To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

I'm interested OP in why your dad isn't being questioned here? I know you said he worked long hours etc, but he absolutely should have had some input in your life and welfare as well

I'm not dismissing your feelings about your mum, I feel they both let you down massively.

My mum had the same issue with my nan, who adored her but was a bit useless as a parent.

Mum remembers having one pair of knickers (aged 11)and having to rub them through in the sink every night to wear the next day.

On her 9th birthday they buggered off on a weekend away, gave her her Mud LP and off they went, leaving my 14 yo Aunty (who was a nasty bully) in charge.

Nan never bought mum proper clothes, always high fashion stuff that just wasn't practical. Her school shoes were top of the fashion range (nan worked in a shoe shop) and mum was constantly getting detention for them. Nan refused to buy her proper shoes though.

Mum never had proper sanitary wear, nan insisted they use old rags and wash them through. When my grandad found out, apparently he went mental and went and bought an entire shops-worth of sanitary products. Mum then knew to go to him for her sanitary products.

Nan loved her kids so much, she'd have killed for them, and subsequently us grandkids. Unfortunately though, some people are just a bit shit at actual parenting.

I totally understand where you are coming from. At the age of 14 i was made to get a paper round and had to buy anything that wasn't school uniform from my own money. If i dint want more clothes they would make up my Christmas presents.

Luckily i dint start my periods until i was 15 so i was able to get my own sanitary products. I even had to but toothpaste as our parents didn't deem it a necessity (both living on benefits with 4 kids and heavy smokers).

My mum died a quite young few years ago (went back to alcohol after leaving my stepdad). I went almost NC before she died and i will never get answers to some of her behaviour toward us kids growing up but i have learnt to be at peace with it and let it go.

Its nice that you know that your parents love you but you can't change the past just learn from it and try and come to some kind of peace with it or it will eat you up.

So sad! So much of this isn't from parents being poor but downright neglectful. My DD has worked from 13 because she wanted to, but she's always kept all the money to spend or save as she likes (she is now 16). We of course buy what we can for her, best we can, but say, for example, she wanted a phone with unlimited data so what we did was pay for what we could afford and she paid the difference from her earnings. Same thing with haircuts. Very happy to pay for monthly cuts but really cannot afford things like bayalage so she pays the difference. She's going to Germany on exchange and of course we fully funded it plus 250 euros for spends but she is adding to that from earnings and also wanted a pricey pair of Nike trainers so I gave her what I'd have paid for a pair of Nikes I can afford and she pays the difference.

It's one thing if your folks simply cannot afford it and another if they CBA'd.

Twinkly My Dad worked hideous hours, very, very hard and he did give me affection and love. He was from another generation...he'd NEVER have asked me if I had enough sanpro! Or even clothing. Nothing to do with him as a person.

My Mum left the family home for the OM, (they are still together decades later and married), I was early teens.

My Dad got a girlfriend and spent every evening out or at her home, my sister went to Uni and I spent every evening alone. Would ask me about school but never helped with homework, never attended parents evenings or helped with revision, just went out. I left home at 16. My dad was a teacher can you believe?

Money wise I was expected to buy everything out of pocket money and was bullied for looking a state.

For me, the hangover from childhood is I didn’t have a dc until I was in my 40s, owned my house & was sure I could provide for him.

I don’t trust easily so no long term relationship. I can’t bring myself to rely on anyone. I still save like crazy so I’m able to give us whatever we need.

DS has clean school uniform every day, non-school clothes, new bike every 2 years, all school trips, swimming lessons, sports kit, play dates, friends, all the things we didn’t.

My eldest sister is still unable to cope with confrontation & has an “emergency fund” that her dh doesn’t know about, although they’ve been married 40 years.

But we survive . And I really enjoy my life now.

I kind of have similar thoughts, OP.
On reflection I realise that I was left to fend for myself more than I should at a young age. My mum was very loving and I know she loved and cared for me, but there’s a few things that make me think she was a bit negligent at times. My sibling and I would make our own lunch from about 12 years old and she wouldn’t check/ensure that this was done so sometimes I’d have next to nothing. She wouldn’t get up in the mornings much and check we had breakfast. I remember lacking energy a lot at school. Clothes were very rarely bought for us, if we said we didn’t really have any clothes she would get some from a catalogue and we would pay back weekly. I got a job at the age of 13 so was able to get things for myself then, but my sibling still struggled a bit. We didn’t have much money, so that was a huge factor, but doesn’t excuse everything.

I know how you feel OP it was the same for me as soon as I had a part time job which to begin with was only a paper round Ihad to provide for myself. I ended up leaving 6th form because I could not afford the bus, clothes, books and everything else.

I'm wondering if it's to do with our Mums being born in the 50s...mine was...and her own Mum had had a hard time in the war I think. Could it be related?

Absolutely not. Whether or not people are neglectful parents has nothing to do with when they were born and brought up.

