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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend used my husband’s name for her baby

359 replies

Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 18:26

Name change to post this as it could be outing.
My husband and I were ttc before he sadly passed away from an undetected heart problem 18 months ago.
I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally. We have one child a girl aged 3. We planned to call our first son after him if we ever had a boy. Of course this never happened.
My best friend of 15 years has just given birth to her son this morning and announced his name as being my husbands name.
I’m finding this so difficult all I have done today is cry, even in front of customers at work so I had to be sent home. It feels very insensitive of her as she knows how special the name is to me and I don’t know how I can move on from this. It wasn’t brought up during her pregnancy, she told me the name she’d picked for a girl but said she didn’t have one for a boy, I now assume she just hid the truth.
I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject. I don’t think I have the strength to see her and meet her son or watch him grow up.
Just to clarify she did know my husband during the 8 years we had been together and was my maid of honour at our wedding, she knew we were ttc and planned to use his name if we had a son, the name is also in the top 20 so I understand I will come across it often.
Aibu to end this friendship? Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 09/06/2019 19:21

I'm usually in the 'you don't own the name' camp but I think she was insensitive especially as she didn't discuss it with you. My son has the same name as one of my best friend's late father (and his middle name is the same name as her son). I knew she wouldn't have an issue with the middle name but I let her know what we were thinking beforehand and told her we didn't have to use it if it would cause her upset. Luckily she was fine by it and feels honoured we've used her family names.

lboogy · 09/06/2019 20:06

Sorry for your loss. FlW, I don't think UABU. Your friend is very insensitive

altiara · 09/06/2019 20:20

Sounds like the friend is in the ‘you don’t own the name’ camp. If she and her DP couldn’t possibly find another name for their DS then the least she could have said was she was naming the baby xxx before the announcement.
Although, do people really consider other adults names? I think I only considered other children’s names when naming mine. So maybe she didn’t consider this, but then didn’t want to have the conversation with you either as you had previously said you’d use the name for a DS.
Think it’s tough, I read the post about the friend that’s child died and they felt like they owned the name. I think that’s where grief has gone too far and that person needs some support. But still no reason for the namer not to be sensitive to what other people are going through.

Newmumma83 · 09/06/2019 20:29

It does seem extremely cruel but so strange of someone has been a friend for so many years as you have stated I wonder if she ever really has listened to you ( like really listened ) to know who you are and have half a clue on how this would make you feel.

I don’t know where it has come from, and I would like to think it’s not malicious / intentional it’s just perhaps she was never the great friend you thought she was, or perhaps she lacks empathy in life.

So sorry for your loss and your new grief of a friendship lost.

If you think it’s worth saving then talk to her about it ... but if not then drift away like we all do from friends we outgrow x x

ArtichokeAardvark · 09/06/2019 20:34

I can understand how you'd feel hurt by this OP but if it's a top 20 name then it's very popular and she may have had it picked out years before she was even pregnant. I suspect she didn't mention it to you for that reason - she wanted to use the name but knew you'd likely take issue with it. It's hard for you, but in the long run YABU as she can use any name she wants for her child.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Mycatwontstopstaring · 09/06/2019 20:55

Yanbu. Given the circumstances she could and should have picked a different name (I disregarded a few that I liked, as being inappropriate for our family, that process is all part of picking a name!) At the very least she could have discussed it with you before definitely deciding. She’s being selfish and a bad friend. I do understand those who say ‘don’t throw away an old friendship’ but it’s also fine just to ditch her as clearly her son’s name is going to sting every time you hear it. Avoid her for a while to give your feelings time to settle.

AnnaSteen · 09/06/2019 21:25

I don’t understand people saying if it’s a popular name UABU. You are definitely not being unreasonable. If my friend who I was maid of honor for lost her husband while ttc and having TOLD me they had picked that name and now that he died they will never have that baby. The tragedy of that... then she is either a) an awful friend because she forgot her best friends husbands name when picking names b) An awful she is either stone cold in her emotions and couldn’t care less if she upset you or c) an awful friend as she is so selfish she went ahead with the name as she liked it too.

There are thousands of boys names. She honestly couldn’t pick anything except this emotive name???? The saying ‘with friends like that who needs enemies’ springs to mind. All this ‘tribute’ stuff is nonsense too given that she told you her chosen girls name and didn’t say anything about the boys. I would ditch the friendship. I would consider it an appalling thing to do to someone you love.

