AIBU to expect more? Boyfriend prioritising his social life after I am pregnant

[Meccacos]

I understand that I will get flamed for this, please be kind - I feel bad enough already.

8 months ago I met my boyfriend. He was separated (had been for a year) and had plans to divorce.

We almost broke up a few times due to his mood swings (fine one moment and then crying uncontrollably the next). I put this down to the stress of the divorce and we reconciled.

Fast forward to current date, I have fallen pregnant. This is despite me being on the contraceptive pill.

I am in a very very vulnerable position right now. I had moved in with a family member to pay off medical debt incurred after several surgeries in the private system (many of which were emergency, one of which was elective - but necessary for my health).

After finding out I was pregnant I have stopped taking medication prescribed by neurologist that has the potential to harm the fetus.

After much crying (mostly on his part), he decided that he would support me through this and we would raise the baby together. He said this by saying "don't get your hopes up but I think I want to keep the baby."

However, nothing has changed.

It's been a month and I am sick with severe morning sickness which can go all day and night and pain as a consequence of stopping my medication. Through all of this I have been working and living with my relative. I find it humiliating having pregnancy symptoms in someone else's house and feel utterly alone. I can't tell my relative as they are very religious with strong views on sex before marriage and abortion.

I can't continue living with my family member any more as it is becoming emotionally abusive (issues from years ago have cropped up and I am being treated quite badly). It is coming to the point I need to make a massive change.

I can't afford this pregnancy on my own. I am only receiving a part-time salary despite working full-time hours. I need to find a better paying job and move out; but I can't do that while I am pregnant.

In the last 24 hours I am seriously considering ending the relationship and the pregnancy over things that seem stupid when I type them out and I am hoping for some wise words from mumsnetters so I don't make the wrong decision.

This is what has enraged me.....

My boyfriend works away and returns on weekends. Last weekend he also worked, so I haven't seen him in over a week and a half.

He has now told me the nights I am permitted to sleep over at his house this weekend. I asked about why I wasn't sleeping over Friday night and he responded "as discussed" he told me he "might" see his friend.... which means he is going out drinking all night and I am not invited.

We have a medical appointment on Friday morning and a counselling session on Saturday. We still haven't discussed exactly what is happening, how on earth we will even try and make this work.

It's not just Friday night that has bothered me, he has randomly mentioned that his friend wants to go away on holiday with him - which means he is wanting to as well - he is just introducing the idea to me slowly.

We have not had one weekend away in 8 months. There has always been something in the way - family commitments or his divorce/financial settlement issues or he has been working or I have been recovering from surgery. But there were times we could have but it was never convenient for him.

Immediately prior to the counselling session on Saturday he made plans to be with his sister. We haven't discussed anything, we haven't planned anything and I feel completely disregarded and vulnerable. It has been two weeks between counselling sessions and time to put a plan in place - but nothing. I feel his words are empty.

One minute he tells me he wants the baby, the next minute he cries and says he can't go through with it. So I told him that he can pay for the termination. Suddenly, he's changed his mind. We are back on again. But I am utterly exhausted and angry.

I feel that for the past month I have been supporting him through this and feel emotionally exhausted and drained. I haven't had any support from him. He is on 2 to 3 times my salary I have been paying for all the medical appointments to date and he hasn't offered any money. I brought up the next specialist appointment and that I was concerned with costs and he said it was 'inferred' when he said he would support me that he would help with costs.

I am starting to hate him. I mean really really hate him and don't even want to talk to him right now. I honestly can't see a future with him.

I understand he wants to see his friends, and this is not what this is about. The last weekend he was back he also had a big night with "the boys" and I wasn't invited to sleep over. I thought he wanted space and I understood it.

It is his birthday in about three weeks and he has already told me what he wants. I am livid. He can plan time with his friends, discuss holidays overseas, presents for himself - but he won't tell me in what ways he is prepared to step up. Him scheduling me in like a whore this weekend has really cut me. It isn't about spending time with me, it's about when he wants sex.

My birthday present earlier in the year was a voucher for something I specifically told (in writing) that I didn't want - which was purchased online a day or two before my birthday. He can communicate what present he wants, he can organise his social calendar and I am waiting for whatever crumbs he can give me in respect to his time.

I feel so angry and disregarded. I don't know exactly that to expect, but somehow I want more and I am starting to hate him.

