To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

I do relate to this too, although would say this was the whole way through childhood.
Had very few clothes during teen years and can remember being bitterly envious of the girls at school with lots of trendy clothes and shoes. I got a saturday job at 16 and the small amount of pocket money stopped but at least I could then stop looking a complete dork as a pp said.
Also was never allowed to be ill - can clearly remember feeling dreadful but knowing i would have to battle through the day at school because mum would not believe that I felt ill and tell me off for it.
We weren't poor - both parents had decent jobs, sibling went to a private school, but mum was just tight .

That said i always had shoes / sanitary wear - that is v sad.

It seems that there are lots of other threads on mumsnet where the children have been waited on hand and foot and are unprepared for adulthood in a different way.

tbh I do worry that I have done just that, possibly as an reaction to my own experience..

Everyone used to exchange Christmas presents and one year I couldn't afford anything so I regifted things that I'd been given for my birthday - one of my so-called friends spread it around that I'd done this and I was ostracised from the group. Petty teenage stuff but it was hard at the time.

Oh Daffodil. I'm a hard faced cow but that's made me choke up.

I didn't have a bad time like some of the people on this thread, but have still had a few times when I've noticed a gap between what I do for my kids and what my parents did for me.

My mum's mother left home when she was 15 and left her with her uninterested dad - she crashed out of her school exams then went to London, living in a women's shelter, getting a job at 16 and fending for herself entirely. So no role models for her to work with; she had to work out her parenting alone. She has always suffered from what I think is anxiety/paranoia, that makes her quite aggressive - her mental health is not really great. When I was 15 she was also bringing up my two little half-sisters, so pretty busy.

She didn't do too bad a job, considering all that. But I remember going to a friend's house and being amazed that she had a whole drawer full of different types of shoes, just for her. It seemed like an amazing luxury; I just assumed they were much richer than us, and that it was different for me, as I was living with my step-family so couldn't just expect a non-blood-relative to get me stuff. (I wouldn't have asked, either.) When I went to uni I got a grant (those were the days!), and paid for all accommodation, food, clothes etc. Later I realised that if I'd asked, she'd probably have still helped me out with money - but I didn't, and she never asked if I needed any. Now, that seems weird - my son is off abroad and I am constantly checking whether he needs anything. But considering her "upbringing" it's not that surprising that she didn't come up with that idea. By her own mum's standards she was doing an amazing job.

My mum too has rewritten everything although I see now my DF was financially abusing her as well as us.

So many stories, some very depressing around birthday and Christmas gifts. I try not to think about the crushing disappointment or arguments or crying

My dsis and I don’t ‘love’ our parents, dsis will not speak to DF anymore and I am LC. DM is lonely and annoying but we do include her in our families although there is much we won’t forget we have forgiven. Very frustrating DM had a lovely upbringing in 50’s with lovely parents but was an only child, they didn’t have much money but DGM and DGF were hard working and DM didn’t go without - but by marrying my dad she married into Scrooge Central. My other grandparents of DF side were very well off but never helped us, DF would often buy himself nice things and we all went without. Our house was horrible and dirty and we had no clothes - usually DM got everything at jumble sales. I remember her DM buying us clothes but well off DGP would bring us bloody fruit pastilles and never ever gave us anything for birthday or Xmas, but I wonder if they did gift cash and my parents kept the money?

My favourite gift I ever got was a cassette tape that my lovely DGF got from a BP garage 😂

I don’t spoil my kids with money as I don’t have much but they are well loved and cared for and have what they need

This is really sad and I can also relate to a lot of it myself.

My Mum didn't tell me about periods, I genuinely thought it was something that happened in your twenties and was absolutely terrified when I was in pain and bleeding in the school toilets. Neither of them asked what career I wanted to do, or encouraged my education other than being happy that I wasn't a naughty child after parents evening...otherwise there would have been a shit storm when the door was shut.

I met my DH at 17 and remember feeling really confused when my MIL asked me what I wanted to do career wise and said that she'd gladly support me and take me to open days etc. Which is really kind of her but sad that my own parents couldn't even be bothered.

I was told that once I had my first job at 16 I had to be independent and they literally didn't pay for anything apart from food, I even got my own shower gel. Which at the time I didn't think much into but now looking at my own dc I would rather they spend time studying or relaxing with their friends at such a young age rather than constantly having to work all hours to pay for basic things.

