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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend used my husband’s name for her baby

359 replies

Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 18:26

Name change to post this as it could be outing.
My husband and I were ttc before he sadly passed away from an undetected heart problem 18 months ago.
I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally. We have one child a girl aged 3. We planned to call our first son after him if we ever had a boy. Of course this never happened.
My best friend of 15 years has just given birth to her son this morning and announced his name as being my husbands name.
I’m finding this so difficult all I have done today is cry, even in front of customers at work so I had to be sent home. It feels very insensitive of her as she knows how special the name is to me and I don’t know how I can move on from this. It wasn’t brought up during her pregnancy, she told me the name she’d picked for a girl but said she didn’t have one for a boy, I now assume she just hid the truth.
I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject. I don’t think I have the strength to see her and meet her son or watch him grow up.
Just to clarify she did know my husband during the 8 years we had been together and was my maid of honour at our wedding, she knew we were ttc and planned to use his name if we had a son, the name is also in the top 20 so I understand I will come across it often.
Aibu to end this friendship? Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
BarryBarryTaylor · 08/06/2019 16:22

OP despite what you are going through you are being so kind to your friend...
I would suggest saying you have a sore throat or something and leave it a week before you meet baby.
Some people have their hearts in the right places, but simply don’t understand.
Take care, sending lots of best wishes for you and your Dd xx

FanjoFizz · 08/06/2019 16:26

Are you sure it’s not because they also have a relatively with the same name? Like a grandpa / great uncle George or something?
I’m sorry you’re hurting but I think it’s unlikely she’s done it to make you upset, I mean why would she? Maybe when you see her she’ll say she loved the name because she loved your husband (platonically, not like PP suggested Hmm) and it’s nice?

All I know is when I was naming my DCs we ruled out so many names because we didn’t like someone we knew who had that name. The fact your friend and her DH picked that name is a testament to your lovely husband.

You’re grieving for a future you now won’t get to have, that must be so hard Flowers

RainbowPanda · 08/06/2019 16:27

I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject

Is she still ignoring it too?
Nothing mentioned about the name when she's contacted you to go visit?
I find her lack of acknowledgement really bizarre. Even if she wants to explain in person she hasn't even said that?

TheHammock · 08/06/2019 16:35

Who on earth names their precious baby out of SPITE!?

You have to step out of yourself and your grief for a moment, as hard as that is, and think about it. It's a common name you said. It's hard to find a name that you both like, that works with sur name... that no children in the circle(s) is already used amongst the children. Just step out of yourself for a minute. If she felt sad that you were making her baby's birth all about you, your husband, your grief, and giving something simple and innocent the most negative interpretation possible rather than a positive interpretation - would you feel better?
AFter all how would it help to think that she had done this out of 'spite'?!!?

if she's been a good friend so far, then don't lose the friendship.

jollyohh · 08/06/2019 16:37

So sorry for your loss. I would feel exactly the same and whether that's rational or not I'd find it hard to be around hearing his name all the time.

18 months is no time at all. Be kind to yourself Thanks

louisvootin · 08/06/2019 16:42

what is the name op?

ElspethFlashman · 08/06/2019 16:50

Definitely definitely make up the excuse of having a filthy cold. It's an easy excuse which can't be disproved even if someone sees you out and about.

And make it a cold that LINGERS.

Myotherusernameisshy · 08/06/2019 17:07

You sound such a lovely sensitive person. You are still putting her feelings first despite your own hurt. Please don’t make yourself visit if you don’t feel up to it. A cold sounds like a great excuse.
I don’t think she should have used the name unless it’s a very close family name for her too. But presumably if it was a family name for her you would already know?
She already has so much, leaving you the name you love shouldn’t be too much to ask of a best friend.

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 08/06/2019 17:18

The vast majority of people don't choose their baby's name to spite someone else however I once knew a woman who chose a name that she knew the baby's father detested (it was a nice name in my opinion) but she only chose it because she knew how much he hated it.

OP I don't know whether the name was chosen out of spite. I do know that there is no way the name was chosen in ignorance. I therefore think that this woman liked the name and chose it despite knowing how you would feel about it. She is at the very least guilty of being very selfish.

She is your best friend of 15 years (aparently). She knew you wanted to use it if you had a boy. She knew you are still in the fog of grief. The Facebook announcement was to maximise the number of people who knew the baby's name so that you could put less pressure on her to change it.

If she doesn't volunteer changing the name when she hears how it makes you feel, then please consider stepping away from that friendship as I suspect that there is something toxic there that you perhaps havent been aware of. Your posts show you have a good heart and try and see the best in people. You deserve better.

