AIBU to expect more? Boyfriend prioritising his social life after I am pregnant

[Meccacos]

I understand that I will get flamed for this, please be kind - I feel bad enough already.

8 months ago I met my boyfriend. He was separated (had been for a year) and had plans to divorce.

We almost broke up a few times due to his mood swings (fine one moment and then crying uncontrollably the next). I put this down to the stress of the divorce and we reconciled.

Fast forward to current date, I have fallen pregnant. This is despite me being on the contraceptive pill.

I am in a very very vulnerable position right now. I had moved in with a family member to pay off medical debt incurred after several surgeries in the private system (many of which were emergency, one of which was elective - but necessary for my health).

After finding out I was pregnant I have stopped taking medication prescribed by neurologist that has the potential to harm the fetus.

After much crying (mostly on his part), he decided that he would support me through this and we would raise the baby together. He said this by saying "don't get your hopes up but I think I want to keep the baby."

However, nothing has changed.

It's been a month and I am sick with severe morning sickness which can go all day and night and pain as a consequence of stopping my medication. Through all of this I have been working and living with my relative. I find it humiliating having pregnancy symptoms in someone else's house and feel utterly alone. I can't tell my relative as they are very religious with strong views on sex before marriage and abortion.

I can't continue living with my family member any more as it is becoming emotionally abusive (issues from years ago have cropped up and I am being treated quite badly). It is coming to the point I need to make a massive change.

I can't afford this pregnancy on my own. I am only receiving a part-time salary despite working full-time hours. I need to find a better paying job and move out; but I can't do that while I am pregnant.

In the last 24 hours I am seriously considering ending the relationship and the pregnancy over things that seem stupid when I type them out and I am hoping for some wise words from mumsnetters so I don't make the wrong decision.

This is what has enraged me.....

My boyfriend works away and returns on weekends. Last weekend he also worked, so I haven't seen him in over a week and a half.

He has now told me the nights I am permitted to sleep over at his house this weekend. I asked about why I wasn't sleeping over Friday night and he responded "as discussed" he told me he "might" see his friend.... which means he is going out drinking all night and I am not invited.

We have a medical appointment on Friday morning and a counselling session on Saturday. We still haven't discussed exactly what is happening, how on earth we will even try and make this work.

It's not just Friday night that has bothered me, he has randomly mentioned that his friend wants to go away on holiday with him - which means he is wanting to as well - he is just introducing the idea to me slowly.

We have not had one weekend away in 8 months. There has always been something in the way - family commitments or his divorce/financial settlement issues or he has been working or I have been recovering from surgery. But there were times we could have but it was never convenient for him.

Immediately prior to the counselling session on Saturday he made plans to be with his sister. We haven't discussed anything, we haven't planned anything and I feel completely disregarded and vulnerable. It has been two weeks between counselling sessions and time to put a plan in place - but nothing. I feel his words are empty.

One minute he tells me he wants the baby, the next minute he cries and says he can't go through with it. So I told him that he can pay for the termination. Suddenly, he's changed his mind. We are back on again. But I am utterly exhausted and angry.

I feel that for the past month I have been supporting him through this and feel emotionally exhausted and drained. I haven't had any support from him. He is on 2 to 3 times my salary I have been paying for all the medical appointments to date and he hasn't offered any money. I brought up the next specialist appointment and that I was concerned with costs and he said it was 'inferred' when he said he would support me that he would help with costs.

I am starting to hate him. I mean really really hate him and don't even want to talk to him right now. I honestly can't see a future with him.

I understand he wants to see his friends, and this is not what this is about. The last weekend he was back he also had a big night with "the boys" and I wasn't invited to sleep over. I thought he wanted space and I understood it.

It is his birthday in about three weeks and he has already told me what he wants. I am livid. He can plan time with his friends, discuss holidays overseas, presents for himself - but he won't tell me in what ways he is prepared to step up. Him scheduling me in like a whore this weekend has really cut me. It isn't about spending time with me, it's about when he wants sex.

My birthday present earlier in the year was a voucher for something I specifically told (in writing) that I didn't want - which was purchased online a day or two before my birthday. He can communicate what present he wants, he can organise his social calendar and I am waiting for whatever crumbs he can give me in respect to his time.

I feel so angry and disregarded. I don't know exactly that to expect, but somehow I want more and I am starting to hate him.

Has anyone been in this situation before? What should I do? How do I handle my feelings?

OP if you’re reading this I implore you to read all of the responses so carefully. I don’t think you are using the baby as a ploy to keep your boyfriend but it’s clear that in your secret heart you believe he will come around. This will not happen.. I am sure the posts on this thread come from a wide range of women with widely varying ages/backgrounds/beliefs/life experience. There is an enormous amount of wisdom to draw from. And we are all telling you the same thing about this man.

