To not offer my bedroom to guests?

[Tigger0902]

Hi all,
I’m a newbie first of all so hello!
My OH moved into my apartment around 7 months ago. He has some close friends who we go out to dinner etc with and we stay at their house sometimes. They have a 3 bed house, I have a 2 bed flat. They stayed at mine a little over a year ago and I set them up in the spare room. I should add it’s a double room, I have a day bed and trundle in there so plenty of space.
On Tuesday I got a text from my OH saying he had invited them over this weekend and asked if we should offer our room. I replied and said NO to which he said “I already have”. I’ve made it clear I’m not happy about a) him doing this without talking to me about it and b) other people sleeping in my room or my bed.

Am I being unreasonable? I bought a 2 bed so I could have guests stay....in the spare room! And to make things worse, they’re not even the type to say “are you sure you don’t us staying in your room?”

Op when he stays with them weekly, or you both stay, do you contribute to the food and drinks, ie bring stuff with you?

@BlueSkiesLies Pillow menu

SaraClara the oh AND the guests are cf -

the oh has been living there less than a year and thinks he can speak for the op regarding their home without discussing with her

A the guests coming at all (what if it hadn't been convenient for some reason? Or if she just wasn't feeling up to having guests)

B the sacrificing of her own room (which as this thread shows the majority of people agree excepting extreme circumstances is not normal)

I've been a cohabittee, wife and flat mate and none of the people I've shared with would have dreamt of inviting guests without at least a heads up!

It's not "precious" to be concerned about sharing such a private space!

Are you always a people pleaser?

White lies imo are often a waste of time. It just (especially in circumstances like this) kicks the can down the road! Polite but assertive honesty is often best in awkward situations.

I personally would be making it clear to oh that having guests at all needs to be a joint decision between the couple discussed BEFORE any potential guests are included in the matter. I would also say I have always given whoever I'm sharing a home with the same courtesy too. Yes 9/10 it won't be a problem but sometimes there's a reason it can't happen and you won't know unless you check with your housemate. Eg my ex was army and the guy I cohabited with worked shifts, it would have been really unfair to them to organise visitors without first checking with them re work commitments inc last min shift changes or duties.

Living together necessitates a certain level of - as you yourself say - communication and compromise (though not with people being expected to make compromises way outside their comfort zone)

"Also not everybody has a fancy spare room" why on earth does it need to be "fancy"? Most guests are only staying a night or 2 possibly max a week or 2 and are unlikely to be doing anything other than sleeping/dressing in there!

They sound a bloody cf nightmare all round really!

If we're talking about making guests welcome it's seriously fucking weird not to make or offer overnight guests breakfast! So they're hardly the bastion of good hosting manners themselves!

I'd say '"looking forward to a cooked breakfast when we next stay at yours"yep!

Or

"Isn't it lovely to have a nice breakfast made for you when staying somewhere away from home?"

"The only reason people like this behave the way they do is because others let them away with it." Absolutely!! And as you get older yourself you'll have less and less patience with this sort of nonsense, I turn 47 this year and I'm way past worrying too much what others think.

No thank you?! That's beyond cheeky fuckery that's bloody rude! Time for a chat with oh that they're not welcome again unless their manners seriously improve!!

"We looked after their dogs and house when they went away and the thank I got was “Just got back home, good attempt at cleaning! Can you dog sit in a couple of weeks please?” I said no, not after a lame attempt at a thank you like that!" Jesus yea way beyond cf this is ignorant, selfish and rude!

If he didn't behave properly when staying at theirs that's between him and then - it doesn't warrant there appalling treatment of you!

Well played OP

Swap the beds over for the duration of their stay 😂😂😂

I only gave my bedrooms to my in-laws because they old and my mil has back problems so my sofa bed wouldn't do. You already doing people a kindness in having them over, feeding them etc. A nightmare when you need your clothes, creams etc. Wouldn't want anyone giving me their bedroom either. My sofa bed is a room that can be closed off and the guests have access to the downstairs bathroom. I would probably resent my guests if I had to give up my room

When we’ve gone to theirs I’ve always taken a bottle of something but we will always get a phone call asking for more. When OH stays at theirs he tends to take their dogs out to save them having to do it.
Admittedly, I am a people pleaser and often kept my own feelings bottled up in fear I’d upset other people, even if it meant being really hurt. Now however, I treat people how they treat me (this comes after I treat them how I want to be treated and I get shat on). If things don’t change I obviously see their true colours. With these guys however I feel they have humility. I have definitely pointed out whenever they’ve done something rude. They forgot my birthday for example. Now normally I’m not bothered but this year was a big birthday and thanks to Facebook you’re never likely to forget for long. Mrs CF was on Fb but still didn’t wish me a happy bday so yes I got really annoyed. Since then I have made no effort at all with them. Haven’t seen them since Feb in all honesty and I can’t say I’ve felt bad.
If I do end up staying at theirs in the future I will be making a comment along the lines of “what time is breakfast?” Or “geez, I’m starving. What’s for breakfast?” They’ll probably send OH to the shop to get stuff knowing them!!

My dh decided that my db and sil had to stay in office/guest room.

Db didn't like it but dh didn't care. DH NEVER gives up his/our bed so after 30 years, I think it's not anything I would consider.

When they arrive, simple. Simply show them to the guest room and pretend it's always been the plan.

If they dare say anything, they are CFs ...and deserve spare room anyway.

OP, well done for handling it well.

How exhausting to have awful people like that in your life, and your OH being prepared to be so accommodating of them ahead of you.

I really wouldn't be impressed with his boundaries.

Him offering your bedroom is absolutely extraordinary.

He is in a relationship with you, in your home.

I think he needs to be ver clearly reminded of the pecking order in his life.

I would certainly not tolerate another incident like that.

