Wedding invite rsvp

[Cuppa12345]

I know IABU but twice in the last few months I've got invites to a wedding miles away, on a Thursday, evening only, no kids. One from my cousin and I don't see her often and there's relationship there outside of usual family gatherings so that's fine. I've declined, saying we can't make it.

A really good mate of mine has been talking about her wedding for a while. I've just got a save the date through, evening do in West Sussex, Thursday, evening only. I know IABU, they can invite who they want, "it's not a summons" but I genuinely wanted to celebrate her wedding but I feel like I've been demoted.

It's unlikely I'll go - 1.5/2 days annual leave, prob hotel, babysitters, travel, all for a few hours.

I want to say - sorry, it's a bit far for an evening do mid week!
Is that massively unreasonable: to be honest about why I'm declining?

Both of these people were invited to my whole wedding 5 years ago. We didn't have evening guests, just invited people we wanted there to see us get married and celebrate after. We spent £3k doing it, and I think these people have prob spent 10 times that to have huge weddings in stately homes but scrimped on numbers and had it midweek so they could afford it.

Again prob being VU, but if you can't afford to invite your friends and family on a Saturday to see you get married, you can't afford that wedding and you need to rethink.

Right, rip me a new one MN!

CitadelsofScience
A woman after my own heaet

Little
They aren't in Essex or W Sussex. HTH.

Poesy
I'm not kicking up a fuss. I'm asking whether when I RSVP, I say "sorry, bit far to come for the evening, have a great time" or just "sorry, won't be coming". People insist on making out like people with a gripe are having a hissyfit and throwing their toys out the pram but while I'm clearly dissapointed, I said it my OP people can do what they want. I just consider it selfish for people to do what they want without thinking of others.

I have no issue with evening only invitations. I'm not overly keen on midweek weddings but I wouldn't knock anyone for doing it and have attended a couple.

I do however object to midweek evening only invitations. That's taking the piss.

(I also think evening invitations when travelling and hotels etc are involved are a bit rude.)

I've recently declined three.

Totally agree with you op

Poesy, I imagine that guests like CitadelsofScience haven't RSVPd to your wedding if it's a big showy, buy your own drinks, I've got 8 bridesmaids, midweek kind of thing. Is it?

You are kicking up a fuss. You do realise you're not the only wedding guest right? It's not possible to please everyone with a wedding. If your selfish, it's all about meeee attitude on here is anything to go by, she's better off not having you there. And yes YABU, just tell her you can't go

But I can go. I just don't want to! I'll just be saying I'm not going rather than I can't, if anything.

Kicking up a fuss would be telling her I'm annoyed, making it public to our friends/family, asking her to reconsider. How is privately being dissapointed kicking up a fuss.

Think we may have to agree to disagree.

I imagine that guests like CitadelsofScience haven't RSVPd to your wedding if it's a big showy, buy your own drinks, I've got 8 bridesmaids, midweek kind of thing. Is it?

Actually no one declined, no bridesmaids, no big showy event at all. Just a church ceremony that we as a couple attend on a regular basis and a nice hot meal at a local venue - all on a Saturday. But don't let the facts get in the way of your assumptions about me.

I don’t like evening invites either. I can’t see the pint, after all it is the wedding ceremony that is important. I would felt like ‘padding’ and just adding to numbers to the party unless I was a colleague or neighbour, in that case I would attend if it was very local and the logistics were easy. If a good friend invited me to an evening only wedding, and others were invited beyond family I would assume the friendship wasn’t that important to her, and we were not the good friends I thought we were.

In your instance I would decline due to logistics of getting there etc and send a small gift and card.

Something along the lines of:

I hope you have a very special wedding day. Thank you for the evening invite, I am very sorry I can’t be at the party. See you soon for drinks and photos. Love xx

I would just politely decline

However I'd consider the 'too far to travel slightly rude and unnecessary.

I just don't want to!

So just don't go then. There's no need for a whole MN thread about how your friend is so selfish and should change her wedding as she obviously can't afford it just because you don't want to go.

DH works for a large company so evening dos were always common. They were always treated like a night out, shared transport and gift. No hassle. A midweek evening do though, no chance! Grief and not even invited to the wedding.

