AIBU to expect more? Boyfriend prioritising his social life after I am pregnant

[Meccacos]

I understand that I will get flamed for this, please be kind - I feel bad enough already.

8 months ago I met my boyfriend. He was separated (had been for a year) and had plans to divorce.

We almost broke up a few times due to his mood swings (fine one moment and then crying uncontrollably the next). I put this down to the stress of the divorce and we reconciled.

Fast forward to current date, I have fallen pregnant. This is despite me being on the contraceptive pill.

I am in a very very vulnerable position right now. I had moved in with a family member to pay off medical debt incurred after several surgeries in the private system (many of which were emergency, one of which was elective - but necessary for my health).

After finding out I was pregnant I have stopped taking medication prescribed by neurologist that has the potential to harm the fetus.

After much crying (mostly on his part), he decided that he would support me through this and we would raise the baby together. He said this by saying "don't get your hopes up but I think I want to keep the baby."

However, nothing has changed.

It's been a month and I am sick with severe morning sickness which can go all day and night and pain as a consequence of stopping my medication. Through all of this I have been working and living with my relative. I find it humiliating having pregnancy symptoms in someone else's house and feel utterly alone. I can't tell my relative as they are very religious with strong views on sex before marriage and abortion.

I can't continue living with my family member any more as it is becoming emotionally abusive (issues from years ago have cropped up and I am being treated quite badly). It is coming to the point I need to make a massive change.

I can't afford this pregnancy on my own. I am only receiving a part-time salary despite working full-time hours. I need to find a better paying job and move out; but I can't do that while I am pregnant.

In the last 24 hours I am seriously considering ending the relationship and the pregnancy over things that seem stupid when I type them out and I am hoping for some wise words from mumsnetters so I don't make the wrong decision.

This is what has enraged me.....

My boyfriend works away and returns on weekends. Last weekend he also worked, so I haven't seen him in over a week and a half.

He has now told me the nights I am permitted to sleep over at his house this weekend. I asked about why I wasn't sleeping over Friday night and he responded "as discussed" he told me he "might" see his friend.... which means he is going out drinking all night and I am not invited.

We have a medical appointment on Friday morning and a counselling session on Saturday. We still haven't discussed exactly what is happening, how on earth we will even try and make this work.

It's not just Friday night that has bothered me, he has randomly mentioned that his friend wants to go away on holiday with him - which means he is wanting to as well - he is just introducing the idea to me slowly.

We have not had one weekend away in 8 months. There has always been something in the way - family commitments or his divorce/financial settlement issues or he has been working or I have been recovering from surgery. But there were times we could have but it was never convenient for him.

Immediately prior to the counselling session on Saturday he made plans to be with his sister. We haven't discussed anything, we haven't planned anything and I feel completely disregarded and vulnerable. It has been two weeks between counselling sessions and time to put a plan in place - but nothing. I feel his words are empty.

One minute he tells me he wants the baby, the next minute he cries and says he can't go through with it. So I told him that he can pay for the termination. Suddenly, he's changed his mind. We are back on again. But I am utterly exhausted and angry.

I feel that for the past month I have been supporting him through this and feel emotionally exhausted and drained. I haven't had any support from him. He is on 2 to 3 times my salary I have been paying for all the medical appointments to date and he hasn't offered any money. I brought up the next specialist appointment and that I was concerned with costs and he said it was 'inferred' when he said he would support me that he would help with costs.

I am starting to hate him. I mean really really hate him and don't even want to talk to him right now. I honestly can't see a future with him.

I understand he wants to see his friends, and this is not what this is about. The last weekend he was back he also had a big night with "the boys" and I wasn't invited to sleep over. I thought he wanted space and I understood it.

It is his birthday in about three weeks and he has already told me what he wants. I am livid. He can plan time with his friends, discuss holidays overseas, presents for himself - but he won't tell me in what ways he is prepared to step up. Him scheduling me in like a whore this weekend has really cut me. It isn't about spending time with me, it's about when he wants sex.

