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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer my bedroom to guests?

317 replies

Tigger0902 · 08/06/2019 01:20

Hi all,
I’m a newbie first of all so hello!
My OH moved into my apartment around 7 months ago. He has some close friends who we go out to dinner etc with and we stay at their house sometimes. They have a 3 bed house, I have a 2 bed flat. They stayed at mine a little over a year ago and I set them up in the spare room. I should add it’s a double room, I have a day bed and trundle in there so plenty of space.
On Tuesday I got a text from my OH saying he had invited them over this weekend and asked if we should offer our room. I replied and said NO to which he said “I already have”. I’ve made it clear I’m not happy about a) him doing this without talking to me about it and b) other people sleeping in my room or my bed.

Am I being unreasonable? I bought a 2 bed so I could have guests stay....in the spare room! And to make things worse, they’re not even the type to say “are you sure you don’t us staying in your room?”

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 08/06/2019 09:09

Tell him he’s being a bad host with his offer, whatever his intentions were. You will make up the spare room, because making houseguests feel at ease (in the GUEST room) is what you do when you are a good host. End of.

PonderingPanda · 08/06/2019 09:11

No way would l give out my room and l certainly wouldn't expect it for me either. I also wouldn't kick my kids out their rooms for others.

Whoopsies · 08/06/2019 09:17

There's no need if you have an adequate spare room. My dsis and her dh stayed with us recently and they had our room, only because we have no spare room so the alternative is an air bed on the living room floor and she was 30 weeks pregnant at the time! But she is my sis so it didn't feel weird (we still share a bed when at our parents if no dhs are with us!)

EL8888 · 08/06/2019 09:18

Spare room for them. You are doing them a favour after all, they don't need to stay. Feeding into the behaviour of high maintenance people rarely ends well. Your partner should have discussed this with you, rather than informing you. Would he be dealing with the resulting 2 lots of bedding, tidying etc?!

Forgotmycoat · 08/06/2019 09:43

Sounds like he is taking over your home which he has recently moved into, inviting them over without having checked with you first, then offering them your bed. It's disrespectful to you.

You need to stick to your guns and put them in the spare room, otherwise it sets a precedent for your oh to think he can get away with stuff like that.

Speaking from bitter experience here.

Fifthtimelucky · 08/06/2019 09:44

I can't see any justification for offering friends your room when there is a perfectly good spare room, but I also can't see why would you offer your parents your room rather than the spare.

Is the issue that your room has an en-suite bathroom and the spare doesn't?

fedup21 · 08/06/2019 09:48

What did he say to make you think the penny dropped?

He sounds like he’s enjoying playing master of the (your!) house which would really annoy me!

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 08/06/2019 09:53

He's making himself at home isn't he?! Tell him you're not moving out of your bedroom, but he's welcome to move out

Surely if he gives there it is his home? He's out of line offering the room and inviting without discussion but from what OP says it seems she views the bed, room and apartment as solely her's. Of course he might just be living there and not contributing but this doesn't sound like a partnership.

I agree they should have the guest room and he needs to sort out the situation.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 08/06/2019 10:22

Wow - he got his feet under the table in no time, didn't he?

I presume he is doing all the hosting - cooking, cleaning and entertaining when they stay.

Scoobydobbywho · 08/06/2019 10:39

If you have a spare bedroom there is no need for them to use your room. My sister did use mine and my dh when she looked after our 2ds for the weekend, otherwise she would have been on a lilo in the eldest room.

BarbedBloom · 08/06/2019 10:47

This is the one way that I am totally selfish as I would never offer my room and bed to anyone else. It is our private space and I am just not comfortable with it. Not that I would be able to sleep on a blow up bed anyway with arthritis. We don't have a spare room just now but family live close enough that no staying over is needed and friends either crash on the pull out bed or get a hotel.