Separate but similar my Aunt lost a baby stillborn called him a popular name - top 10. My other aunt - her sister in law had a baby two years later and called him that same name. She had to listen to her calling the name at family get togethers. My aunt has never been the same since and it’s wildly acknowledged in our extended family that aunt who picked the same name is an awful person. Jesus there are so so so many names there’s no need for this nonsense.

givemesteel · 10/06/2019 02:19

You definitely have reason to feel aggrieved and unfortunately I think your friendship will struggle to bounce back from it.

If she had asked you whilst pregnant if she could use the name, would you have agreed to it? I think it would be useful from your own perspective to understand whether you feel more hurt that she didn't ask you first or more hurt by the use of the name itself.

Is there anything she can do now to change the way you feel, eg if she sincerely apologised? If not then I think I would just send a congratulations card that doesn't have to say a lot, then just leave it sg that. She'll know why.

Daffodildainty · 10/06/2019 12:37

My DF died when I was a child. The next baby boy born in the family ( 1 month later) was named as a tribute to him. It was universally considered as a positive thing ( it’s not a mega popular name). It helps keep my DF’s memory alive. OP so sorry for your loss but I think YABU - and that as time slowly heals your hurt will lesson. 💕

RaffertyFair · 10/06/2019 13:48

Daffodildainty can you honestly not see that your story is completely different to the OP's situation?

The hurt stems from the lack of sensitivity and consideration from someone the OP believed knew her well and cared for her. The friend is not a family member and is not "honouring" the OP's DH Confused

OP hasn't even saying she thinks her friend shouldn't have used the name - she's devastated that it came out of the blue, with no discussion before hand and no explanation after the announcement on FB.

Boopeedoop · 10/06/2019 14:14

I think I'd have asked her if she was in love with my husband. Why else would she name her son after him?

TitianaTitsling · 10/06/2019 16:24

boopee that 'helpful' suggestion has already been made.

Patreon · 10/06/2019 16:41

What a selfish, insensitive bitch. I can’t believe so many are excusing this shitty person’s behaviour.

I would pull back from her OP. Sorry for your loss Flowers

KinderSurpriseBump · 11/06/2019 17:19

OP did you get any answers from your friend yet?

Original poster
Ifonly86 · 11/06/2019 19:16

Hi thanks for the replies, I took a couple of days to get my head around things then reached out to her because I felt the not knowing was worse than the situation itself and my family thought it would give me closure. It’s been confirmed she chose the name because she likes it and had to talk her husband into also liking it, she didn’t consider my husband or my feelings at all. Her exact words when I explained how I felt were ‘it’s just a name... we liked it so we picked it, it’s up to us and none of your business’. She’s never spoken to me like this during our friendship. I’m obviously hurt by her wording and still in shock, I don’t feel our friendship can continue now that’s in the open. I couldn’t ever treat someone the way she has treated me this morning and regardless of freedom to pick any name you like, the fact she doesn’t care about the sentimental value of the name for me speaks volumes so I think it’s for the best we go our separate ways. Thank you all for your support and kind words I appreciate it all.

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 11/06/2019 19:19

How hurtful. I’m so sorry OP, not much of a friend really.

IamHyouweegobshite · 11/06/2019 19:19

Oh that is awful. I'm so sorry this has happened. I think you're right, the friendship is over now. Flowers

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 11/06/2019 19:19

I'm sorry it turned out like this. She has behaved abysmally and she knows it, hence the attitude. I agree that you are best going separate ways - you deserve nicer friends Flowers

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 11/06/2019 19:20

She has spelled out she gives zero fucks for you. Do not excuse her via the 'her hormones' route. She is a bitch. End of.
Walk away op.

S1naidSucks · 11/06/2019 19:20

Oh Ifonly86, I’m so dreadfully sorry. She’s an absolute bastard.

One of my clients lost her husband at the weekend and when she arrived today and started talking about her lose, the pain in her eyes was indescribable. How that fucker can treat you like that is beyond comprehension.

ems137 · 11/06/2019 19:22

What a heartless nasty bitch!

MrsMiggins37 · 11/06/2019 19:23

What an absolute heartless bitch of a woman.

I’m so sorry OP. You deserved so much better from your so called “friend”.

KinderSurpriseBump · 11/06/2019 19:25

Wow. How insensitive Angry. You're right not wanting to see her again.
All the best OP Flowers

Chartreuse45 · 11/06/2019 19:31

I am so sorry that this was her thinking! Every line in your last post was insult heaped on insult. A disgusting woman. To be honest as soon as you wrote she had shared the name for a girl there was only a slim chance that it wasn't a selfish decision unfortunately. Hope you feel better soon (but in your own time!)

PoorAnnie · 11/06/2019 19:32

I'm so sorry OP, what a cruel thing to say. I'm also very sorry for your loss.