Friend used my husband’s name for her baby

[Ifonly86]

Name change to post this as it could be outing.
My husband and I were ttc before he sadly passed away from an undetected heart problem 18 months ago.
I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally. We have one child a girl aged 3. We planned to call our first son after him if we ever had a boy. Of course this never happened.
My best friend of 15 years has just given birth to her son this morning and announced his name as being my husbands name.
I’m finding this so difficult all I have done today is cry, even in front of customers at work so I had to be sent home. It feels very insensitive of her as she knows how special the name is to me and I don’t know how I can move on from this. It wasn’t brought up during her pregnancy, she told me the name she’d picked for a girl but said she didn’t have one for a boy, I now assume she just hid the truth.
I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject. I don’t think I have the strength to see her and meet her son or watch him grow up.
Just to clarify she did know my husband during the 8 years we had been together and was my maid of honour at our wedding, she knew we were ttc and planned to use his name if we had a son, the name is also in the top 20 so I understand I will come across it often.
Aibu to end this friendship? Am I being too sensitive?

This is a very insensitive thing for your friend to have done. Of course she knew, if your best friend's husband "Oliver" died suddenly only 18 months ago, of course he will be one of the first things you think of when you hear the name, no matter how common it is.

She has so much that you have lost, and I'm sure you don't begrudge her her happiness, but she should be more sensitive.

If OP's husband were still alive, their circle would now have Oliver Smith and Oliver Jones, for example. Now they will just have Oliver, and it'll be the OP's late husband who gets the qualifier. It was downright mean of her.

My best friend, let's say Clare, died ten years ago. Last year one of my husband's friends (who wouldn't know my Clare existed, never mind know or remember her name) used Clare for their DD. It was a bit of a gut punch, especially being an uncommon baby name, and it still feels weird to say Clare and not mean my much loved and much missed friend.

Not true @Whoops75. Did you not see that was her father's name who died during her pregnancy??? Totally different situation.

As I said, grief is not a competition and in this case that poster di not need permission to name her baby after her dear dad.

Oh OP, I can completely understand why you are upset.
Something vaguely similar happened to me and it knocked me sideways. It’s very hard to articulate why, as of course you don’t own the name, but when you are dealing with the loss of such a close loved one, I think it’s incredibly cruel to do this.

I can tell you from experience, the pain does ease but it took me a couple of years. I felt so hurt by the actions of this person. I felt angry on behalf of myself, but also for mom and brother.

I truly believe unless you have experienced a deep loss, you just do not understand the pain this causes. I realised the person didn’t do it out of malice, and to them it was a kind way of honouring my father, but it wasn’t for them to do that...

I can see why you might be upset but I don’t think your friend should not have used the name. I think she is entitled to use it, particularly if it is a fairly common name and not unique to the point where your husband is the only person you’ve ever heard of with the same name.

I don’t think she’s down anything wrong

I think she is entitled to use it,

Urgh.

Entitlement of course trumps common decency and respect

Is it James and your husband was Jimmy? Or Thomas and your husband Tom?

She might not have made the link. Or she might have thought you'd appreciate the nod to your husband.

Or she might have thought you'd appreciate the nod to your husband.

What, on a surprise mass Facebook announcement !?? What a great nod. I'm sure the op appreciated that wonderful thoughtful courtesy

Ifonly86 YANBU. Unless your late husband's name was the most fantastic name they'd ever heard of surely they'd have ruled it out from the start? That they didn't is selfish.

Having decided to use it then any normal, kind, sensitive person would have had the courtesy to speak to you about it. Of course, you would have said it was ok (even if you felt otherwise) but at least you wouldn't have had the shock of finding out after the event.

@Jodie571 you don't think she should at least have mentioned it to the OP?

@Callmerachael - if the name in question is John she is entitled to use it yes.

If the name in question is something a little more unique like Carter for example or Jaxon (random examples but the only names that came to mind that we perhaps don’t hear everyday), then I’d find it strange. There are millions of Johns all across the world, so no I don’t think that would be unreasonable for her to use the same name.

@Ginger1982 yes perhaps a discussion or acknowledgement of what she was doing wouldn’t have gone a miss.