I don’t disapprove of your staying with him for now to guarantee a roof over your head and medical bills paid. But you need to understand that keeping this baby means you will be a single mother, utterly and completely. It doesn’t mean you can’t be a wonderful parent and do right by your child. But you need to know what you are getting into.

There’s no harm in keeping adoption in your head. In the next 7 months you will do a lot of soul-searching, and you can never predict how it will feel to hold your baby. In the meantime you must get ready to raise the baby alone. Find a flat for the two of you for you, figure out your financial entitlements, and make a plan for handling work and childcare.

The good news is that it’s a myth that stress is harmful for a pregnancy. Only extreme duress, such as living in a war zone in constant fear for your life, has the potential to be harmful. Relationship issues can be so hard and your hormones will be everywhere but your baby will be fine.

I probably just wrote this whole thing for no reason but I suspect you are reading even if not responding. If this is even legit I am amazed at your ability to turn back the aging clock by two years.

Best of luck.

The relationship sounds terrible. I'd end it and don't look back. I would also end the pregnancy as it sounds like you're not in a position to raise a child on your own.

Such a tough situation OP. I feel for you.

Over a decade ago I found out I was pregnant. I'd been with my then boyfriend for nearly a year. There were some other things going on that made it complicated but my reason for mentioning it is simple:
He was instantly so unbelievably terrible at communicating what he wanted, being supportive or just generally acting like a grown up. He "suggested" I stay with family for a while then refused to take my calls, effectively kicking me out. He tried to blame me but essentially he was a selfish coward.

It felt really painful at the time but we split and I had a termination. As soon as I got over my immediate anger with him for being so fecking useless, my only feeling was total relief that he had showed his true colours so clearly. I never felt sad about the loss of the relationship because he proved to be such a loser. And sad as a termination is, I am to this day relieved that i do not have his child.

He's useless. You deserve better. Count your lucky stars that he's shown you what he's made of (not much) now and you've not wasted years of your life.

Do whatever is right for you and be strong.

@crispysausagerolls

I haven’t left the building - I have been busy with work.

I’m 38 years old - I probably rounded to 40 years old because I initially didn’t want to reveal too much.

I don’t understand why you are being so aggressive in your replies.

I appreciate your comments but they started to get quite nasty after a while.

Where I live, $80k a year salary is insufficient to live well. I can’t afford rent, utilities, petrol food and to keep up with my insurance and general medical expenses.

So whilst I acknowledge that $80k might seem like a lot of money, in Australia it’s not. I need a salary of at least $90k to be reasonably comfortable and ideally over $100k so that I can build up my savings again.

@DoctorDread

In Australia you can do post grad if you’ve industry experience in the field to which the post grad degree would relate. In my case I have 13 years experience in a particular field. Over 3 years ago I was accepted to a post grad degree based on my resume and letters of reference. This was a proper university - not a fake university where everything is online.

In my case I chose to progress in my career without the piece of paper and now I’ve found that I’m stuck.

I didn’t lie about the degree. I have a career, just no piece of paper. I know others in my field who are in the same position; others have either commerce or law degrees.

I didn’t lie, but I feel I have to keep explaining myself and people keep suspecting this is a fake post. I assure you, it is not.

Fair enough OP. It just seems strange to call it a post grad degree if you have t graduated from an undergraduate degree and it struck me as odd. Thanks for the explanation

It's perfectly feasible in the UK to do a post grad even if you haven't got a degree. I know a number of people who have a postgraduate qualification but no degree.

@IndistinctRadioChatter

Thank you ☺️

I did read and I did listen to what you told me.

My friends have said something similar - do what you need to do for your baby and have an exit plan. It is difficult proceeding with this pregnancy knowing that he isn’t 100% committed. But the thing is, he works away. I would only see him on weekends. I can establish a bond with my baby, not worry about how the bills will be paid and make a plan for my future.

I think it is practical advice like that that I needed.

I doubt that one day he will step up and I am growing resentful of his inability to man up in a difficult situation. But if this is my only chance of having a child, I need to take it.

I have the first scan this weekend and I think that he won’t be coming to it we he’s just announced he is sick.

I am getting resentful at him wanting to still holiday with his mates and going out drinking whilst he makes comments that I can’t drink while I am pregnant and orders alcohol in front of me. I don’t think that is supportive, I also think that it is cruel to tell me not to drink whilst he still hasn’t made up his mind in respect to having the baby (I have no intention of drinking during pregnancy).

Maybe the next 7 months will be easier to get through if I approach it as just biding my time until I can afford to leave?

