Be honest - would you judge the girl under 20 who has 2 children?

[namechange6678]

Honestly, what would your thoughts be at this?? Especially if the person looks under 20.

This thread actually made me feel so rubbish.
I had my first at 17 and second at 19 and third at 22? Maybe 23.

Me and the father are still together and he has always worked to support us.
The only thing i feel resentful about is the fact we cant afford childcare so i had to finish my education online (and spend a fair bit of my savings on the courses)

We didnt have anything when my first was a baby but i saved every bit i could from DHs wages and we now have a nice home.
Granted we cant buy a house yet and my children dont have a garden but we 'garden' on the window sills and got to the park most days. Lots of different parks and long walks.

We had saved enough for a deposit on a house when i was 20. So 3 years of hard saving (that includes saving for months at a time to buy furniture in the first year and a half)
The only reason we couldnt buy one is because DHs mother used his name to go on a huge spending spree when she found out we would be moving in together and the bailiffs wouldnt be knocking on her door.

I made all the right choices for my young family. And so what if i had a one year old before i was legally allowed to drink?

The only difference between me and most of you is that when my contraception failed (oh my god and the comments I have had- are you sure you didnt forget? Try to trap your boyfriend? From strangers aswell!) Is that I chose not to abort.

I know most of my old friends had to go to The Clinic when they were as young as me to take care of the situation.
I could have easily have aborted and destroyed my life. In a different way though.

Also- to all the people who think having one mistake is fine but if she then chooses to have another baby then she is stupid "how can you support two children under 20?" The same way anyone does!

I had my first the same time as a family member was having their fifth and guess what? We play more. We go on days out more and to the park more. We read more and draw more and we dont have social services involved whereas the older mum does.

It really doesnt matter what age you have children.
I look at my peers lives and see nothing but years wasted! I dont enjoy drinking (apart from on occasion but especially not on christmas) so i didnt miss out on going out. And my childless sister is exactly the same as me. So i can say fairly surely that if i had aborted my first child i would still be at home but living a very similar life to her. And so similar to what i live now.
In fact i have a fun life! I get to play.

@Fakenametodayhey please don't feel rubbish, I'm sure you've had enough of that throughout the years.

I think people that haven't had kids young are imagining their 20year old selves and assuming that someone that age can't be emotionally or otherwise mature enough to raise children because they weren't. I don't think they get that a young mother isn't the same as a childless 17 year old and that most of the time, we grow up and mature much quicker than someone of that age with no children.

I wouldn't change my DD for the world, she's nearly 12 now and I still get comments, but the way I see it, I get to be in her life for a very long time, longer than I would if I had waited and for me that is something I can only be thankful for.

Don't let a thread make you feel rubbish Fakename and remember you could wait until 40 until you have children and still not be happy, also it's very easy to be an armchair judge but nobody is perfect and most people have a skeleton or two in the cupboard. Theres no law that says you must be in your late 30s before having children and I actually think this thread has been started to goad and get people frothing from their places of judgment so take no notice and realise being happy and healthy are the main things in life. Yes I could just as easily gone to The Clinic as well but I chose not too and it was my decision, dd is now 20 and at uni and I am very very proud of her.

There are countless threads abusing "older" mothers and mocking them for daring to chose to have a child in their late 30s or 40s 🤷

Who cares what people think really?

I had my first at 16. My mum was too busy working to help out, ds went to childcare like most other children who’s parents worked did. And he had a dad who also looked after him

How did you afford childcare at 16? Where did you live?

@fakenametodayhey

I really don’t think people are intending to make you feel rubbish so please don’t.

You have, however, listed so many reasons to not do what you’ve done (have 3 before 22)

• you can’t afford childcare
• you had to do online school
• you can’t buy a house
• ur children don’t have a garden
• you have to save every bit

@sincethereis i cant buy a house because Mil used DHs name and destroyed his credit rating. We didnt even know about it- until we checked our credit scores and saw a huge debt.
We dont have a garden (would have by now if credit scores can magically go up)

And we saved for a house- how is that not a reason?

