At what level of closeness does exclusion become unacceptable? Disability related question

[avenueq]

So my son has a physical disability which means there are a lot of activities he can't do, which is becoming more apparent with increasing age - he's 12.
A friend's ds is having a birthday party which is an activity ds can't do. In the past ds would have been invited to this boy's party but it was stuff he could do. They haven't seen each other much since starting secondary but the mum and I are still close friends. Ds knows it's the boy's birthday and has been wondering whether he'll see him.

So anyway, the mum just said to me "of we course we couldn't invite your ds to this activity" and left it at that. Aibu to be quite sad? I understand that her ds wants to do this, but aibu to think maybe she could have added "but we'll do sth else with your ds"
She knows he doesn't really have any other friends. She knows it's hard for him.
I just feel a bit gutted but is it a case of just have to accept it?

So is there a local kids chess club?

Just to add. Ds can get upset and shouty sometimes but rarely outside the family circle. He is very funny and affectionate. Has areas of interest he talks about a lot, currently watches

Huzzah yes, but the kids are all quite a bit younger

Ivana, I am talking about the frankly disablist tone of a lot of these responses. Bob is a cypher - and yes he does hold privilege as he is not disabled. I have nothing against the real Bob but a lot against the idea that we take no responsibility collectively for inclusion. As is evident from this thread.

Have a look at disability sport there might be something he can try a group he can get involved with be it horse riding or swimming anything that gets him meeting other kids who also have limitations that will be able to include your son.

@TanginaBarrons Hmmm, I bet if you pop along to your sons school there will be plenty of kids who don't fit in and are social outcasts. Perhaps you should suggest your son dedicates his weekends to hanging out with them, and tagging them along with his mates. I'd gamble my pension besides your protests he'd not jump at the chance.

Contraception, I think you know the point I am making. My son would have privilege in this scenario so I would expect him to go out on a bit of a limb to be inclusive (and no, I don't mean organising a party around avenueq's son). Avenueq has not asked for anything outrageous fgs!

There is no disablist tone on this post and your frothing is not helping.

Not one single person has said that it’s understandable due to ds’s disability. Not one.

What are you hoping to achieve by inventing things that aren’t there?

Is it so we can all praise how wonderful your “cool and sensitive” son is?

Whatever @HUZZAH212. You are distilling this to an unreasonable argument. If I had a close friend with a vulnerable child damn straight my ds would be making an effort and we would be having him over for pizza - which is after all, all that the op has asked for.

which is after all, all that the op has asked for.

Actually, she hasn’t asked for anything.

Ivana, the absolute lack of inclusion in this thread from some people is definitely verging on disablist. But you carry on, I'm outta here with my perfect ds 😉

Good. Your virtue signalling isn’t helpful.

Oh there is a disabilist tone in the thread but of course the op is just being oversensitive and other poster is frothing

Ok, you've been asked a lot of times now whether you have invited Bob over since the boys last saw each other and haven't answered. I'm guessing because you don't feel comfortable doing so for whatever reason. That's fine but does make it harder to advise.

If you haven't, then I'd repeat the advice that you should. Yes, it would be nice if your friend had taken the initiative, notwithstanding that none of us know what's going on in her life. But she hasn't, so you should. You really can't be unhappy about your friend not doing something you're not prepared to do.

And if you have invited Bob and he hasn't come, well then I think added to the non-invitation to the party, you have your answer. And no, it wouldn't be lovely if your friend were to invite DS round regardless of Bob's desire not to pursue the friendship. It would be really awkward for all concerned. You've said you don't want Bob to feel duty bound to spend time with DS, but if he no longer wishes to be friends, then duty bound is what any social interaction between them would be.

Lastly, whatever happens with Bob, DS needs other friends and social avenues too. Scouts is a good idea. Because people move house, die, fall out, do all kinds of things. Bob might be happy to pursue the friendship now but then they have a huge row in 12 months time. Chess too, is there a chess club anywhere near you? Or other board games maybe, if he likes chess would he be interested in Battleships, Risk, Scrabble?

@TanginaBarrons Unfortunately she has.
Two boys who were friends in childhood solely due to their mothers being friends have now drifted apart.

I don't see what this has to do with a disability. And I'm calling BS on the Disabilist posts. You should quote one if you believe you've seen one.

It's sad that OPs son doesn't have the social interactions that he wants. That's nothing to do with Bob. He no longer wishes to peruse this friendship. And that's Ok

Love to see one person point out what the disabilist posts are.

@TanginaBarrons My mum's friend had a son with SEN when I was a kid. He came to all my parties as a child because my mum included him. I didn't go on to take him out clubbing with me and my mates at 18 because why would I? I think you're getting so wrapped up in your hypothetical inclusiveness that you've completely missed the glaringly obvious points.

We are not talking 18 we are talking 12 years old and why wouldn't you take them to the pub ?

What are the glaringly obvious points just for clarification

Why not speak to YOUR friend - just along the lines of you were thinking of inviting Bob over for a little mini celebration - bit of pizza or something, but were'n't sure if they were still getting on well? Maybe her son has said he doesn't want to be friends any more, which of course would be sad for your DS but kids do drift apart for all sorts of reasons. At least you might find out how things stand then.

Also it's really not great for your DS or Bob, that Bob is his only friend - that's lonely when things go wrong for your DS and also a lot of pressure on Bob and his mum. I really do think finding clubs or other places for your DS to make friends is a must. Also, are there any support groups for other children with autism who are wheelchair users that you could reach out to? My DD is a wheelchair user and has other health issues and a lot of her friends are people she met from support groups - many of them also have health and accessibilty needs which in some ways makes it easier.

I wouldn't take him to the pub because we went to different schools post 11yrs old and didn't clap eyes on each other past that point. Obviously I'm completely unreasonable to not have tracked him down 7yrs later and insisted he spend time with myself and a group of people he'd never met 🤔 - the glaringly obvious point is OP's son and Bob are not friends anymore.

It's patronising to be included just because you are disabled and have an IQ within the "normal" range. I'd rather not be included.

You can't put the responsibility for inclusion on a single child.

I agree finding things he enjoys doing is key here. At this age friend's are going to want to do stuff together.

The birthday boys wishes for his birthday takes precedent over everything else. I wouldn’t like someone dictate to me what I can and can’t do on my birthday, so wouldn’t expect my child to allow it.

Your child is your responsibility and the happiness of your child does not trump the happiness of another child. You need to be responsible for making your child happy, so ask the birthday boy if he’d like to go for pizza or to catch a movie.