To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

I was told off if I ever cried about my mother's death...this fills me with horror now I'm a parent.

I wasn't neglected. My parents did a great job.

I didn't go to my mother's funeral either because I didn't have a black dress and I thought if I didn't have one I couldn't go. My father had hired a temporary nanny and told her to buy me a dress but she didnt. I have no idea why. I didn't want to bother anyone by telling them this so I just said I didn't want to go. It seems totally crazy looking back.

This thread has made me think about things I haven't thought about in years. My parents weren't abusive and they provided for me materially, but in other ways they were completely checked out. When I was 14 I became ill and had to be home-educated. My parents paid for one hour with a tutor per week, but otherwise did nothing for my education. Never checked if I was struggling with the work or the effects of being so isolated. Despite the lack of parental input I got good results in my GCSEs and A-levels but it definitely effected my self-esteem and I find it so difficult to be open with other people now, because if my parents weren't interested, why would anyone else be?

This is totally me and I remain baffled by it

My father was a horrible, abusive bully and DM is not a strong woman (not in the sense she would ever leave him or stand up to him at least)

Once I hit around 13 I became somewhat invisible, while DBro was the golden child (turns out I got the last laugh there )

DM still opines that I didn't pursue the highly competitive and academic career that I had always wanted- she's never considered that the utter lack of any guidance, advice or support might hinder me in any way.

Last week she announced how she always attended school events, partly true until I started secondary. I know I should address the matter as it still eats at me, but she's elderly, widowed and frankly I can't see what purpose it would serve to upset her.

My parents are now getting to the stage of being older and asking for more support themselves. This is not easy considering they never gave me any support. My dad is asking me to forgive my mum, but he never stepped in to support me either. Not easy

@formerbabe that's absolutely awful I'm sorry

I think it matters how these things made you feel. It’s ok to feel like you were neglected even if these things seem trivial in actual fact they are usually wrapped in layers of emotion that you feel were just one part of a lot of sadness. People are just talking about snippets of their life it is not fair to tell them that they are imagining emotional or financial neglect

Going to someone else’s house and seeing a drawer of shoes makes you think wow, they are rich and we are poor
But then when you actually look at it as an adult you were not materially poor but your parents didn’t feel that you needed things you now realise your own DC need

I remember socks were always hard like rocks they were so old and I hated wearing them. I only had PE shoes and school shoes and it wasn’t until I started socialising I realised things were weird. No friends ever allowed to my house and my dad has the weirdest excuses why - basically that the friends were ‘dirty’ or something. Friends had to stand outside the front gate to wait for me and would tell me my family was weird!

I just felt alone and lost
There was one time they both left me age 15 in hospital all day and night I was very afraid and in pain and didn’t feel mature enough to deal with it. I kept trying to phone my DM on our home number to ask her to come in but no one had paid the bill so it was cut off. So I had no one to call. Pre mobile phones FYI. I just felt really sad and even more that it didn’t matter to them I was sad and scared. Many more times I felt angry scared and sad more than a kid should

I would never want my DC to feel sad alone and scared. It isn’t about money and no one has a giant shoe drawer in my house but they have love. I always make sure they are safe, well, fed, happy, warm and they can come to me for what they need. My DC appreciate things I do for them and I do in return too. We are kind to each other (PMT permitting). My DD is 16 but if it thunders she will come slip in my bed for a cuddle because she is scared. When she got her ears pierced I held her hand.

The small things that are missing from a childhood are sometimes the biggest gaping hole

I feel bit cross the school never picked up on it. The PE teacher did mention about not having the kit, and the guidance teacher about wondering if I had enough money for lunch. It didn't seem to matter too much, though. maybe they felt nothing could be done.

I skimmed through this thread and I didn't think there was anything terrible - Freudianslip1 your comment it the nastiest thing I've read on MN in a long time, you should be ashamed of yourself. If you can't understand the thread get off it, people where are giving accounts of appalling neglect and abuse.

Freudianslip1 may have been brought up like this and thinks it is fine. Not everyone recognises the mistakes their parents made. Some minimise rather than be critical of their parents.

As a result of this thread my DSis and I have had a long chat. One of things that gets us both is that teachers, cadet leaders and even our GP knew we were being neglected. They knew about us not having lunch money, bus fares, sanpro, adequate clothes and shoes alongside the recurrent infections and not one of them did anything about.

I'm so glad some on this thread have been able to post that they had loving and caring parents.

Yes windy my mum told our GP to fuck off and stormed out when questioned about me seeming possibly malnourished. Nothing came of it!

Also yes, it is lovely seeing the nice experiences that people have had too. I don’t feel jealous of them, just really pleased for anyone that avoided all this shit.

My DB and I were discussing the other day about how certain smells, songs, even tv shows there will be something that triggers us as it will take us back to something that happened when we were kids. His wife was like “oh yeah, me too, all the amazing lovely times”, and gave some sweet examples, and we had to sheepishly say that no sorry, we were talking about trauma.

Dishing in my defence when my post went through there were another 3 pages on the thread that I hadn't read. From what I did read I do stand by what I said; it is my opinion, I am not trying to minimise anyone's experience. I have dealt professionally with children who have been neglected and the examples I skim read don't even come close. It is entirely fine obviously for posters to feel what they feel.
I didn't have a perfect childhood nor a bad one, my point was though that generationally standards have improved/increased, so working a weekend job 30 or even 20 years ago to buy yourself clothes probably was not that unusual. Parenting nowadays extends well beyond 18, you only have to read on here to see women in their 40s who feel disheartened/abandoned/robbed because their parents won't give them a house deposit.

