To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

So sad to read all the stories here. There are so many of us thanks OP for starting the thread.
Like others, I find it hard to trust or get close to others and I never ask for help. That's despite therapy.
No encouragement at school was hard - dm never went to a parents evening or took any interest in what I was doing at all. I missed out on uni, there was zero guidance about it at school, and I would've been discouraged from it anyway by dm. Like pp I walked to school from age 5 (in the 70s) and nearly got run over a couple of times.
I'm sad there was no recognition at school, nowhere to turn. I wasn't taken to the shop where you had to get school uniform from, so bought part of it myself from another shop, and was badly told off by a teacher for having the wrong stuff. I was so ashamed and it really felt there was nowhere to turn.
I felt like it was because we were fairly poor, but looking back on it dm was never short of fags and booze.
Like pp have said I probably overcompensate with my own teens, but at least it makes me happy and I have a good relationship with them, they turn to me with problems and when I stop to think about it, I'm proud to give them something I didn't have, as we all should be.

The older I get the more angry I feel.
For years I made excuses , how maybe she had MH issues how maybe I could have been a better daughter, but it's all BS.
She was a textbook narc, my df was abused physically and emotionally and he had nothing left to protect us.
Packed off to various people for weeks or months , sent to boarding school with practically nothing . My uniform was basically lost property or old donated stuff the matron found for me. Boarding was a very happy for me I wasn't singled out or bullied even though I must have stuck out like a sore thumb. I was shocked living in close quarters to other girls though at all the stuff they had , face wash , more than one bra .
To add insult to injury they decided to pull me out again after one term so I went from being a school girl to being unemployed overnight.
I always know my future was dependent on having my own money so I got a job and left home as soon as I could . I lived in some rotten places but I was happy to be free.
My ds had a baby very young and was completely left to struggle on a pittance while they bought a brand new top of the range car outright.
It would never have occurred to them to help her in any way .
This thread has stirred up so much .
I'm in my late forties and I still keep remembering more.

So many sad stories on this thread

As an adult I also find it very difficult to ask for help or support. People would probably describe me as being strong or very independent but it’s definitely a hangover from my childhood. I also absolutely hate talking about myself (I’m a great listener apparently), deep down it’s because I’m afraid that no one is interested.

I feel dismayed reading all these posts. Sending everyone on here love and light x

This is interesting - I'm the same, neglected from 13 onwards (though had a tough childhood to some extent too but was mitigated by being near other loving/caring family members), at 13 we moved hundred of miles away and I was left to my own devices and without basics eg coat etc.
My mum was also born in the early 50s, though I was an young teen in the early 00s.

madcatladyforever 💐

Yes DM was emotionally neglectful from being about 12 more interested her husband and job. I'd cry in my room she would ignore me. Had endless 2-5 year relationships I always took a back seat to, she was great when I was little.

I can relate to this.
My mum had an accident when I was 12, was in hospital for 6 months and disabled for the rest of her life. My dad had no idea what a teenage girl needed so I was left to bring myself up.
I used to make sanpro out of toilet tissue - 7 sheets carefully folded to make a tampon- and had the same set of school uniform from when I joined until I left.
I hated school "Mufti/Own Clothes" days as I didn't have anything to wear let alone money to donate.
Neighbours and friend's mothers were kind, recognised that I was in need, and would sometimes give me cast-off clothes. And things got easier when I had a weekend job but it was still bloody hard.
I earned £3.25 a day and remember being so proud when I saved up £10 and spent it on a pair of jeans and plastic trainers from Woolworths. (Just made me realise that clothes were relatively far more expensive back in the late 70s.)
It's difficult not to resent being neglected but I don't think my parents had any idea that I needed the basics - deodorant, a haircut, new underwear etc. My dad was "careful" with his money (probably would be called financially abusive now) and mum spent all her disability pension on herself, so I just couldn't ask.
Looking back I realise that I was probably regarded as the scruffy, smelly kid at school.
I now probably spoil my Dd a bit to make up for it but I would hate her to feel she couldn't come to me for anything.

Henny yes. Same here. No sanitary wear. No new clothes. No shoes that fitted. No pocket money. I worked - hard - from age 12 after school to provide myself with the basics. And to give my brother money so he wouldn't suffer the same social problems I had, never being able to pay my way.
My mum was always crying about being in debt, so I didn't ask because I assumed we were poor. Turns out we weren't. Just my dad hoarded it or spent it on his girlfriends. I can barely stand my parents now. Took me until I was 50 to realise just how mean and dysfunctional and un-nurturing they were. And I only realised because I have DC.

I'm just so shocked that there are SO MANY of us! It's strange isn't it?

My parents dealt with me similarly. But they both left school when they were 14. I was expected to get a Saturday job and use that money to buy clothes.

My mum did buy me sanitary towels but I wanted to wear tampons instead and bought them myself

That's the thing @HennyPennyHorror
I think it happens a lot but we were all to ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it

I think in 20 or 30 years time a lot of our dc will be in therapy with issues of neglext, toxicity, alienation et c all caused by us, who have tried to be better parents. I heard a saying once maybe on here 'a parent 's place is to be in the wrong' and I think that is so true. I skimmed through this thread and I didn't think there was anything terrible; not having a pair of gloves as a teen is not neglect. Our dc will expect to be parented both physically and financially forever more. Generations change as do norms and societal expectations.

I only had one (huge) school uniform brought for me at 11 for senior school. When I went into the 6th form the uniform changed and I brought it myself.

My parents were the same from when I was 15 or so. I got almost no pocket money and found myself a parttime job at the local supermarket.

