Wedding invite rsvp

[Cuppa12345]

I know IABU but twice in the last few months I've got invites to a wedding miles away, on a Thursday, evening only, no kids. One from my cousin and I don't see her often and there's relationship there outside of usual family gatherings so that's fine. I've declined, saying we can't make it.

A really good mate of mine has been talking about her wedding for a while. I've just got a save the date through, evening do in West Sussex, Thursday, evening only. I know IABU, they can invite who they want, "it's not a summons" but I genuinely wanted to celebrate her wedding but I feel like I've been demoted.

It's unlikely I'll go - 1.5/2 days annual leave, prob hotel, babysitters, travel, all for a few hours.

I want to say - sorry, it's a bit far for an evening do mid week!
Is that massively unreasonable: to be honest about why I'm declining?

Both of these people were invited to my whole wedding 5 years ago. We didn't have evening guests, just invited people we wanted there to see us get married and celebrate after. We spent £3k doing it, and I think these people have prob spent 10 times that to have huge weddings in stately homes but scrimped on numbers and had it midweek so they could afford it.

Again prob being VU, but if you can't afford to invite your friends and family on a Saturday to see you get married, you can't afford that wedding and you need to rethink.

Right, rip me a new one MN!

Decline. You don't need to give a reason. If they can't figure it out then bless them, they're a bit thick. I wouldn't ever expect kids to be invited to anyone's wedding, even family, so that part wouldn't bother me. However if I invited people who have young kids to a wedding (be it midweek or weekend) then I'd have to expect and accept that they may not come. I declined weekend weddings due to lack of childcare. It's no big deal - and even less of a big deal when it's only an evening invite.

I wouldn't give a reason, but if they asked I'd just say that getting leave is a problem. They must understand that a weekday wedding means a lot of people won't go.

I don't have any problem with evening-only invites for local friends. We've been to lots where we're part of a big group of friends, would be too much to invite us all to the wedding itself so we all just go for the evening party and it's good fun.

However, if it's miles away, it's a lot more tricky, especially if you have kids AND it's midweek!! I agree I would probably decline in this case.

@IHeartArya

My wedding had around 180 guests. Everyone back home was saying what a small wedding I am having.
Here in the UK my colleagues were commenting on what a big wedding it's gonna be!

I had to explain that i once went to a wedding where the B and G had invited 700 people including in those numbers were the people who had organised things for the wedding! The florist, the lady who owned the bridal shop, the baker who did the cake. I know because my mum was the florist and we were seated at the same table as the bridal shop owner! I had never before met the B and G. And of course there isn't such a thing as a tiered wedding so we were in the church as well!
I wonder if some mumsneters fell off their chair reading this

You had the wedding you wanted and now shes having the wedding she wants. You don't have to agree wit hhow shes choosing to spend her budget and im sure people would have had their own opinions of your special day but seriously, you're overthinking this. Either you want to go or you dont, if you dont then just reply and say 'we wont be there to share your special day but look hope you have an amazing day.' If yo want to give your reason why then i would say goodbye to the friendship. if i had a friend who listed the reason like you have then i would say we are clearly different people so lets leave it there.

YANBU at all.

But how sad for you that you won’t be able to celebrate the marriages of people you love.

I’d be straightforward with your good friend. That mid-week, evening, and no children, the logistics are not possible, and you haven’t got annual leave to take.

Why does everyone think that they should have a say in how the bride and groom spend their money?
Everyone appears more bothered about being offended than happy that the couple are getting married

It's 2.5 hrs in the car.

That's hardly a huge deal. I don't think the "distance" is the issue really. I think you just have the massive hump because you've only been invited to the evening do.

People have the weddings they want. This friend obviously wants something very different to how you wanted your wedding. Neither is right or wrong. If you don't want to go, don't go. But don't pull the "I genuinely wanted to celebrate her wedding" when it seems you only want to celebrate if you don't have to travel far, if you can celebrate for the whole day rather than just evening, if the wedding is on a Saturday and if you don't have to find a babysitter.

Having "evening guests" only works if you basically have a huge sense of occasion and the night time is one humdinger of a party.

It's unrealistic to expect someone to take a day and half's annual leave for a midweek evening out, a pay bar and a bacon butty if you are lucky when all the main action is over and all the day guests are knackered/pissed already.

YANBU to sack it off OP. Don't be rude about it to your friend though.

Why does everyone think that they should have a say in how the bride and groom spend their money?

I don’t think OP has done that.

It’s ok to have an opinion about other people’s choices when they affect you, even if it is their wedding.

It’s unlikely that most people here, regardless of how strongly they feel about evening invites or mid week weddings, would do anymore than give an eyeroll at the B&G. OP is hardly about to write a poison pen letter because she’s pissed off about getting an evening invite to a venue 2.5 hrs away.

It’s not so much the OP in this case - it’s the ‘if can’t afford to do XYZ you should get married in a registry office and go to the chippy afterwards’ brigade. If you really care about someone how they cater for the evening (if they cater even), if kids are invited, how much the drinks cost shouldn’t matter. If I can’t make it then I send my apology, if I can then I go and I am happy for them, I don’t go purely so I can bitch that I only got a sausage bap, or had to pay £7 for a glass of wine - if either of those are the case I internally wince at how much it must have cost them BUT THAT IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!!

