AIBU to expect more? Boyfriend prioritising his social life after I am pregnant

[Meccacos]

I understand that I will get flamed for this, please be kind - I feel bad enough already.

8 months ago I met my boyfriend. He was separated (had been for a year) and had plans to divorce.

We almost broke up a few times due to his mood swings (fine one moment and then crying uncontrollably the next). I put this down to the stress of the divorce and we reconciled.

Fast forward to current date, I have fallen pregnant. This is despite me being on the contraceptive pill.

I am in a very very vulnerable position right now. I had moved in with a family member to pay off medical debt incurred after several surgeries in the private system (many of which were emergency, one of which was elective - but necessary for my health).

After finding out I was pregnant I have stopped taking medication prescribed by neurologist that has the potential to harm the fetus.

After much crying (mostly on his part), he decided that he would support me through this and we would raise the baby together. He said this by saying "don't get your hopes up but I think I want to keep the baby."

However, nothing has changed.

It's been a month and I am sick with severe morning sickness which can go all day and night and pain as a consequence of stopping my medication. Through all of this I have been working and living with my relative. I find it humiliating having pregnancy symptoms in someone else's house and feel utterly alone. I can't tell my relative as they are very religious with strong views on sex before marriage and abortion.

I can't continue living with my family member any more as it is becoming emotionally abusive (issues from years ago have cropped up and I am being treated quite badly). It is coming to the point I need to make a massive change.

I can't afford this pregnancy on my own. I am only receiving a part-time salary despite working full-time hours. I need to find a better paying job and move out; but I can't do that while I am pregnant.

In the last 24 hours I am seriously considering ending the relationship and the pregnancy over things that seem stupid when I type them out and I am hoping for some wise words from mumsnetters so I don't make the wrong decision.

This is what has enraged me.....

My boyfriend works away and returns on weekends. Last weekend he also worked, so I haven't seen him in over a week and a half.

He has now told me the nights I am permitted to sleep over at his house this weekend. I asked about why I wasn't sleeping over Friday night and he responded "as discussed" he told me he "might" see his friend.... which means he is going out drinking all night and I am not invited.

We have a medical appointment on Friday morning and a counselling session on Saturday. We still haven't discussed exactly what is happening, how on earth we will even try and make this work.

It's not just Friday night that has bothered me, he has randomly mentioned that his friend wants to go away on holiday with him - which means he is wanting to as well - he is just introducing the idea to me slowly.

We have not had one weekend away in 8 months. There has always been something in the way - family commitments or his divorce/financial settlement issues or he has been working or I have been recovering from surgery. But there were times we could have but it was never convenient for him.

Immediately prior to the counselling session on Saturday he made plans to be with his sister. We haven't discussed anything, we haven't planned anything and I feel completely disregarded and vulnerable. It has been two weeks between counselling sessions and time to put a plan in place - but nothing. I feel his words are empty.

One minute he tells me he wants the baby, the next minute he cries and says he can't go through with it. So I told him that he can pay for the termination. Suddenly, he's changed his mind. We are back on again. But I am utterly exhausted and angry.

I feel that for the past month I have been supporting him through this and feel emotionally exhausted and drained. I haven't had any support from him. He is on 2 to 3 times my salary I have been paying for all the medical appointments to date and he hasn't offered any money. I brought up the next specialist appointment and that I was concerned with costs and he said it was 'inferred' when he said he would support me that he would help with costs.

I am starting to hate him. I mean really really hate him and don't even want to talk to him right now. I honestly can't see a future with him.

I understand he wants to see his friends, and this is not what this is about. The last weekend he was back he also had a big night with "the boys" and I wasn't invited to sleep over. I thought he wanted space and I understood it.

It is his birthday in about three weeks and he has already told me what he wants. I am livid. He can plan time with his friends, discuss holidays overseas, presents for himself - but he won't tell me in what ways he is prepared to step up. Him scheduling me in like a whore this weekend has really cut me. It isn't about spending time with me, it's about when he wants sex.

My birthday present earlier in the year was a voucher for something I specifically told (in writing) that I didn't want - which was purchased online a day or two before my birthday. He can communicate what present he wants, he can organise his social calendar and I am waiting for whatever crumbs he can give me in respect to his time.

I feel so angry and disregarded. I don't know exactly that to expect, but somehow I want more and I am starting to hate him.

Has anyone been in this situation before? What should I do? How do I handle my feelings?

I think you need to work out if you can afford to raise a baby on your own. He's clearly not going to be any use to you.

Sorry this sounds an awful situation. I would end the relationship and terminate the pregnancy in your shoes, as it sounds very hard to bring up a baby alone in your financial circumstances and location.

