DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

[CaptainMarvellous]

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

My son is 12 and going to secondary school next year. I will teach him independence, etc but I hope I never treat my son how you treated yours especially at 12.

It sounds like your younger children are more important. You locked a 12 year old out of the house knowing he was a 60 minute walk from school and no one around. Surely this is a huge safety issue.

You are being way too harsh

60 min walk is not reasonable have you felt the weight of children’s school bags, plus sport bags etc on certain days.

7.20am bus unreasonable for a teenager and why does the bus leave 1 hr 10mins before school started if distance can be walked in 60mins.

You seem surprised you could get up earlier when younger, teenagers body clocks are programmed to sleep in later. Some secondary schools in ?London have trialed starting at 10am to compensate for this so children aren’t half asleep. As your son gets older this will only get worse.

Given that you have chosen to live/school with limited buses, not walkable then I think you need to assist with travel. I would never lock a child out all day and ringing the school was just mean.

He could get up earlier at primary not you, sorry for typo!

Glad you sorted it but unfortunately I agree that 20 minutes is not enough time to leave the house. You seriously expected him to wake up and get out of bed then be ready for school & on a bus within 20 minutes - is he not supposed to shower, brush his teeth, wash his face etc? There was a significant chance that he would miss the bus so you were being bitchy, frankly, by refusing a lift or telling him to walk for 60 minutes. It’s like you wanted to purposely have an argument with him, because you just see him as a source of more problems so wanted to release your anger. You should have taken a more calm attitude as these things happen, oversleeping and being late to school is minor in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t warrant an argument.

Also it was your choice to live in the arse end of nowhere, it’s not your son’s fault. You seem to be expecting eternal gratitude from him for the lifts, when he genuinely doesn’t seem to have other options like decent public transport? It’s just as frustrating for him as it is for you, however he didn’t gave any say in the matter.

@Tatianalarina

I find the word ‘snowflake’ irritating but it’s apt on this case.

Totally confused. I don’t remember a reference to the weather. Please explain what snowflakes have to do with this 🙄

I haven’t rtft and I don’t need to. You were being completely unreasonable. He’s 12. You can’t just expect him to walk an hour to school unaccompanied, it’s ridiculous. It’s also ridiculous to expect him to be up, showered, dressed, breakfasted and standing at a bus stop inside 20 minutes. It’s further ridiculous to expect a 12 year old to be grateful for you fulfilling part of your parenting responsibilities. Basically, you are being completely ridiculous. And unreasonable. HTH.

Hi op, i’m Concerned you say you had started to see your 12 yr old as the enemy as teenagers can be very ungrateful and rude/ not communicate well. They are programmed to resist and test barriers, seek out risk. If your relationship is to continue to be good one I would prepare for behaviour you might not like and try a calmer approach. Teenagers can be very tricky to parent, you don’t want it to become one huge battle. Good luck.

My son is 15 (16 in a couple of weeks). We live 20 miles from his high school in a rural location. He gets the bus at 0712am to the town his school is in then walks a mile or so to school. That gets him to school 10 minutes before it starts at 0830am. Mostly , I still have to wake him in the morning at 0615 (he walks our 2 dogs and then feeds them each morning, a condition of receiving his pocket money).he missed the bus 2 days ago after me nagging him to get a move on and him saying he ha plenty of time, and phoned me saying 'mum, I think the bus came early'. Once i picked myself off the floor from laughing so much I just said 'well get the next one and you will be 20 minutes late and pay the consequences at school as I don't be leaving for work till 0830 and you know what you need to do'. So he did that. No harm done. I wouldn't lock a 12 year old out of the house, I wouldn't even lock my 15 year old out the house as there could be a million reasons they'd need to come home. Doesn't he have his own key? He should still be a focus. My son is still my focus even though hes mainly independent....part from dragging him out of bed but he seems to have got more tired than he was at day 12 or 13 but that's hormones. He does not get to miss school though as I've instilled that in him. He still needs you. You need to realise that, but I'd be putting in more boundaries to allow him to understand rather than sun after him. My son will lose 50p from his pocket money today as he walked the dogs but I fed them as he didn't get up early enough. He knows that is his job and he didn't fulfil it. No argument, no shouting, he just knows the consequence.

Should say. My son phoned me saying 'mum, I think the bus came early' once I picked myself up from the floor laughing I said ' no son, I think you arrived late' and the rest lol

I know lots of people whose children don’t defy them. It’s the result of firm, fair parenting.