They were extremely controlling and didn't want me using my car in the evenings sometimes so they would just take my keys from me. My own fucking car that I paid for, insured myself and funded my license entirely. They said that they didn't want to worry about where I was, which I can understand most parents feeling worried when their kid gets independence but it's so fucking selfish to just put a stop to it.

When I had my own dc it really caused a lot of resentment and I don't feel a lot of love towards them in all honesty.

this resonates with me on a personal level but I think people are largely unaware that this has always happened but more importantly it still does - I work in a large FE college and some of the stories from learners that we support are very similar. We can offer limited support and we do have other agencies who can help these young people but it can (and still does) happen.
Interestingly on the rare occasions I have shared my experiences as a child/teenager people have been shocked/surprised as I don't appear to fit their image but also other have been encouraged to share with me their own poor experiences and the shame they still feel

NannyOgg writes I'm not understanding how you can say in the next breath that she did and does love you. She had eyes, she knew it wasn't right. and this certainly resonates with me.

My mum died when I was 13 and left me alone with an alcoholic father. I never considered him deliberately cruel but he left me alone when we went out drinking, never had any money, I was expected to look after myself and in many ways pilloried for not looking after him. I used to say things like well the experience made me what I am and that I wasn't every loveable so who could blame him and so on, and then one day in counselling for something else, the counsellor said to me "Your Dad was an adult. We can accept it was difficult for him, but he made his choices - he chose to drink, chose to live the lifestyle, whereas you, as a child, had no choice." She literally stopped me dead in my tracks I'd been excusing him and blaming myself for so long.

That's interesting grannycake. There's always a lot of talk here on MN about helpless young adults who cannot function and I wonder how much of that is not having too much done for them by parents but too little.

I left home at 16 and was completely self sufficient. My Step-dad emotionally and physically abused me from the age of six so my childhood was kinda warped by that anyway. He finally left when I was 15 but the relationship with my Mum was understandably damaged as was I and we really didn’t get along whatsoever so I left. Best thing I ever did, I turned my life around.

I wouldn’t wish the same future on my DC but I equally don’t allow anyone to abuse them so it shouldn’t be. They have so many things I could only have dreamed of as a child, most often really simple things too like a bedtime kiss and cuddle...

grannycake that is an important point. It does still happen, and it can't be excused or explained by generational differences.

There are people on here saying "oh well it happened in the 1980s/90s" and talking about the era in which their parents were born but the problem is we're talking about ALL eras - there's people on here with parents who are now in their 90s, and there are people whose parents are actually the same age as I am now.

A lot of the posts here resonate with me. I'm late 40s and have a very strained relationship with my mother. I'm just back in touch with her after 3 years of NC. Looking back objectively, she became a single parent with 3 children 6 (me) 5 and 2 months old when she was 26 years old and my dad basically fucked off and made a new family elsewhere. I can understand why she did it, but my mother was always going from relationship to relationship. I lost count of the men she was 'engaged' to. All of that clouded my childhood. There were some happy times, but the majority of it was shadowed by her anger and the fact I would bear the brunt of things (physical and emotional abuse). I would rarely ask for things from her as I didn't have the confidence, plus looking objectively again..she was working to support 3 children mostly on her own. She did remarry when I was 13 years old, but that was to a manchild who had 4 kids of his own so there wasn't much spare money. I do feel she checked out of being a parent to me after they married. I remember they moved house to another part of the town and the bedroom I was given was just awful. In hindsight, I think Harry Potter's cupboard under the stairs was bigger! I didn't go great with my exams, but just about good enough to do A levels, however my mother refused to let me stay on and said I had to get a job. I did get a job and after 6 months or so I went to stay at my friend's house for a few weeks whilst I looked for a flat share. My mother didn't even notice that I had moved out until I rang and told her. I was 17 years old.

I have 2 DCs and it has always played on my mind how my mother essentially didn't care that much through my formative years. I'm not a perfect parent by any means, but I've always put them first. One is an adult and the other approaching adulthood and they are first and foremost still my children. I've always struggled financially, but have done my best to provide and think of their needs before my own. There is a balance, though with giving support and not over compensating to the point of them starting to becoming entitled. I've a few friends with shit mothers too who have over compensated with their own children. Now they have teens who expect everything on a plate with no independence skills at all. I agree with you @GrapesAreNotTheOnlyFruit there has to be a fine balance in order for teens to learn independence without the extreme of being neglected.