And lots of people cant afford childcare.
Its not a youmg mum thing its a low income thing.
I remedied that by finishing online.

I cant see how you think any of this is a reason not to have a child?

Ps we could afford to rent a nice house but that would mean putting less away in our savings.

The garden thing is ridiculous, it really doesn't matter that children don't have a garden. Plenty of people can't afford a house with a garden whether they are 17 or 47!

fair point about the garden, but it doesn't change the fact that it's much easier - and better - to save money to buy a house before you have kids. Unless you have a huge budget, most people start with small, sometimes rather grotty, accommodation. At least half my friends lived in house share when they started working, and my first place had not real bathroom for nearly 8 months. You can't do that once you have kids, it's not fair on them.

When I hear people complaining that they can't afford to save for a deposit but they chose to rent a house with garden, I don't comment but I judge! Priorities hey...

No (in response to OP question).

To be honest there is no ideal age to have kids. I wouldn't think anything, but then I was brought up not to judge anyone on outward appearances.

The number of people who can’t afford a house with a garden at 17 is obviously going to be very very very high complained to the proportion at 47!

Don’t be silly. People shouldn’t judge based on you age but don’t deny the fact that having multiple kids that young is not an intelligent move especially in the western world.

Judge her if & only if she is a shitty parent not purely just because of her age.

No I wouldn’t at all

No I wouldn’t judge. Id feel she may have missed out on some life experiences though.

My best friend at school had two kids by the time she was 17.

She’s now in her mid 40s with a degree, a decent job in youth services and two lovely young adult children.

So no, no judging from me.

Nope - had mine a lot older but really wished I’d had the energy of someone in their late teens / twenties !
I also know 2 people who had twins in their early fifties and people have made judgements about them !
We are far too judgey really !

breaker

Pity more than judge. And pity her children too. Sadly all too common, what chance do any of them have of a nice life

My work colleague had 2 by 20.
She’s still with their dad, happily married and at 40 has two gorgeous young adults, one on an apprenticeship, the other reading Maths at Manchester Uni. (No, not met).
She and her DH have done a wonderful job and now are ‘free’ at 40 - child free and only 6 yrs left in their mortgage.
She told me that she worked really hard to make sure that her children were never late, always did homework on time, had impeccable manners etc because she felt judged, well - she proved them all wrong.

Breaker- You sound nasty btw. She had 2 by 20 but would never be as judgemental and horrible as you have been.

Why do they not stand a chance? I am 22 and have 2 wonderful well mannered children who are an absolute delight and always receive comments who say they are a credit to me. People just assume way too much these days, me and their father have been together for 7 years and are a very happy family.

No simply because i had 2 at 23 with a miscarrage and an ectopic behind me , i worked my behind off and looked after my kids on my own only people up their own behinds would judge, had my first at 17 it was hard but im proud of how good a mum i was and my kids have done well for themselves.

Depends. I've seen great mums under 20 in happy marriages, but I've also seen mums who've had kids with no thought for how they'll care for them just because they wanted babies and the state gives them (our) money and a house as a result.

It isn't about ypur age, its about the level of planning and responsibility.

I knew somebody who was early 20s with 3 children by different fathers. Got married very young and had number 1 but sadly husband died. Met a lovely man and had number 2 but he was in a fatal car accident. Then met and married somebody else and had number 3. Couldn't believe what she had gone through in such a short time ...

So no … wouldn't judge as you never know anyone's story ...

I’m 20 and I do, but in more of an ‘omg I could never have the responsibility of a baby at this age, well done to them!’ kind of way than a judgmental sort of way. I know of two friends of mine who have young children whilst they’re only 20/21 themselves, and one friend is seventeen and is due her first in a few weeks time. They’re good mothers, especially as one has severe disabilities. Age has nothing on it.

(That’s the child with disabilities not parent!)

I wouldn't judge.