Has anyone been in this situation before? What should I do? How do I handle my feelings?

Saying its a joke is a way of insulting you, because what he's saying is that issues which are vitally important to you are trivial things to be joked about, the implication is that you do not matter you are not important you are trivial

there are lots of other things that you can do to be parental or maternal or nurturing, to make a positive contribution to the next generation
I know it doesn't replace having your own child but your first duty is towards yourself and your own well-being and if you are not strong enough to be a parent right now it wouldn't be fair to both of you, to you and to your potential child, to proceed

YABU

Your question is AYBU to expect more?

Basically, yes. He's shown time snd time again that he won't be supporting you, so you may as well abandon any expectation that he will. By dumping him. He only seems to bring negatives to the table.

Whatever you decide about the baby, you can’t stay being emotionally abused by him and your relative. If you’re going to be a single parent, which you will be sooner or later, start now. Get your mental health on track. Get used to it rather than waiting until the birth and then being alone. If you can’t get it together to be alone and single while pregnant, then I feel that a termination wouldn’t be the best thing for you. That’s the measure of it. Can you walk away from him and your relative right now and move into your own place and support yourself and your pregnancy etc? If you can’t, then you can’t raise a child alone. This man is a completely emotionally abusive scumbag. For your sanity you need to go, no matter what you decide about the baby.

My approach here would be to try and think as long term as I could, about what I wanted for ME, and MY LIFE, forever, within the parameters of what i honestly thought I could cope with.

Forget about him and 'what he wants' completely. He isn't at all important: he will not be in your life in a decade even if you have the baby (perhaps especially if you have the baby) and what he says he wants is also utterly unimportant because he sounds too stupid and immature to be thinking long term anyway. What 'he wants' will probably coincide with whatever makes it easie rto get to next week's party if you see what I mean. So forget him.

You are right, if you are 40 this could be your one chance to have a baby, perhaps especially with your medical conditions and the cost of healthcare. So think about that first - that's the biggest thing. The baby will be a huge cost and effort now but in 10 years you will have your son or daughter with you still, possibly living happily just the two of you - him long forgotten. What do you really want? If you think you want a baby then go ahead. Really. You will make it work.

Secondly how tough are you, mentally? Because the immediate partial solution to the first year of baby hell and lack of money would be to move in with him, even if you know that things won't work for long. Tell him you're sure you can sort something about bills and then just don't, and tell him he's got it cheaper right now as you and the baby won't cost as much extra in bills as it will be if you moved out and split and he was paying child support. That could see you through for a while. But only if you are a tough cookie. It wouldn't last long. He's a little shit and he's not interested in stepping up. The other solution is to move to anywhere you have support -parents? at least for the first year or so.

What an awful situation to be in OP.

If I were you I think I would get rid of the boyfriend. Probably also have a termination.

The first is an easy decision to make. He is not enhancing your life at all; he's making it very very difficult and complicated.

Re the pregnancy - consider yourself a single parent for the next 20 + years. Can you cope with that? Will your career allow for those early days, can you cope financially? If the answer is no then seriously consider termination. It's a very difficult decision to make. I was in a similar situation many years ago. I had a termination as didn't have a reliable job, income, stable home - but now that I am older and a parent of a young adult I don't regret that decision. I still believe I made the right choice.

It is your choice.

I hope you soon feel clearer about what you must do. Put yourself first in this instance - it's the only way.

[flower]

You say you can't go ahead with this pregnancy on your own and you are on your own here. In fact you are more on your own than if he didn't exist.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

Honestly, there is no relationship here. Just a massive bell-end messing you around and treating you like sh*t. His actions have so many red flags I wouldn't know where to begin. Just awful all round.

So - if I were you I would end this non-relationship; and separately decide whether I want to have this child and raise him/her on my own, and probably shared custody with this twat.

I hope you find a way forward, I really feel for you, you deserve a partner who treats you well.

Get him to pay for the abortion. It's the least this arsehole can do.

It doesn’t matter what he says at counseling, he has shown you that he will not be a partner in raising a child. If you were going to be able to count on him for decades, there would not be a delay for that starting.

If you proceed, you have to be prepared to be on your own financially, emotionally, and practically.

Im going to play devils advocate here to look at it from his side and why this isn't going to work.