No that's harsh. I didnt have pocket money until I got a paper round as parents couldn't afford it. I knew not to ask for too much as mum and dad were on very tight budget. But always had food, clothes etc. The basics

YES I can totally relate to this. By the time I was a teenager I was obviously self sufficient in that I'd get myself home from school, make food, do my homework and entertain myself so I think my parents felt they didn't really need to do anything. We didn't eat dinner together (there'd be microwave meals and we'd each just eat alone). My mum worked late and would go to the gym alot and my dad would mainly go out so we'd be like ships passing in the night. I had a mild eating disorder no one really noticed and I also I think relied on boyfriends to fill the emotional gap.

It's definitely made me very aware with my kids that the relationship can't be sustained in a void. You need to spend time together every day and talk a lot. Even if teenagers are reluctant to tell you what's happening or how they're feeling at least by interacting with them all the time you leave yourself open to being approached and more in tune to changes in how they seem.

Gosh this thread is a tough read and so much resonates with my. My M was verbally and physically abusive, all my clothes were hand me downs that the women in F's office would give me when they no longer wanted them, sanitary towels were rationed etc etc.
M walked out when my DSis was very young and I was expected to bring her up. Recently M told me I did a rubbish job of it!

M is in her 80s and very frail, she can't understand why DSis and I don't want to be her carers.

CarolDanvers do I recognise you from the boy who didn't go to school thread? There's a prime example of people piling in saying at 12 or 13 kids should just get on with it and not expect any support. Or saying that if you buy clothes and give them dinner you've done more than enough. I'm shocked by it but you can see from some reactions on that thread others think its entirely normal and should be encouraged.

Sorry only read the first few pages but YES!! My mum was the same and it was a very stressful time for me (and my siblings) as a result. It wasn't lack of money and if it wasn't for my grandparents I cannot imagine what life would have been like. For example I once went on a school trip with one tee shirt which I had to hand wash myself on the trip (and I had bought that myself with my paper round money). My sister's friend's mother once bought her a pair of jeans. Sanitary protection was another issue I had to use loo paper at times or steal my DM's stuff. I plan to have a cupboard full when my daughters need them. Barely any socks for school etc. I would NEVER want my children to feel stressed like this and as a result almost go overboard which makes me worry that I have created entitled monsters.....
If it had been down to a lack of money I could understand it better. I DO want my DC to have a work ethic so plan not to hand them money when they are older but would never leave them without the basics.

HepzibahGreen you do raise some interesting points, since posting I've also been thinking about the fact that this is a grey area.

It's difficult to untangle where the line is between neglect and letting children learn self sufficiency and independence, it's not always clear.

I grew up feeling very envious of (what I perceived as) nice middle class children - their parents seemed so involved in their lives and fundamentally more protective of their children and engaged in their plans / exams / future plans. From the outside it seemed to me that they were supported in a way that I wasn't.

Neglectful stuff - left to roam streets late at night at 14 (did all sorts of stuff I shouldn't have been doing), no encouragement to revise for GCSEs (failed miserably), no advice / products given for periods, left on my own in the house overnight frequently etc.

Not neglectful stuff - no lifts anywhere, nobody organising my life (good as learned independence and self sufficiency)

Non supportive stuff - didn't live with my (working, richer) Dad, lived with my poorer mum, my Dad didn't ever encourage, support or advise re finances and how to manage them, plan for the future - other middle class children with supportive parents WERE taught or advised on this stuff.

Hepzibah I agree with you re the lines between neglect / independence, but don't agree re the learning about money being all on the child / young adult. Where will they learn this stuff if not from parents? Easier now with internet etc but for me it was learn from my mum (sign on benefits, don't save, rent, don't think about pensions etc). Not sure where the magic learning about money / being a grown up was supposed to come from as a young adult?!

Yup. But from a younger age, I'd say from
as young as about 9 she was just incredibly hands off.

Dad worked full time; she worked part-time, so she should have had time to spend with me etc but she didn't. Like yours, she is/was not a bad mum, she was just very emotionally absent.

She would pick me up from school but then that was it. She was doing housework/making dinner etc. She rarely spoke to me, I got no advice/guidance etc. A lot of things I picked up from friends mums. I didn't ever really have weather appropriate clothes etc. I was just pretty much left to it. She didn't tell me to brush my teeth etc so I remember I went through a phase of not bothering (miraculously my teeth are fine!). But I can remember staying over at friends houses and at bedtime we would go into the bathroom and the friends toothbrush would be laid out ready, with the toothpaste on it! Things like that I always found quite puzzling but didn't really dwell on it.

