DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

[CaptainMarvellous]

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

Didn’t say they were wrong, simply less independent freshstart

Agreed joystir

I can’t believe that so many people think that a 60 minute walk is so impossible for a child.

Especially a sporty child.

I can't believe how some of you baby your child

I don't think asking a 12 year old to walk an hour to school as a one-off is unreasonable (if it's not unsafe).

However, this morning I got up, washed my face and then went downstairs to get breakfast and put coffee on. On the way I spent half a second knocking on 16 year old ds' door and saying "time to get up". How is that "babying"?

It's like the people who won't wash their kids' clothes for them? How is it better to sort out all the washing into different peoples' and dump your kids' washing back into the washing basket? Just wash it altogether (not darks and whites together, obvs).

It strikes me that some people are unhelpful to their kids for the sake of it because it is easier in many cases to be helpful.

Didn’t say they were wrong, simply less independent freshstart

Don't see your point. Independence isn't about distance.

Having to walk was a natural consequence of getting up too late. Surely natural consequences are different to punishments.

I don't think asking DS to walk to school as a one off was unreasonable.

But ... this should have been explained as the consequence for missing the bus, well in advance, not at 7.05 in the morning when the DS had just (been) woken up. Especially in a household where the OP does often provide lifts, and was in any case taking her younger children to school en-route, so it was fairly reasonable for DS to assume that one of these options might be available to him.

My DS (who is 15) has an after school activity at 7pm, a mile away from our home. Yes, he is perfectly capable of cycling there and often does, but if it's bad weather, or he's had a bad day, or I just fancy a chat with him, then I will give him a lift. (fairly sure lots of posters will tell me I am babying). However, what I also do is warn him in advance (probably 2 or 3 days ahead) when I absolutely won't be able to take him because I have something else on. And because he's a reasonable person and appreciates that I am also, he says "that's fine" and takes himself there with no drama.

A twelve year old is not even a teenager.

I think you lost perspective and your entire focus is on your younger children. Your twelve year old is still a young child and you should take care of him. It sounds like all you do is tell him off. The dynamics sound wrong.

I am also astonished how hostile you sound towards your child.

How are children to learn kindness and empathy to family members and the feeling of always having someone on their team if their parents leave them to sink of swim at age 12 because they're busy with younger children?

All these assertions of soft pathetic parenting, mollycoddling and raising ineffectual children. Well I think some of you are harsh, unkind parents who will get your outcomes when your children hit young adulthood, When they'll become rebellious and obstructive because they're now big enough to be, .or secretive and fearful and unwilling to share anything they're worried or scared about with their rigid, uncompromising parents who only want obedience and respect. Good luck with that!

Teddybear45 That’s unnecessarily cruel. Why would you do that to a child?

Well there needs to be a balance between overparenting and stern stand offishness doesn't there? Natural consequences are not punishment. Running a taken-for-granted taxi service will not teach independence or respect. Never bending the rules will create emotional distance, bending them too much and they are meaningless. My parents were busy providing a stable, clean, food-stocked home, running a car and taking us on holiday to the coast every year plus picnics and other trips out. They expected us to play our part- doing chores around the home, working hard at school, and respecting their rules and decisions. Taking us to after school activities or to socialise when we were older wasn't even on the radar.

Excellent post @carol The relationship with your child is the MOST important thing. I’ve never met an adult who is unable to function independently regardless of their upbringing. However I do know adults who have poor relationships (or no relationship) with their parents and still have deep seated hurt over their parents actions.

An hour’s walk = sink or swim. 😂

Cba with the invented stuff.

The thing about doing your child's washing? From the age of 13 I helped my dad do and hang out the family wash on Saturday afternoons, using the Hotpoint twin tub. I ironed the family wash on Sunday afternoons, and we didn't have a steam iron so I had to make sure the washing came off the line slightly damp, each piece rolled up to keep it damp for ironing. I didn't regard it has a hardship then, and still don't. My dad had worked all week and my mum worked in a shop on Saturdays. I used to wash and massage my mum's feet after she'd finished work. Respect.

I am glad OP sorted it with son, however a 60 minutes walk is reasonable for a 12 year old

School transport is only available is you live more than 3 miles from school ( 2 miles for children under 8 years)

The reason school transport takes just as long as walking 3 miles is that it will no doubt be collecting kids from several small villages and hamlets ie they collect first from village R 5 miles from the school then 10 minutes later form village S only 4 miles from school but 3 miles from R, then off they go to next village circling the town where the main school is
just like normal buses they take longer to go from A to B than a car as they stop at C, D and E

I wasn't expected to do more than my brother. He is alot older than me but when we were both young once of us would hoover and dust the downstairs while the other went to buy bread and milk tokens. Then we'd eat lunch together, which was always tomato soup with bread and butter.

All this 'always make them do something themselves because it creates independence' (to paraphrase) just sounds so joyless to me and not like a nice way to live. If you can do something for someone, why wouldn't you? Not to the nth degree obviously, but if your younger/older teen or young adult needs something and you CAN help them, I don't understand why you wouldn't.

I wouldn't like my kid's doing a sixty minute walk to school, would you let your kid's do a sixty minute walk in the pouring rain also the winter time when it's freezing and snowing, i wouldn't, he's only 12 and shouldn't be having to fend for himself, i'm glad she's not my mother.

would you let your kid's do a sixty minute walk in the pouring rain also the winter time when it's freezing and snowing

No.

Joyless is a good term for it yolo. Resentment and enjoying having power over your child and a chance to take out your frustrations on them with little comeback is another way of looking at it. I really believe some parents don't really like their children at all and promoting "independence" is such a handy way to be a bit of a shit to your child and justify it as being for their own good!. I've seen this play out so many times in RL. People forget their kids will actually grow up and become self governing adults who may at best have fractured, secretive and tense relationships with their parents and at worst vote with their feet.

DD can do many things. Some she does because she has to, some for pocket money,some because she wants to and some I do for her.

It doesn't make her any more or less independent if I put the cereal in her bowl for her or she puts it in herself.

I'm a grownup. Moved countries at 23, it's still nice to have a meal cooked for me, get a lift somewhere or whatever.

Snow in June eh?

Meanwhile Carol continues her fictionalised narrative.

TatianaLarina

Snow

Lions and tigers and bears - oh my!

Meanwhile Carol continues her fictionalised narrative.

No more fictionalised that yours Tatiana