DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

[CaptainMarvellous]

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

One of mine has perfected that technique, probably from watching me get up, shower, wash and dry hair and make my sandwiches for lunch in 25 minutes flat.

Doubtful

I'm not lying. In that time I put on body lotion, mascara, eyeliner and perfume. I fill two water bottles. I don't have breakfast though.
It's not even rushed but it is a well practiced art. DD can do the same. DS farts around like his father. I have no idea what takes them so long. I'd rather stay in bed.

Good to hear things are better today op. Sounds like thingsreached a head yesterday and it’s been a catalyst to move forward into a better relationship. Your son sounds like he really needs you at the moment

Basically you need to accept that 12 year olds are still children who have to be got up and organized. You cannot choose to ignore your legal responsibility to ensure his school attendance simply because you have younger children and it’s inconvenient! I’m fairly sure that locking him out in the hope that this will force him to go to school is not a legally recognized method of fulfilling this duty.

If you think like that then of course they do. In fact, 12 year olds should be able to get themselves up and to school. If they find they don’t enough time they set their alarm earlier.

She locked the front door so that he’d walk to school - and so he should have done.

I find the word ‘snowflake’ irritating but it’s apt on this case.

So what were the consequences for yesterday? A lift and going on a trip? I'm glad things are better but that sounds like you've rewarded his behaviour by going exactly what he wanted you to do yesterday.

l'd fallen into the trap of seeing him as the enemy seeing your child as your enemy?! Do you think you would ever apply this thought to the children from your current marriage?

I'm glad things are better but that sounds like you've rewarded his behaviour by going exactly what he wanted you to do yesterday.

It only sounds like that to one or two punishment driven posters on here. To most it sounds like a positive step towards OP liking and parenting her child again and being kind to him. Making sure he gets to school and helping him to do so isn't a favour it's her job as a parent. Both of them were at fault yesterday and OP is owning it and doing what she can to change her side of the interaction.

Today has been much better, he asked for and was given a lift and we've spent time packing for a sports trip. I'd fallen into the trap of seeing him as the enemy, your comments have opened my eyes to that.

It's good you recognise it, it's the first step in improving things,on both sides. Just remember this thread so you don't fall into that place again. It's so very easy to do when stressed,overwhelmed and kids are acting up. He's still part of the team,remember that, and treat him accordingly.

Also remember that no matter what or how much of a dick he's being,you are the adult and have to act that way. Pick your battles.

Good luck to you both.

God, I used to think I was quite strict - manners in particular. But I drove mine to school every morning til they were 18 (morning bus very unreliable) and would always pick up if they were doing something after normal school bus time. I will still drop off/pick up now when they are both at uni, and do masses for them when they are at home. I love them, they love me, they do things for me too. Why wouldn't you do stuff for someone you love?

This is really crap parenting.

Sorry missed your last post OP. Glad you are making sense of it.

I will still drop off/pick up now when they are both at uni, and do masses for them when they are at home. I love them, they love me, they do things for me too. Why wouldn't you do stuff for someone you love

Because it’s the job of a parent to teach their children independence.
Your MO sounds less like an expression of love and more like a need to be loved yourself.

hhahahaha! Rural living, limited and very expensive public transport, cost of driving lessons not to mention car insurance blah blah. However quite happy to put them on the train to wherever they are going and then its up to them. They seem to be pretty independent and quite capable of travel etc etc. They do stuff to help me too, why wouldnt that be a good thing? Mutuality, respect, helping each other out - all good life qualities.

Well done OP, nice update.

These threads crack me up. A while ago another MN posted AIBU and then explained everything she did for 12 year old. She was crucified because apparently all 12 year olds are practically adults so she should stop nannying them!!

OP only you know how mature your DS is and what he can manage. They all chance their arms - it’s a rite of passage from they age! I was babysitting at that age (way back in the last century). But would I trust my 15 year old to babysit? Absolutely not!! He’s got no common sense 😂!

