AIBU to expect more? Boyfriend prioritising his social life after I am pregnant

[Meccacos]

I understand that I will get flamed for this, please be kind - I feel bad enough already.

8 months ago I met my boyfriend. He was separated (had been for a year) and had plans to divorce.

We almost broke up a few times due to his mood swings (fine one moment and then crying uncontrollably the next). I put this down to the stress of the divorce and we reconciled.

Fast forward to current date, I have fallen pregnant. This is despite me being on the contraceptive pill.

I am in a very very vulnerable position right now. I had moved in with a family member to pay off medical debt incurred after several surgeries in the private system (many of which were emergency, one of which was elective - but necessary for my health).

After finding out I was pregnant I have stopped taking medication prescribed by neurologist that has the potential to harm the fetus.

After much crying (mostly on his part), he decided that he would support me through this and we would raise the baby together. He said this by saying "don't get your hopes up but I think I want to keep the baby."

However, nothing has changed.

It's been a month and I am sick with severe morning sickness which can go all day and night and pain as a consequence of stopping my medication. Through all of this I have been working and living with my relative. I find it humiliating having pregnancy symptoms in someone else's house and feel utterly alone. I can't tell my relative as they are very religious with strong views on sex before marriage and abortion.

I can't continue living with my family member any more as it is becoming emotionally abusive (issues from years ago have cropped up and I am being treated quite badly). It is coming to the point I need to make a massive change.

I can't afford this pregnancy on my own. I am only receiving a part-time salary despite working full-time hours. I need to find a better paying job and move out; but I can't do that while I am pregnant.

In the last 24 hours I am seriously considering ending the relationship and the pregnancy over things that seem stupid when I type them out and I am hoping for some wise words from mumsnetters so I don't make the wrong decision.

This is what has enraged me.....

My boyfriend works away and returns on weekends. Last weekend he also worked, so I haven't seen him in over a week and a half.

He has now told me the nights I am permitted to sleep over at his house this weekend. I asked about why I wasn't sleeping over Friday night and he responded "as discussed" he told me he "might" see his friend.... which means he is going out drinking all night and I am not invited.

We have a medical appointment on Friday morning and a counselling session on Saturday. We still haven't discussed exactly what is happening, how on earth we will even try and make this work.

It's not just Friday night that has bothered me, he has randomly mentioned that his friend wants to go away on holiday with him - which means he is wanting to as well - he is just introducing the idea to me slowly.

We have not had one weekend away in 8 months. There has always been something in the way - family commitments or his divorce/financial settlement issues or he has been working or I have been recovering from surgery. But there were times we could have but it was never convenient for him.

Immediately prior to the counselling session on Saturday he made plans to be with his sister. We haven't discussed anything, we haven't planned anything and I feel completely disregarded and vulnerable. It has been two weeks between counselling sessions and time to put a plan in place - but nothing. I feel his words are empty.

One minute he tells me he wants the baby, the next minute he cries and says he can't go through with it. So I told him that he can pay for the termination. Suddenly, he's changed his mind. We are back on again. But I am utterly exhausted and angry.

I feel that for the past month I have been supporting him through this and feel emotionally exhausted and drained. I haven't had any support from him. He is on 2 to 3 times my salary I have been paying for all the medical appointments to date and he hasn't offered any money. I brought up the next specialist appointment and that I was concerned with costs and he said it was 'inferred' when he said he would support me that he would help with costs.

I am starting to hate him. I mean really really hate him and don't even want to talk to him right now. I honestly can't see a future with him.

I understand he wants to see his friends, and this is not what this is about. The last weekend he was back he also had a big night with "the boys" and I wasn't invited to sleep over. I thought he wanted space and I understood it.

It is his birthday in about three weeks and he has already told me what he wants. I am livid. He can plan time with his friends, discuss holidays overseas, presents for himself - but he won't tell me in what ways he is prepared to step up. Him scheduling me in like a whore this weekend has really cut me. It isn't about spending time with me, it's about when he wants sex.

My birthday present earlier in the year was a voucher for something I specifically told (in writing) that I didn't want - which was purchased online a day or two before my birthday. He can communicate what present he wants, he can organise his social calendar and I am waiting for whatever crumbs he can give me in respect to his time.

I feel so angry and disregarded. I don't know exactly that to expect, but somehow I want more and I am starting to hate him.

