To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

I skimmed through this thread and I didn't think there was anything terrible
freudian maybe read the thread then?
Lots of people are sharing difficult experiences. Things they as parents can see now were very difficult to endure. It's a cop out to say 'all parents are bad' 'all kids will need therapy' Those that know what it's like to be neglected, but are not neglecting their kids, will know the difference clear as day. Being shown love and care for example.

Woodcut I never thought of that....but there are a lot here who happen by whilst searching for info as first time parents...and parenting is isolating so that's already something most have in common weirdos aside. As a weirdo myself, I can say that.

Gosh, I’m actually a bit teary reading this thread.

My parents divorced when I was 13, I lived w my dad and while he had quite a lot of money, I was completely neglected.

It was very embarrassing because I lived in an upper middle class suburb and all of my friends parents were uber involved and puzzled at my situation.

My mother was just a mess and not available.

I craved guidance, the whole hot chocolate motherly comfort setup, someone telling me what to do... so sad.

I’m so on top of everything in my kids lives. PTA, their friends, exam schedules, dinner always ready at 5, and so on. They grumble about me but I know they mostly appreciate it.

for all

My parents (particularly my mother, because my father regarded bringing up children to be her job) were a strange mix of controlling and over-protective and neglectful.

I feel in retrospect as if they had a vision of how they expected their child to be, so enforced many rules and restrictions from which I did not deviate. But, on the other hand, they failed to see me as an actual person with feelings and opinions that might differ from their own.

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment when I had my own children and my mother told me to enjoy them while they were young because "they are not so much fun when they get to about 10 and start developing their own opinions" .... and I realised that that was the age where my mother had pretty much given up trying to relate to me as a person. Perhaps unsurprisingly, having been desparate to spend as much time as possible with my DC when they were little, she is now not remotely interested in them while they are teenagers - very much history repeating itself.

The san pro thing is also relevant here. When I started my periods my mother said that I would need 7 super tampax for a period. Unfortunately I turned out to have heavy periods and 7 would hardly get me through the first day. My mother refused to believe that this was so, so I spent my whole teenage years keeping the tampons for nights and when I had swimming and using toilet paper the rest of the time. Whereas my own daughter had to recently tell me to stop buying sanitary towels as she already had a full drawer full - I just never want her to run out.

I do worry a lot now about relating to my own teens as my parents never bothered. I find it very hard to know when to leave them alone and when to push. My biggest fear is that my DC will feel I was equally distant.

Freudian yeah aIot of posters claiming neglect when their parents just seemed not to have a lot of money and they didn't have a middle class lifestyle. Just because you weren't materially spoilt doesn't mean you were neglected ffs. Feel sorry for some of these parents they did their best. My DM had a shitty mother herself who killed herself when mum was a teen, though she sucked in ways in my teens she did her best and it can't have been easy for her. And she's an amazing nana now.

Please don't come on this thread and be dismissive and minimizing.

There's always one ignorant idiot

Being bought sanpro or taken to the dentist or doctor isn't being materially spoilt needless goadyfuckery

@2eternities I doubt your mother was that amazing to have brought up such a goady, Rude, arrogant idiot

This resonated with me so much. No clothes, shoes etc. My friends mum bought me sanitary wear and used to give me shoes/clothes and tell my mum they were too small for my friend.

My mum never acknowledges it either. From 11 I used to walk home from school but I lost my key and she wouldn’t pay the £2 to replace it so had to sit on the doorstep until she got home at 6. No matter what the weather.

I definitely over compensate with my kids.

"having a middle class lifestyle" does not equal having more food than the bare minimum to ward off starvation, more than a few clothes that may or may not fit, and a roof over your head.
Most of the posters on this thread are saying that their parents could afford more, but choose not too. Or actually didn't think about their child's needs at all.