He is newly separated. Was enjoying a "fun" time with you on the rebound. He wants to be free. Lads holidays. Getting smashed etc

Then you get pregnant, unexpected and unplanned after a very short time together. His words and actions say he DOES NOT want to be with you in a relationship. He's just escaped one. If I was him Id feel exactly the same !

This is for you to decide on your own. Sadly it looks like a very very hard road to go down with the finances, medical bills etc if you decide on having the baby.

Id with regret have a termination and move on. This has no fairytale ending

Best wishes for your choice

“ If I proceed with the termination the relationship will be over.” This struck me. Because this should not be the reason not to terminate - to keep (a chance of) the relationship. It may sound harsh but there doesn’t seem to be a true relationship or any prospect of one, other than being tied to him through a child if you continue with the pregnancy. I truly don’t understand that HE was given a deadline to decide whether to keep the baby or not. That is your call and yours alone. What if he says ‘keep’ tomorrow to the therapist and you miss your chance and in two months time he changes his mind wishing you had aborted? Or the other way around? Had he been supportive from the start and wanted to make it work he would already have stepped up - of his own accord. YOU need to make this decision, and in this case you must do so assuming that there will not be a relationship in either case. Think of yourself, and your mental health. Think of what you can or cannot offer a child. Do not let him influence your decision, as he has shown you his true colours loud and clear.

His attitude to you is nearly summed up in his attitude to Birthday presents.
Your birthday - he deliberately bought you something he knew you didn’t want, at the last minute. Not sure of the relative cost of it and something you would like.

For his birthday he has said what he wants a long time in advance, I’m betting it will be expensive and more than he spent on you.

What would he do if you repaid the favour by giving him the gift he gave to you (was it something he likes?). Or if you gave him something different? And if it was cheaper given your current precarious financial situation?

I suspect he will keep you hanging on so he gets the present from you...

And then he will go his own merry way, using you when convenient.

Whatever decision you make, whatever course of action gets taken, whether he has input into it or not - at some point soon he will turn around and declare that you made the wrong decision. Either that you have trapped him or denied him his chance of parenthood. You’re in a lose-lose scenario - whatever you do will be twisted to his advantage and make you the one that did wrong.

So go with what you want in your heart of hearts - and what is practically feasible for you on your own.

End the pregnancy. He's still married to some else and you barely know eachother. Sort out your medical issues and work on yourself. Have a baby in future when you are well, adequately housed and in a committed relationship. Double up on contraception.
Good luck

He asked if I would move in, I said yes. It was "when will you have to go by?" and I have told him I am already putting on weight and it is going to start to become noticeable. I've only put on less than half a kilogram, but everything is tight across the abdomen.

Nothing further has happened. We haven't talked about it further and I think this is too little too late. He's still waiting to hear back from his friend to see if Friday night is still on. The fact that he brought this up really confirmed that his priorities are to his social calendar, not to me.

I can't continue living where I am and I am under extreme pressure to make a decision. He is more concerned with his social calendar. He even said that yesterday was his day (it was his last day at a department at his work - he hasn't left the company he is transferring to elsewhere). I said every day for the past four weeks has been your day.

I guess I was hoping for a grand gesture on his part. But there is just empty words and every time I have told him how I feel he kicks off and plays the victim.

I have now told him that I am not sleeping over this weekend, that I am not telling him that I love him any more and that we are breaking up and I don't want to even look at him.

He told me everything was in my mind and I have told him not to gaslight me.

I have told him that I will be having the termination and he will pay for it.

I am so emotionally and physically exhausted. I just feel broken inside.

He hasn't stepped up and I am just so disappointed and sad.

Someone on here mentioned to see it from his perspective - that he wants to have freedom before settling down. And I get it. I just feel he used me to get through the trauma of his divorce and I just feel so empty.

I have an appointment with the physician in the morning. I will ask for a referral for the termination then.

I was in a similar position, the father of my child acting like the one who needed the support and me, pregnant and vulnerable for a variety of reasons was the ‘bad guy’ for getting pregnant and putting him in that position. We are no longer together and DS is currently sleeping on me on the sofa! I’d leave him, he sounds manipulative but I’d consider whether you want to keep your baby, DS is the best thing in my life and I couldn’t imagine living with terminating early on!

I’m so sorry you’re having such a difficult time

I am sorry OP.