@DoctorDread

I thought so too. My sister told me I could do it and I didn’t believe her until I applied and was approved.

I thought I could follow through with this while I am on maternity leave. I can complete the coursework whilst maintaining contact with the office and won’t even have to show a gap in my employment history - which means when I finish maternity leave I’ll have a qualification and can get paid more money.

@Psynonym

Thank you for sharing that story.

I have wanted this baby since I found out.

It’s not just any baby I want - it’s this specific one.

I’m already living with family, which can’t go on much longer as I’m starting to show.

It seems cruel that I’ve had to make sacrifices already and he has done absolutely nothing. He has the capacity to help out financially, but he hasn’t even said “I can’t do this with you - but I will support the child financially if you choose to keep it”.

I’m concerned that I’m going to have this scan and confirm the due date and it being healthy, then I’m going to have the harmony blood test and by the time I’ve found out the baby is going to be healthy he still won’t have handed me a key and the pregnancy will be very very obvious.

Well that sounds like a positive plan OP - and something proactive that you can do to change the status quo! I've been in my current career for 8 years and I couldn't even get into the 2nd year of an undergraduate degree let alone a postgrad so if it's something you want to do and you can manage it, then go for it.

If I were to look back on my last few years and tell someone else to do what I've done, I'd have thought it was impossible. Only you know your fully lived life op and it's difficult to include every nuance in posts. You sound so despairing and emotionally beaten up but if you think you can handle it and get through it then you must do what you feel is right for you. Just don't lose yourself in the process.

I’m sorry - you did not leave the building and my comment was therefore not appropriate. Also think your explanations for everything are very reasonable. Please forgive me; it happens so often that people (me) get invested in threads only for them to have been trolls. Happened with an affair thread 2 days ago.

I’m already living with family, which can’t go on much longer as I’m starting to show

Why can’t you live with them pregnant?! Would they not approve?

I recommend the harmony test btw, we had it.

@crispysausagerolls

That’s ok.

My relatives are catholic with strong views on sex before marriage and abortion. The abortion legislation in some American States right now has led to some fiery conversations. I am opposed to abortion - however, I believe that it should be available as it is a medical procedure and is necessary to the health of the mother.

The specialist I saw told me I could have an abortion on the grounds of my health condition, but in the same conversation she said that there is nothing to suggest that the baby wouldn’t be healthy and that we can wait until the 13 week scan. She also said I can go to the hospital and two doctor would likely approve the termination so that it could go ahead.

I’m struggling with this decision, I feel so alone and I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m holding up hope that my boyfriend will step up. But I doubt very much he will and I think my posts are an attempt to create an alternate reality where he can step up.

Clearly, I’m deluding myself. I’ve gone through every option. I can’t even tell my family because I am wanting this to be a decision he makes. But he’s not stepping up. I found out about the pregnancy on 13 May and it’s now 13 June.

I guess I’ve been trying to hold on. I didn’t want to lose the baby, but I think I’m going to and that is absolutely devastating. Worse than the idea of losing him.

Why are you going to lose the baby?

Why does he have to make this decision?

Also MOST partners of pregnant women drink. Frankly you are focusing on the least offensive thing he has done.

I am finding it hard to believe that people with 13 years’ experience and an 80K salary in Australia are unable to have a child if they want to. As I said isn’t child maintenance deducted from his salary so he has no choice but to support the child?

You outline this scenario where when you finish mat leave you can earn more. Then in the next para you say you are going to lose the baby and have gone through every scenario. I genuinely don’t understand this.

If you want this baby and if by your calculations you can have it, then have it. Your Catholic family and idiot boyfriend only figure temporarily in this.

If you demand a £90K salary for your living then you need to move.
There are loads of places in Australia with a much lower COL

I assume you are living in Sydney if your good part time wage plus family tax benefit and child maintenance would be insufficient.

1. Have you worked out a budget for rent, utilities, transport etc to see what your shortfall actually is?
2. Is there work in your industry in a cheaper area?
3. Is paying your debts back more slowly an option, and if so how much extra cash would you have each fortnight?
4. Can you take on additional days in your current job so you can save more before the birth?

Forget about private obstetric care and use the public system. You can still pay for a Harmony test if you wish.

@tomatosalt

I did my budget over the weekend and worked out what I could afford (and what I couldn’t). Obviously, private medical was the first to go 😳

Everything else was doable - difficult but doable.

I would need to get a bunch of stuff second hand but I can do it.

That’s great @Meccacos. It sounds like you have more options than you realised. If the relationship works out (even in the short term when you need financial support the most) that’s great. If it doesn’t, you can survive. Either way you can keep your baby if you decide that’s what you want to do.

