Friend used my husband’s name for her baby

[Ifonly86]

Name change to post this as it could be outing.
My husband and I were ttc before he sadly passed away from an undetected heart problem 18 months ago.
I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally. We have one child a girl aged 3. We planned to call our first son after him if we ever had a boy. Of course this never happened.
My best friend of 15 years has just given birth to her son this morning and announced his name as being my husbands name.
I’m finding this so difficult all I have done today is cry, even in front of customers at work so I had to be sent home. It feels very insensitive of her as she knows how special the name is to me and I don’t know how I can move on from this. It wasn’t brought up during her pregnancy, she told me the name she’d picked for a girl but said she didn’t have one for a boy, I now assume she just hid the truth.
I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject. I don’t think I have the strength to see her and meet her son or watch him grow up.
Just to clarify she did know my husband during the 8 years we had been together and was my maid of honour at our wedding, she knew we were ttc and planned to use his name if we had a son, the name is also in the top 20 so I understand I will come across it often.
Aibu to end this friendship? Am I being too sensitive?

WhyTF do people keep suggesting it was probably to honour him?! Can someone who has suggested this please tell me, if that was the case, then why didn't she discuss it with OP before announcing on Facebook? And why has she continued to ignore OP's question about why she chose it?

Bollocks is it to honour him!! God knows why she actually chose it but it's quite clear OPs thoughts and feelings were irrelevant to her supposed best friend of 15 years.

for you OP.

It's not on for her to be ignoring you when you asked her why. I think you need to be honest with her about how much this has hurt you. But I really would try and speak with her before just ending the friendship.

'Jealousy and envy are rife, especially amongst 'best friends'.

Really? My idea of friends must be different I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

This person is not much of a friend though if she's given no support after the OP's dh passed away.

I don't think this was done with spite, the OP would have had other examples of poor behaviour if it was. Thoughtlessness is much more likely, for her friend 18 months is likely a good time to grieve, especially if she gives the impression she is coping. I don't think too much should be read into how she acted after the OP queried it with her, she may have been surprised she wasn't happy. Despite this, I think she should have let the OP know beforehand.

Quite honestly i think you're being ridiculous.
Some people just have 1 specific name they have always loved, sometimes even from childhood, and haven't/wouldn't even consider anything else.
Naming a child is bloody hard, it's their identity, and as well as hoping they like it, you want to love it yourself if you're going to be calling them that for potentially 60+ years. Not to mention BOTH parents have to equally like the name, "choosing something else" isn't an easy/always viable option.
For myself, even though i can't have children, there would be only one name i would ever give a son if i could have had one. There is no situation/scenario i would ever call him anything else.

Regardless of why your friend chose this name, its HER right to name her child what her/her and her partner, choose. She doesn't have to explain herself to anyone as why she chose it, nor is she obliged to not use it becasue of tragic circumstances of someone she knew with the same name.

You definitely aren’t being ridiculous. I think your feelings are very valid and I feel awful on your behalf.
Look after yourself OP.

Regardless of why your friend chose this name, its HER right to name her child what her/her and her partner, choose. She doesn't have to explain herself to anyone as why she chose it, nor is she obliged to not use it becasue of tragic circumstances of someone she knew with the same name.

I find this very odd. The friend can do what she wants but shouldn’t she be considerate of OP’s feelings?

Quite honestly i think you're being ridiculous

And quite honestly I think you’re utterly heartless and lacking in basic decency. Much like the OP’s so called “friend”.

It certainly is normal to have consideration for your friend's feelings otherwise you're not much of a friend.

I think the problem here is that the OP's friend hasn't been supportive anyway and now using her dh's name added insult to injury.

AlmostaJillSandwich
Quite honestly i think you're being ridiculous.

Wow, you are quite staggeringly lacking in empathy. This is a woman blindsided by grief. It's not about who has the 'right' to use a name, it's about showing some sensitivity and understanding to your best friend who has lost her husband, and has lost the possibility of ever having a son with him.

@AlmostAJillSandwich don't be so ridiculous yourself!!

