AIBU to expect more? Boyfriend prioritising his social life after I am pregnant

[Meccacos]

I understand that I will get flamed for this, please be kind - I feel bad enough already.

8 months ago I met my boyfriend. He was separated (had been for a year) and had plans to divorce.

We almost broke up a few times due to his mood swings (fine one moment and then crying uncontrollably the next). I put this down to the stress of the divorce and we reconciled.

Fast forward to current date, I have fallen pregnant. This is despite me being on the contraceptive pill.

I am in a very very vulnerable position right now. I had moved in with a family member to pay off medical debt incurred after several surgeries in the private system (many of which were emergency, one of which was elective - but necessary for my health).

After finding out I was pregnant I have stopped taking medication prescribed by neurologist that has the potential to harm the fetus.

After much crying (mostly on his part), he decided that he would support me through this and we would raise the baby together. He said this by saying "don't get your hopes up but I think I want to keep the baby."

However, nothing has changed.

It's been a month and I am sick with severe morning sickness which can go all day and night and pain as a consequence of stopping my medication. Through all of this I have been working and living with my relative. I find it humiliating having pregnancy symptoms in someone else's house and feel utterly alone. I can't tell my relative as they are very religious with strong views on sex before marriage and abortion.

I can't continue living with my family member any more as it is becoming emotionally abusive (issues from years ago have cropped up and I am being treated quite badly). It is coming to the point I need to make a massive change.

I can't afford this pregnancy on my own. I am only receiving a part-time salary despite working full-time hours. I need to find a better paying job and move out; but I can't do that while I am pregnant.

In the last 24 hours I am seriously considering ending the relationship and the pregnancy over things that seem stupid when I type them out and I am hoping for some wise words from mumsnetters so I don't make the wrong decision.

This is what has enraged me.....

My boyfriend works away and returns on weekends. Last weekend he also worked, so I haven't seen him in over a week and a half.

He has now told me the nights I am permitted to sleep over at his house this weekend. I asked about why I wasn't sleeping over Friday night and he responded "as discussed" he told me he "might" see his friend.... which means he is going out drinking all night and I am not invited.

We have a medical appointment on Friday morning and a counselling session on Saturday. We still haven't discussed exactly what is happening, how on earth we will even try and make this work.

It's not just Friday night that has bothered me, he has randomly mentioned that his friend wants to go away on holiday with him - which means he is wanting to as well - he is just introducing the idea to me slowly.

We have not had one weekend away in 8 months. There has always been something in the way - family commitments or his divorce/financial settlement issues or he has been working or I have been recovering from surgery. But there were times we could have but it was never convenient for him.

Immediately prior to the counselling session on Saturday he made plans to be with his sister. We haven't discussed anything, we haven't planned anything and I feel completely disregarded and vulnerable. It has been two weeks between counselling sessions and time to put a plan in place - but nothing. I feel his words are empty.

One minute he tells me he wants the baby, the next minute he cries and says he can't go through with it. So I told him that he can pay for the termination. Suddenly, he's changed his mind. We are back on again. But I am utterly exhausted and angry.

I feel that for the past month I have been supporting him through this and feel emotionally exhausted and drained. I haven't had any support from him. He is on 2 to 3 times my salary I have been paying for all the medical appointments to date and he hasn't offered any money. I brought up the next specialist appointment and that I was concerned with costs and he said it was 'inferred' when he said he would support me that he would help with costs.

I am starting to hate him. I mean really really hate him and don't even want to talk to him right now. I honestly can't see a future with him.

I understand he wants to see his friends, and this is not what this is about. The last weekend he was back he also had a big night with "the boys" and I wasn't invited to sleep over. I thought he wanted space and I understood it.

It is his birthday in about three weeks and he has already told me what he wants. I am livid. He can plan time with his friends, discuss holidays overseas, presents for himself - but he won't tell me in what ways he is prepared to step up. Him scheduling me in like a whore this weekend has really cut me. It isn't about spending time with me, it's about when he wants sex.

My birthday present earlier in the year was a voucher for something I specifically told (in writing) that I didn't want - which was purchased online a day or two before my birthday. He can communicate what present he wants, he can organise his social calendar and I am waiting for whatever crumbs he can give me in respect to his time.

I feel so angry and disregarded. I don't know exactly that to expect, but somehow I want more and I am starting to hate him.

Has anyone been in this situation before? What should I do? How do I handle my feelings?

Please focus on your own well being Meccanos you are the most important person here and he deserves no consideration from you whatso ever.
Sending you strength at this very difficult time

Have you seen evidence the divorce is happening as if his away all week are you sure his not home with wife and saying his on weekend business trips on the weekends he sees you. Plus the trip with his mate could be a family getaway. I would suggest being fully aware if you keep this baby your raising it alone unless things change. Be sure to contact cms as soon as baby arrives

Yes, I am sure you could have the baby adopted.