I’ve just received a text from Mrs CF saying “thanks for having us over” I think I might accidentally forget to reply.

Do you think Mrs CF reads mumsnet?

So OH doesn’t bring food or drink when he stays, or offer any money towards expenses? But he does let the dogs out? And when you stay with them for an entire weekend your contribution is a single bottle?

Leaving aside the weirdness over staying in your room, I think the other stuff is all explicable by your OH and you being the takers in the relationship.

If he’s staying with them weekly he should be cooking a meal, bringing store cupboard food or offering them a sum for expenses. Otherwise it really is taking the piss. He’s using them as a hotel.

If you spend a weekend with people it’s usual to treat them to a dinner out and cover at least half of the alcohol you’ll consume.

I think their attitude and the stuff with the ‘free’ dog sitting is them trying to even things up. You sound a bit rude and blinkered on this, if I’m being honest...

@BazaarMum I would agree with you, but if I invite someone to stay at mine for what ever reason, be it a visit or to provide a place to sleep, I don’t expect or want anything in return, other than the same offer to be made should there be a time I need somewhere to stay. If I’ve got to have dinner, then serving up another plate is not really causing me any additional hassle. When we go out for dinner we always go halves (we possibly end up paying more because of taxis and drinks at the bar), so again, if they have suggested we go out for dinner, how are we being takers? We don’t stay often, OH used to stay once a week but no longer works there so his journey is no longer two hours. We dog sit for them, they’ve never even offered to dog sit for us. We take a bottle of wine and end up picking up more (which neither of us drink may I add; OH doesn’t drink a lot as he drives back and I don’t drink much anyway).
If we are the takers, not once have I ever suggested to stay in the bigger bedroom. We stay in a room with no curtains or blind which is fab in the summer (not) but neither of us have commented on this.
If we were the takers then why continue inviting OH or us over for the last 4 years?

I think it’s the ‘invitation’ bit which OH might have misjudged. If you ‘invite’ someone to stay for a night than absolutely nothing expected. But if you suggest someone stays weekly and effectively give them a room in your house (your term) than that’s an entirely different arrangement. It’s providing accommodation, breakfast and dinner on an open ended basis and that is a mixture of expensive and inconvenient, in as far as you have to host someone in your home. That kind of arrangement obliges the person staying to ensure they cover their costs and mitigate any inconvenience of their presence. My guess is your OH didn’t do this sufficiently and you are now cast in a CF light in all future dealings with them.

As I said before I think they are making a point. It makes them petty and mean spirited, yes, but your OH might want to revisit how that time might have gone down with his hosts...

It depends why. I have a friend who always has my bad as she has a bad back and wouldn’t sleep well in our sofa bed.

So your dh never took them anything? If someone was invited to stay at mine weekly (which I consider to be a MASSIVE favour), I would expect them to bring the ingredients and cook at least alternate weeks or make a financial contribution. It’s an imposition, he used water, electric, generated washing. Come on, no wonder they’re entitled when they come to yours! Taking out the dog is no kind of repayment.

I thought that was the point of a spare/ guest room - for guests. Its damned inconvenient to have to keep nipping in for your clothes etc. The only time we offered our room it was because we don't have a spare room and the guests were a family of 3 (DHs sister). Now our kids have our room so we don't have have that to offer. The kids would have to share and the guests would stay in one of their rooms. We are in the lounge until we buy a bigger house!

I'm not sure what you're saying here. Are you saying your partner stayed with them weekly and unless you were going he took nothing?

OH was always invited, I.e. “are you coming round next Thursday?” If they didn’t ask or mention it, he wouldn’t go. He’d go to theirs after work but would also always ask if they needed anything, and if they did he’d pick it up before heading over. Whether he took anything off his own accord when he first started going, I don’t know; that was before we met. I have a friend that I see weekly. Before I bought my place, I’d go round to hers and always take wine with me. After about the third week, she said “You know you don’t always have to bring me something when you come over?” So now I’ll always ask if she needs anything and when she does I’ll take it. Equally, she now comes to mine every other week and doesn’t bring anything with her, but I think nothing of it.
Again, I’d agree with you BazaarMum if they’d been different at the start and then changed how they were towards OH/ us. But as grown adults surely if they thought they were being used they’d say something and put a stop to him going round? Even after he stopped working there, they still asked him to go over, but it made no sense to so he didn’t.

Why the eff did he do that? I wouldn't want them in my bed either.

omg just read the other things about them, they are USERS! With any luck the crisps and biscuits will give them heart disease and you can get peace. Screw them!

Tigger in reality most (British!) people will hint at something for a long time before ever saying anything direct. As often, saying ‘look, can you please let us know in advance if you are coming or not without us having to chase you. And please can you give us £25 a week for expenses now this has been going on a while now’ will result in the other party being hurt, offended etc. and the friendship changing.

The other couple obviously want to keep the friendship going. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t still hinting at OH’s tone-deafness on social niceties, or anticipating being ‘short changed’.

OH showed similar lack of sensitivity to social expectations in offering your bed to them. It took you to spell it out to him for him to get it.

The type of people they are though, if they weren’t happy about something they wouldn’t leave it for a week let alone years! I do get your point though.
If I was unhappy with how someone was disrespecting my hospitality I wouldn’t invite them again and if and when the time came, I’d address my concerns. Some people may not be aware that their behaviour is rude, but that’s still no excuse to take the expression “make yourself at home” literally!
Funnily enough I have a plaque in my kitchen that says “Make yourself at home...clean my kitchen”

As a guest in someone else's house I would PREFER to be the spare room! The thought of taking up my host's bed is just far too personal and invasive.

Your OH is thoughtless and tactless in offering it to them before even asking you.

Put your foot down. Make a joke of it to them. If they're halfway decent they'll understand.