I remember now also being forced as a 12 year old to swap bedrooms with my sister.
The reason? I was only allowed to take a shower in the evening but from that age started to sweat a little bit more (hormones and such) but my parents did not allow me to also take a short shower in the morning. I tried to solve that by doing a strip wash by the sink in my bedroom every morning but my mum caught me doing that once and decided that I would swap rooms with my sister (who had no sink in her room) so it would be avoided that I did this again.

I was also growing up very quickly at that age but my mum did not seem to notice/ ignored the fact that I needed new trousers and other kids made fun of me for that.

I was suffering a lot from acne but instead of taking me to the GP to find a solution, the only thing they did when I was 12 was to buy me some cheap anti acne facewash and when it didnt work just told me to ‘suck it up’ because ‘acne is part of puberty’.

Even now at 33, I can still recall the uncomfortable feelings I had at that time and I still have a big fear that people might see me as unkempt. I have been wearing lots of make up for years even though I don’t like it so much to deal with this fear. Only recently I dared to go out with just concealer, mascara and eyebrow pencil.

No sanpro, no clothing, no food and nothing to help you attend to your basic hygiene is materially spoilt?

Jog on.

Another memory ... I developed quite early and already had large boobs by age about 11.5. My mother insisted I was too young for a bra and wouldn't buy me one until I was 13. As well as it being uncomfortable, I was horribly bullied at school.

I have read the thread from beginning to end and I wanted to say what a comfort it is to know I am not alone. Am grateful to everyone for their thoughts.
It is only recently that I have been able to understand why I am not a better daughter. I am dutiful/ give mum a monthly allowance, take her to hospital appointments etc but I do not love her. She is very demanding and sentimental now but with flashes of malevolence . I have brought up my own 2 boys in a very different way to my own upbringing which I can now acknowledge was neglectful

I can do a list if you like of awfulness I didn’t realise it was a competition
I hadn’t actually listed the worst parts of my childhood as this was about something else

I was abused as a child sexually emotionally and physically, my DF was financially abusive to my mother. I had no clothes except my uniform or things my mum got from a jumble sale but my dad had one of those marantz (not sure or spelling) stacking HiFi systems. He also drank every single night and had special food (like crisps and treats) that the children were not allowed to eat. When I was little he would play War of the Worlds to me very loudly and say it was real - I was scared and traumatised by this and still can’t listen today. Then when I was older he would make me listen to that mike and the mechanics song ‘in the living years’ and tell me I would be sorry if He died
I was raped when I was 15 and he was so angry with me he didn’t speak to me for about 4 months
He would never help us even if we were in danger or stranded somewhere and when I bought my first car with my own money in my own name he refused to let me drive it and kept my keys telling me I wasn’t skilled enough to drive it!
He also tried to strangle me over the kitchen sink once
And all the while my DM would wring her hands but do nothing to help me. Their marriage was horrible and she spent the small amount of money DF gave her on her 20 a day fag habit. I had never even had a takeaway or fast food till I was 16 because we never, ever ever not once ate anything except frozen food like chips or fish fingers.
They did take me to anything free like the dentist but didn’t let me get my wisdom teeth out as a teenager because it was ‘hassle’ for them. I finally got them out as a adult and had facial nerve damage I could have avoided had I had them at 16/17

DF would throw our toys away claiming they were ‘dirty’ if it was anything like paint or play doh but also got my first bike out of a skip. Makes no sense.

Oh and you were only allowed 3 inches of bath water and he would check too
You also could often not use the phone at home he would pull it out of the wall if you were on it more than 2 mins
My mum used to give me her fags to smoke when I was about 13/14. I don’t remember not having san pro but I remember my head of year in year 10 and 11 shouting at my parents in a heated parents meeting and she then let me use her office for all my homework as I wasn’t allowed a key so used to have to wait outside till a parent got home or go home with another child so I never got any homework done

YY to the bathwater and time on phone being restricted. And only 1 bath a week. I was told I should be grateful I got my own bath water and it wasn't shared between everyone in the family! I remember being shocked when I went to university and other students were having showers every day.

My mum threw all my stuff away too. I had some nice vinyl records that I had bought myself and she chucked them and all the other bits I had.

