DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

[CaptainMarvellous]

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

tatiana you seem to have some kind of bugbear about independence, or how you see independence?

I'm just wondering if your 'narrative' is that no one helped you when you were young(er) and so you developed some survival skills and now you don't seem to understand why we wouldn't help those we love? (BTW it's not just the young I'd help if I could - and do - but family of my own age and of course the older generation).

My parents did quite a lot for me when I was younger, I was always so grateful and grew up just fine. My friend grew up with parents that wouldn’t wash her clothes because she was old enough to do it herself . She used to spray them with body spray because she had forgotten to wash them on the weekend (too busy just being a teenager). We both grew up being able to wash our clothes. Two different ways to get to the same result. I am very close to my parents, she speaks to hers a few times a year. Of course it’s not all about the washing of the clothes but that’s just one example of the style of parenting her parents did. Everything in the name of making your child a good rounded independent adult.

No more fictionalised that yours

Cobblers. Yours is entirely invented, I’ve simply commented on the factual circumstance in OP and the comments on this thread.

The thing with MN is there are certain Party Lines that many adhere to and feel "In The Right" about; shoving kids into "independence" as early as possible being one of these. Those who express this view are sure they're right and there's a certain tone to their responses; a surety or arrogance, and they tend to be quite rude and really rather unkind eg earlier posts telling someone she was weirdly wrapped up in her adult children or some such nonsense, and telling anyone who doesn't adhere to The Early Independence narrative they are going to create weak, pathetic adults. They always seem a bit surprised when you flip it back on them and offer them the reverse, which in this case is actually "No it's YOU who are a shit parent and you are ruining your relationship with your kids with your harshness and rigidity." You're not supposed to do THAT you see, that's not RIGHT! It always makes me 😏 to see the airy dismissals and sometimes genuine shock that they've been offered the flip side of their assertions right back at them.

But mine is not entirely invented. Who are you to dismiss my entire lived experience in this regard as invented and fictitious? All the families I know and have worked with where this dynamic in place? Many posters on here saying similar to me. But we are all just making it up? Sorry you're not comfortable with the idea that some people think you must be a shit parent because of your harsh ideas on how to parent a 12 year old but you've been telling others throughout this thread that they are.

Some posters do sound like they can't wait for the magical age where they can just go "sorry love,not my problem ,sort yourself out" and relish all responsibility.

However I bet they wouldn't be happy with their kid/teen drinking,having sex,smoking, getting a tattoo etc regardless of how independent or grown up they are. Because they're not responding enough.

Now we’ve got fiction from yolo too.

My parents were and still are amazing. They forked out for me to go to independent school, for music lessons and musical instruments. My mother invested a lot of time supporting our cultural, musical and sporting interests. My father taught us how to ride bikes, climb trees, woodwork and how to write concisely. Both were super-involved. I couldn’t really have had a better childhood. But they always encouraged independence - and I realise what a gift that was - so I hand it on to my children.

It’s very narrow and unimaginative to think that the only way to express love for children is to do stuff for them that they don’t need doing.

Not really sure why people keep having a go at op. She admits she was wrong and has realised she should treat her son better. So that’s a good result in my eyes. Those stating a 12 year old is old enough to look after themselves should also take note. There’s nothing wrong with showing your child love and compassion. This harshness towards children will just make kids think that’s how you treat people. They learn from us. I want my children to grow up to be kind and decent people not thugs and bullies.

It’s very narrow and unimaginative to think that the only way to express love for children is to do stuff for them that they don’t need doing.

Yet not one person has said that. Are you just making stuff up now?

I am with team carol. There are a lot of nasty parents out their creating nasty children no doubt. Hence why society going down the pan. Totally agree with carol.

Well I think some of you are harsh, unkind parents who will get your outcomes when your children hit young adulthood, When they'll become rebellious and obstructive because they're now big enough to be, .or secretive and fearful and unwilling to share anything they're worried or scared about with their rigid, uncompromising parents who only want obedience and respect. Good luck with that!

Your personal experience Carol? Or wild invention about people you’ve never met.

To be clear I don’t give a monkeys what you think about this or any other subject.

Encouraging independence is very different to being downright nasty and disrespectful to your child.

Tatiana, you sound a delight.

Good point yoursarcasm "be independent kids, but only the kind of independence we think you should have i.e the independence that makes life easier for ME!"

Yet not one person has said that.

Because they think their children need driving to uni and back and having all their chores done for them. Children can’t possibly walk for an hour in June without falling into a snowdrift of being eaten by wild bears.

Oh Tati, you are right. You sound like your harsh childhood did you no damage whatsoever. You sound completely reasonable and caring???i think you are outnumbered on here by kind parents.

To be clear I don’t give a monkeys what you think about this or any other subject.

you sure are responding a lot to me given you don't care about anything I say.

You've been sneering and ridiculing people and their parenting all over this thread. You just don't like it flipped back on you. That wasn't supposed to happen because you're RIGHT!

Standard.

Lol

Children can’t possibly walk for an hour in June without falling into a snowdrift of being eaten by wild bears.

Again, not one person has said anything like that. And I am the one creating fiction? . I feel like you're extrapolating and creating these silly scenarios because you know you don't actually have anything solid to justify all your sneering and viciousness towards people's parenting choices on this thread so you've got to make some up.

It’s moderately entertaining, but that’s not the same as caring about your POV. I certainly don’t expect people to care about mine.

One thing I do hope my kid learns is that she can always can come to me if she fucks up or needs help.

I’ve not been particularly harsh, just commented on the consequences of wrapping children in cotton wool imo. You seem very defensive (and rather insecure).

You seem very defensive (and rather insecure).

No I don't

That's just another thing you're making up because you don't like being told that in fact it's you that's a shit parent and that your harsh approach will likely damage your relationship with your kids. I wouldn't like it either but then I wouldn't have been making superior, smirky little jibes on a thread and telling people what pathetic parents they are just because they like to be with and do things for their older kids. We get that you don't, that's fine. Your little attacks and sneering would suggest that you're the defensive one to me but what do I know? It's never to late to change though, you could start being kind and thoughtful to your kids too you know.

Yes of course, we care for our children due to our insecurities??

What makes you the expert on the consequences of different kinds of parenting, Tati? How do you know the outcome of showing kindness and consideration to ones children when you have no experience of it?? You are the result of your version of parenting, so no thanks. feel sorry for your version of what parenting is.

@TatianaLarina

I’m going to take a punt here
You don’t have children, do you?