. But you need to talk to your friend so you know where you stand and make it clear that your understand either option - because it's not her fault if they have just drifted apart. But you won't know how to deal with the situation until you know the real reason.

Are there any social activities you could take your son to, to make new friends? Having just one friend isn't really good for him anyway, especially at that age of transition in a kids life where they grow up and change so much.

I also think that if it IS as simple as your friend said - that he only wasn't invited because he couldn't do the activity - then you need to make the effort to invite them around. Your friend isn't a mind reader - how is she to know how desperate you are for the boys relationship to continue if you never make any effort? You shouldn't push it all onto her. It is pretty unreasonable that you think she should do something extra with your son for her son's birthday because you think your son would like it. If you want to spend time with them then you should make the effort and initiate it. If you don't, how is she meant to know that this is what you and your son want?

I'm writing as someone who was fairly marginalised as a child for a number of reasons

I can think of countless examples in my childhood and youth where I was in situations where I was "forced " into socialising by adults who would insist others spent time with me and it was like hell.

They had no interest in me not I in them and I found the whole situation to be humiliating. Even worse - I ended up with low self esteem due to feeling i was being foisted where I wasn't wanted.

I once visited a family acquaintance and she suggested i visit London with her university student daughter so we could "bond" . I spent the day basically walking behind her daughter whilst I was ignored with no acknowledgement of my presence and the daughter played on her phone .

The thing is I myself didn't actually care - I'm naturally happy with myself and an introvert at heart and I've attracted loyal people who like me for ME as I get older. I'm career driven as an adult in a mega cool job pathway so that's me done.

But it was the idea that I "had" to fit in that did the damage . In my 20s i felt I couldn't just be myself and I was always wasting time with losers or people I had nothing in common with who had to be "bribed " to like me or spend time with me.

Rather than just now thinking "meh" and being more concerned about my own goals and involved hobbies.

Like pps said you need to take a step back and chill out a bit. It's easy to have some picture perfect idea of how your sons social life "should look like" . But just as grown women don't all have a group of cocktail loving "besties" teenage boys don't need a group like the Inbetweeners (in fact If you watch the Inbetweeners you'll see what a hideous lot they are ☺). Your son WILL pick up on your emotions and that's not fair on him.

Loneliness is the human condition - we all feel it sometimes . The super cool Duchess of Sussex commented on how she had years as an actress just working and not making any friends)

Maybe I'm being a bit middle class here but I'd value personal development over "hanging out" with friends

Looking back on my teenage years the things that stuck with me are grades and sports and (although I'm catching up now ) I wish I'd stuck with lifelong things like language learning rather than get bogged down in social politics over whether I had a list of people to go for a birthday tea with .