I'd been at a friend's for a while ( not unusual) and she got rid of my things. I asked her why she had done it and she just shrugged and said she'd assumed I wasn't coming back.

I couldn't even have things I bought myself.

Like a previous poster I had a couple of families I stayed with a lot. They were good people and discreetly very kind to me in a way that never humiliated me.

Youngest here too. Nobody could be bothered anymore, once I turned about 10. Washed and ironed my own clothes, prepped and made my own crappy dinners (without actually being taught to cook and having very few ingredients), went to and from school a long distance by bus and was never checked on. Sanitary products, clothes and shoes were never kept on top of and I used to save my lunch money to buy towels. Weirdly, I would have phases of being bought tonnes of expensive clothes and shoes, but I feel it would have been so much better to have kept up with what I needed as and when. Rather than let designer clothes wear out into rags and then doing kids of extravagant shopping. I came and went with no attention whatsoever, and all my various clubs etc were me taking myself off sometimes in the dark, long bus journeys, empty stomach etc etc. You definitely carry it with you. My brother had had loads of therapy to get over our childhood but now doing very well and happy, my sister is completely dysfunctional (NC) and is repeating their cycle.

I can relate to so much. I was the oldest so not sure if they just didn't know how to parent? From about 13 I worked two jobs plus full time school. They didn't buy me clothes, toiletries, shoes anything. No school lunches or breakfasts, family dinner were orovided but that was it. No lifts anywhere social, the odd one to and from work if it was dark ( and that was done begrudgingly!) and when my then BF got his license I was told it was now his responsibility to pick me up from work.

I’ve just remembered going to my friend’s mum’s office with her to get something, maybe a house key or money. I went into the office toilets that were all big and shiny and fancy, and they had piles of towels and tampons on shelves in the cubicles. I’m not ashamed to say that I was so desperate that I filled up my rucksack with it all. Was not at all a kid to steal from people, not ever, although obviously now I’m aware that it was stealing even from such a big company. That saw me through a couple of months that would have otherwise been a bit shit.

Your childhood could be mine op. I was organising my own lunch (when there was enough food), getting myself to school and generally sorting myself from a young age. I never had adequate clothing. And I stopped asking because I knew the answer would be no. I don't think I had a new toy past the age of 7.

I found being a teenager very hard and often used toilet paper as I didn't have sanitary items.

My mum sounds like yours, she doesn't behave horribly or anything. Our house was clean and looked after. It's like she just decided I could make do after a certain age.

I got a job at 15 and moved out at 17.

I was the oldest my mum and dad sort of stopped bothering around 12 I remember having one pair of trousers and begging my mum for some skinny jeans as that was cool then and people used to always ask why I wear the same clothes all the time.
It wasn't just buying me stuff it was emotionally the way they checked out also,

I ended up being sexually assaulted and forced to perform a bj on two grown teenagers at the age of 12-13 and one was 19 one was 13 it was recorded and uploaded to YouTube I think for a few hours but Bluetooth was the thing back then and it was sent everywhere, long story short police got involved obviously and my parents assumed and wouldn't listen that I never ever wanted to do something like that both blamed me for it and said I bought shame on them when I didn't it wasn't my fault, I was bullied for around 4 years daily changed school 3 times missed the whole of year 8&9 officially started secondary properly in year 10 aged 15 I think?
By then my parents just sort of let me crack on with my poor decisions I made after as I was so desperate for love and attention I was really lonely I remember my mum and dad arguing about me because someone in the pub had been laughing about me I was 15 then I think and I heard my dad say well if she wants to act like a slag might as well bring my mates round as a joke but how's that funny? It's fucking disgusting.

I'm 25 now and my relationship is weird with them I still feel a bit needy with them I don't ask them for anything I get all my emotional support from my nana who didn't know what was going on at the time I love her dearly. I have two children of my own now and it has taught me how to be a parent a proper one and I'd never ever treat my kids like how they treated me.

My mum was born in the 40's btw.