I don't want to be insensitive but given your age and that it would be your first baby how would you cope if your child had additional needs and you couldn't go back to work? E.g. autism runs in both sides of me and DH's family, he already had two children with diagnosed ASD, I was in my early 40s therefore we decided against trying.

I think even your best case scenario sounds too much for you considering your circumstances, sorry

Him saying 'don't get your hopes up but I think I want to keep the baby' - was never him saying he wanted a relationship with you

He may well fully intend to be there for the child, however I think the only reason he hasn't fully ended it is because of the pregnancy

You need to decide on what you want to do FOR YOU - regardless of him

Good luck with your decision

I definitely would have preferred not to have conceived in this situation. But I also know that if I terminate this pregnancy I will never have a baby.

I was going to ask how old you are. I would definitely dump him. You hate him already so you cannot continue to have a relationship with him. As for an abortion, I really would struggle to do that. I'm in my 40s and have no children. I went through the "what ifs" if I became pregnant outside of a stable relationship and I'm pretty sure I couldn't have had an abortion. That is an emotional response not a logical one. I don't think either answer is right as such.

So the question then becomes, is there a way for you to do this alone? But don't involve him in the decision. He's an arse.

If you don't think you can do this alone then don't do it.

The cost of the termination will be a millions times less that the cost of raising a child alone.

The counsellor is wrong giving him a date to decide. He can change his mind 10 times in the future for all she knows.

I would 100% end both in this situation OP.

I would 100% end the pregnancy and the relationship.

The relationship is a bad one. The pregnancy is bad for your health and you don’t have anywhere to live and you don’t have any money or any support. It’s going to be hard.

It might be ok to say don't get your hopes up but I think I might want to buy you an ice cream
It is not ok to say don't get your hopes up I think I might want to keep the baby
What the fuck, who does he think he is, what a piece of shit

I’m sorry that you’ve ended up in this situation with someone as awful as him.

The first thing you should do is end the relationship with him and for now, pretend he doesn’t exist. Don’t factor him into your plans or believe you can count on him in any way.

What do you alone want to do about the pregnancy? Do you want to continue alone, or is that not feasible with your circumstances?

Oh my!

What a situation you're in

I don't have children, however when it comes to children - whether it's me or someone else are
Do you want the guy in your life for the rest of your life? (think beyond school age)
How is he likely to support you during the birth?
How is he likely to support you after the birth - vaginal or csection?
When times get rough and you don't know how to cope with your baby/child - will he lift you up, will he battle alongside you?
Will he get up for night feeds when you're exhausted?
Will he help with the housework when you can't manage?
What if you have post-natal depression - how would he support you?
Will he love you with all his heart, and his children even more?
Is he likely to put in that extra time and effort to do something amazing for you/your children?
Will he play, engage and teach your children?
Do you and the guy have the same attitude towards raising children?
When issues occur with your child, will you both talk in through, support each other and make a joint decision?
Do you and the guy have similar/the same family values?
If you and he would break up in the future, what kind of ex-partner/husband would he be?
If you and he would break up in the future, what kind of father would he be?
If you and he would break up in the future, how would he support you and the children, monetary wise and emotional wise?

All these questions and more.... is he the right man to go on this lifetime journey with you?

From reading your post, I think it is clear that you want and need to end the relationship. His behaviour doesn't seem to have changed and doesn't sound like it will. If you feel like you are beginning to hate him, again that's a huge red flag. The relationship will not work. It will only get worse and ultimately it will effect all three of you.
As for ending the pregnancy, that's a more difficult decision. If the law is with you, he will have to support you and baby so you won't be alone financially. But you will have the stresses of separated parenting, which could be even more difficult with your family situation which you have mentioned.
I would definitely end the relationship, but as for ending the pregnancy, that's a much more difficult decision.

Go and see the councillor yourself as arranged. It is unlikely from what you've said that he will turn up, but you will have a real life person to discuss this with. It doesn't seem from what you have said that you feel like the relationship has a future, but you may be able to have some real life support from the councillor to help you assess how you could/could'nt cope as a single parent. Sorry this sounds like such a difficult decision for you.

@Whosorrynow

Thank you!! That is exactly what I thought! When we were out we sat by the beach and stared at the ocean. In one breath he said asked how would I feel going through this and him not marrying me and I said that would be preferable to a termination.

There was a pause and he said "don't get your hopes up - I'm thinking of keeping the baby". I took that as not getting my hopes up.

Later he said he was joking and he did want to keep the baby. How the hell is that a joke?? I was sick at the thought of going through a termination. I was waking up at night with nightmares and sweats and he knew this. I thought he was a piece of shit later when I thought of this. Something that was of great torment that he could tell me was just a joke.

Then later telling me I can't drink and then making all these plans to get shitfaced. It is so disrespectful.

