At what level of closeness does exclusion become unacceptable? Disability related question

[avenueq]

So my son has a physical disability which means there are a lot of activities he can't do, which is becoming more apparent with increasing age - he's 12.
A friend's ds is having a birthday party which is an activity ds can't do. In the past ds would have been invited to this boy's party but it was stuff he could do. They haven't seen each other much since starting secondary but the mum and I are still close friends. Ds knows it's the boy's birthday and has been wondering whether he'll see him.

So anyway, the mum just said to me "of we course we couldn't invite your ds to this activity" and left it at that. Aibu to be quite sad? I understand that her ds wants to do this, but aibu to think maybe she could have added "but we'll do sth else with your ds"
She knows he doesn't really have any other friends. She knows it's hard for him.
I just feel a bit gutted but is it a case of just have to accept it?

Perhaps you could talk to your son's school (tutor, SENCO or pastoral leader) to find out if they could help him by making opportunities to get to know other children? Also join something out of school as pp suggested. To have just one 'friend' is obviously not enough and he seems to need help to develop a a circle of acquaintances that could lead to friendships. I have experience of this kind of thing in a school setting and it can make a big difference.

Childrens relationships change dramatically at secondary school, we've all been through this altered dynamic.

What I'm getting from your OP is the feeling you see "Bob" as your DS 'best mate', which if this were the case, "Bob" would still have that close relationship with your DS. You and The Birthday Mum are mates They haven't seen each other much since starting secondary but the mum and I are still close friends - but I also sense this is a primary school mummy manufactured friendship and not a child driven friendship. "Bob" has widened his circle of friends, and there is nothing wrong with that. This is the normal pattern of secondary school.

You need to get your DS involved in activities he can do, with like people. Your DS also needs the opportunity to be able to expand on his social network on his terms

You haven't commented on the extent of the disability, but my DS went to an all inclusive school with lots of wheel chair users, individuals in callipers, also visually impaired pupils, and some really affected pupils with severe LDs. They all mixed across the spectrum, regardless of ability. To be fair that was the school ethos, the inclusivity. One of the mums set up a specific disability sports team, the school competes nationally and several of the pupils now play for England and Great Britain.

Does Bob still enjoy your son's company? If he does then surely this is easily sorted by inviting him over?

If not, then I'm afraid it is very sad for your son but as is often said on MN, it isn't fair on him to be pushed together with another child just because the mums are friends.

I hope your son can make a new friend soon .

I don't get why you can't invite them? The being shy and the boys not seeing each other hardly and you being very close friends contradict each other.

Maybe her son has simply moved on in his friendship groups, presumably they go to different schools and have different friend circles now.

You should be encouraging new friendships not pinning it all on one. She could move away, he could move to college in a few years etc.

I do agree that your friends DC should be able to choose the activity he wants for his birthday. However, I do not agree with PPs who are saying “the friendship has moved on” etc.

How about we teach our kids a bit of empathy and kindness towards others? No wonder so many people grow up selfish nowadays. Yes this boy can move on to new friends but it would be a nice thing to do to not forget his older friend who is struggling. Or do we just ditch people when they’re not “convenient” anymore? I find this attitude really sad.

Unfortunately, your friend has every right to put her child’s needs first, and one of his needs is to sometimes be able to do his chosen activity.

The most popular girl in my DN’s class is in a wheelchair, and her friends (including my neice) always take her into consideration when planning activities because they want her there. I think you need to delve into the reasons why your DS isn’t making friends rather than try to manipulate a boy into continuing a friendship he might have grown out of. If it’s just the wheelchair your DS is self-conscious about are there societies or parents groups for kids with disabilities / in wheelchairs that you could get involved in? A whole host of activities from rock climbing to sports now have disabled versions but you may need to travel a bit to get your DS to try them.

I get what you mean OP. I can see it both ways - as obviously she can't stop her son doing what he wants to do as he has to include DS but if I was her I would do that party and then arrange to go for pizza or something. Even if they wasn't particularly close anymore - I would do it for you.

