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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite rsvp

235 replies

Cuppa12345 · 06/06/2019 06:34

I know IABU but twice in the last few months I've got invites to a wedding miles away, on a Thursday, evening only, no kids. One from my cousin and I don't see her often and there's relationship there outside of usual family gatherings so that's fine. I've declined, saying we can't make it.

A really good mate of mine has been talking about her wedding for a while. I've just got a save the date through, evening do in West Sussex, Thursday, evening only. I know IABU, they can invite who they want, "it's not a summons" but I genuinely wanted to celebrate her wedding but I feel like I've been demoted.

It's unlikely I'll go - 1.5/2 days annual leave, prob hotel, babysitters, travel, all for a few hours.

I want to say - sorry, it's a bit far for an evening do mid week!
Is that massively unreasonable: to be honest about why I'm declining?

Both of these people were invited to my whole wedding 5 years ago. We didn't have evening guests, just invited people we wanted there to see us get married and celebrate after. We spent £3k doing it, and I think these people have prob spent 10 times that to have huge weddings in stately homes but scrimped on numbers and had it midweek so they could afford it.

Again prob being VU, but if you can't afford to invite your friends and family on a Saturday to see you get married, you can't afford that wedding and you need to rethink.

Right, rip me a new one MN!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cuppa12345 · 06/06/2019 06:35

A bit seems to be missing. I'm in Essex! Which helps the West Sussex bit

OP posts:
TapasForTwo · 06/06/2019 06:38

YANBU at all. I expect you won't be the only one sending their regrets. Just send a card wishing them well.

Constance1234 · 06/06/2019 06:38

It does seem a bit bonkers expecting people to come a long way for just the evening in the middle of the week. I hate to say it but I think your friend does not see your friendship in the same way that you do. I don’t blame you for declining both invitations, I would have done the same!!

SnuggyBuggy · 06/06/2019 06:38

YANBU it's really tacky. Evening only should just be for neighbours colleagues and your parents local friends. Inviting people who have to travel is poor form.

iano · 06/06/2019 06:39

Nah they can do whatever they like for their wedding. Whom you invited and for what part is irrelevant. You inviting them does not entitle you to anything in respect of their wedding.

Just say no if you don't want to go.

Mumofone1593 · 06/06/2019 06:40

This happens all the time now! My friend was showing off that she had a bigger venue and spent less than me but she got married on a Tuesday. No one took the next day off and there were apparently only 5 people for first dance and cake cutting out of 70, my husband is a teacher and my baby wasn't invited so it was just really hard not being able to go. But the photos were beautiful so I guess maybe worth it as they are what you see forever and not how many people go?

NameChangeNugget · 06/06/2019 06:46

I think YABU (a bit)

They’ve obviously had to make choices and planning a wedding can be divisive and stressful. Gently decline

PencereTencere · 06/06/2019 06:49

YADNBU. I personally think evening invites for anyone aside from local guests is really rude.

We got an evening invite last year which was a weekday wedding when we live right across the country. It would've been a 12 hour round trip for a few hours. Understandably, we politely declined.

Original poster
Cuppa12345 · 06/06/2019 06:52

I get the thing about choices. I choose a £150 John Lewis evening dress, £20 bridesmaid dresses (they looked great) and free wildflower homemade centre pieces so I could afford a free bar and to invite all my friends and family. My dad made the cake and drove me to the venue. We had an ipod with a playlist.

I think people should not choose venues or dresses over people just for the photos. A £300 dress and a free bar is less selfish then a £3000 dress and a bar your guests have to pay for.

Perhaps I'm old fashioned (I'm 32!) haha.

The save the date only came through a few days ago. I'll prob get over it.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 06/06/2019 06:53

I'm not a fan of evening guests, imo it's unpleasant to be basically saying to people that they're your second tier friends. I guess the exception might be work colleagues but even so, I don't like the split personally.

My cousin got married midweek about 10 years ago and it was a ball ache to get there. I understand they were trying to save money but it was a problem for a number of guests who had to leave very early from the reception. Very few people still there towards the end.

I can't think of many circumstances under which I would attend an evening only on a weekday. If it was a close enough relative or friend they would have you at the full day I would think.