For my parents that was the sign to stop providing for clothes, cosmetics etc for me.
After I went to university they did pay my college tuition and books but demanded that I handed them the governemental financial compensation (about 50 pounds per month as far as I remember) in exchange for that even though they had plenty of money.

My siblings never had to pay for anything themselves and even now that they are in their 20s my parents pay their rent.

@Freudianslip1 if you think this thread is about not having a pair of gloves then you really need to read it 🙄

One thing I have noticed is that the parents
I know now who are very proud of the fact that their children are given a lot of independence seem to always be the ones who say they had lovely safe, caring childhoods. Whereas my siblings and I were put in thoughtlessly risky situations very often. I think one legacy of that is that I am either excellent at risk assessment OR needlessly paranoid and too aware of all the dangers..I know a very middle class wealthy woman who will brag that her tiny 10 yr old daughter walks the 25 mins home from school alone, when I'm thinking "by the woods? At the same time every day?!" and freaking out. I don't know what's right sometimes.

Rainbowkickers same here. I remember coming back from a very rough bikers' all night party, having walked miles to get home, and actually hoping I'd get into trouble because that would show they;d noticed I'd gone and they cared. But my mum just looked up and said, 'Hi.' Zero interest in my welfare. till the same. They phone up and talk at me about their activities then ring off. Never ask how I am or the DC are.I know people think there are too many armchair psychs diagnosing narcissism on MN but I think a lot of us slink here because it's a safe space to try and work out what went wrong, and how to parent our own children better.

HepzibahGreen totally agree re parents not knowing house prices would rise, how could they have done? Also as you say attitudes to buying were different so that's worth bearing in mind.

I'm not heavily blaming my dad for not telling me about money, buying, pensions - but I do feel resentful and frustrated that he was so hands off throughout my whole life and I'm envious of friends whose parents passed on that advice and as a result were (and still are) much more sorted financially.

I'm a natural planner and very good with managing my money, I just had literally no idea about savings / house buying / pensions until I was mid to late 30s and already had DCs. Nobody ever mentioned those things! I'm now 47 and still have no pension because I've come late to house buying so mortgage is where all my money goes.

I've now discovered that a lot of my peers and colleagues seemed to grow up with some kind of knowledge of this stuff that they carried with them, whether they ignored it or acted on it. I'm so curious - HOW did they know this? Was it parenting? Was it something else? Were there some signs on the tube that I missed?! Seriously would love to know.

You say yourself that in your 20s you thought of buying as something you'd do when you were married and settled - HOW did you know to do this? WHERE did this knowledge come from?

Hepzibah I'm with you. One of my pet hates is mothers who are proud of neglecting their children. I know very posh middle class mothers whose children run barefoot in the park, chewing on cigarette filters they've picked up from the grass, with snot encrusted on their faces. It makes me fizz with anger. I was that child. My parents were those self absorbed hippy shits.And I hated it. I have no shame. I wipe their noses and tell the parents they are eating dog ends. Don't care how prissy and judgemental I sound.

HennyPenny I have a theory. There's so many people who claim to have narcissistic parents on here, or autistic children. Some people think it's neurotic self diagnosis. But I think that's because a place like MN attracts people who don't fit the norm. We don't quite fit socially. Or our children don't. And we want to socialise, ideally with sympathetic like-minded souls. But there are none locally, so we come online.

I’m another one who can relate to this, I’m amazed there’s so many of us, I thought it was just me! My mother went from being very overprotective and quite controlling when I was younger, to completely leaving me to do whatever I wanted by the time I was 13. As you can imagine it didn’t go too well, I spent my teenage years clubbing, taking large amounts of recreational drugs and being abused by various men. At no point did anyone ask me what I’d been doing when I came home at any time of the day or night. Like many others here I’m a lot younger than my siblings, I always felt as though my parents couldn’t be bothered to do any parenting anymore by the time they got to me. Even when I was small we never went on holiday, I could never go to clubs or activities (I was desperate to do gymnastics) because no one could be bothered to arrange it or take me, also my birthday was never really celebrated-I never had a birthday cake, my worst birthday was my 14th my mum gave me a bra and pants set from Tesco when I got up in the morning, said ‘I didn’t have any money’, and that was the only mention of it being my birthday. The truth was that her and my dad had been arguing in the days leading up to my birthday and neither of them had bothered to think about my birthday. It has definitely affected how I parent- I make a big fuss at birthday time (you can see the birthday thing was a big problem for me!) and I have absolutely allowed my child to grow up at his own pace, he has lots of freedom but only when he wants it, I spent my whole life being told I should be behaving ‘older’.

I definitely think emotionally, there wasn’t the support I hope to give to my girl (well not hope, I will!)
My Mum always says she didn’t want to interfere and if I needed anything, she thought I’d come to her..I think more interfering was needed!

So many sad stories on this thread.

Hugs to all of you who were neglected.

I haven't read every single post. Were any of you envious of other children / other families? I always had that sense of having my face pressed up against the toy shop window - looking longingly at other families and wishing I had what they had (or seemed to).

I often seemed to be 'adopted' by other families, having lots of sleepovers at their houses, or ending up there for meals, at the time I just thought I was being fun and sociable but looking back I can see that other families were giving me what I missed and craved with my own.

I feel so lucky to have created the family that I missed out on. I'm not a perfect parent by any stretch, but my kids have so much support, nice family meals, family activities, we're involved in their education. But who knows, maybe they'll lack the independence and resilience I had and then blame me for cosseting them!