AIBU to expect more? Boyfriend prioritising his social life after I am pregnant

[Meccacos]

I understand that I will get flamed for this, please be kind - I feel bad enough already.

8 months ago I met my boyfriend. He was separated (had been for a year) and had plans to divorce.

We almost broke up a few times due to his mood swings (fine one moment and then crying uncontrollably the next). I put this down to the stress of the divorce and we reconciled.

Fast forward to current date, I have fallen pregnant. This is despite me being on the contraceptive pill.

I am in a very very vulnerable position right now. I had moved in with a family member to pay off medical debt incurred after several surgeries in the private system (many of which were emergency, one of which was elective - but necessary for my health).

After finding out I was pregnant I have stopped taking medication prescribed by neurologist that has the potential to harm the fetus.

After much crying (mostly on his part), he decided that he would support me through this and we would raise the baby together. He said this by saying "don't get your hopes up but I think I want to keep the baby."

However, nothing has changed.

It's been a month and I am sick with severe morning sickness which can go all day and night and pain as a consequence of stopping my medication. Through all of this I have been working and living with my relative. I find it humiliating having pregnancy symptoms in someone else's house and feel utterly alone. I can't tell my relative as they are very religious with strong views on sex before marriage and abortion.

I can't continue living with my family member any more as it is becoming emotionally abusive (issues from years ago have cropped up and I am being treated quite badly). It is coming to the point I need to make a massive change.

I can't afford this pregnancy on my own. I am only receiving a part-time salary despite working full-time hours. I need to find a better paying job and move out; but I can't do that while I am pregnant.

In the last 24 hours I am seriously considering ending the relationship and the pregnancy over things that seem stupid when I type them out and I am hoping for some wise words from mumsnetters so I don't make the wrong decision.

This is what has enraged me.....

My boyfriend works away and returns on weekends. Last weekend he also worked, so I haven't seen him in over a week and a half.

He has now told me the nights I am permitted to sleep over at his house this weekend. I asked about why I wasn't sleeping over Friday night and he responded "as discussed" he told me he "might" see his friend.... which means he is going out drinking all night and I am not invited.

We have a medical appointment on Friday morning and a counselling session on Saturday. We still haven't discussed exactly what is happening, how on earth we will even try and make this work.

It's not just Friday night that has bothered me, he has randomly mentioned that his friend wants to go away on holiday with him - which means he is wanting to as well - he is just introducing the idea to me slowly.

We have not had one weekend away in 8 months. There has always been something in the way - family commitments or his divorce/financial settlement issues or he has been working or I have been recovering from surgery. But there were times we could have but it was never convenient for him.

Immediately prior to the counselling session on Saturday he made plans to be with his sister. We haven't discussed anything, we haven't planned anything and I feel completely disregarded and vulnerable. It has been two weeks between counselling sessions and time to put a plan in place - but nothing. I feel his words are empty.

One minute he tells me he wants the baby, the next minute he cries and says he can't go through with it. So I told him that he can pay for the termination. Suddenly, he's changed his mind. We are back on again. But I am utterly exhausted and angry.

I feel that for the past month I have been supporting him through this and feel emotionally exhausted and drained. I haven't had any support from him. He is on 2 to 3 times my salary I have been paying for all the medical appointments to date and he hasn't offered any money. I brought up the next specialist appointment and that I was concerned with costs and he said it was 'inferred' when he said he would support me that he would help with costs.

I am starting to hate him. I mean really really hate him and don't even want to talk to him right now. I honestly can't see a future with him.

I understand he wants to see his friends, and this is not what this is about. The last weekend he was back he also had a big night with "the boys" and I wasn't invited to sleep over. I thought he wanted space and I understood it.

It is his birthday in about three weeks and he has already told me what he wants. I am livid. He can plan time with his friends, discuss holidays overseas, presents for himself - but he won't tell me in what ways he is prepared to step up. Him scheduling me in like a whore this weekend has really cut me. It isn't about spending time with me, it's about when he wants sex.

My birthday present earlier in the year was a voucher for something I specifically told (in writing) that I didn't want - which was purchased online a day or two before my birthday. He can communicate what present he wants, he can organise his social calendar and I am waiting for whatever crumbs he can give me in respect to his time.

I feel so angry and disregarded. I don't know exactly that to expect, but somehow I want more and I am starting to hate him.