Again, that is a very very hard decision to make.

I think the next step, as suggested above, is to make an urgent appointment with your midwife and ask to talk to a counsellor/advisor, or social services.

I would think that adoption versus keeping the baby is an impossible decision to make, but perhaps adoption versus termination when you really do not want to have one is maybe slightly easier.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this xx

Physically, abortion, especially in the first trimester, is a simple procedure. Emotionally it may be another matter for you.

Would the father allow the child to be placed for adoption? Social services would likely first look for the child to remain with a parent. Is that something you would want to do? It’s also physically and emotionally demanding. You need to think seriously about what you really want to do now, and the likely outcomes.

@Submariner

I have a week left to have the termination. However, I’ve looked online and was finding that a lot of the counselling was for “abortion grief” and that just made me cry (probably the hormones). And I read that people can need this sort of counselling immediately after and sometimes years after to cope with the trauma.

I found a place in my city that provides free pregnancy counselling and included options such as adoption and I thought - this might be my only chance to be a birth mother, but not only that but to give someone else the chance to be a mother.

And I thought the kindest thing would be to give this child an opportunity of a life and to give another couple an opportunity for a family. I’ve been so careful with my medications and even drinking caffeine. I’ve stopped drinking at all (this wasn’t hard - I don’t drink much anyway).

There has to always be the option to do the right thing. This baby will be loved and will be cared for, even if it’s not by me.

I bawled when I properly considered this; I’m still crying now. But it seems like the right thing to do and the only action I can consider wherein I can live with myself after.

I don’t feel like everything is closing in on me.

I understand why this wouldn’t be an option for everyone and after this experience, even though I have made this decision, I very much believe in a woman’s right to choose her own medical care.

Thank you so much everyone. I read and considered everything you said and I thought, he could step up - he knows what he should do, but he doesn’t have to. And him not stepping up doesn’t mean I get to carry on like a martyr. So I choose not to be angry and bitter and resentful.

I have the opportunity to do something really good and I feel like this is the right thing. And that makes me really happy to just have an option to move forward with.

Sorry but i think you're kidding yourself that if you keep the baby you'll have it adop I think you've decided not to terminate the pg and are hoping to make it work with the deadbeat boyfriend. But if that's what works for you, you have to do what you need to do.

@WestBerlin I considered that. I also have a background in family law; so I will do what is necessary to ensure this happens.

I considered the possibility of the child being shuffled around and him not signing the papers.

But my boyfriend has told me that mentally he can’t do this (raise a child). His failure to step up now has been a pretty clear indication. I know that mentally he just wants to spend money, travel and hang out with his friends. He told me even if he stuck by me I would be doing it alone.

His ex-wife told had told him that he would make a terrible father and she refused to have a baby with him and wouldn’t even have sex with him. I understand now why she said that.

@Hollowvictory

I considered that as well. That I was just deluding myself. But I’ve considered other options that don’t include him at all. I know life gets hard. But his behaviour isn’t something I want to bring a child up with. And that is why an adoption is the only way.

Well it's not the only way. But the decision is yours. Good luck and please please only go out with nice men in future!

@TriciaH87

I have met his family. I have seen the divorce papers. His friends are godparents to my niece. There’s no secret family stashed away. He is a very high income earner and he takes trips overseas with his friends - it’s what they do.

@WestBerlin I had considered he would be an asshole with the adoption papers. That’s something that isn’t that difficult to overcome. That suddenly he’s going to step up? He’s not.

@Hollowvictory

I thought this was a nice guy. I thought I did everything right. I even had mutual friends vouch for him when they found out we were dating.

I didn’t expect him to react like this and to be so cold towards me. The pregnancy should never have happened, I took the pill but was sick.

This is such a sad situation. However the most important thing is your health. If you’re poorly how on earth would you manage especially with no support network and dire finances. He obviously is fit for nothing, a selfish dick that doesn’t want any responsibilities. He would be a dreadful father. How old is he may I ask. I hope you make the right decision. Not easy. X

Op it is entirely your choice. But I just wanted to say that I did choose to have a child when unmarried and in a rocky relationship. We broke up and I’m a single mum, but I don’t regret it for a moment.

I just wanted to give you another perspective- you can do it if you want. But it’s your choice and don’t let anyone make you feel bad whatever choice you make.

@Goon1234

He is 34. He said he wanted to have children with me. I honestly thought he would step up. They I panicked when I realised he wouldn’t.

We are breaking up over this. I’m not going to sleep with him any more. I’m not getting anything out of it. I’ve asked that he cover the medical costs. He hasn’t given me anything for all the other appointments or even offered. I told him he is paying for the appointment tomorrow.

You are in a horrible situation, @Meccacos, and my heart goes out to you.