Apologies if my post came across as nasty, that was not my intention at all. Often we do our best, but don't get it right or slip up. Again professionally the really neglectful parents I have dealt with think they are doing an amazing job!

My sister found this very hard to deal with when she had DC. In this day and age we both think we would be removed from our parents as they did not protect us from a known sex offender he was freely allowed access to all the family DC and repeat offended with the girls
He died as he was facing criminal charges

When seeking professional advice for my daughter, I mentioned my childhood (very much left to own devices, no advice, not much bought for me if anything, little supervision) and the psychiatrist told me this was the way people generally parented in the 70's. This was a huge comfort to me as it had previously baffled me as my mum clearly adores me. Unfortunately I now overparent my kids as a result, my kids still turn to me loads (they are very high functioning and achieve really well!! But SUCH momma's girls) and my bloody 20 year old won't visit the GP without me in tow (I am sure that surgery have be labelled as 'insane controlling obsessed mum'). Maybe there was huge peer pressure back then to let us be independent....

Yes this happened with me a bit too. I didn't get bought any clothes apart from the very occasional thing unless I asked for clothes for my birthday or Christmas. In fact, I didn't really get anything outside of those occasions.

I don't even remember being bought basics such as socks and underwear. I felt mortified on own clothes days at school as I never had anything vaguely fashionable to wear.

My parents was very loving however they struggled financially as we were growing up. We were dressed nicely but dm shopped frugally and a lot of my clothes were hand me downs - which is fine. However my theory is, that once I hit my teens and stopped growing so much, dm relieved herself of having to renew clothes as often and perhaps new clothes weren't seen so much as a necessity as when I was younger (even though they were).

I can relate to so much of this thread.

My mum left when I was 11, then my dad raised me, he remarried when I was 13 but his wife barely spoke to us, let alone parented.
I had 2 jobs plus a paper round and bought all my own clothes and toiletries. I bought my own first bra. I remember when I got nits and told my dad, he said don't be so stupid, you haven't got nits. I used dog flea shampoo and a bit comb stolen from my friends bathroom cupboard.
I was drinking, smoking, having sex and going to nightclubs at 13. I was busy working so never did my homework. I lived in a tent when I was doing my Gcses. When i was 15 they moved house and I never felt welcome at the new one so I ended up moving out.
I have a 14 year old daughter now. There is no way on this earth she would be out on her own at 15. It set me back so much. No proper education, a struggle just to keep warm and fed, I didn't learn to drive until my late 20s, and finally now in my 30s I'm getting an education and persuing a career.
I found out recently that my dad lived with his mum until he was 30. 30! And he thought it was ok I fended for myself from 15..

Fizzysours this was my point, things that may be considered the norm nowadays were not 20 or 30 years ago. I think it is helpful to us to bear that in mind; that way we can perhaps process painful memories where we may have felt neglected/let down more easily and contextualise them.

Yep. I think they were the sixties generation who felt that excessive social control was really damaging. My kids need and get more, I needed more, but I forgive my mum. She is a loving person. Not saying everyone should forgive anything...but my mum is a lovely woman and I think I get what she was doing was 'setting me free' in her eyes.

I know what you mean freud, I mean, jeez there were kids at my school who were pushed around the care system, one kid whose parents were sort of the local, I don’t even know what, clearly had severe mental health issues and were filthy and stank and were abusive and the boy suffered horribly and was permanantely filthy. One girl in my street the mum was a herion addict and would disappear for days! She herself is now a heroin addict. You see and hear of it, unthinkable cruelty and abuse. We’ve all read the papers and the things people do to their children make my stomach churn. For some people here it was that bad, for some people it’s more things like benign neglect, witnessing violence and dysfunction, general misery and helplessness in the face of feckless caregivers. None of it can really be compared because it’s al relative to the person who went through it.

I think the gist of it is, nobody thinks that not having a decent pair of shoes is on the baby P scale, but the feeling of being emotionally and physically neglected, is extremely difficult to bear. It affects your whole life, their dysfunction becomes yours and you need to work damn hard to unwire yourself and de-program all of the shitty input you’ve had.

As an example, my mum thinks my husband is a bit of a pussy (her word, not mine) and is henpecked and she pities him for being so emasculates. Because I have a career and he does school drop offs. My sister is in an abusive relationship, drugs and violence abound, police and SS involved etc, that my mum approves of. What mental work went into me undoing all the bullshit that my mum told me over the years? It’s not easy.

This thread has been an eye opener for me. I was always clean, well fed, regularly taken to the dentist, had nice clothes and shoes, went on holiday etc but had absolutely no emotional support or guidance. My DM is very emotionally immature/stunted due to her own difficult childhood and struggles with anything to do with feelings or emotions and just wasn't really interested in us. We were never encouraged to do well I'm School, or in our hobbies.

I could never talk to her, she would shut anything too hard down. I can remember feeling so alone in my early teens and I knew my relationship with my DM wasn't the same as the ones my peers had with their mothers.

I hate to swear but fuckin hell there are some downright nasty cold women out there. And now those cold hard hearted women will be coming to an age when they need the children they neglected to look after them !

Ohnonotanothernamechange, exactly the same here. I dont need to type out my post as yours is identical to what I would have written.

in my defence when my post went through there were another 3 pages on the thread that I hadn't read so Freudianslip1 now you have read them (otherwise why are you still here?) and you still think its a bit of a fuss over nothing.

I stand by what I wrote, and I am sad to see people are joining in now and agreeing with you. How can you come on a thread and minimise what people have been through like that? And you're telling us you are a professional working with children?! WTAF?!