My birthday present earlier in the year was a voucher for something I specifically told (in writing) that I didn't want - which was purchased online a day or two before my birthday. He can communicate what present he wants, he can organise his social calendar and I am waiting for whatever crumbs he can give me in respect to his time.

I feel so angry and disregarded. I don't know exactly that to expect, but somehow I want more and I am starting to hate him.

Has anyone been in this situation before? What should I do? How do I handle my feelings?

Honestly, in your situation I would consider ending the pregnancy and the relationship.
You don’t have the emotional or financial support or means to take care of yourself properly, let alone a child.
You will be tied to this man forever and at the end of the day it is always the woman left holding the baby. It will affect every aspect of your life going forward.
You can’t force him to be a good person or treat you and your baby with decency. Realistically you are likely to be raising this child alone.
You’re also unlikely to be able to increase your earning ability whilst pregnant or with a young child.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is the stark truth.

Sending you big hugs xxx

I think you need to have a good think about whether you should be continuing your relationship. He doesn't sound like a supportive partner isn't likely to change once the baby arrives.
You need to think what's best for you at the moment. Whether he's the right man, whether it's the right time. Good luck!

If you really want this baby then you must resign yourself to raising it alone.

Do you want to keep the baby?

To be completely honest, it sounds like the relationship isn't great, you have been together less than a year, you can't afford it on your own, your living situation is unstable, and you are unwell having had to come off the medication you need.

Is it really the right thing for you to continue the pregnancy? It sounds like terrible timing and no easy way to resolve all of the issues.

Also, there is no gentle way of saying this but it does sound like you’re the rebound he’s using to get over his divorce.
There’s a reason why people advise against dating newly split/divorced people. They need time to heal and be ready to commit again. He doesn’t sound like he’s there yet and might not be for some time.

Also no man should make you feel like you’re a whore or there for convenience. You deserve so much better than that

In your situation - i would have to end the pregnancy and the relationship - he will only get worse.

Are you willing to bring this baby up alone? It sounds like a toxic relationship at best, an emotionally abiive one at worst. You are not at his beck and call, you are the mother of his unborn child - imagine of he treats you like this now.... how will he treat you in the future~?

Good luck with whatever you choose OP, and sorry you find yourself in this situation.

If I were you I would end the pregnancy.

In the kindest of ways, I would have an abortion.

He sounds absolutely awful and it doesn’t sound like he would change at all.

This is such a mess OP.

Do you really want to raise a baby in this? Do you really want to raise a baby and show them their father who cant step up? And the rest of your family who have religious views that persecute you in your current situation?

Abortion could be an option.
However, if your stomach flips at the thought of that, you need to make arrangements to raise this baby alone. Because you already are alone.

There is no point relying on someone else who has already shown you his true colours and where his priorities lie.

There will be someone, somewhere whi can help you. A friend, another family member, a charity, something... research as much as you can.

Honestly? Dump him and move on, he sounds like a prick. And i would give serious thought to whether it was the right time for a baby also.

It’s been 8 months and he has no desire to prioritise you even though you’re pregnant.

You’re being to hate him.

You’re completely miserable. If I were in your place I’d start by ending the relationship. It’s going nowhere and you’ll end up ending it anyway. The only reason you’re staying is because of the baby.

In your shoes I would also end the pregnancy but I get it’s easy for me to say

He may or may not want the baby but he doesn't want to be in a relationship you. I'm sorry, I understand it's not what you want to hear at such a difficult time.

Why are you having counselling? If things aren't right after only eight months they never will be.

If you do choose to have an abortion you can do so via the NHS, there's no need to pay. That should be your decision and only yours.

The relationship isn’t going anywhere. You are going to end up as a single mum. But only you can decide if that’s what you want or a termination.

Just wanted to add that a lot of the posts are going to suggest an abortion because that’s what makes the most logical sense. However, if you want to keep the baby don’t let that pressure you.

