Be honest - would you judge the girl under 20 who has 2 children?

[namechange6678]

Honestly, what would your thoughts be at this?? Especially if the person looks under 20.

What about Rose West and Myra Hindley, are feminists not allowed to judge the choices they made??

that's one of the best replies I've read so far! Thank you

Tenuous link there @lifecraft.

Not sure murdering kids is something anyone would condone, feminist or not.

We all judge all the time. I would judge particularly given all the bloody teenage single parent girls around here.

Pity isn’t the right word nor is judging.
But I would wonder why? Was it a choice or was it ‘well that’s what yu are supposed to do’ or ‘there is nothing else I can do’ type of decision?

When I look at my dcs (oldest one is 16yo so not that far from you), I see them nowhere near ready. I would also be sad that they wouldn’t have the opportunity to use their 20s to go to Uni, have fun and discover a bit more about themselves before becoming a parent themselves. I get that having children younger means you have plenty of time enjoying life later on. BUT, having a chronic illness has taught me you can’t bank on that. And this would be a very different experience.

Having said that OP my mum has always looked very young and she had similar comments when she had me. She was 26yo!! (And pelle thought she was under 18yo). So you might well have had the same comments even if you had been older.

I'm on two threads at the moment in which, over the last hour, feminism has been declared a failed project because they're not getting the warm and fuzzies from Mumsnet

@CJsGoldfish I pray you don't have children yourself, god help them with your antiquated ideas

Yes, very antiquated to think choosing to have children before one is out of their teens is a pretty immature decision. This antiquated idea that being in a position where you can actually BE a parent and support your own kids is probably more ideal. So very antiquated

Oh, and quite happy to say that I actually do have children. Incredibly wonderful ones at that. Out of their teens and doing amazing things. But carry on

CJ'sGoldfish think you're projecting a little bit there. No one's saying that's all she can do. It's perfectly possible to be educated and have a career at the same time as having children
Not sure how it is "projecting" but either way, it really is only on MN that teens go on to be educated to the nth degree with careers to match. Pretty sure that its a far, far higher proportion that make having babies their 'career' because it's all they figure they can do

@teyem Go Women

I wouldn’t judge if you are able to provide both financial and emotional stability for your children. If that’s the case then your age doesn’t matter.

As long as she wasn't being rude to me in some way I wouldn't give a shit. I'm fact, I probably wouldn't even notice. I'm rubbish at guessing how old people are.

@beaker - how judgemental!

I had my first child at 18, 2nd at 19, held down jobs and worked my way up. Both my girls are married with children now.

Once my kids were over 18 I got a career, earned a five figure sum, had grandchildren while in my early 40s and loved every minute of it.

Now our grandchildren are all either in seniors or have left school and we have freedom to do whatever we want.

I don't have a degree (nor does my husband) but we live in the most expensive area of our town. We were both brought up on council estates but made the most of the opportunities we were given.

Having children early enriched our lives and gave us the freedom to really enjoy our retirement. I could say I find it strange that women wait so late to try to start families now but I wouldn't do that. Each to their own.

Feminism isn't like Tinkerbell fairy dust where, through the power of positive mental thinking and the power of the sisterhood, you can outrun statistics. It's true to say I wouldn't judge, that doesn't mean though that that mother isn't, statistically, more likely to hit more difficulties than mothers who are older and more likely to be able to lay their hands on additional resources.

When I was 20 - i'd have been a bit awe struck - spent a lot of my 20's throwing up on the night bus .
Now at 50 and having had a child at 40 - I'm still in awe. Younger parents do a great job. I would say I wish I'd have had my child younger - but I was a total twat and an awful eejit.

It makes you wonder why we bother having benefits and local authority properties in this country, if all the teen mums have a mortgage, get a degree and earn a 5 figure salary...

I was 20 with 2 (babies). I felt very judged. Even had a few ‘jokey’ comments from 1 or 2 ‘friends’. My brother loved a ‘family disgrace’ joke at my expense on occasion too. It was hard. But my 2 have grown to be amazing people.

&Tenuous link there @lifecraft.

Not sure murdering kids is something anyone would condone, feminist or not.

Nope, we've been told quite firmly that feminists are not allowed to judge the choices other women make. You read it on here first!

it really is only on MN that teens go on to be educated to the nth degree with careers to match.

Yes I've always noticed this and IF those people are being truthful I wonder is this because of the more middle class demographic on MN? Because it's been well established that girls from a wc background are far more likely to continue an unplanned pregnancy than girls from a mc background so I suspect a lot of mc MNers may not know too many teen mums but that those they do know still have all the other advantages of their mc upbringing so are therefore still more likely to continue in education and therefore progress into careers.

What about Rose West and Myra Hindley, are feminists not allowed to judge the choices they made??

Being a murderer is very different to having children young. One is against the law, the other isn’t. I think it’s safe to say you’re allowed to judge criminals.

I get that, teyem, but again I think a lot of the possible outcomes, come down to the individual. That's not to say a 19 year old mum wouldn't have it harder than her 30 year old counterpart. But I don't think it's the be all and end all to life itself. Who's to say any of us are loving our lives the 'right' way. Who decided what the 'right' way is??

Historically women have had offspring younger due to shorter life expectancy. Teen pregnancies were thought nothing of. It's only due to advances in modern medicine and technology, its seen as the done thing to get an education first etc. The cynic in me thinks it's pure economy driven. Be a wage slave till you die. Yaaaayyy!!!!

@woohootoyou - but you must be a BabyBoomer! (or thereabouts)

Of course you were able to buy property with ease! Of course you could find a job as a non-graduate and work your way up. I expect you have a final salary pension too?

The opportunities you admit you were 'given' simply don't exist anymore. Comparing your privileged life with that of a millennial is just grossly disingenuous.

@namechange6678 so sorry - I was furious at that ridiculous statement!

You have plenty of time to do absolutely everything you want to. I'm really glad I had my children young, and I know lots of other Mums who were under 20 when they had their families and had very happy, fulfilled lives. It's not all about earning massive sums - kids need love more than anything else.

I'd be jealous that she would have her life back by 35

Pity more than judge.

This, but for different reasons than the previous poster. I have seen young mums doing fine when they were young, but their lives falling apart in middle age or beyond and then it has become apparant that they missed out on living alone and fending for themselves when young. It's more difficult to learn to be alone when you are older. Best learnt when young. I haven't seen a good outcome yet, for the mum that is. I don't see a difference for the kids how old their parents were when they had them so that doesn't concern me at all.

Don't worry @fun, I think lifecraft is having difficulty grasping the legality issues of murder.

For those at the back, looking at you lifecraft being a murderer has fuck all to do with feminism. Its something that should most definitely be judged. And punished for.

HTH

kids need love more than anything else.

yes... but they also need good food, parents who are around and not stressed about paying the bills, holidays, days out, school activities and hobbies then they grow up and they need money for a car, uni, wedding, a deposit, help with childcare...

So of course being a rich but distant parent is not great, but it's not very realistic to pretend you don't need money when you have kids.

@breaker

I had two kids by the time I was 20 and my kids have a great life! My partner and I earn more between us than lots of people I see posting on here so if it’s about money then you’re just so so wrong. My kids have more than plenty of other kids who can’t afford holidays or clubs etc. The have less than plenty of kids too obviously but none of this is down to my age.