Has anyone been in this situation before? What should I do? How do I handle my feelings?

Exactly exactly exactly what kedgeree just said

I'm glad you are having the baby and considering what will be in its best interests.
But after carrying it for nine months and giving birth it's entirely possible that you can't then bear to give it up. So you must be prepared to be a single mother if the relationship with the BF doesn't work out.

@Kedgeree

You’re right. I can’t keep the baby if I’m by myself. I’m living at a relatives house, I’m not working full-time, I have medical issues which are expensive to treat.

I have been deluding myself.

I made an appointment to get a termination. If I wait any longer I’ll have to get it done in hospital.

Perhaps it was blackmail and I was hoping he would want to keep it when it was born. But I woke up this morning in so much pain. I can’t imagine waking up like that every day for the next 7 months.

I'm so sorry for your situation. You need to be fully prepared to raise this child alone. If that's what you can do. I wish you the best

People have babies all the time in worse situations. You can sort it all out eventually if it's what you feel you want. Honestly.

Think you're making a sound choice in terminating.

Please tell the bf to get lost as he's a waste of space.

As hard as it is, I think you’re making the right decision by having a termination. And please do break up with the boyfriend as he’s a dick.

So sorry OP you're having a dreadful time

OP, I am so impressed that you are looking at your situation with such a clarity. I don't know if I could maintain such a clear head.

It sounds like you're aware yours partner will likely not be involved with the child, so you need to figure out if you can go it alone.

Are you in the US? If so, would your state garnish your partner's wages to pay child support? And could you switch to Medicaid? The earning threshold is lower for pregnant women and I'm sure you wouldn't pay $11k out of pocket. It shouldn't be affected by your pre-existing neurological conditions either.

If you're not in the US, is there any other government support available?

It does sound like you would prefer to continue with the pregnancy if possible. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.

I’m in Australia. I have private health insurance. I currently work part-time.

The federal govt pays about 13 weeks maternity pay at the federal minimum wage and the Child Support Agency garnishes wages. It’s not at all what I want. The stress of having to do this alone is overwhelming.

I have an appointment this morning, it was to terminate the pregnancy. Now it’s going to schedule scans. My boyfriend has now said he will help. Although, we broke up over the weekend after I screamed at him about how incredibly selfish he was being to not make a decision and to communicate that decision to me. I think he was hoping that I would abort and then he wouldn’t have the guilt. I told him if he wasn’t going to step up then I would terminate the pregnancy and the relationship was over.

He wanted the relationship and not the pregnancy. I said I wouldn’t be with someone who couldn’t step up when things got hard. There’s no point to a relationship in those circumstances.

He admitted he wasn’t over his divorce. I told him I was fairly certain his ex wife has moved on.

It was brutal.

Oh love. You are still going around in circles. You obviously at some level want to keep this baby. But think about why? Is it to blackmail him into a relationship? He’s told you CLEARLY what he wants and where he is. If you really desperately want to be a mum you are, at some stage, going to have to put this baby’s interests above your love life. This baby/foetus is currently being used as a pawn in a complicated love story and if this is what you want- a baby, then this has got to stop.
It doesn’t matter where his ex wife is. HE hasn’t moved on. He doesn’t want this baby. He isn’t that committed to you. He has said this so so so many times in so many ways. He also doesn’t want the baby.
I don’t know what else you want him to say to make it clear that the choices are no baby and no man and baby and no man.
We have offered you lots of support but we can only do so much virtually. You need some counselling to sort out your feelings about this baby. NOT the man. Because the man has made it clear he isn’t into you.

He’s not over his last relationship and you are basically counselling over that, anyone who’s still crying over their past relationship needs to be alone a while, I would finish with him and leave him to it.

@PotolBabu it isn’t to blackmail him into a relationship. He wants the relationship, he freaked out about the pregnancy. He didn’t want anything to change.

Immediately prior to my getting pregnant he told me that he wanted a family and a future with me and was very clucky.

I did not plan this.

I was on powerful epilepsy medication and my neurologist thought I had MS. I was sick when I conceived and obviously the pill failed. It was only very recently (since becoming pregnant) that I have found out I don’t have MS and the reason for my neurological symptoms. Prior to that I had resigned myself to thinking I would never have a child. So this news was huge and it felt almost like a gift. I didn’t think I would have the chance to have a child.

