Wedding invite rsvp

[Cuppa12345]

I know IABU but twice in the last few months I've got invites to a wedding miles away, on a Thursday, evening only, no kids. One from my cousin and I don't see her often and there's relationship there outside of usual family gatherings so that's fine. I've declined, saying we can't make it.

A really good mate of mine has been talking about her wedding for a while. I've just got a save the date through, evening do in West Sussex, Thursday, evening only. I know IABU, they can invite who they want, "it's not a summons" but I genuinely wanted to celebrate her wedding but I feel like I've been demoted.

It's unlikely I'll go - 1.5/2 days annual leave, prob hotel, babysitters, travel, all for a few hours.

I want to say - sorry, it's a bit far for an evening do mid week!
Is that massively unreasonable: to be honest about why I'm declining?

Both of these people were invited to my whole wedding 5 years ago. We didn't have evening guests, just invited people we wanted there to see us get married and celebrate after. We spent £3k doing it, and I think these people have prob spent 10 times that to have huge weddings in stately homes but scrimped on numbers and had it midweek so they could afford it.

Again prob being VU, but if you can't afford to invite your friends and family on a Saturday to see you get married, you can't afford that wedding and you need to rethink.

Right, rip me a new one MN!

Where have I said I'm asking them to reconsider my wedding?

That would be in your opening post:

but if you can't afford to invite your friends and family on a Saturday to see you get married, you can't afford that wedding and you need to rethink.

I'm not over invested, I'm just replying to what you're saying. I'm also not taking it personally. I just think it's a bit harsh to post online that your friend is selfish because she won't specifically accommodate you when she has lots of other guests too.

We get a lot of evening invites as we tend to be friendly but not particularly close to a lot of couples. They are all local though so it doesn't bother me.

I agree that evening only invites, mid week and far away, are rude and pointless.

I got an invite to a wedding 6 hours drive away, mid week. It was a good friend I used to live with at uni. I'd have made the trip for a day invite but not evening. I wasn't at all offended it was an evening invite, it was just nice to be invited.

People would love to invite everyone all day, I'd have loved to do that but we just didn't have the money. I opted for a beautiful wedding with evening guests. No regrets what so ever. I invited a distant rele who lives 4 hours away to our evening do, I anticipated a no but I wanted them to know they were at least invited. The other distant rele's were also evening guests, they lived nearby and could attend, I couldn't justify inviting the one further away all day just because of where they live when the same relation gets an evening invite. Plus we aren't close anyway.

Whatever you do with weddings you end up upsetting someone!

I think that honesty is often the best policy, as if you go down the little white lies route sometimes people try and come up with solutions for you. So tell them the truth. She may be expecting you to decline tbh. One of the reasons we had to wait 2 years for our chosen venue was because we really had to do it on a Saturday, otherwise the many people from outside of the local area would struggle to attend.

I don’t mind a local evening only invite. Useful for work colleagues, your five a side team, and parents friends kind of thing.

I wouldn’t go to an evening only invite if i has to travel, and especially on a weekday.

Thursday wedding? That’s bonkers.

YANBU to decline, I definitely would. Personally I can't stand going to weddings nice as it is to be invited.

You sound a bit more than disappointed to me...
Anyway, 'I'm sorry I can't make it' will do nicely. No need to or point in elaborating.
Incidentally I've been to evening dos mid week and loved it. I can't understand why one would take offence to being invited to a party. Each to their own ey?

Decline, but don't whinge on the RSVP - just say you won't be able to make it.

I don't mind evening guests, but local only - I've declined an evening only invite to a child-free wedding a couple of hundred miles away.

Perhaps it is because I am old, but I don't remember the drinks being free at weddings I attended. A first drink and some with the meal but the rest guests paid for.

I wouldn't say why unless asked.

I don't think people who invite distance guests to the evening only really expect them to attend. It's a gesture IMO

This thread has made me very sad. I'm getting married next year and my DP has an enormous family and we are getting no help with the costs of it all soc we are on a very tight budget. We've opted for the most affordable venue we could find and I've bought a second hand dress. Even with all of that we can only afford a limited number of guests for the food. I love my friends and see them as family but my DP thinks family comes first (for him they do and I respect that, it's his day as well and I'm glad he loves his family, I really like them too). I had hoped that this would be fine and to put all of my energy into making the evening do the biggest part of the day and that all of my friends would understand that they are not "second tier", I'd be really upset if anyone rejected on that basis as they are the ones I really want there. I'm really worried after reading all of these responses that lots of them won't turn up

That said all of my friends are local and we have gone for a Friday so evening only invites mean people won't have to take time off work and we have put on kids entertainment to try and make things as easy as possible so my situation isn't in response to the OP. We definitely have decided that anyone that needs to travel or take annual leave gets an all day invite. We also haven't told anyone our plans yet as we are hoping to bump as many people up the list as we can if people reject.

Unless the B&G are totally oblivious to other people’s life/work/childcare situations, I’m sure they’re well aware they’re going to get a few polite declines for their evening-do-in-the-arse-end-of-nowhere venue.

I tend to agree with OP on midweek weddings anyway- I’ve been to a few and the atmosphere is completely different to a weekend or bank holiday where people can let their hair down without worrying about work the next day.