He’s learnt the hard way that you’re not a soft touch. I don’t think you were BU. However, maybe a bit more hands-on work with him to demonstrate how to schedule his morning, ie set alarm, the importance of getting up on time and the consequences of not giving yourself enough time in the mornings will help. He’ll know you care enough to take the time to keep him right. Reward this with a nice breakfast or a surprise special snack in his schoolbag. He IS a priority to you in the mornings otherwise you wouldn’t have cared enough to seek advice/reassurance here.

Don’t beat yourself up, you’re doing a great job!

However quite happy to put them on the train to wherever they are going and then its up to them

But not to uni. Who actually has their parents drop and pick them up from uni? Start of the year is one thing when they’ve got all their clobber. It just all sounds very needy yolo tbh.

sorry tatiana do you have an issue? Yes I will pick them up if they have furniture etc to bring, why would I expect them to dismantle an IKEA chest of drawers and bring it on the train then go back again to pick up the rest of their stuff at high cost when I could just drive down?

Helping your child, whether 2, 12, 22 or 32 doesnt meant you are infantilising them, it just means that if you are in a position to do so and you want do it then you just ... do it? Same way they help me out with stuff (techie mostly but also domestic/garden drudgery when they are home) - simply because we all live here and we all love each other and we all want to make life as nice as possible.

There’s so much over neurotic over-anxious parenting on here, and then posters are surprised when their kids get to uni and they can’t cope.

And so many apparently still drive their kids to school or the kids are walking distance from secondary school. Both of those things are the exception not the rule where I live.

Yes, yolofish, why wouldn’t you teach your children to be kind and helpful by being so yourself? Spot on. OP, I’m glad you’ve been able to resolve this - did the school also issue sanctions for truancy? If so, I think it’s time to move on from it. Glad your relationship has now improved - onward and upward!

But not to uni. Who actually has their parents drop and pick them up from uni?

Me. I take DS. We live a 50 minute bus ride/half an hour drive from the city. I drop DS in the morning on the way to work. It's called being nice. Of course he could get a bus, but it would be a ridiculous expense when I'm going to the city anyway.

It's ok though, fear not, it hasn't scuppered his independence.

You sound like a lovely parent @yolofish, who likes and is close to their kids and doesn't see it as a big deal to do things with your children. Not needy at all so please ignore that.

At 12 my parents left the house for work about an hour before I needed to get up. They weren't "crap parents" and didn't do me any harm - at 12 kids really should be able to get themselves up and to school on their own. YANBU OP.

I think your expectations of him have to be raised considerably. And 20 minutes isn't enough time to get ready, and then get to the bus stop.

Nice update OP, I’m glad you have been open to the comments on here and now you can move on and start building bridges. My DD is 11, going to comp in September. I’m definitely going to get that book that some others mentioned, I don’t want to lose touch with her. Your post was about so much more than your DS acting up and missing school and I think deep down you knew this.

@Macca84 and mine left me for about half an hour when I was two. Didn't do me any harm either,never got hurt or anything. I bet you wouldn't rush leaving your 2 yo tho.

The thing with parenting is that despite the little blips and shit life throws at us we should strive for more than "didn't do me any harm".

I was independent as fuck, I didn't get any extra medals for it.

Glad you figured out that he's not the enemy!! It's easy to fall into that morass.

FWIW, i never ever told on my dc to schools. It seemed if they got a toe-hold on my dc, they went for blood so we felt that dealing with things at home was more safe. And less painful for everyone.

My dc are ornery as anyone but if they acted out, they did so for a reason. Usually. Involving the school betrayed them. It's our family as a cohesive, protective unit that counts. I allowed them to make decisions bc I know that they wanted to be successful. Even when I knew they would regret it, if it was middling recoverable, i let them fail.

Life isn't being right all the time. Everyone fails. It's recovering from failure that is the more important lesson.

Mothering is going to be hard the next few years. Try to keep in mind that the relationship that you have now will directly effect the relationship you have with ds in future.