Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite rsvp

235 replies

Cuppa12345 · 06/06/2019 06:34

I know IABU but twice in the last few months I've got invites to a wedding miles away, on a Thursday, evening only, no kids. One from my cousin and I don't see her often and there's relationship there outside of usual family gatherings so that's fine. I've declined, saying we can't make it.

A really good mate of mine has been talking about her wedding for a while. I've just got a save the date through, evening do in West Sussex, Thursday, evening only. I know IABU, they can invite who they want, "it's not a summons" but I genuinely wanted to celebrate her wedding but I feel like I've been demoted.

It's unlikely I'll go - 1.5/2 days annual leave, prob hotel, babysitters, travel, all for a few hours.

I want to say - sorry, it's a bit far for an evening do mid week!
Is that massively unreasonable: to be honest about why I'm declining?

Both of these people were invited to my whole wedding 5 years ago. We didn't have evening guests, just invited people we wanted there to see us get married and celebrate after. We spent £3k doing it, and I think these people have prob spent 10 times that to have huge weddings in stately homes but scrimped on numbers and had it midweek so they could afford it.

Again prob being VU, but if you can't afford to invite your friends and family on a Saturday to see you get married, you can't afford that wedding and you need to rethink.

Right, rip me a new one MN!

OP posts:
PoesyCherish · 06/06/2019 07:59

if you can't afford to invite your friends and family on a Saturday to see you get married, you can't afford that wedding and you need to rethink.

Oh my goodness get over yourself! Maybe they want to have less people during the day. Maybe they want that venue more than they want lots of people. Why do guests always become so selfish about weddings. It's not about you, it's about the bride and groom starting their marriage in the way they want to.

Original poster
Cuppa12345 · 06/06/2019 07:59

Would you say anything in the rsvp, dizzy, or just say "we won't be coming"

OP posts:
LittleLongDog · 06/06/2019 08:03

But even still... A Thursday? Ffs.

You know this isn’t a party just for your benefit right? It’s their wedding. A Thursday was probably affordable.

They’ve invited you to celebrate with them. If you can’t book the Friday off work or just don’t want to go then don’t go. But don’t be bitter about the fact that their wedding doesn’t cater exactly to your tastes.

darjeelingisrank · 06/06/2019 08:03

No need at all to say anything, just decline. New trend now, you're not missing anything, you probably wouldn't have even been offered a sausage roll and a cup of tea but they'd ask you for cash for attending. Don't give it a second thought or feel obligated to hand over money as a gift.

fairweathercyclist · 06/06/2019 08:03

I think it's bad form when someone lives a long way away too but I suppose sometimes people think because you invited them, they need to fit you in somehow. For local friends it's fine. I had two people at the whole of our wedding who subsequently only invited us to the evening part of theirs. We went to one as it was relatively local but the other was in Yorkshire when we were living in Surrey.

I had a very few evening guests at mine - family friends rather than personal friends of mine/DHs - it was so few they really should have been invited all day as it would have made very little difference to overall numbers (and I had a few drop-outs in the run up to the wedding anyway to the extent I was worrying about getting the minimum numbers for the venue) but they were at least very local.

Weekday weddings are a good way of keeping the guest numbers down I guess, especially when prospective guests have school aged children.

I think if you have a small ceremony and then a large evening party it's fine. It's when you turn up as a guest and realise that nearly everyone has been there all day and you weren't considered good enough to be there, that you feel a bit sad. But hey ho, it makes you reconsider the friendship.

Original poster
Cuppa12345 · 06/06/2019 08:03

A wedding is about the guests too. If it's just about the two people getting married, then have a registry office or a tiny family only wedding. Otherwise why bother inviting people if you're going to have the selfish attitude of "it's my day, so close friends can pay a fortune to travel and stay over for a few hours because it's all about me". To me, that's a selfish attitude to have. When planning any party - wedding, big birthday, whatever - its polite to consider the people you are inviting, isn't it?

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 06/06/2019 08:05

The only people I invited to my evening do were local work colleagues (the whole office - about 8), friends of my brother and sister, and a few people my parents knew well enough to go out for drinks with every now and again.

ComeAndDance · 06/06/2019 08:05

Cuppa I would just say ‘unfortunately, we wouldn’t be able to make it’ on the rsvp

I expect she will ask you why and then you will be able to tell her. Or she will have had so many NO that she will have got the message anyway.

user1474894224 · 06/06/2019 08:06

@Cuppa12345 do not tell them why unless asked. (or just a bland due to distance and childcare on a week night we are sorry we can't come).

Everyone has different values in life. Yours are friendship, sharing, community etc etc Which is why you did your wedding your way. - which is what we did too. However we can't expect everyone else to be the same. I think what you are really struggling with is realistic your friend doesn't hold the same values as you. And it probably makes you question the friendship slightly. (If you still enjoy her company and she makes time for you then really nothing has changed. And don't fall out over it. She may look back in years to come and wish she'd done it different or maybe not.)