I didn't really realise how strange it was until I had my own kids at which point I started to find it very upsetting. I haven't said anything to her though as there is no point, it would just upset her. She is quite emotionally detached from most ppl - she has a lot of friends but she keeps an emotional distance from them all. We weren't poor but she came from quite a poor background and she has always lived in fear of ending up with no money so she tries to get by with spending the least amount of money possible. So she wouldn't buy me coats and winter boots etc, sometimes if going out with friends their mums would give me one of their coats to borrow. Looking back on that I feel really embarrassed, for me and my mum. She is very "proper" so I don't understand why she was willing for me to look like such a pauper. I think she just blocked a lot of it now, she just didn't want to know for some reason.

Yes and I suffered and am still suffering from dental issues as no would take me to the dentist for check ups, I had a dentist phobia which funnily enough I'd got from my mum!

I can remember begging my dad for pocket money at around 12/13 as I didn’t have any money to buy my school friends birthday or Christmas presents and wanted to save it up. He said no. I asked for 20p a week, he said no. I luckily managed to find myself a part time job at the place my sister worked washing dishes. Thank bloody god.

Just to add (having now read some of the pp's) my mum did my washing for me, made me dinner, gave me lifts anywhere I wanted to go, and I got pocket money. So I definitely wasn't "neglected". But my mum rarely spoke to me or took an interest in me and I didn't have decent clothes and had zero guidance on the basics like hygiene and no moral guidance etc. Just incredibly hands off from age 8 or 9 or so.

Even now she is very detached. She doesn't ever remember any of my friends names (friends that I have had for 20+ years), she doesn't know where I work or what I do. I have a dog whom I absolutely adore (had him 10 years) she doesn't ever mention him, she doesn't know how I take my tea (black, no sugar) - the list is endless! It's like some sort of mental block she has put up and I'm not sure why. I think there are some mental health issues at play. However, she absolutely sores on my kids and is a wonderful granny.

I think there's something about a parent getting critical /end of life type illness shh can does make everyone reflect on their parenting and upbringing in earlier years. My Dad has a cancer diagnosis and recently, quite out of the blue, asked me outright if I thought he and my mum had provided me with a happy childhood. I was quite taken aback. I did have a good childhood overall, but my father was incredibly strict and had high academic expectations of me into my 20's which did make me quite miserable and wishing to ever return home after uni. I was never allowed a boyfriend at school. So, when I asked, I fibbed a bit and said "yeah, great.....but of pressure now and then maybe". I just thought to myself, what's to be gained now from hurting him? He was a largely great dad and I love him. Sometimes OP, we just have to swallow these childhood demons and move on.

Following on from my post, I think there's a big difference between parents who literally had nothing to give and those parents who chose to give nothing.

I think that's what hurt me the most. My parents at the time told me they didn't have the money.

Which I now know is bollocks because they are dry comfortable, always have been and at the age I was having to work lots after school and college to provide myself with some of the basics, they'd purchased a brand new car.

It's all about balance, I'm sure there wasn't an endless pit of money but why not get a car a few years old, still fairly new, low mileage etc and then use that extra to provide a bit for your children!

If my parents truly struggled to put food on the table and pay for utilities with both of them working, I wouldn't be bitter about it at all, as it's just one of those things really and nothing they could have done. But mine chose to be tight which is hurtful.

Sadly my mil has rewritten history in her head to according to my dh, it sounds like it's common. I do wonder if she realises and just buries or whether she us oblivious. His father certainly hadn't a clue and is now dead. I wish I'd said something over the years but dh said it wouldn't have changed anything and he is right. Some people dont have the capacity to see outside their own persoective on the world.

I think as parents we have a responsibility to our children love and care for them, provide food, warm home and clothes and emotional support but also prepare them to be able to function as kind, independent, thoughtful adults. So as to avoid the snowflakes so often referred to nowadays. It will always be a difficult balance but I'm trying to encourage my dc to be independent and look after themselves but reading this I want to make sure that I'm there for them emotionally as they are nearing the teenage years.

Me and my brother had to work and pay rent from 12 years and kicked out at 16.
Got my own child now and I can’t imagine doing that to him.