Is your son at a new school? Anyone you could ask round for tea etc? I'm sure he'll make new friends OP it's a difficult age when they're all starting to move on

You'r expecting your friend to think about your DS and you, on her DS' birthday. I understand why but it is a bit self-obsessed of you. Your friend may think your DS doesn't want to continue the friendship since you haven't seen them and since your response to the news about the party wasn't to say 'DS can't make that but why don't we all go to the cinema/out for pizza next week to celebrate?'
Sometimes we can slip into tallying up invites or waiting for people to do something for us but I always find life goes much better if you're proactive rather than waiting and watching and resenting.

Can't you invite the lad round to yours for pizza?

Were the boys actually good friends, or was it just thet you were/are friends with the other mother?

If the other boy doesn't want to see your son much, and they aren't really, genuinely close, a 'pity' invite isn't going to do anyone any good.

I don't expect him not to do the activities he wants.

I don't expect to think of my ds on her ds's birthday.

I just wish she could do a small gesture because she does know how much it would mean to ds and me.

I just wish she could do a small gesture because she does know how much it would mean to ds and me.

I mean this kindly, but I think you are having a very hard time and projecting responsibility on to her that isn’t really hers. If you want your children to spend time together, suggest an activity. That will hopefully have the desired result.

I agree with Lillith. Whilst your son is the centre of your world and everyone should try to ensure he's not always being excluded sometimes it's ok that he is. Sometimes other children do need to be put first. On their birthdays for example.

avenueq I totally get how you feel. This boys DM is a close friend. She’s not just any mum of one of DSs friends. Is it possible to ask her if her son feels they’ve grown apart since starting secondary? If he has genuinely moved on there’s not a lot to be done but encourage other activities and by extension hopefully other friendships. It’s so hard to see our kids hurt over friendships.

Maybe she's not that close of a friend OP. If she was you could surely tell her that if her wanted to invite your son over another time instead of the party, he'd love to do that.

*I don't expect her to think of my DS on her DS's birthday

I just wish she could do a small gesture because she does know how much it would mean to ds and me.*

Your second statement is the exact opposite of the first. You are literally saying you wished she thought of your son on her child's birthday. I totally get why you feel like that but she really hasn't done anything wrong.

Whatever happens with Bob I think it's vital that you help your son to make other friends, both at school and at home.

Relying on just one friend is never going to be a good idea. Bob will not always be around. Even if he and your son were best friends at some point their lives will move in different directions and your son will need other friends.

I think this is sad.

My best friend from high school always had problems doing physical activities due to health issues and I would never arrange something she couldn’t do. Then 15 years later when I got married I still made sure she could attend wedding/ hen without issues!!

Maybe for boys it is different or people just don’t care but if my daughter ever has a friend with a disability I would go out of my way to include her.

Some people just don’t think- which is pretty clear from this thread.

You have my sympathies OP and I’m sure your ds will find some new friends soon as he settles in more to secondary school.

Brilliant, so we all just look out and care for ourselves

But you won't invite the birthday boy out for a treat! It works both ways, honestly - just invite him out.

It sounds like they have grown apart. It's not your job as parents to facilitate friendships at secondary. Perhaps her ds didn't want to spend time with your son and his mum feels bad about saying it. If they wanted to stay close they would be sorting it for themselves and the other boy probably would have considered his friend in choosing his birthday party

When it comes to disability, and it sounds quite severe, OP, all this stuff about 'children always' and 'not the other parent's responsibility' is so much claptrap, frankly. We are all responsible for social attitudes to disabilities, and that includes teaching our children to be inclusive. It wouldn't hurt the recent friend of the OP's DS to do something with him. I can understand that the OP doesn't want her DS to suffer yet another rejection by asking herself, though it might be the only way to go. It might be worth seeing if the school can be persuaded to take action, especially if there are other disabled kids who are being excluded. I feel so sad for your DS being isolated like this, OP. It isn't just your responsibility, it's every parent's responsibility.

Clearly if Op’s friend has no friends it’s more about him and his personality than anyone else? Being disabled should not be used as an excuse - plenty of disabled kids have close friendships. This is about him and Op should be focussing on strategies to help him make more friends rather than pin all her hopes on one boy who has outgrown her son.

Op’s son

YANBU I can imagine feeling sad about that. My DD has a friend with a physical disability and we've always chosen activities that she can be included on. There are some where I wasn't sure if she would be able to do it or not and I just opted out to be safe.

It's tricky at secondary school age and it might just be they've drifted apart. I imagine this kind of thing will become less of a problem though as the social life moves away from physical activities.