There doesn't appear to be any positive outcome to continuing this pregnancy or the relationship. He's clearly not recovered from his divorce. You probably wouldn't be together now if it wasn't for the pregnancy.

If you terminate you can work on your finances to gain your independence, go back on your medication and then work on your own happiness.

I'm sorry but you know yourself that this relationship is not going to last,so the question is are you prepared and can you afford to bring up your child alone,bearing in mind that your boyfriend does not sound like the type to hand over money to help raise your child without a fight. I think you know what the answer is, but whatever you decide it won't be easy so I wish you luck OP

Just wanted to add that a lot of the posts are going to suggest an abortion because that’s what makes the most logical sense. However, if you want to keep the baby don’t let that pressure you

It’s not pressure, it’s advice.

OP I was in your position 9 years ago. I kept the baby, I have raised her completely on my own. I love her but if I had my time again I think my decisions would be very different. It sounds awful now she’s here because I adore her and she’s a wonderful child.
However, it has completely ruined my life, my career, my happiness. All the opportunities that were there for me weren’t there again until fairly recently. It took a long long time to get my life back on track.
And that was with amazing support from my family and being in a comfortable position financially, neither of which you currently have.

In respect to the costs for termination, I'm not in the UK - so the costs aren't covered by the NHS. I have insurance and the out of pocket is about $450 - $650.

The counselling was to see a way forward. The counsellor said I needed to give him a cut-off date for him to tell me what he wanted to do (for two weeks he couldn't make up his mind either way). The cut-off date is tomorrow.

This is why I am panicking and with the date being tomorrow and him planning a messy night and then going present shopping the entire morning before the counselling session, he is making it very clear he isn't going to step up.

I appreciate everyone's comments. Thank you for not flaming me.

Luckily work is being very supporting.

Please end the pregnancy and this relationship for your sake. He is not going to change.

@Meccacos good luck whatever you decide. You’ve got some difficult decisions to make xx

Your decision, whatever you decide, should be based on YOU bringing up this child.... He's had ample time to step up and he hasn't. He isn't likely to either IMO so don't depend or rely on him, his input or contribution.

Good luck OP

The counsellor said I needed to give him a cut-off date for him to tell me what he wanted to do (for two weeks he couldn't make up his mind either way). The cut-off date is tomorrow.

With all due respect to your counsellor this is bull.
He's an adult. He can change his mind at any time.

1. He swears up and down that he will stand by you and support you in every way. He can leave. He can never see the child again and if you're lucky you might see some financial contribution

1. He says he wants nothing to do with the child. Then in 8 years time he rocks up and gets visitation.

You need to make plans based on you and you alone.

He's unreliable and on the rebound.

You're pregnant, being emotionally abused, with unstable housing and not enough money.

He is still treating this like 'fun', you can come and stay with him when you're invited, you're not even his top priority. If he saw this as more serious, he'd let you stay at his even if he was out drinking, for example.

You need a plan that doesn't rely on him at all.

I'd struggle with it massively, but in your position, I think I'd get an abortion and leave him. I think the stress would finish me off, and that's without a neurological condition to deal with. That's not to say that you should; but that you need a plan. Can you support yourself and the baby yourself? Do you want to?

Is there anyone you can loan the money from or can you take out a loan/credit card yourself?

I would have an abortion in your situation, 100%. The last thing I would want is to be tied for life to this arsehole. He doesn’t prioritise you because I don’t think he wants to be in a relationship with you, sorry. I think you were a rebound but now it’s suddenly got really serious and he doesn’t know what to do so he’s avoiding you.

I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear but I think it’s the truth. This will only get worse the more pregnant you get and especially when the perspective child arrives. You will grow to hate and resent him, it’s not a healthy situation to bring a child into.

In the last 24 hours I am seriously considering ending the relationship and the pregnancy
Both would probably be wise.