As previous posters have suggested invent a cold or something that keeps you away for a few days whilst you collect your thoughts and decide how you want to handle this situation.

AnotherEmma · 08/06/2019 17:24

Each to their own but I wouldn't lie.
I would say that her choice of name has stirred up feelings of grief and I don't feel ready to see them yet.
Say that you wish her well and don't want to make it about you but you need some space atm.

AliceRR · 08/06/2019 17:24

Just step out of yourself for a minute.

But what about OP’s friend? The point is she didn’t “step outside of herself for a minute” and OP is now upset.

OP tried to speak to her friend and she wouldn’t discuss it

AnotherEmma · 08/06/2019 17:25

The other option is to just ignore the message; rude but she ignored your message asking about the name choice.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 08/06/2019 17:37

Please put your feelings first op. Yanbu to stay away. Leaving her to enjoy the early days without your visiting is totally acceptable. It won't taint them. You need to look after your mh.
Sorry for your loss and your rubbish friend.
Flowers

RaffertyFair · 08/06/2019 17:46

Say that you wish her well and don't want to make it about you but you need some space atm.

The difficulty is that the friend may respond to the text forcing OP to deal with things before she's ready.

PurpleDaisies · 08/06/2019 17:52

The Facebook announcement was to maximise the number of people who knew the baby's name so that you could put less pressure on her to change it.

Or because it’s an entirely normal thing to do when you’ve had a baby? Confused

ElspethFlashman · 08/06/2019 17:52

And it's also the other person's first couple of days after birth. Nobody needs a difficult exchange, verbally or by text, at the moment.

This is something that needs to be swerved right now, as everyone is too vulnerable. The OP by her grief and the friend (whatever her motives) by what may have been a gruelling birth.

AnotherEmma · 08/06/2019 17:57

"The difficulty is that the friend may respond to the text forcing OP to deal with things before she's ready."

The friend can't force the OP to do anything. If she doesn't respect her need for space and sends a message about it, the OP can choose whether or not to reply.

Lifeover · 08/06/2019 18:17

In all honesty if it’s a common name it’s perfectly feasible she’s named it in honour of one of hers and her husbands relatives? Or might have had her heart set on the name since being a little girl. It’s difficult and she should have perhaps handled things better but I wouldn’t have thought it was out of spite

AliceRR · 08/06/2019 18:21

In all honesty if it’s a common name it’s perfectly feasible she’s named it in honour of one of hers and her husbands relatives?

But then why not discuss it with OP, if not before it was announced, then when OP asked about it

PeoniesarePink · 08/06/2019 18:25

I wouldn't see her OP until you've had time to get your head around all of this and decide if your friendship is salvageable. It's going to be really hard hearing that name used until you've got used to it, if ever.

Put yourself first here Flowers

OVienna · 08/06/2019 18:36

I strongly suspect she wants you to come over so she can talk you through her decision. I would also just say you or DD are sick for now and buy sone time. To be honest this will be part of her newborn experience at some point regardless unless you totally pretend it's not a problem.

You need to think about whether there is anything she can say to make you feel okay about the situation. Conversely, you don't want to be pointed at as responsible for her 'having' to change it.

OVienna · 08/06/2019 18:39

Is she- -or her husband - the sort of person who might react like The Hammock? I also wonder btw if her DH talked her into it.

CallMeRachel · 08/06/2019 18:47

I really think people on here are giving this 'friend' far too much credit.

I hate to say it but not everyone has honourable intentions.
Jealousy and envy are rife, especially amongst 'best friends'. The op also said she's had no support from anyone since the death of her dh.

I really don't think the invite to rush round immediately after her being home from hospital matches up with the insensitive mass FB announcement.

Op, I'd take a bit of time out before you respond to her. Be kind to yourself. Put yourself first as clearly no one else will. Thanks

TriciaH87 · 08/06/2019 19:06

I think herding this was to honour him. She most likely thought this would be a sweet gesture. She has 6 weeks to register the birth so I suggest you message her asking if you can chat. Tell her whilst you appreciate the gesture your a bit put out. She probably thought now your unable to use the name it would be a kind thing to do because even if you did meet someone in a few years and have another child the prospective father may not be keane to name said child after a deceased husband. Talk to her it could save the friendship. She may even decide to change the name if your not comfortable. If she uses it knowing how you feel then sure walk away if you have to but until you talk to her I think she was doing it with good intentions. To honour your husband.

Ginger1982 · 08/06/2019 19:13

@TriciaH87 come on! If that was her intention she would have told the OP beforehand.

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