Has anyone been in this situation before? What should I do? How do I handle my feelings?

You need to decide if you want to raise the baby alone because that is the most likely outcome. If the answer is no, you need to either terminate the pregnancy or look into adoption. Alas I don't see silver linings, he's on the rebound

OP, what do YOU want to do? A lot of PPs (and I, too) would definitely have a termination of pregnancy and end the relationship in your circumstances.
The alternatives are struggling financially as a single parent for 18 years, trying to find and afford childcare while you work, or getting trapped in a relationship with an immature and selfish man who doesn’t appear to love you or prioritise you in any way whatsoever.
How emotionally invested are you in the pregnancy? Are you keen to have the baby despite everything, or would you prefer that you hadn’t conceived in your current situation? How keen are you to continue your relationship with this emotionally abusive partner?
I think you need to discuss options with a neutral counsellor, as soon as possible.

In the last 24 hours I am seriously considering ending the relationship and the pregnancy over things that seem stupid when I type them out

Lack of commitment and support aren't little things even if the evidenced that's the case is small things.

I think the relationship is looking very very rocky and if you go forward with pg I think you have to do so on assumption you'll end up fairly quickly a line parent and proceed with that in mind.

lone parent - not a line parent.

@Babdoc

I am emotionally invested in the pregnancy, for the past four weeks I was hopeful we could make it work. But his behaviour in the last two weeks has indicated that it would be impossible. I am 40 years old, I have a career but am just in a really bad situation right now and am struggling.

I definitely would have preferred not to have conceived in this situation. But I also know that if I terminate this pregnancy I will never have a baby.

I am not keen to continue the relationship in these circumstances. I was shocked when he mentioned the holiday with his friend and when I asked him he said he hadn't really thought about it and was only thinking about me. But he isn't thinking of me when he is planning another messy night, or when he has made plans immediately before the counselling appointment to be with his sister, rather than with me.

He hasn't been thinking about me. He has been thinking about himself.

When I told him what my concerns were (money) he told me they weren't his concerns (he has plenty). But I find him very cheap. Even when it was my birthday I was buying drinks for both of us. He didn't offer to go to the bar once.

The time limit was because of the clock for the termination. It has to be performed by a certain date.

Your boyfriend has already showed you very clearly that he is an unreliable waste of space
If you continue with the pregnancy you should do it in the knowledge that he, at best, will be neither use nor ornament to you and probably will be a huge burden to in addition to everything else.
I think your counsellor it is giving him far too much rope, he has already hung himself

OP what insurance do you have?
How much will pre natal care cost you?

I believe I read once that the father is actually liable for half of those costs but don't bank on it.

You could claim child support upon the birth of the child. I believe the system is better than the UKs but how good is it really?

I would end the relationship with him. He’s obviously not in a place where he wants to commit and he’s very clearly shown that through his actions; they speak much louder than words.

In terms of the pregnancy, what to do is your decision and your decision only. But I would make the decision with the knowledge that you will be bringing up the baby alone. I wouldn’t factor this man-child into any decision making as he is clearly unreliable and it does sound like he has probably gone into a relationship so soon after his separation because he wants the guarantee of sex rather than because he was ready for a committed, supportive partnership.

Oh dear OP, I'm so sorry. I do agree with other PPs who believe that you are better off walking away from this, and terminating the pregnancy. This isn't the kind of man you want to have any connection with beyond today quite frankly.

End the relationship, that is a given.

As for the pregnancy, if you can think of a way, any way, that you can afford to continue then it sounds like that is your preferred option, but honestly it doesn't sound very straightforward.

I'm so sorry, It all sounds a bit of a mess

The relarionship isn't going to last. You need to accept this. It shouldn't be this hard eight months in.

The baby needs to be dealt with realistically. Can you cope as a single parent? Because it's going to get tougher. If the answer is no, you do need to go for a termination. Hanging on and hoping rhe relarionship will suddenly come good is pointless.

@Contraceptionismyfriend

I have top insurance coverage. But there is a gap. It will cost about $11,000 for the actual birth.

Specialist care in the leadup could be manageable. But I already have outstanding medical bills and cannot afford any more.

I have only a small credit card debt. I can move into a small apartment. I would have to return to work as soon as I am healed from having the child.

