Wedding invite rsvp

[Cuppa12345]

I know IABU but twice in the last few months I've got invites to a wedding miles away, on a Thursday, evening only, no kids. One from my cousin and I don't see her often and there's relationship there outside of usual family gatherings so that's fine. I've declined, saying we can't make it.

A really good mate of mine has been talking about her wedding for a while. I've just got a save the date through, evening do in West Sussex, Thursday, evening only. I know IABU, they can invite who they want, "it's not a summons" but I genuinely wanted to celebrate her wedding but I feel like I've been demoted.

It's unlikely I'll go - 1.5/2 days annual leave, prob hotel, babysitters, travel, all for a few hours.

I want to say - sorry, it's a bit far for an evening do mid week!
Is that massively unreasonable: to be honest about why I'm declining?

Both of these people were invited to my whole wedding 5 years ago. We didn't have evening guests, just invited people we wanted there to see us get married and celebrate after. We spent £3k doing it, and I think these people have prob spent 10 times that to have huge weddings in stately homes but scrimped on numbers and had it midweek so they could afford it.

Again prob being VU, but if you can't afford to invite your friends and family on a Saturday to see you get married, you can't afford that wedding and you need to rethink.

Right, rip me a new one MN!

I think it's ok to invite people but in no way to expect them. A Thursday, an evening and a far away wedding is a bit much though. A weekend is best if inviting evening guests from far or a local wedding on a Thursday evening or most won't come.

A cousin, evening invite is fine for if not close but a very good friend seems odd. Is it small family only in the day? Yes i would be honest, say why.

We had 2 rsvps no which it was good to know why. One had anxiety so i was able to check if we could do anything to help and we swapped her invite for a preferred evening one. The other rsvp via a friend, didn't even text me. Annoyed they weren't invited to the day of our small wedding as i had been to theirs. Despite the fact they'd moved away and i hadn't heard/seen them on 10 years between weddings! It just told me not to bother. I'd invited them out of politeness and old times sake. Ironically they were invited to another friend's day wedding and didn't even rsvp! Just ssid they forgot.

^^this. Evening invites are rude. End of. But I’m Greek where it’s easy to have 400/500 to a sit down all expenses paid & still piss off Auntie Xanthe that her InLaws aren’t invited

My niece got married on a Thursday. Fortunately it fell in the school holidays so Ds and I were fine to go but dh needed 2 days off and Dd had to come back from uni. She did whinge at how many people didn't come.

Never ever been to a wedding with a free bar. Always had to pay for my own drinks.

My venue had a limit of 100 for sit down meal but 200 for an evening do with a buffet.

And yes, sometimes you have have to decide who you want or have to invite to the day. It irritates me that husbands of cousins, I have met twice, got a day invite but I couldn’t fit all my friends in. At least an evening invite was available (we did a fabulous buffet and free beer and wine for evening guests).

Also midweek weddings are crap. Friday or Sunday isn't so bad as you just need one day off but other than that it's unreasonable. We went to a Monday wedding where they couldn't be fucked to have an evening do, it was really shit.

I don’t see anything wrong with Friday weddings and I’ve never been offended at an evening invite but I think evening ones only work if everyone is local. If it involves travelling hours and booking a hotel for the evening only then I wouldn’t be attending.
While I think it’s the couples choice and they can do what they want I do think it’s sad that a venue can become more important than who can attend

Have NC.

I must admit hate the two tier thing also and would rather not be invited.

We went to a wedding recently where the evening guests were kept waiting outside a room for nearly an hour literally watching us eat a meal and speeches etc as it had run late. It was so awkward.

Seriously unless you are having a tiny wedding with just witnesses or a wedding abroad which would limit numbers just invite those who you want to celebrate the whole day with and forget a huge party.

I've just had a mid week evening only invite too.
I was told in January that I wasn't invited to my close relatives wedding at all as they were having a small wedding due to costs. No issue with that at all.

They have now come across a bit of money so are having an evening do, mid week in a tiny village with crap transport links. I don't drive, the close family member I always go with who does drive is invited to the ceremony also so I either go up with them and hang about nearby until the evening or I try and get up there with transport and taxi.
Many of those invited (again family) live 100 plus miles from the venue so will have trains, hotel, a present, something to wear etc etc just for the evening do.

I’ve got the same atm from my cousin. She’s invited me and dh to the evening do, no kids, and the wedding is approx 350 miles away from us. I was really looking forward to going to her wedding, but I just won’t be able to.

I totally agree. I know alot of people these days are so caught up in having the big extravagant day that they sacrifice guest numbers. I never understand it. We had a beautiful wedding and to ensure we could have everyone there we opted for a summer buffet style rather than 3 course sit down meal.
We have some friends who have upset alot of friends by only inviting them to the evening to save numbers. We actually had a save the date for the day but were demoted by the time invitations were sent!
Weddings hey!

Just because you spend 3K does not dictate how much other people spend, just because you didnt have evening invites, again. their choice, their prerogative, their money
if you can't make it, dont but dont compare

I agree. I think so many weddings these days are all show and not enough substance.