@Meccacos: how did your scan go this weekend?(I think it was this weekend??) . Did he show up?

Follow up to original post

@Jokie @tomatosalt @Contraceptionismyfriend @crispysausagerolls @IndistinctRadioChatter @Psynonym @Xmasbaby11

I am the OP in this thread and was unable to access my profile for some reason. I am updating this thread because @Jokie asked about the scan.

Things were very very difficult in the beginning. I had taken myself off the painkillers I was taking that caused birth defects within less than a week of finding out I was pregnant. So I had been having withdrawals, insufficient pain management and morning sickness.

The stress of the situation (and still living with family) really compounded things. The specialist I saw at a private hospital finally gave me an answer to why I had the pain in the first place and told me that she believes I stopped the pain medication in time to have a healthy baby. However, she told me that given the level of my pain that I could terminate the pregnancy and that would be an acceptable medical decision based on my health.

When I left her office, she didn't charge me. I walked outside and cried.

Break up at relationship counselling session

Prior to the scan (and just after I posted the original thread) I broke up with him in a counselling session.

He told the counsellor everything was fine, I told the counsellor that I had scheduled an appointment with my GP to arrange a termination (this was the truth, not a strategy). I explained that he still hadn't told me what he wanted (I mentioned some things in this thread) and said that I couldn't continue with the relationship or the pregnancy.

The counsellor said that those two don't necessarily have to go together. I explained they do because I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't step up when things got difficult, but also I wasn't well enough to continue this pregnancy by myself. The counsellor explained him not making a decision is still a decision. The counsellor panicked a bit. I asked him straight out and he said he didn't want the baby. I immediately accepted that. We left the building and both broke down out the front.

I then did something pathetic… I begged him not to leave us. That I didn't want the termination. That I could still bring the baby to term and adopt it out if we couldn’t provide a stable life for him together. I asked that he wait to find out that the baby was healthy before we made any decisions.

He then followed me to a separate pregnancy counselling appointment with a charity.

I asked him why he was doing that; why he was making it to appointment he didn’t even need to go to and he said he what the right thing to do was.

I think the pregnancy counselling was the best thing I did. He joined the session after I spoke to the counsellor privately. The counsellor was very young but kind to both of us. She really listened to him and to me.

The scan

It was just the dating scan and was basically not much to see... however, something clicked that weekend. He admitted that things changed for him after he saw the first scan. He also had a really bad flu so I suspect he was febrile. [I didn’t get sick, I kept a distance – washed my hands and had had paid for a private flu vaccination earlier rather than wait for the free pregnancy vaccination.]

I didn't put any pressure on him. I didn't ask him to commit. Other things happened that weekend, but I knew I wanted him and I wanted the baby. I was also extremely cautious after everything that people wrote on this thread – I did read them all.

Current date

Fast forward to the current date.... I have had another scan and the harmony test and everything is fine.

Me and my cat have moved in with him.

We know the sex of the baby and he is really attached and looking forward to the baby.

He is exceptionally clucky and loves having my cat around (despite the damage the cat is doing around the house).

He has dropped hints about marriage. I am not putting any pressure on him. I just want our baby to be looked after.

I am still sick (separate to the pregnancy which I won’t go into). But after I left the drama of my family situation I have felt a whole lot better emotionally. I don’t think I would have been able to do this without him.

This house doesn’t feel like my home, and it feels awkward being here without him. But I feel safe with him and I love him.

Whilst this pregnancy wasn’t planned and I am still coming to terms with it, I am so very very glad that I didn’t terminate the pregnancy.

Medical expenses – public v private

Many people on here mentioned that I would be seeing the midwife for appointments and that I should simply go into the public system to save money.

My boyfriend (now partner?) spoke with his friends and family and the consensus was that the standard of care in the private system is better.

He said he will pay for all medical expenses. This is a massive relief given what happens in the public hospital system in my State.

I have seen the private obstetrician. I have not seen a midwife once. There is not even any suggestion that would ever happen. Until I saw the obstetrician I was under the care of my GP and consulted with a specialist. I have also seen a specialist radiographer and conferred with another doctor at the scan appointment. There simply aren’t midwives running around doing all the work that doctors do. My obstetrician has scan equipment in her office, but still sent me externally for a scan with a radiographer. All my other appointments are with the obstetrician. Perhaps this would be different if I was in the public system, but I just wanted to clear this up.

I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on this thread. Especially those of you who told me that they had been through something similar and didn't regret keeping the baby.

I know that given my age this will be possibly the only change I will get to have a child. And whilst this was so early into the relationship, I didn't want to terminate the baby without us both considering the impact to both our lives.

For anyone reading this now, I am 22 weeks pregnant.