I don't mind an evening invite - at least you don't have to spend all day making small talk while feeling like your spanx are cutting off the circulation to your legs. Mid week weddings however are awful, no one should expect anyone to go to one. I've got a relative who was highly annoyed people didn't attend their Tuesday wedding.

2.5 hours is far, isn't it? Although prob more as we would need to travel at rush hour to get there for 7pm.

This thread has gone on longer than the evening do is likely too.

Just respond with a thanks but unable to make it.

Is that massively unreasonable: to be honest about why I'm declining?

Not at all, My best friend text me Yesterday telling me to save the date for her wedding in Greece next year and sent a link to the hotel so I can book. I was honest from the start and said we wouldn't be going, We don't like flying. She was upset and asked why I didn't want to see her get married but that really isn't the case, we would love to be there on her special day but in Greece? Nope.

Apart from the flying, Although we could afford it I would much rather spend that money on a Family holiday to a destination where we want to go.

I decline evening invitations as a matter of course. My view is either you want someone to attend your wedding, or you don't. And sending 'evening only' invitations to people who live miles away is very definitely rude. (No doubt the invitations will come with the expectation of a gift, too).

I wouldn't make a song and dance about it. I'd just politely decline; no need for a discussion or to give a reason.

Depending on circumstances, and on how close I'd previously felt the relationship to be, it might cause me to reevaluate my relationship with the couple, too. Unfortunately there is nothing quite like a wedding or a funeral to bring out the truth about people's real feelings (or lack thereof) about each other.

Waiting

I know - my cousin is getting married in a few weeks in Cyprus. She’s catering for around 2000. Not a typo. Food & drink! No separation of guests. They can’t believe our small weddings in U.K. - they consider 4/500 small! And most are on a Sunday. MN would explode!

Those saying they won't be offended if you don't come , we have a relative that still doesn't talk to us because we didn't go to their party.
The wedding was in Spain.
The evening party when they got back was 130 miles away.
My Mum was due to have major surgery and was very poorly.
We didn't go to her £100 a person hen do either and she kicked off massively about it.
I'm a single Mum on my own with two kids. My parents are pensioners.

People are twats about weddings .

If this were a Punjabi reception I would be there with bells on as these often are as big as weddings - free bar, expensive bottles of alcohol on the table, photo booths, three course sit down meals, and DJs.

If this were a non-Punjabi reception I’d have think about it, as the majority of the ones I have attended tend to be basic. There’s no sense of occasion, often only sandwiches are out in terms of food, and the overall party isn’t worth the cost of annual leave / childcare.

Oh Christ, wedding invite snobs are so tiresome. I had a tiny family wedding for a few reasons, but mostly because we got married in DH's home country and we didn't want anyone to feel pressured to travel bar immediate family and closest friends. Then we had an evening reception in our home country a week later and invited all our friends and family. According to MN that makes me selfish and them second class citizens etc etc. You can't do right for doing wrong when it comes to weddings
so you may as well do what you want.

We only had evening guests! Tiny wedding and then a big party a few weeks later. Barely anyone declined, but we very definitely billed it as a party. Really touched by those who travelled, not upset by those who did didn’t.
It’s really up to each couple how they do it, equally up to each guest to decide whether to attend or not. I never think of how much we paid, or who has invited us to what in return (or before). Life is way too short for any of that.

You say you think if people can't afford to invite family and friends on a Saturday they should rethink. ( I don't know how to highlight and paste that phrase from your post)

The reason dh and I had a wedding was because we wanted to get married . To us the focus was on our vows and a nice meal in a place that was special to us.
We did not want several hundred people and all that .
As it happens we were not invited to the wedding of 2 of bridesmaids . ( I only wanted 1 but families can be a pain and interfere)
If I had it to do again, it would only be those people that we are close to.( Not family because they are simply that) but just family that we were close to.
We didn't have evening do .
Yes it's sad you didn't get the invites that you were expecting.
Cool down before you send a card .
Though I have seen people turn up at weddings for whole day when either not invited or only invited to evening do. Non were turned away !So does it pay to be cheeky ?

Why does everyone think that they should have a say in how the bride and groom spend their money?

Where has OP said she should have a say? Has she decided to show up for the day reception despite not being invited? Is she going to hold a demonstration outside the church? All she's doing is expressing an opinion about what the B&G have decided. It would be very naive to imagine that just because a wedding is involved none of your family will have an opinion on an event they've been invited to/excluded from.

Midweek weddings are crap and obviously to save the couple money. That's fine then if they don't moan there was no atmosphere etc at their evening party becayse hardly anyone was there or left early as I've heard people do.

I live in London. I once got a save the date for a wedding on a Friday, and the groom told me beforehand where the wedding was going to be so I could make travel arrangements etc- near Dundee. Fine, great, arranged the day off, travel, hotel and so on.

A few months later I receive an invitation... to the evening reception. Although it did say we were welcome to attend the church ceremony as well.

We did eventually get upgraded to the afternoon reception too after a a few people dropped out. But DH and I were very about the whole thing.