I agree with the PP who said that for many couples, this kind of thing is about wanting a posh / impressive venue but not really being able to afford it. My friend got married a few years ago in a stunningly beautiful but very expensive venue about 40 miles away from where we all live. They couldn't afford to have it at a weekend so they chose a Wednesday! Meant taking two days off work. Like your relative op, she invited a few dozen to the daytime, then a further 60 or so just to the evening, and was then offended and upset when people turned down invitations.
Of course it was their choice to have their day how they wanted, but I couldn't help thinking the whole idea was selfish - the idea I took from it was "I want this venue, I can't really afford it but I am going to have it anyway and inconvenience everyone"
I agree with PPs who have said that a cheaper wedding that is more accessible, is a much more considerate way of doing it. I think a wedding is as much about the guests as the couple marrying! But I will likely get flamed for that attitude I'm sure!

Also, why send a save the date for an evening do? I thought you just sent them to the very important guests that would not want to miss your day. This way - telling everyone in advance so they don't miss your wedding - seems so self involved.

OK, well, I'm undecided whether to say why, I still might - but politely. It seems even worse to ask 'is the day just a very small ceremony for family only?' as I'd have thought she'd have said this in the email with the StD in it of that was the reason.

I have a nearly year old and in my 2nd trimester with my second so possibly over invested in this and overthinking it. Like everything.

My DP and I have a rule we stick to, we dont go to weddings if the invite is an evening invite, if we're not close enough to the couple to be invited to the ceremony we dont need to attend at all. Couples can invite anyone, to any part if their wedding and we can decline, no excuses,

I suspect the trend of having weddings in the middle of the week, evening only’ is going to die off because people will just not turn up unless they are really close family (and even then...)

Having said that, if people put having a ‘Grand’ venue over having their close friends present, I think it’s their choice. I think it also says a lot about them.

If your friend asks, I would tell her why btw. Just be careful not to come out as agressive.

I want them to know why though, pinot, as I'm offended. But that's not really fair on them.

"but the photos were beautiful so I guess maybe worth it as they are what you see forever and not how many people go?"

Totally disagree! The memories of a wonderful day with 70 of our friends and family is what I still have 19 years later. I think i’ve looked at the photos about 3 times, and at least twice of those were to show the dc!

Once I was invited to a wedding evening so (my cousin) 300 miles away.

My grandparents (his aunt and uncle) and my mum were also only invited to the evening do.

Travelling 300 miles just didn’t seem worth it so we declined.

It was a shame because my grandparents would have liked to see their nephew get married but that distance for a few hours in the evening didnt feel worth it for them.

I got married 5 minutes from my house and invited a small number of people who we catered for completely. Out of our guests we no longer see 4 of them and 10 were MIL friends who never saw before and haven't seen since. I think that might help explain my comment a bit better! I think celebrating with friends is important but when my friend chose a lovely wedding venue on a difficult day with gorgeous photos I can understand it. I had a cheaper venue but thought of the guests and with almost half the guests now being nothing to do with me it does seem a waste! All our wedding photos have normal houses/hotel/ a road in the background rather than the usual nowadays which seems to be a giant castle/beach! I've never really got the whole far away wedding either BUT our venue is our PIL local so whenever we go for anniversaries ect they make sure they are there so I have just stopped going now! (Reading this I'm a right mope this morning and it's our anniversary! I obviously have wedding day regret and should have eloped!!)

I think sometimes it's OK to be invited as an evening guest only eg for a colleague, or a neighbour you don't know very well. What can hurt is to realise that you're a B list guest, when you thought you were A list

And if you get married mid week, you can't expect so many people to come

Btw I don’t think it’s inconsiderate or being inconvenient to the guests to choose a venue during the week.
After all it’s their choice. And they dint have to organise the whole wedding around the wishes of the guests!

What the bride and groom can’t do is then moan that a lot of people are saying NO to the invitation. Because, as PP said, it’s not a summon, people don't have to say Yes. And they can decide that actually it’s too much hassle.

I didn't even have a photographer. The other thing about weddings I hate is when the bride and groom piss off for 2 hours in the middle of the day for a photo shoot in a field and leave their guests eating canapés. I wanted to be there for my wedding, not jumping up and down on a bridge.

I am a miserable old woman, arent I. Better sort that out.

We decline most invites now. Cba.

This is after a Thursday evening only invite where the bride was rude about our surname.

YANBU

Evening only invites should not require people to travel so far. They should be for neighbours, colleagues and parents friends (as a pp has said) it's very arrogant to expect people to travel all that way, mid week and it's for accommodation etc. Just for a few hours as an afterthought, it's a slap in the face (when she's attended your wedding and been talking to you so much about her own)

I think it's safe to assume she doesn't value your friendship and doesn't really want you to share her day with her. I'd be politely declining the invitation and cooling off the friendship, she's shown her true colours.

I never understand all the drama that surrounds weddings. If you want to go accept the invitation and if you don't for whatever reason just decline. While people want a big celebration there will always be venues and businesses ready to fleece them with excessive charges and the midweek offers are clever marketing. It's natural for the couple to be completely absorbed in their plans and inevitably they lose sight of the fact that for their guests it is just another event to attend, and not something to put themselves out for.