@Moneybegreen

My BF wouldn't make a decision either way. The psychologist said that he needs to tell me what he wants by a certain date (by that date it would have been a full month).

The date was because I had to schedule a termination. So the psychologist was right in saying what she said.

If you decide to carry on with the pregnancy then be sure that your"boyfriend" will be dipping in and out of your life for the next 20 years at the very least. He won't be supporting you and the child financially of course , they never do, but will make your life a misery by making promises to you and the child which he will break, making unreasonable demands for access on his terms and ensuring that future relationships you have are tainted by his presence in your life.

It doesn't sound as though you are in the best of health physically and emotionally, do you honestly think you will be able to cope with working, bringing up a child and dealing with his immaturity and fecklessness?

I think you need to be very honest with yourself. Forget about paying for counselling with this loser. You are throwing money away and wasting emotional energy that you need to use to decide what is best for you . You need to make decisions fast, don't waste time pandering to his manipulative behaviour.

Op I think you need to make the decision about the pregnancy as though the relationship is already over and you can't rely on him for anything because that's not just a possible scenario, it's a likely scenario.

He sounds awful, unreliable, tight and you don't even like him. If him being a supportive and constant partner would be the thing that would make you continue with the pregnancy then forget it - it's just not going to happen.

If you really want this baby and think you can do it alone then by all means, have the baby, but expect nothing from him

I’m sorry to hear you’re 40 so this may be your only shot at a biological child. If you were in a financially stable position it wouldn’t be the end of the world at all but you’re not, not even in the slightest. You don’t have anywhere to live and you can’t afford to give birth. A PP made a great point about the possibility of your perspective child being disabled or having SEN which, given your age, is more likely. You need to return to work ASAP but how would you afford childcare?

It’s just too messy OP, I don’t think it’s a good idea. You need to drop the ‘relationship’ too, you are a rebound to him. I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

His behaviour is horrific. I'm so sorry. Nothing will change when the baby's here. If anything it'll get worse.

So sorry you're going through this. If it were me, I would go ahead with the termination. With your health problems, lack of support, and financial stress it would be so incredibly hard. I know these things are easy to say tho.

Good luck

Ditch the relationship.

I would absolutely consider a termination given the circumstances of being a single parent on a limited income. Not only do you not have secure housing for yourself, that will become more difficult with a child, what with childcare costs coming out of your budget. Does your health insurance cover children, can you afford simple healthcare costs for a child? Only you can answer this though, wishing you the best of luck.

Get rid of that man. You're being thoroughly used and abused.
You clearly want to keep the baby so I think time is of the essence here - so if you do decide on a termination it's because you know it's your best option.
End the relationship - if you can even call it that - and start urgently doing some research to see if there are any means of further support you are not currently aware of if you were to continue the pregnancy.
As it sounds, it would be really tough financially and health wise but you need space to see if you can find a way to manage.
But fgs get rid of that waste of space immediately and make your own decision.
And just be wary that a piece of work like that will try to weaken and control you further if he can, so once you've told him it's over keep very firm boundaries.
Very best of luck to you

You don’t want a relationship with an immature twat like him anyway, surely?

Personally I would have a termination.

What do you want to do?

End the relationship, it's just background noise that you don't need. He has only been in your life for 8 months and he has already shown you that he won't / can't commit. The constant drama is not doing anyone any good.

With regard to the pregnancy, I had my daughter on my own in very very similar circumstances, I finished the relationship as it was very clear it was a non-starter. What helped me the most to make a decision was to get practical. So I worked out if I was entitled to any help, could I get maintenance and would it actually be paid reliably, could I afford the bills and childcare etc.

It was really hard when my child was pre school age, I did (and still do) have a very good career path but at that time, like you, I was on a low wage. Her father paid no maintenance despite an award being made through the court and he disappeared very quickly from our lives. Which was a blessing actually. I lived very frugally for a number of years and I did have quite high debts from pregnancy and moving house costs BUT.... my wage rose as my career progressed, I gradually paid off the debt and now I don't have money worries. In addition, the child care costs reduced as my daughter got older, there was a big drop when she reached school age and it got better from there. She is now just about to leave home, has a really good education and a great attitude to life in general.
The key thing for me was that when I worked it out, I could see that it was a situation that was going to improve financially and emotionally. So essentially, my advice to you would be to weigh it all up, be really practical and look at the long term to see if it is in fact manageable. Best of luck to you whatever you decide. x

The baby is your decision and yours alone.
You cannot rely on him for support. Neither should you because you must rule him out of your life altogether. If you don't he will leave you anyway when it suits him.

I was sick at the thought of going through a termination. I was waking up at night with nightmares and sweats and he knew this

Don't do it then. You don't have to listen to what he says or what mumsnet says.

You can make this work on your own it will just be very very tough. I can't believe how much you have to pay! You poor thing.