There are child support laws here. But it will be very very expensive supporting a child, balancing a career, dealing with my illness and doing everything alone.

It was doable if I had support and my BF mentioned me moving in with him. But in the same breath as mentioning me moving in brought up "bills" (how I would pay my way). I told him I would be without an income after the child is born and couldn't pay my way or the child's way. Since then it hasn't been mentioned again.

I'm sorry but he is showing you that he doesn't care and is unreliable.
If you have this baby it will be on your own, whatever he may say.

If money would be so tight you had to return to work immediately how would you pay for childcare?

I'm sorry OP but there doesn't sound like there's any real work around here.

So the problems are much bigger than his social life:
— he is emotionally unstable, not committed and doesn’t seem to frankly care for you. What are his good points??

• you are in a precarious financial and housing situation. Where will you deliver the baby and how much will that cost over and above insurance? Do you have maternity leave? Paid? How will you pay for childcare? How much state support is there?

Are you invested in the baby because it is a way to bond with your boyfriend or because it may be your last chance to have one? Some of the holiday stuff, and the Friday night stuff is all minor detail in the bigger picture that you seem to be missing.

You need to figure out if you can manage it solo. Can you afford a child on your own. Can you cope with the bills and raising the child as a single parent? Because he won’t stick around. He’s showing you what he is now - believe him.

Ok. So you will be left with massive medical debt and having to return to work immediately. How would you fund childcare if your boyfriend vanished?

I think, again, you are getting caught up in the boyfriend tangle a bit too much. He’s unreliable. He’s unsure if he wants the baby. He’s not financially reliable. So you are going to have to do this fully alone. Can you?

I'm really sorry, but I'd use the credit card to end the pregnancy and get rid of this man.

I am 40 years old, I have a career but am just in a really bad situation right now and am struggling.

Sadly I think you have to look at the sums for being a lone parent and think very realistically how it could all work how likely and quickly would things get better for you - then decide if you want to do that.

It really doesn't sound like he's going to be there in any meaningful way.

I can empathise that this is your only chance to have a biological child- but it sounds like it is going to have a profound negative effect on your quality of life.
I think you have invested your emotions in an imagined reality that will never be.
If you are struggling for money now, you will struggle even more. It’s going to be hard, hard work, and raising children can sometimes seem lacking in reward.

I’ll probably get flamed for this comment - if you end the pregnancy you can always be a mother by other means. This is not the be all and end all. If you are more settled in 5 years time you can adopt a child and have the satisfaction that instead of bringing more people into the world you looked after one already here.

@PotolBabu

In respect to his good points I am struggling to now find any. The things I saw as good points before mean nothing now.

I don't know where I will deliver the baby, I don't know where I will be living in the next few weeks. If I proceed with the termination the relationship will be over.

I don't know how I will pay for childcare - it is difficult finding suitable child care where I live. I would get the federal minimum wage for about 14 or 16 weeks. Which would be enough time to heal before going back to work.

I thought the holiday stuff and the planning stuff with friends made it clear that he didn't see a future with me.

I can't do it alone and he knows this.

If you continue with the pregnancy he will use your increasing vulnerability to be more and more abusive and controlling towards you
As you become weaker he will lean in and dominate you more and more

Sympathies, OP. End the relationship and then, with that out of the way, think about whether you want to continue with the pregnancy and raise your child as a single parent. Bear in mind you don't need to be in a relationship with this waster for him to contribute to your child's expenses as he/she grows.

But in the circumstances, I think that seriously considering ending the pregnancy is also something to think over. Very best wishes either way.

Think about what YOU want to do.
You are ultimately not going to be able to rely on this utter flaky man-child.

Do you want the baby, and can you manage on your own? I get that, at your age, and with your illness, you have a big decision to make, but I think all of your scenarios should factor in that he won’t be around. If you then get any financial support from him, then that would be an added bonus.

But honestly, in your position, I’d be getting shot of him ASAP, and making a decision on continuing the pregnancy.
Take care of yourself. It sounds a shitty situation.

When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them.

It seems to me that, through his actions, he has been crystal clear about who he is: an arsehole who will cause you more trouble than he is worth and who cannot be relied upon to provide any level of contribution (financial, emotional, practical) to raising this baby.

If you go on, you go on alone. He is not going to help. He has 'told' you this; believe him.