Well put @2stepsonthewater

Of all the names to chose from, she had to pick this one?!
She sounds like an insensitive bitch.
I can’t believe some posters on here are making excuses for her, or even blaming you for overreacting!

Jesus wept, what a nasty cow.

I’m so sorry for your loss op. This person is no “friend”. 💐

*choose.

Quite honestly i think you're being ridiculous.

Quite honestly, I think you’re being a dick.

For myself, even though i can't have children, there would be only one name i would ever give a son if i could have had one. There is no situation/scenario i would ever call him anything else

I am sure there must be some scenarios where you would choose a different name. For example if you had a really bad personal experience with a person of that name. However that aside if you really couldn't just avoid the name for your friend in this circumstance surely you would speak to the friend during your pregnancy and tell her about the name choice out of empathy?

For myself, even though i can't have children, there would be only one name i would ever give a son if i could have had one. There is no situation/scenario i would ever call him anything else.

And that’s what happened with my DH’s best friend. His wife had always wanted to call a daughter after her grandmother, and the name happened to be the same as DH’s first wife.

So what they did was showed a bit of kindness and compassion and gave DH a heads up privately before announcing it to the world.

Not in a “please can we use this” but just in an acknowledgement that the name also meant something to him and they had the respect to give him a bit of notice to get used to it (and to let DS1 know).

You can show compassion and respect whilst still having your choice.

Hmm I’ve been thinking about whether to post this.

I have a dear Greek friend whose baby (let’s call him) Stefan died at around 6 months old.

As I said Greeks name for grandparents unless they have a deceased sibling. It’s a huge huge respect thing.

So my friends dad (also a Stefan) was named for his grandfather & he also had cousins called Stefan. Their children started have dcs & there were a fair few Stefans among them even though their second cousins baby had died. Now they saw their second cousin (my friend) regularly. At no point did anyone say to her or approach her & say we are calling our child Stefan. It wouldn’t have occurred to them or her to do so.

My friends sister would also have called any boys Stefan but she had girls so it didn’t arise.

Is it anything like that? A family name. From what I’ve read I don’t think so but I may have missed it, apologies if I have.

Disgusting behaviour from your so called friend. She obviously realised and was a bit vague about it all because she knew it would upset you. I couldn’t hang out with her after that.

I'm really hoping this has been misunderstood and it's a respect thing. But I guess that she would've said that.

I'm sooty OP.

I find it a bit disrespectful. If she was naming the name after a dear relative of hers, she could at least explain to you OP.
I work with a lady whose grandson passed away as a toddler and with another girl whose niece was a stillbirth. The children had beautiful popular names but I would never use any of those names for my baby due to respect. Even that they are only co-workers not close friends.

I’ve been thinking about this, and it reminded me of how people around me behaved after my personal loss. 18months down the line I was very much still in the grasps of grief, having regular headaches, trouble breathing, and GP had just prescribed me anti-depressants.
But to my friends, the death happened ages ago, I felt like they had forgotten about me, they had all moved on and I was silently struggling.

Could that have happened here? Your friend will obviously know it was your husbands name, but to her, the passing of your DH was a long time ago. So she just assumes it would be ok? I think she has been really insensitive in refusing to talk to you about it, but I don’t think it’s malicious. I genuinely don’t think people understand the pain unless they have experienced something similar. Grief is often irrational and 18mnths in its still very early days.
All the best OP

OP, I think you are experiensing the 'anger' part of the grieving process, and this is why you are seeing this as something negative, or even spitefull.
It really is not.

I'm with those who say YANBU

If she really had both a good reason and knew you would have no issue she would have spoken to you.

It's not the use of the name. It's the lack of courtesy, respect and compassion that's the issue. If she's spoken to you first i don't think you'd feel the same. The sadness would still be there but it'd have a happy tinge that your friend was there for you and appreciated that using the name would have extra depth for you.

She's been inconsiderate in how she has treated you and I can only imagine how deeply it hurts in your circumstances.

How are you OP?