At what level of closeness does exclusion become unacceptable? Disability related question

[avenueq]

So my son has a physical disability which means there are a lot of activities he can't do, which is becoming more apparent with increasing age - he's 12.
A friend's ds is having a birthday party which is an activity ds can't do. In the past ds would have been invited to this boy's party but it was stuff he could do. They haven't seen each other much since starting secondary but the mum and I are still close friends. Ds knows it's the boy's birthday and has been wondering whether he'll see him.

So anyway, the mum just said to me "of we course we couldn't invite your ds to this activity" and left it at that. Aibu to be quite sad? I understand that her ds wants to do this, but aibu to think maybe she could have added "but we'll do sth else with your ds"
She knows he doesn't really have any other friends. She knows it's hard for him.
I just feel a bit gutted but is it a case of just have to accept it?

Avenueq's son hasn't moved on though, has he?

Actually it seems he has because he hasn't contacted Bob either. He doesn't even seem upset that he wasn't invited, it's OP that is upset. Many people have pointed out ds might not even want to go.

Oh op, I want to give you a big hug.

Are you unreasonable to be upset for your son? No, of course not.

Would you be unreasonable to voice it or do anything about it? Yes. Your friend is in an impossible position. Her son has moved on with friends and is perhaps resistant to maintaining contact, or at best is ambivalent. The mum rightly isn’t pushing this. Having your son over means her son has to be involved, so she can’t do it without him on board, she is protecting her son, as you are yours.

This is so hurtful for you, I get that. But you can choose to be resentful or resolve to understand she is doing her job as mum as best she can, just like you.

I agree that you could help your son to get some new friendships, at whatever venues or activities would best suit him. Plough your energies into that.

If you and this woman are so close why won’t you talk to her about this? Handwringing will get you nowhere and it isn’t constructive behaviour to model to your son either.

I might be way out of line, but it sounds like you're not upset that he's not invited. From what you say, you're upset that you don't get a break? You've mentioned it a few times now.

it sounds like you're not upset that he's not invited. From what you say, you're upset that you don't get a break?

I think it's both of those things. The OP is sad her DS isn't getting to have a celebration with Bob...like Pizza and sad that the family no longer have him over for sleepovers where she used to get a break.

Ppl have given many suggestions for things you could do to try and help DS with, but you yourself need a break.

Is it possible for you to go away for the weekend and and leave your DH stay and look after DS.
Something like a spa weekend perhaps?

To illustrate, it had got to the stage where we had the conversation about them taking on our children should something happen to us.

Out of interest, was it fairly soon after that convo that she started distancing herself/son did? I would kind of feel hugely pressured with talks like that and would potentially try to avoid encouraging even more leaning on me. If that makes sense.

I really hope that hasn't come out as nasty, but..it wuld make sense. This happened with my niece, in scarily similar circumstances. Best friend all through primary, then slowly started drifting apart, meanwhile the parents relationship started to cool down too. And it was all after my sister had had a (drunk) conversation with her friend where she said that if she should die tomorrow, would friend take on DN as she didn't trust anyone else u=but me and her and apparently I have my hands full enough. I/she thinks this might have freaked her out a bit and thats why the distancing started. Of course, theres no way of knowing this or not. But the timing was suspect to say the least.

Not saying you were pressuring her. Just wondering if maybe I came off too intense or something?

Is DS actually worried about this, or it it just you?

As has been said many times, its possible for you to be the one who starts building the bridge, rather than expecting her to do it?

YANBU for being upset over this. YABU to expect a friend to provide respite, even though I know you will most likely really need it..my sister did. A week a year she would go to some cabin in the woods and just have peace and quiet for a while. She felt both guilty and overjoyed at the same time she said..

Their friendship has already fizzled out. It won't work trying to resurrect it & the other boy might actively resent you trying: which could rebound on your son. Look at other avenues for him to find friends.

It sounds like the boys aren’t close any more, but you want your friend to force Bob to spend time with your son? Because your son has no other friends and it gives you a break? Sorry but that’s completely unfair on Bob and not a true friendship in any case. You’d be better off looking for ways to help your son make new friends. As pp have said, at age 12 your friend can’t decide who Bob’s friends are.

I say this as someone who played with my mum’s friend’s DDs when I was younger but was completely blanked by them at secondary school because I wasn’t cool enough. I’d beg my mum to pop round their house for a coffee with their mum, so I could accompany her, because I had no friends and desperately wanted them to include me. After a while she refused because although the mum made her DDs take me up to their room, it was obvious that I wasn’t wanted. I very quickly became aware that there was no point in adults forcing other teens to include me because they couldn’t make them like me or be my friends.