CrosscuttingThemes · 06/06/2019 06:54

My DH’s niece invited my two DS ( not us) to the evening only when they were 8 and 10 in another country!!
I declined on their behalf.

TapasForTwo · 06/06/2019 06:55

"but the photos were beautiful so I guess maybe worth it as they are what you see forever and not how many people go?"

I disagree. I am with the OP on this. Celebrating with the people closest to me is much more important than an expensive venue. I would rather have a reception in a village hall and be able to afford to pay for all of my nearest and dearest to attend, than piss everyone off by having an expensive difficult to get to wedding.

twinkle999 · 06/06/2019 06:56

But not everyone “scrimps on numbers” because of cost.
I wanted a small intimate wedding. My DH didn’t. The compromise was limiting the numbers during the day but having 150 at night. It was the wedding we wanted.

clucky3 · 06/06/2019 06:57

I think you are perfectly reasonable to decline citing the distance and timing as the reason.

twinkle999 · 06/06/2019 06:57

PS I suspect we did offend some people and that stressed me out but I really didnt want 150 there for the ceremony - it would have been too much

eddielizzard · 06/06/2019 06:58

That's ridiculous CrosscuttingThemes! What was she thinking?! Shock

Original poster
Cuppa12345 · 06/06/2019 06:59

Twinkle - did people know that? I would be more sympathetic if that was the case. But even still... A Thursday? Ffs.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 06/06/2019 06:59

Don't give a reason just say you can't make it and be honest if she pushes.

eddielizzard · 06/06/2019 07:01

I completely agree. I hate this 2 tier system, judging who gets to go to the ceremony. Just awful. And guaranteed to upset someone. I had never heard of it until we were asked to the evening do (didn't know), and when we turned up they were running late, so we were confronted with a massive room full of people finishing their sit-down meal. I think we got a bacon sandwich about 3 hours later. I hadn't eaten much in anticipation of the wedding. I was starving, embarrassed and hurt.

twinkle999 · 06/06/2019 07:02

At the start of planning we kind of messaged that it might be “family only” during the day (if didn’t end being purely family - but it was mostly family and a couple of friends each).
I was v self conscious about getting engaged as I’d been engaged before and then dumped 2 weeks before the wedding. So I didn’t want all the hoopla! I didn’t really have a hen night, no bridesmaids or anything.
Hopefully people understood - it really wasn’t about money or indeed wanting to offend people. But hey ho, it was our wedding.
Agree re the Thursday.

Swishswish26 · 06/06/2019 07:03

I really dislike ‘evening only’ invites and would nearly always turn them down as it shows that you obviously don’t mean that much to them. Especially rude of bride and groom to do this to guests that live miles away.
We got married on a Saturday in a marquee in my parents garden and guests were invited to the whole wedding, with a free bar. Many friends still tell me it was the best wedding they have been to.
If I was you I would feel no guilt declining a weekday ‘evening only’ invite.

stucknoue · 06/06/2019 07:04

Sending evening invites to people who live more than a few miles away is like sending a "i don't actually want you there but I feel obliged" letter. Politely refuse both citing distance for evening only

MarthasGinYard · 06/06/2019 07:05

'Sending evening invites to people who live more than a few miles away is like sending a "i don't actually want you there but I feel obliged" letter. '

Quite

Spiceupyourlife · 06/06/2019 07:09

I have evening guests (not many but some).

I totally get that many people don’t agree with ‘evening guests’ but personally I had quite a few who fell into an odd ‘grey area’ middle ground.

Close work friends from a job I’ve had for about a year (love them and see them everyday but rarely hang out outside of work). Friends of my parents I haven’t seen since I was a teen (and they only see once a year). Really glad they’re coming ... but I wouldn’t have paid the almost £200 a head the wedding is costing. (Not because we can’t afford our wedding- Just because we’re not ‘that’ close as to justify it!)

burnoutbabe · 06/06/2019 07:10

I'd only bother with evening only only if it was pretty close to get to AND food had definitely been promised. A glorified disco with expensive drinks and standing around is no fun.
I'd maybe travel if there was some other incentive, ie all old uni mates also evening only and we'd make a weekend of it. But not mid week. Taking 2 days off for sone one who really doesn't care if I am there or not is never going to happen!