To not offer my bedroom to guests?

[Tigger0902]

Hi all,
I’m a newbie first of all so hello!
My OH moved into my apartment around 7 months ago. He has some close friends who we go out to dinner etc with and we stay at their house sometimes. They have a 3 bed house, I have a 2 bed flat. They stayed at mine a little over a year ago and I set them up in the spare room. I should add it’s a double room, I have a day bed and trundle in there so plenty of space.
On Tuesday I got a text from my OH saying he had invited them over this weekend and asked if we should offer our room. I replied and said NO to which he said “I already have”. I’ve made it clear I’m not happy about a) him doing this without talking to me about it and b) other people sleeping in my room or my bed.

Am I being unreasonable? I bought a 2 bed so I could have guests stay....in the spare room! And to make things worse, they’re not even the type to say “are you sure you don’t us staying in your room?”

That would be a big fat “no” from me.

Why did he do that?

We recently stayed with my DH’s sister and her partner in their new house. I was shocked when we got there and they told us they had put us in their room. They said it was because it had an en suite so they thought that would make us feel more comfortable and she had also set up a little tray with a little travel kettle and tea and coffee etc for the morning. It was so sweet of her but I really felt uncomfortable to be honest. Obviously didn’t say anything as she had gone to so much trouble to make us comfortable. However, I’m afraid if someone stays with us it would be the spare room!

What time are they arriving?

If the alternative for guests was a day bed and trundle, I'd offer my bed. Hospitality is about making your guests as comfortable as possible.
I no longer have a spare double bed, so couples are given my bedroom. The fold out sofa bed I bought turned out to be really uncomfortable, so I'd never put my guests in it.

You have a partner issue this should have been duscussed

How preposterous. Tell him to stop being so absurd.

Kick your OH out for being such a dick.
If this real of course

If I didn't have a spare, then I would offer my bed, but tbh more to family than friends. It would depend if it's a visit or a convenience situation as well, if they asked to stay because say you went to a concert and you lived closer, or they were actually coming to visit you.

It's not like sharing knickers! Although worst case scenario if a friend needed to borrow a clean pair of pants I would give them one of mine tbh. Washing machines exist.

In this case you have a spare so it's irrelevant. They sleep in the spare.

Why would he do that? Is he normally so arrogant? I think you have a good insight into his character now. Very disrespectful.

I'd feel extremely uncomfortable putting someone out of their bedroom. In fact, if someone suggested it I think I would quickly find a reason to go to the nearest Travellodge or similar instead.

He's making himself at home isn't he?! Tell him you're not moving out of your bedroom, but he's welcome to move out

This ^. Does he often prioritise other people's needs over yours OP? If so, it's a huge red flag.

This is the sort of batshit but well meaning thing my DH would do because he has no benchmark for what's actually proper etiquette and just makes it up as he goes along.

Maybe he thinks that since it's polite to offer someone your bed if there's only one bed then that somehow has gotten mixed up in his head to "you must always give up your room for guests".

Chances are that the guests are equally weirded out and will be quite relieved when they show up and find the spare room prepared for them.

I would just make up the guestroom and usher your OH's friends in there when they arrive. And for the future I would make it very clear to OH that his offer of your room without even consulting you was way out of line, as was the way he went about telling you.

The only time I have given up my bedroom was when we had a house full of guests for Christmas. We put SIL and BIL in our room as all the other rooms were full (my DF was in the guestroom, FIL in the office) and we could camp in our DD's room. I find the logistics of moving out of our bedroom a nightmare - moving all the things I need etc. And there is just something that makes me uncomfortable about someone being in my private space. Now, I love SIL and BIL and I know they would not dream of going through drawers or anything like that, but I would not offer my room to anyone else, not even MIL and FIL (MIL tends to forget that she is not at her own house and goes through drawers, moves stuff around etc)

And the other way round, SIL and BIL always give us their room when we stay over at their place, which makes me very uncomfortable. They insist, and it's only for one night usually, so DH and I just accept, but it still wouldn't be necessary from our point of view as they also have a spare room with a double bed.

Why would your DH do that? Weird... And also disrespectful to you!

When they arrive just show them to the spare room. They won't say anything.

I’m with you. No way are guests sleeping in my bed. The only reason I’d ever agree to this is if I lived in a one bed flat with a sofa bed in the sitting room and the guests were too disabled/frail to manage.

Why would he offer your bedroom when there is a spare room??

The only time I've offered my bed to anyone was when I lived in a 1 bed flat and as I was single I offered my double bed to my parents to avoid them having to share the sofa bed. They refused point blank.

But in a house with an actual spare room and enough beds for the visiting guests?? Of course not! I've often stayed at friends/relatives houses and have slept in whatever's been offered. If guests don't like it they don't have to stay!

I’d be interested to know your partner’s though process behind this. The only thing I can think of that makes sense is that your partner offered from them to stay and the guests declined as for whatever reason your spare room bed is uncomfortable so your partner offered them your bed. I cannot think what other possible reason he could have had for this odd offer otherwise!

I clicked on this thinking it would be about an elderly in law with a bad back who struggled with your guest bed. Even then its very wierd to give up your own bed but woukd do so to stop a much loved parent being in pain.... maybe.

As it is then your guests need to sleep in the guest room. No question.

His offer to them was odd. He should have asked you first. When they arrive, as a few other posters have said, just show them to the guest room. That’s it, I’m sure there won’t be an issue.

Thank you all so much for reassuring me that I am not being unreasonable or selfish in this scenario!
It’s a day bed and trundle that joins to be a double. It’s actually really comfy, when I first got it I slept on it a couple of nights to test it out.
I had a stern word with OH and he said they’ve given him a room in their house (which they sort of have) but I had to remind him that they’ve given him a SPARE room, not their own actual bedroom. I saw the penny drop at this point. I have no problem with him inviting them over, the issue was with the unnecessary sleeping arrangements. If they have a problem with the spare room, quite honestly they are more than welcome to leave after we’ve had food and a movie. (Harsh, I know but if I’ve offered the spare and they've turned it down, that’s their problem)
I will set the spare room up and tell them they can stay in there. They are high maintenance people where’s the OH and I are pretty chilled. Doesn’t mean I have to bend over backwards for them though right?
If my parents came to stay for what ever reason, I’d offer my room, but for friends, that’s what my spare is for.
Thank you again all.

Please tell me that HE is the one who cleans the room, changes the bed and does the washing afterwards and prepares the meals for them when they stay at your flat ?

Since they are HIS friends and he invited them?

I'm guessing that the guests complained about your spare room last time, and when they were invited this time asked if they would have to be in the spare room again, at which point your OH said he would let them have the master bedroom.

Not his call, sadly.

I would do as the others have suggested - show them to the spare room and if they kick off, just look bewildered and say "but why would I give you my bedroom? this is the spare room where guests stay".

I wouldn't give up my room for friends either, not under your circumstances.

nope.my bed.my room.sacred.

Why would he offer your bed when there's a spare room? It's just weird.