I think your friend should have spoken to you about the name and how you would feel. I am currently pregnant, i had the perfect girls name picked out but i am having a boy. One of my oldest friends lost her teenaged son to suicide late last year, as a nod to her and him i have considered using his name possibly, as a middle name. The first chance i had to pull her aside I asked her if she would be alright with me doing this. She cried and told me that yes she would feel honoured if we were to include him name in our babies name. Its not set in stone yet but just the idea was run by her. She is taking his death hard (of course!) and i would never even consider it if she wasnt 100% on board with me using it.
I feel that until you can speak to your friend and try to see her reasoning behind it you cant really gauge how you "should" be feeling. Although i do also feel that it was a conversation she should have had with you beforehand even if only to give you some kind of warning that was her intention so that you wouldnt be blindsided and possibly prevent you from feeling the way that you do now.

@knockedupmama I think now you've had her in tears and she's told you how honoured she'd be then you need to "set it in stone". But that would be another aibu altogether

@CallMeRachel I didn't say it was a good idea, I said she might've thought that. I question a lot of what people choose to put on Facebook, particularly "announcements".

But this is one of the OPs oldest friends and people are encouraging her to "end this friendship" .

As the best friend of someone who lost her husband in his 30s it is soooo hard to know how to be around a young widow and how to support them. Sometimes it feels like everything you do is wrong (and that's nobody's fault). It feels like absolutely everything has to turn into a long and hard conversation and cry about what happened. You find yourself trying to keep things light at times because it is difficult and so gut wrenchingly sad.

OP maybe ask her why she chose the name again and find out. If she's dismissive like it doesn't matter then yes, that's upsetting. But you might find she thought you'd love it. She might change it to a middle name if you tell her how you feel. This will get easier though, it all sounds very raw and recent. My friend had a 3 year old like you. It was devastating. It still is but each year it has got a little bit easier. Hope you have support, and Winston's Wish were fantastic for her child.

I think that you cannot help your feelings but why would you end a friendship over this? I'm sure she couldn't have used the name to spite you, surely? She must have just always liked it.

I'm sorry for your loss

I think I'd be more upset that she hadn't mentioned it before hand

OP, if she's been an otherwise good friend and you want to move past this, consider whether you could use a shortened version of the name. So if he's Oliver and so was your husband, maybe you could call the baby Ollie. Up to you whether or not you tell your friend that's what you're doing, or whether you just make it seem like a natural thing.

Is there a chance she thought you would see this as a tribute to him?

She would probably have spoken to OP and asked if she were ok with that if this was the case.

Thank you all for your replies. I woke up still feeling crap about the whole situation, but the possibility of it not being done spitefully is the hope I’m hanging out for or that she may have reconsidered the name. My family are livid with her but are being very supportive to me as much as they can being 100 miles away.

She text me and has asked me to meet the baby when she is home from hospital today or tomorrow. I can’t find it in me and I know it won’t go well if I do so I’m not sure what to reply. As much as she’s hurt me I don’t want her early days with her baby ruined by the memory of us potentially arguing.
For those asking, the baby’s name is the exact name of my husband not a shortened or longer version.
Despite being a popular name my husband was the only person I have met personally with the name (which she also knew when we were ttc) which makes it all the more sentimental to me.
I truly appreciate each and every comment.

I’m so, so sorry.

Of course no one owns a name, but it’s hard to imagine she really couldn’t have just picked something else in the circumstances x

As much as she’s hurt me I don’t want her early days with her baby ruined by the memory of us potentially arguing.

That is really sensitive Ifonly86. I think I would perhaps invent a cold or dd possibly having a bug to prevent you having to go in the next few days. It gives you time.

I also think I'd probably text and explain my hurt before seeing her so you can judge her response and not find yourself in a horrible face to face situatuon. I dont mean immediately, but once she settled at home in a few days perhaps.

Don’t go and see the baby tomorrow. From what you’ve posted it all just seems too raw.

Well.
It’s definitely not anything I would of done to a friend.
I think it will put a strain on your friendship

What a fucking horrible "friend" she is.

So sorry for you OP

Depends on the name: a common name is not so bad, or if she chose a different form of the same name. She might have felt strongly about a certain name and a child should not be blocked from a name by connection with your dh.

I named both my dc the name that spoke most strongly to me when they were born. I clean forgot to associate the long form of name chosen with the short form which is the name of my dhs best friend, my BIL and boss.

So if its Benjamin, Samuel, Thomas, Alexander, James, Peter, so many 'standard' names etc etc its conceivable she didnt see it as a sensitive choice.