Look, it was never really a relationship. You are lucky in many ways that you've seen what a loser he is now. It's really hard but you will absolutely be ok, this is a small segment of your life and you will go forward and be happy.

I hope that what I am going to say now doesn't offend or upset, I apologise in advance. If you are 100% sure that termination is the right decision long term FOR YOU (nothing to do with him, the relationship, he is NOT important) then fine. But make sure you think it through, the long term stuff, carefully and properly. You're 40, you raised it yourself in an earlier post that you know if you terminate now you'll never have a baby. That's huge, it dwarfs every other aspect of this. There is no absolute right or wrong answer but just be sure you can look back and say I didn't act in haste or grief or anger thanks to him and the stupid situation he created. Because that you will regret. Not necessarily the termination, but the what ifs of doing it as a response to the current situation.

In only say this as I had an acquaintance who regrets a similar decision. Life is full of what ifs and the one thing you CAN do is to make sure you can look back and say 'No, I really did think that through at the time, at the time it was the right decision.'

Good luck.

I think you are still in the relationship fog. You keep going back for more, he keeps rejecting you, and you keep going back. It’s like a cycle of addiction. The baby decision really really needs to be made irrespective of this man. You are trying to use this baby to make him commit to you. You need to separate the two decision making processes. Are you hoping that if you tell him you are having a termination he will make this ‘grand gesture?’

I'm sorry, @Meccacos. It was clear how much you wanted this baby.

It's also clear that he's got you well and truly under his spell, and he has no intention of properly committing to you. He seems to have contemplated the baby, but nowhere has he shown any sign of caring for you, not even as a close friend.

He will forever see his responsibilities to you as things to avoid, to fight. He's not going to support you, or share with you, or be part of a team. He's out for himself.

It's too late for grand gestures. He's not 16; he knows what he's giving up, he knows what he should be doing. He doesn't want to. He's made it very clear that he will only have you move in under duress, that you'll need to pay your way; that he won't support you.

Will you have access to counselling after the termination?

Please cut him off. Don't let him wheedle anymore of your head space.

I wouldn’t have a baby just for the sake of having one. I completely understand the strong desire to have a child but you shouldn’t continue with this pregnancy purely because it may be your last shot at a biological child. You will be tied to that man for the rest of your life if you carry on. Not just 18 years either, there will be aspects of the child’s life that will always involve both parents (graduation, marriage, children of their own etc).

Too many women seemingly have a baby for the sake of having a baby with little consideration for who the Father actually is. You can’t just block his number and never speak to him again if a child is involved.

A relationship is off the cards, you need to accept that now. He used you as a rebound, he’s not interested in a serious relationship. So going forward from here it’s whether you can deal with the prospect of being a single Mother and possibly having him dipping in and out of your life for the next two decades. If that’s something you want then go ahead. You need to consider that reality above all else because he isn’t serious about you, sorry.

I'm so sorry OP. It's a really difficult situation, but it sounds like you are choosing the right thing given the circumstances.

I do hope that you can find someone to confide in to help you cope with the emotional stress. Big hugs to you. You are so better off without him.

Thank you everyone for your comments.

I do want this baby, but I’m homeless and only working part-time with a medical condition. If I was self-sufficient and working full-time (even with the health issues), it would be doable. But all three mean it is impossible.

I’ve stopped telling him to step up. I need to stop feeling sad and angry because it just hurts me. He’s going out with his friends. He won’t talk to me. He won’t admit we are breaking up over this.

I’m wondering if I can have the baby and adopt it out?
Anything so I don’t have to go through an abortion. The baby will be adorable and as long as it has parents who can love and provide for it, then it will be fine.

He’s going out with his friends. He won’t talk to me. He won’t admit we are breaking up over this.

Surely that shows how little he thinks of you? He ignores and tramples over your opinions and thoughts.

You could talk to someone about adoption. Either a pregnancy counsellor, or social services. They'd be able to walk you through the process. It's a phenomenal thing to do but I can't imagine it'd be easy, especially for a baby that you very much want.

I am so sorry that you're in this position

How long have you got until the 'cut off' date for the termination? Are there any local organisations/charities that can give you advice on your entitlements if you were to have the baby alone?

Definitely sack him off, but you sound like this decision about the termination might not sit so well with you.