In your place, I would be looking at this man’s actions, not his words. He is showing you very clearly that he is not a nice person. Given that, what are the chances that he would mess you around over giving his consent for the adoption - I assume that his consent would be needed, and he could see it as an opportunity to heap on more pain for you.

Whatever you decide, MN is here for you.

{{{hugs}}}

I’ve made an appointment to go through my options with a charity this afternoon.

I think (given he doesn’t follow through with what he says) that he wouldn’t consent to the adoption.

I actually really want to keep my baby. But I want the child to have a two parents and a stable home life. I can’t even give my child a stable home. They would be put straight in day care as soon as they are born and I want better for my child.

It is really sad that you admit you want to keep the baby but can't find a way forward.
Do what your heart is telling you. You will find a way. Otherwise you will set yourself up for a lifetime of regret.

I hope you get to keep the baby, OP. You sound nice and life can take so many turns. I presume where you live that if the father's name isn't on the birth cert, they don't have parental responsability. In the UK, they still have to pay child maintenance, here in Mexico, without their name on the birth cert, they don't have to pay up. Look into children's and parents' rights where you live.

Please go to a counselor that without an agenda. This is a time when, imo, you need to sort your own thoughts out, not to have them influenced.

I think you've decided to keep the baby, and you're pretending to yourself that you will have it adopted - you won't, because you don't want to. You need to make peace with your decision, stop kidding yourself and use the headspace to figure out the practicalities.
You are going to be a single parent, but the father at the very least will have to pay up. Now is the time to be clear to him about what is happening.

I went to the consultant obstetrician this morning. She told me that the baby will likely be healthy and I don’t have anything to worry about in terms of my medication. My boyfriend came with me.

I had the appointment this afternoon at the charity. They told me that adoption in these circumstances is very rare but went through the options. I have told them why I was considering adoption. My boyfriend came with me and he spoke with her after. He admitted that he was pretending the pregnancy wasn’t happening and he wasn’t engaging. He admitted the reason he was finding it hard was because of his divorce in February and he was still coping with that as a loss (news to me). He said he felt trapped when I said that this might be my only chance.

I told him that I am considering adoption because co-parenting is not in the best interests of the child. The counsellor said we can have an open or closed adoption.

I said I find it hard when he is telling me he doesn’t want this in his life right now, yet he’s coming to appointments and showing me that he can be responsible. He said he knows what the responsible thing to do is.

I told him I’m not having an abortion because we can’t get our shit together now. If he can’t do this then I want him to sign adoption papers so the child can have the best possible life. We have seven months to decide instead of one week for a termination.

I can’t believe that there are charities about that are staffed by volunteers that provide this service.

@Kedgeree
I know this. I couldn’t live with myself to have an abortion. This isn’t the best scenario. It’s difficult and a massive leap of faith.
It turns out he had already told his sister we were keeping the baby .....he just didn’t tell me.

I’ve said that I’m continuing the pregnancy and we will do the right thing for the baby. If he can’t deal with his issues then he needs to be selfless and give the child a chance with another family.

You're holding out for him to change and you to be able to keep the baby as a family, and maybe he will, initially. But he's not committed to you at all, he's just publicly admitted that he's still getting over his divorce and he's already feeling trapped by you. It will deteriorate, and you could easily be left homeless with a baby that is bonded to you and nowhere to go.

I said I find it hard when he is telling me he doesn’t want this in his life right now, yet he’s coming to appointments and showing me that he can be responsible. He said he knows what the responsible thing to do is.

That makes it so clear. He doesn't want this. He knows what he should do, and he's doing it - going to appointments and things. But he's also made it very clear that this isn't what he wants, and all you are going to get from him is the bare minimum.

If you want this baby, I can't imagine how much it will hurt to have the baby and give it up. It would be selfless, but so, so hard.

If you take him out of the picture, how could you do this?

We have seven months to decide instead of one week for a termination.

He's given you his answer. Don't spend the whole pregnancy trying to build up an "ideal", because when a baby has been waking you both up for 6 months straight, he is going to be feeling even more trapped and resentful. Don't put yourself in that situation.

You are literally, and willingly, building a house on sand with him.

Some countries do open adoptions. I wouldn't suggest adoption for fear of causing offence, but as you mentioned it ...I thought it would be fine.

You can have involvement in where the baby is placed and varying degrees of contact throughout the child's life.

It's not suitable for everyone and there are birth parents and adoptive parents, who wouldn't be keen... but it might be an option for you, depending on where you live and if the country do open adoptions.

We have seven months to decide instead of one week for a termination.
What you mean is, you have seven months to persuade him to change his mind instead of one week. You need to listen to yourself - what you seem to be saying here is that you don't want the baby if you can't have him as well. If he doesn't get on board you'll give the baby up, which is awful blackmail. He doesn't want any of this, so you need to let him go and make a decision about the baby separately from the decision about the relationship.