In your case I would just say it is not happening. Even if you were fine about them using your room there should still be a discussion

Original poster
Tigger0902 · 08/06/2019 10:48

It may be my flat but it’s our home, so if he wants to invite his friends over I don’t have a problem with it. It was him giving our room out I did have a problem with.
The master has an en suite but that would mean the main bathroom would be solely for the guests.
I have already told OH that he will be the one to change the bedsheets and clean before they come, as well as play host. He asked if I’d be drinking and my response was “if I’m sleeping in the spare room of my own house I’m going to need more than one drink”, so he’s fully aware of how I feel about the situation.
If it were me, I’d feel really bad and ask if they were sure they didn’t mind. These people won’t care as long as they get what they want and aren’t put out.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 08/06/2019 10:50

I’d love to have a spare room to offer guests! We only have a one room apartment so guests are either on the sofa bed in the living room or they stay in a nearby hotel. The only people that get our bedroom are my parents, or one elderly friend, because the proper bed is higher up and a bit easier to get up from. Glad the penny has dropped with your DP. Honestly, if your friends are not happy with the hospitality you are offering, they can just stay elsewhere.

flowery · 08/06/2019 10:53

”I will set the spare room up and tell them they can stay in there.”

”He asked if I’d be drinking and my response was “if I’m sleeping in the spare room of my own house I’m going to need more than one drink”, so he’s fully aware of how I feel about the situation.”

Your second comment makes it sound like you’re actually going to agree to this!

Original poster
Tigger0902 · 08/06/2019 11:02

Not agreeing AT ALL! I was implying that if he thought was even an option it would take more than a drink for me to agree to it...although I’m not sure anything would change my mind! I did wonder if I was being unreasonable though or selfish but thankfully not.

OP posts:
MorondelaFrontera · 08/06/2019 11:10

If the spare room is not for guests, who is it for then?

I might give my own bedroom to my parents, absolutely would have when my spare bed was a sofa bed in the living room but your OH is weird.

He can have his own preferences, but he is wrong to make YOU give up your bedroom!

category12 · 08/06/2019 11:15

No way. The spare room is for guests. Why on earth? Just what?

BumandChips · 08/06/2019 11:17

Just keep saying no.

WeeMadArthur · 08/06/2019 11:18

YANBU OP. Ex-bf expected his DPs would stay in our room when they visited and thought I was unreasonable not to offer. I pointed out that my (older) DM managed to cope with the spare room when she visited, and he never mentioned offering our room when she came.

They never visited in the end, they preferred us to go to theirs, where they didn’t offer us their room, but put us in the one room in the house with two single beds in a four bedroomed house ( we were in our 30s at the time)

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 08/06/2019 11:19

Not unreasonable or selfish at all Op - very weird of your DP to even offer your bedroom! Glad you're standing your ground & putting them in the spare room (which does sound perfectly lovely!)

Bluntness100 · 08/06/2019 11:22

That's very odd behaviour from him. Why the hell would anyone want to sleep in your bed when they could sleep in the spare room. As a guest I'd be really uncomfortable about that.

Has he explained why he did it?

Rainbunny · 08/06/2019 11:25

If I was a guest I would be mortified to think that I'd turfed the hosts out of their own bedroom! What was your DP thinking? Are they very wealthy? Does he feel the need to impress them?

I wouldn't give up my bed for any visitor but that's my particular bugbear from childhood experiences of being forced to give up my bed whenever an older chain-smoking, unhygienic (and I suspect slightly incontinent) older relative came to stay. As an adult I barely tolerate my DH in my bed Grin

Drum2018 · 08/06/2019 11:29

Well done for standing your ground. Nobody has ever stayed in our room and I have never considered giving it up for anyone.

MockingJay27 · 08/06/2019 11:30

Your partner is insane

fedup21 · 08/06/2019 11:32

He asked if I’d be drinking and my response was “if I’m sleeping in the spare room of my own house I’m going to need more than one drink”, so he’s fully aware of how I feel about the situation

Why does he need to know I’m advance if you’ll be drinking? What an odd thing to ask!

Your reply to him makes it sound like you’ve agreed to sleep in the spare room?

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