Nope it is a result of fear.If you know you are always going to be told 'no' whatever you ask for then it's easier to just do it amf not tell your parents.

sashh

Fear Choosing not to do something because you don’t want the consequence isn’t fear.

I didn't defy or ever disagree with my parents (however unreasonable their demands). It was because if I did, I knew they would scream and shout and possibly hit me.
So I guess you could say that was fear of the consequences. It was also terible parenting and has left me with huge mental health issues as an adult. In fact it took me a very long time as an adult to dare to make my own choices because my default option as a child was to find out what my parents thought I should do, and then do that, to avoid arguments.

I didn't defy or ever disagree with my parents (however unreasonable their demands). It was because if I did, I knew they would scream and shout and possibly hit me.
So I guess you could say that was fear of the consequences. It was also terible parenting and has left me with huge mental health issues as an adult. In fact it took me a very long time as an adult to dare to make my own choices because my default option as a child was to find out what my parents thought I should do, and then do that, to avoid arguments.

That’s abusive and awful and I am sorry it happened to you. It isn’t comparable to proportionate, graduates, consistent consequences when a child defies their parent.

*graduated

It's ok though, fear not, it hasn't scuppered his independence.

Arguably if he was truly independent he would have gone away to uni. It’s more expensive but he could sort out his own finance

One of the most common complaints among academics these days is that students struggle to look after themselves domestically and academically

The perception that a 12 year old can’t be expected ’to walk an hour to school unaccompanied’ really doesn’t help.

Arguably if he was truly independent he would have gone away to uni. It’s more expensive but he could sort out his own finance

Don't be so bloody stupid. He chose the uni based on the fact that is is one of the best in Scotland, why the fuck would he need to move away to be 'truly independent' of course is is independent financially, has been for a very long time. That doesn't mean I can't drop him at the city in the morning to save him time and bus money, just as I would do with DH is he worked in the city as well.

7.20am bus unreasonable for a teenager and why does the bus leave 1 hr 10mins before school started if distance can be walked in 60mins

I used to get the bus at 7.15 am. Bus would drop us off at school at 7.45, then go back to do a second trip to the other side to pick those children up.

If you’re in an area where public transport doesn’t serve well - our first public bus was 9.15, you’re reliant on the bus the council puts on specifically for your school.

Fear hmm Choosing not to do something because you don’t want the consequence isn’t fear.

My experience of childhood was exactly the same as RedSky

Example I wore soft contact lenses, my mum bought cleaning fluid for hard lenses, I wasn't allowed to change it because that was me criticising my mother, so I had to use the wrong fluid and have a reaction, fortunately it was a quick reaction before I'd put the second lens in my eye was red and swollen.

Obviously I was then punished for not being more careful.

No way on God’s earth I would have stayed at home for uni. Despite my home town uni ‘being one of the best’ in the country.

Example I wore soft contact lenses, my mum bought cleaning fluid for hard lenses, I wasn't allowed to change it because that was me criticising my mother, so I had to use the wrong fluid and have a reaction, fortunately it was a quick reaction before I'd put the second lens in my eye was red and swollen.

But that’s clearly ridiculous.

Look, I think a lot of the criticism of “punishment” on this thread might stem from the posters’ experiences of unreasonable punishment. I am a very reasonable person with a sensible sense of right and wrong. I don’t take it personally if my child prefers ham over cheese, I don’t lock anyone in basements and I don’t insist on elbows off the table or no supper.

Lying, being selfish, disregarding instructions that are in place for a reason: if you choose to do those things, that’s when a punishment would come into play.

No way on God’s earth I would have stayed at home for uni. Despite my home town uni ‘being one of the best’ in the country.

So what?

It doesn't make people who do stay local wrong or lesser people than you. Get over yourself.

My parents never gave me a lift to school or drove me to any activity or event. Never. I didn't see that as a lack of love and I didn't resent them at all. I was out in the world living independantly in another city at 19.

Well done! Be firm. He is to be a man one day.

How are children to learn any resilience or gain any understanding of their own autonomous capabilities and weaknesses if they are mollycoddled throughout their childhood and teens? It's ok to have to walk an hour to school because you've missed the bus, and suffer the consequences of arriving late on your own. What a valuable learning experience that would be.

It's ok to have to walk an hour to school because you've missed the bus, and suffer the consequences of arriving late on your own.

I'm guessing it's because he knew the consequences that he by bunked off.