People can take anti-midweek wedding talk really personally on here. As if it isn’t common sense that when you’re inviting 70+ people to what is essentially a party, some people might not be thrilled to have to book two days annual leave because it’s always been the brides dream to get married in Longford on a Wednesday.

Totally agree with citadel, I have been married twice , both occasions thought carefully about my guests and what would make the day special and easy for them, we had a lovely lunch in a marquee (Scout tent) in my parents modest garden for my first wedding, much to ex MIL’s disgust who wanted a big, formal sit down do in an expensive venue, I did include all the friends and family on her side that she wanted to invite.

My second wedding was very small, nice lunch out and that was it.

I am at the age where fortunately I am invited to very few weddings now and if we are it is either as the elderly relatives stuck on a table somewhere. I just decline invites to friend’s weddings now.

And when I look back at all the friends’ weddings I have been to, most couples have now divorced (inc me from my first marriage) or we have completely lost touch with the friends. So much for making a big thing about having lots of friends to your wedding.

My biggest fear now is that my DS would want a big fancy wedding .

Even with all of that we can only afford a limited number of guests for the food.

So no food for evening guests? God that is hella rude. At least have a potluck so people can have something to eat or not or a BYOB or some place where they can duck out to grab a bite or warn them beforehand.

I'm old, too. I've also been married twice. Ragwort, when did this trend for having big ol' weddings including evening do's come in for second and subsequent weddings? My second wedding was also a registry office and then lunch for family after affair but on MN you hear of people invited to far off evening do's in stately homes and touts for cash and the couple's been married like three times already. I'd be like, eh?

Midweek weddings are always rubbish. If people want to have a rubbish wedding so that they can afford a fancier venue then that's their decision, but I think it's very much a false economy.

I hate all day weddings, I think all day is boring as anything, the ceremony means nothing unless you are immediate family and even then most marriages end in divorce anyway. I'd much rather just be invited to the evening only, nice party, but if food, don't mind paying for my own drinks. Have no problem with going mid week. Also mid week is a much nicer event as people don't tend to get as drunk as most have work the next day.
I actually think a ceremony with just the key people, immediate best friend and parents is far more respectful to a marriage than just loads of people where you show off a dress.
It doesn't matter at all what you prefer it's what they want, they don't want you there all day, if you don't want to go that far in the evening don't. Non issue.

So no food for evening guests?

Sorry should have been more specific, I mean the wedding breakfast at the venue. They allow outside catering for free for the evening so it will be much easier to feed everyone on a budget.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all for feeling hurt / let down but we don’t all think the same way and to some people that big flashy wedding is going to be very important, for lots of different reasons I guess. It’s their choice but you’re allowed to feel down about it. I’d decline but not give reasons unless she asked. But you know your relationship with her best sondonehat you think is right!

I’m different to how the majority on mumsnet seem to view evening invites and I think they absolutely have their place. For example my husband is a hairdresser and we will occasionally be invited to that kind of thing, some of these people he sees every two weeks and have talked about the day for years........ it wouldn’t be right for us to go to the whole day but the evening I think is right. We have also been invited to the evening of a mum on my sons football team. Again we see each other every week and chat but we’re not best friends so evening invite worked there as well I think. Doesn’t sound like your relationship is like this though, sounds like you’re v close 💐

APologies as I haven’t read the full thread but hijenny has got it spot on. I’m having a midweek weddding (the next day is a bank holiday) and only inviting 10 day guests (on my side). Immediate family only. We can not afford more but would of course love them plus I’m not getting married to put on a show. I want to do it respectfully. Inviting evening guests is much cheaper and most people are there for the party part. All our friends/neighbours etc understand. It’s expensive in the day and if by cutting numbers in our day means we can have an intimate ceremony with our nearest and celebrate more with everyone in the evening then that’s the best route. If people can’t make it then that’s understandable

You are putting too much thought into this.

You received a Save the Date for an evening do only because they would be happy to see you there, but wouldn’t care too much if you can’t make it.

Therefore, when the invite comes, just decline and wish them well if you don’t want to go. No need for any drama or upset 🙂

YANBU I think evening guests are OK for people who you aren't close to: maybe a group of work colleagues or people from a local hobby you don't see much socially and who won't have to travel.

I hate the fact that some people prioritise a posh venue over having friends and family there. Obviously it's their decision and they can do what they want but I think it's a shame.

*I want to say - sorry, it's a bit far for an evening do mid week!
Is that massively unreasonable: to be honest about why I'm declining? *

I would 100% tell them!! If you are only invited in the evening for their big day then there's not much love lost is there.

You are right - they are being selfish booking a mid-week wedding, and yes probably to get a nice venue for very cheap.

Mid-week weddings are unreasonable.

They've asked for RSVP to the save the date so they can then send invites nearer the time.

Is it just me thinking that Essex to W. Sussex isn't a particularly long way? It's not like it's the other end of the country. Perhaps the bride and groom don't think that Essex is that far either. Surely it would be just a half day off work (Thurs afternoon) and drive home to Essex after the evening party. Yes it means someone can't drink but would you want to be drinking loads if you're working the next day? The M25 will be lovely and quiet (well, relatively) at that time and you'd be home in no time.

It's 2.5 hrs in the car. 5 hrs driving, probably longer in the car than the disco