This thread is so sad. We were bloody poor and once I started a Saturday job I bought my own sanpro to help out but it was never assumed I would. Family helped out in some ways but I had a wonderful mother who did everything she could to make sure we had all the essentials, even though she couldn't afford luxuries.

I can relate to this entirely OP my childhood was the same and I still have a very difficult relationship with my mother now.
I never had new clothes, I was ‘fed’ once a day so had to snack on chocolate bars etc, I was severely underweight but she told people I was going through a phase to be the slimmest girl at school and refused to eat my youngest siblings got the world and even now we are still treated differently.
It’s a horrible situation and now as a mum of 12 and 10 year old girls it breaks my heart how I was treated at their age. Parenting never ends in my opinion, whether your child is 5 or 50 you’re still their mum. I’ll never stop providing for mine (within reason) and the neglect we both suffered im sure has made us stronger and better mothers to our own.

Interesting to read about the emotional detachment and issues with money as an adult. This is definitely me. I'm always stoic and pragmatic but it's that I find it difficult to connect with my emotions. Money wise, I have more than I need but still walk about in clothes past their best and find it difficult to spend it on myself. I have tried therapy and each session seemed to consist of the therapist saying "let's stop talking about everyone else, what about you!" and I would be at a loss. What do I want, what do I need. I definitely come last and the concept of thinking about me is alien to me.
I had, in many ways, lovely parents, it's just there was a point in time that for whatever reason the family dynamic clearly went wrong and I was the collateral damage for that. That's how I square it and deal with it.

sameoldboat Well done for trying therapy,

I’ve not plucked up the courage. And anyway, I wouldn’t trust the therapist enough to tell them about it.

Oh yes OP, I wasn't being critical. I am genuinely interested because my mum is much more forgiving of her dad than her mum, but from what I can see they were both a bit shit (socialising was priority, both had affairs)

Funnily enough, my mum went the opposite. She was super strict, I hated her for it. I didn't dare put a foot out of line for fear of the punishment (never physical, standard stuff)

We had no money but what she had she used on us. At one point that went as far as us being fed a proper meal and her eating 1 boiled egg for her tea.

I'm glad she's told me about her past becsuse it absolutely explains her need to control us as children, she was petrified of being like her parents. It just went to the extreme other end.

Mum was never cruel, but she was so very strict.

And now.... I'm a bit of a pushover with my kids which means they get away with a lot more than they should. God knows what my kids will say about me.

I find this stuff very interesting, from a personal perspective.

I'd love my mum to have therapy, she has so many issues and we've discussed it and definitely think it stems from being ignored as a child 😢

I honestly think our family problems were caused by their unhappy marriage. Father was emotionally and financially abusive, my Mother was in and out of psychiatric facilities and had multiple nervous breakdowns. It made them both selfish in their own way.

My father because he never wanted children and always prioritised my Mother over us. My Mother because she was struggling so hard mentally that she fled back to work in the end for her own sanity (her words recently). So my sister partially raised me, absolutely hated it, resented me, we now don’t talk as adults.

My father died a year ago and had fortunately mellowed with age. My mother is still on the brink of mental fragility but deals with it with anger instead of tears. My partner thinks my family are just crazy as he had the quietest upbringing imaginable and just can’t fathom it being any different 😬🤭

My own parenting is interesting. I love them both fiercely, have to stop myself from being over critical at times, I can be too sarcastic. BUT my god I’d do anything for them, take them anywhere, find them anything. I won’t necessarily buy them anything but if they desperately wanted something attainable I’d find a way to make it happen. All their clothes tend to be second hand but you wouldn’t know it. I have an eye for finding great quality brands, buying stuff dirt cheap in sales etc. So they have tons of clothes 🙈

I can relate so much to this thread. Looking back I was neglected as a younger child, but it really did become a lot worse when I went to secondary. I remember my mum announcing to a friend that she was glad all her children were grown up now, we were 11, 15 and 16 . My DM didn't have periods and she resented buying her daughters sanitary products. Never any clothes. I had mental health issues as a teenager which she put down as attention seeking, and she certainly wasnt going to give me any of that! I ended up hospitalised for the better part of a year and missing my GCSEs and she still refuses to accept that I was actually sick. Or that the way I was treated at home (I was horribly bullied by my sister) had any bearing on it. I have a very strained relationship with her now but I still love her to pieces. I didn't realise how bad it was until I had my own kids. I will never let them feel as unimportant as I did.

I suppose I can see your point RE education about money birdsong. I will certainly try and pass on what I know to dc. But I also think that once over 21 or so it really is a bit daft to blame a parent for not telling us we should save a bit, or to buy property.
In fact, the ideas around buying property have changed a lot since the 90s- firstly it wasn't seen as a risk free investment. Negative equity was a thing, interests rates were very unstable in the 80s. There wasnt the buy to let facility I don't think.
To my mind, in my 20s, I considered buying a house to be something I would do when I was done moving around, settled and married. I couldn't have predicted the massive rise in housing prices, it was fairly unprecedented. So, yes, while I wish my folks had sat me down at 21 and said "look, there's 100% mortgages. Get one" I can also understand why the sense of urgency to "get on the ladder" was missing.
One thing I will DEFINITELY impress upon dc is to start a pension the minute they start work. That is something I wish I had done. As it is I will have to be pushed out to sea on a raft aged 68...
How my childhood experience ( not hideous like some of these but not great) has affected me is I get anxious about not being good enough as a parent, about dc not having the right stuff for school or that I'm deficient in some way. I'm also a little controlling about healthy food, brushing teeth, keeping tabs on where they go, if they are happy at school etc. So just a bit anxious generally.