He told me he wanted it, then he told me he was scared, then he wanted to breakup (until he saw me again). Then he didn’t. In the meantime he told his sister we were keeping it.

I don’t want to kill my baby because things are hard. I also don’t think things are that hard.

You’re right - I’m still going around in circles. But I couldn’t live with myself if I had an abortion. I don’t think I would get through it.

But, but, but.... You didn't have a relationship before. You had been shagging a bloke for a few months who treated you like crap and saddened and confused you. It was not a partnership in any sense. I get that you want the baby, I really do, but you only want him so you can keep the baby. I'm sorry op, but you need to find some dignity, forcing a relationship just so you can keep the baby is not healthy.

@Mac47 ....we were in a relationship. We’ve been together over 8 months. We’ve met each other’s family, we spend time with his friends. He works away and I see him every weekend.

We don’t live together - I live with a relative closer to work. I see him when he is back.

.....no, he doesn’t have a secret family.

I want the baby, I want him.

If I don’t have him down the track, that would be devastating - but it would be worse to lose a child because he was freaking out.

I don’t think he knows what he wants.

But the thought of terminating the pregnancy was one of the worst things I’ve ever gone through.

He has always maintained that he thought abortion was wrong. We do love you each other.

I think he’s scared. I am too.

Hi OP he’s continuing to play you - he will change his mind again. I’m wondering if it’s another woman he’s with too.
You will be left with this baby by yourself. Your need to get prepared for this and see this as your life.
You are clearly vulnerable.

Termination is not wrong it can be right in many cases. You can choose to be traumatised fore er in a dramatic fashion or you can choose to accept it was a sensible option given the circumstances. Currently you're choosing the former.
If you choose to have the baby you won't get support from this man. He'll continue drifting in and out of your life for a while. The arguments, breaking up, making up, tempestuous relationship will continue and then ultimately fizzle out once you both get bored of that. You barely know him, he only recently got divorced and he has no interest in having a child. Off all the men in world to have a family with, this is the one you choose? 🤔

Have a termination, get back on your medication, and dump the boyfriend.

This is such a mess! I am so sorry for you because this is a horrendous situation, but it’s exasperating to read because you are absolutely using this poor baby as some sort of life raft for your “relationship”. As a PP said, your talk of adoption sounds like blackmail. You don’t have the means to care for this baby and you don’t sound convinced you even want to unless the father is on board. If you want the baby then the baby itself needs to be the priority, not the scum bag dad. And that is simply not
The case in your posts.

He's a high earner with no existing kids to support and you're having to stress about managing financially - why?

Is there no system in Oz for child maintenance?!

At 40 with no kids, a health condition, not wanting an abortion, getting later and later ..I'd have the baby and nail him to the wall for maintenance.

Are you British originally incidentally, could you come back to the UK?

His behaviour, even in the circumstances, is utterly shitty.

He's already been married and his wife found him such an asshole she decided she couldn't have kids with him and divorced .. he's not changed. And he's probably going to be no different in future. So I'd not worry about a relationship with him, sounds like it wouldn't work out no matter what the circumstances.

However I don't see why you shouldn't go ahead and get everything you can financially off him.

Unless you think he'll do a runner and make it next to impossible for you to get the money for your child.

I don’t think he knows what he wants.

He does. He's told you. He's not over his divorce. He was happy with your relationship as it was - casual, nothing serious, a distraction from coping with the divorce. I know that hurts, but it's true.

Now you are pregnant; against the odds, you don't want to abort and you're asking him to make decisions that he can't make because he doesn't want any of this. He's telling you that. He's told you that he's not over his ex wife. He can't see anything other than that he wishes this was not happening and he could step back to this being free and easy, no baby, no pressure, no real future as far as he was concerned.

He thought he'd get through this by not telling you he wanted to keep the baby. You were sure you couldn't do it without him. He stayed quiet, despite seeing your distress. He made his call then, the cowardly way; but he's done everything the cowardly way.

You're in a hell of a situation. It sounds like this was always more to you than to him, and now you feel you're losing him and a baby, and so you're stuck in a loop. Him wishing this wasn't happening, and you wishing he'd step up. Neither of you are making any progress.

You clearly very much want this baby. That is the only part of this that you have any control over. He will not be around, as soon as he stops being such a coward, he's gone. So how do you do this without him?