DHs cousin got married on a Wednesday 250 miles away. They picked the Wednesday on purpose, there was nothing stopping them having a Saturday wedding (without giving it away the venue was theirs to use whenever). They just decided it would be ‘more convenient’ for everyone.
Of course most of the family didn’t go, including SIL who is a teacher.
They were furious and DHs aunt rang his mum to complain they had spent a fortune on babysitters and children’s entertainers to make coming easier... except none of us had kids.
Bonkers.

You inviting them does not entitle you to anything in respect of their wedding.

That is of course true as a bland fact, but in terms of interpersonal relationship it’s a big statement, and can cause repercussions.

Don't say anything! Just decline. 'Sorry, can't make it'.

DS and I have been invited to an evening do next weekend. We are delighted. It will be in a field, with live bands and camping, so like a mini festival, with pals.

Evening do's on MN are rarely remotely like this. Usually a shit show, not a party, that the B&G also expect you to hand over cash for.

YANBU. I hate these 'evening only' invites. It's patently obvious that the couple consider the invitee to be a second-tier friend and the lesser invitation spells that out in fucking great letters. If you get married, you invite people to see you GET FUCKING MARRIED and then to the party afterwards. Rent-a-mob invites to pad out the evening disco or whatever are the height of bad taste IMO. So no, in your place I would decline and since this person is such a 'good friend' I'd probably spell out why (as you suggest in your OP).

Our evening guests were mates of my DSis, one lived near the venue so it was a cheap night out then they all went to the house nearby, got pissed and slept over. It was a nice way to say thank you to DSis for her bridesmaid duties.

This is why wedding planning is so stressful! Potential guests are always going to be offended as everyone has different ideas as to what is an ‘acceptable’ wedding format! The evening guests we invited were predominantly colleagues who obviously knew we were getting married, but to whom we didn’t feel close enough to share the whole day. They were invited to the evening for a party, if they wanted to come, great, if not, fine! Their choice. I’ve been to evening receptions of my husbands colleagues whom I have never met and would in no way expect to be there for the ceremony, it’s too personal to have people you don’t know. But the party is a great way to let your friends you’re not as close to join in. Yes it’s a tiered system, but don’t all people have different friends, some of whom are close and others not so? An invitation means you are invited, come if you want, let us know if you don’t want to! Don’t make it into a big deal or take offence! The couple are not obliged to invite anyone!

IF she questions you, then I would be honest. It’s a very very long way on a Thursday evening, requiring two days off work just to be there for a few hours in the evening. Had the invitation included seeing her actually get married, and be there for the day celebrating of course you would not have hesitated to accept.

I think she is a CF expecting people to travel so far on a Thursday night and not even invite them to the actual wedding!!!

I did say IF it was Poesy. I get this seems quite raw for you as a nearly-bride but you seem to be taking my objection to my friend inviting me to her reception quite personally. Where have I said I'm asking them to reconsider my wedding? I've asked whether I give the actual reason I'm not going without being prompted. Consensus is not to, which I'm going to listen to.

Rather than say I'm over invested for starting the thread, perhaps take a step back and realise you are commenting frequently on this thread and may potentially be over invested in my over investedness?

So I would say to your question no

No reason needed

Cool, thanks Martha. Good advice.

I think evening guests are fine BUT they should be the friends who are local, not the family travelling for several hours. That's ridiculous.

Sorry, meant notabedofroses but you too Martha! Sorry.

But as pp says

if pushed

I'd elaborate on my reason slightly

"I'm old and I can't stand all this evening only, pricey hotel stay, pay for your own bridesmaid dress, cash bar nonsense just so you can have your 'dream' wedding.
In my mind you pay for your guests, all food and drink and you pay for all bridesmaid dresses and the men's suit hire if they're in tails"

Almost totally agree - everyone's drinks for the whole do is beyond most people's budgets - maybe I'm old too? (46)

I also don't agree with child free weddings.

I was raised that weddings were a family occasion, including children. I've attended lots over the years and been aware of many others, not one has been child free, mid week, or the bridal party had to pay for their own clothes that they don't choose and they'll never wear again - that seems to be a very recent thing.

I also used to work in the industry and seriously most of the frippery is totally unnecessary and just a way to get more money out of bridal couples.

Yes it's the couples day but we seem to be getting to a point where guests needs are virtually ignored!

No, you're hosting an event your guests needs should matter to you.