Sammy867 · 06/06/2019 08:06

I had mine on a Thursday. I didn’t have evening guests either, just all day or nothing. It was half term so we weighed up costs vs knowing who wouldn’t be able to come and thought Thursday in half term was much better. One of my MIL cousins couldn’t come as her kids half term was different to everyone else’s but no one else was unable to make it.
It didn’t bother me at all as I Knew when I booked it that the odd person couldn’t come I would just be honest

LittleLongDog · 06/06/2019 08:06

They’re not selfish to invite you to their wedding. They’re giving you the choice, you either want to/can go or not. Either accept or decline - no need to make your life so bitter about it.

Original poster
Cuppa12345 · 06/06/2019 08:07

She's been banging on about this wedding for about a year, I was there when she got engaged. I know it's not all about me, but it seems a lot of people agree that that it's rude to have made a big deal about the wedding to me every time we've seen each other recently and then I get a mid week invite. It's not just the Friday to take off. I work in London. I may be able to work in the morning and travel in the afternoon but it's more likely I'll have to take 2 days leave.

It seems like there is a trend of choosing venues you can't afford for the amount of people you'd actually like there because you think the photos will look good.

OP posts:
fairweathercyclist · 06/06/2019 08:07

inevitably they lose sight of the fact that for their guests it is just another event to attend, and not something to put themselves out for

People often say that on here, presumably the incredibly popular people and/or those with large families - so many social events darling and so little time. I've been to very few weddings so I actually do like being invited (or at least used to, less keen now).

LittleLongDog · 06/06/2019 08:08

Also, the fact it’s in West Sussex and you’re in Essex: are they in Essex?

ComeAndDance · 06/06/2019 08:08

For our wedding, we did it the other way around.
‘Day guests’ was everyone (it was a small wedding anyway’ so they all got to be there for the wedding, small ‘meal’ afterwards etc... Some photos.

And then for the evening, we chose something REALLY special to us and only people very close to us were invited.

CitadelsofScience · 06/06/2019 08:09

I'm old and I can't stand all this evening only, pricey hotel stay, pay for your own bridesmaid dress, cash bar nonsense just so you can have your 'dream' wedding.
In my mind you pay for your guests, all food and drink and you pay for all bridesmaid dresses and the men's suit hire if they're in tails.

If you can't afford to do that then you have a registry office wedding followed by a drink in a pub with your closest friends and family, and you pay for it, ALL OF IT.

fairweathercyclist · 06/06/2019 08:09

She may look back in years to come and wish she'd done it different or maybe not

Yes I do (and off topic but I had a choice of two dresses and wish I'd gone for the other one but not enough to make myself miserable about it). Otherwise it was a great day.

Original poster
Cuppa12345 · 06/06/2019 08:09

user1474894224, that's a good way of looking at it, thank you.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/06/2019 08:10

I'd wait for her to ask. -assuming you ever see her again!

ReanimatedSGB · 06/06/2019 08:11

DS and I have been invited to an evening do next weekend. We are delighted. It will be in a field, with live bands and camping, so like a mini festival, with pals. I don't see anything remotely 'offensive' in having a smaller wedding ceremony and then a fucking great party.
But then, unlike a lot of MN, I like parties and staying up late. More than sitting through vows.

PoesyCherish · 06/06/2019 08:12

Of course they've made a big deal of it. To them it's the start of their marriage. They're not selfish to do things how they want. They've invited you, they want you there but that doesn't mean you have to go. I'm sure they won't lose any sleep over you not going. I think your wedding day is one day where you're allowed to be "selfish" and do things exactly how you want. What is selfish is kicking up a childish fuss and saying it's unfair they get to do what they want just because you made different choices.

Fortheloveofscience · 06/06/2019 08:13

I’ve had invitations to 2 evening do’s this year and RSVPed yes to both - one is a friend of my mum’s, the other the son of my old NDN. In these circumstances I’m very happy to drive for an hour or so, stay for a bit and wish them congratulations and then drive home.

But I think inviting ‘actual’ friends to evening do only is a snub unless the ceremony has literally been family only.

PoesyCherish · 06/06/2019 08:14

because you think the photos will look good

Or maybe they would just like to spend the day at that venue? Why do people always assume it's just about the photos? May be some couples would just like to spend a nice day in a nice venue.

PoesyCherish · 06/06/2019 08:16

If you can't afford to do that then you have a registry office wedding followed by a drink in a pub with your closest friends and family, and you pay for it, ALL OF IT.

Gosh you sound like a right barrel of laughs. Glad none of my guests are like you!

CherryPavlova · 06/06/2019 08:16

I completely understand why you wouldn’t chose to travel for a Thursday evening event. I agree a simple correspondence card saying ‘with regret Cuppa is unable to attend’ is the best response- no need for long explanations.

I also agree it shows a lack of forethought and consideration for the guests. That doesn’t sit comfortably with me either. Weddings aren’t about maximum show but are about committing to each other for life before your God (if you have a faith) and your community. It seems at odds to make it difficult for people to attend.