I hope I'm the only one wondering if it was my post Hepzibah is referring to. Personally it takes a lot of courage to speak up about these things because we are taught from an early age not to tell or complain, so I think it's really important that we listen to everyone's stories and not to minimise them.

to everyone on here and especially to the OP for starting the thread. I've never heard of this phenomenon before and it has been sad to hear others experienced it too.

I hope I'm the only one wondering if it was my post Hepzibah is referring to.
Sorry, which comment?.I have posted a lot-I think it's a really interesting subject.

@HennyPennyHorror my Dad's almost 70 and still asks if I need 'anything' (sanpro etc) when he goes shopping. As he was the only one that took us clothes shopping for essentials or for toiletries. On the flipside, that was the only thing he was good at and he is a manipulative, abusive, angry & violent horrible c*nt the rest of the time, even now... So 🤷

I'd rather have had a loving father than someone asking if I needed a pack of sanitary towels.

At 14 you're old enough to figure it out yourself. Even back then.

I had two jobs - a paper round and a weekend job on top of school and I bought my own extras beyond essentials. Did you not have friends to talk to about it or figure it out with too?

I have just caught up with the other posts on this thread.

I am completely nc with my mother now.
As a parent myself I really cannot find anyway to justify her behaviour towards me as a child other than neglect.

My children have had the opposite childhood to mine and I have been a very hands on mum who has drummed home the importance of education and kindness.

The lasting effect of the level of neglect are that I cannot cope unless the cupboards are full of food as I often went hungry
I have to bathe or shower twice a day incase I smell
My house must be completely clean as I grew up in a shit hole
I always have san pro in the bathroom and my handbag incase someone needs it even though I haven't had a period in 10 years

I was totally rejected at around 10 which is when we went to live with my stepfather abroad.
Up until then I'd had a wonderful loving family and everything I needed, all the relatives pitched in to make sure I had everything.
From then on I was emotionally abandoned, ill treated and wore nothing but rags or school uniform.
I'm 60 now and never recovered from the terrible pain of it, none of my relatives knew what was going on. They sent me comics and little gifts through the post not knowing they were my only lifeline.
I went for about 6 months without any sanitary products because my mother didn't even know I'd started. I wasn't bought a bra until I was 16 and only then because one of my teachers said I shouldn't be going into school without one.
When we came back to england I was sent to boarding school and didn't see my mother or siblings for many years as they continued to live abroad.
The last term of boarding school it had been made clear to me that they weren't going to support me any more or help me to attend university so I spent my last term desperatelty looking for somewhere to live and a job. Funny that not one of the teachers asked me why I wasn't going to university or going home, I'd been so crushed I was unable to reach out to anyone and was invisible.
All these years later I'm crying as I write this as it's so painful.

I can relate to a lot of this too. My mother never bought me sanitary products, hardly ever me bought new clothes or shoes, no pocket money, no lifts anywhere. She used to bang on and on about not having money and how ‘poor’ we were so I was afraid to ask as I didn’t want to add to her burden. Looking back we weren’t that poor at all. My Dad worked his whole life in a secure ok paid job so we had a lot more than a lot of families around us. Also, my mother chain smoked at least 20 cigs a day but always had money for those...

From around the age of 14, it was made clear that if you wanted any pocket money we’d have to get part -time jobs. We lived very rurally so this was almost impossible without transport! It was also made pretty clear to us that further education was not an option (despite us all being very bright, high achievers) and as soon as we reached 18, we would have to move out and fend for ourselves.

One particularly sad memory stands out for me though.. when I was 15 I got the lead role in our school play. I was so proud and desperately wanted to do it but had to give it away as I had no way of getting home from rehearsals as my parents wouldn’t pick me up. I can’t image doing that to one of my children now.

I’ve come to terms with a lot of this as an adult though as I’m almost certain my mother is autistic. Lots of her behaviours would indicate this (looking back she spent most of my childhood obsessively cleaning) so maybe she just didn’t know any better. As a result of how I was treated, I was very emotionally independent from a young age and I’ve carried a lot of that resilience with me to this day.

My parents stopped at about age 11
I had to work,buy my own clothes,pads/tampons,shoes,school uniform etc
They didn’t give a hoot where I was at anytime which sounds great but like I said to my daughter nobody cared enough to check if I was alive or dead
I tried so hard when mine got to the same age to do the opposite without being controlling