Be honest - would you judge the girl under 20 who has 2 children?

[namechange6678]

Honestly, what would your thoughts be at this?? Especially if the person looks under 20.

Bo, I was 24 when I had my first but looked 15. I got judged quite a bit and it was very hurtful. Then most of those same women went on to have massive fertility problems trying to have their first child in their thirties. I am glad I had my kids young.

Of course it totally happens and all these women did confide in you about their fertility problems, of course.

Yes, not only I pity the poor guy but I imagine he had less say on having the baby and he got stuck!
What rubbish.
Truth is, the buck ALWAYS stops with the guy. He has the final say and if he's chosen not to use a condom, well, he's not very smart is he?
THAT is where we need to educate. So no, no 'poor menz' here.

Of course, every teenage pregnancy is an 'accident'
Except it's not.
So who is raising these young women to believe that they don't actually have to 'do' anything but pop out babies to be taken care of by everyone else? Having a baby, with your hand out at the same time takes zero skill but who is teaching and influencing this as a life plan?

*All the rest who had 2 under 20 had children in school by their early 20s and life was just beginning without any interruption to their careers.

that makes no sense at all - at some point there is interruption in education or career anyway, and some gap on your CV*

Not really. The gap would be in the beginning. None have had any further children so they haven’t had to go on maternity leave in their 20s/30s or 40s.

I’m a young-ish mum. Dp’s cousin is only 14 and has declared she wants a baby asap. Thankfully, she doesn’t have a boyfriend and isn’t close to any boys. I found it uncomfortable to listen to and wished someone would persuade her it’s a bad idea. She has a very romanticised idea of what it is to be a mother and can be quite judgmental.

I don’t think young mums deserve bad credit or judgement. I love being a mother and find it patronising to hear people feeling sorry for young mums “missing out”. Not all of us share the same desires. Nevertheless, it has been a financial struggle for me with only one child, a doting partner and a degree at 21 years old. The baby wasn’t planned and it has been very stressful as we had to finish degree, relocate, find a house, scratch money together for a deposit etc., change jobs, all within a few months of finding out. My life can be difficult and at times I’ve needed extra help, e.g. maternity grant. But I would be extremely hurt if I knew most people were judging me as I’ve worked so hard to create a stable family home when I least expected to be doing so.

I wouldn’t judge a teen mum but I would try to dissuade a girl from planning to become one.

I know mother's who think it fine for their daughters s to get pregnant at a young age. These mother's some times might not have much education or had kids at a young age themselves. They won't say it's not a great idea to have kids at a young age. Also in some area you see nothing but teenage mother's and it seems leave school and get pregnant soon after is a normal part of life.

The reality for many young mothers is that life can be hard due to the lack of money. Dealing with the reality of baby that could be a poor sleeper, constant crier or have health issues. Also the father of the child could be long gone as they don't want a child.
In many cases you see granny/grand dad minding the children because the child's mother can't cope, neglect s the child, wants to go out ect. The grand parents can also be giving financial support to the daughter and the child.

I know a lady who got pregnant at 21 and had 3 kids by the time she was 28/29. As her kids got older she told them I want you to finish school, go to college, get good jobs and travel before you have kids. I want you to have a better life than I did. She spent years being short of money and doing poor paying jobs because of childcare. She retained as the kids got older and now has a decent well paying job. 2 of her kids went to college and now have good jobs. Her 3rd child is in college.

I don’t really understand, why would I judge?

Yes, absolutely, I do judge.

I would be beyond gutted if my DD got pregnant as a teen, or even later without a steady partner.

As my parents very naturally did, I will raise my DC to want more from life.

I got pregnant at 24, and given my circs at the time, it 100% was not right for me. Way too young.

Thank God we have choices.

Yes I would.

I had DS at 23 so not quite as young as we are discussing here.
I've been a single parent from day one but DS and I have had an extremely happy, financially stable, and fun life, full of travel and adventure.
I'm now 33 and having being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I'm so truly grateful to have had 10 healthy years with him, and almost wish I'd had him a bit younger so that I could be breaking this news to a teenager rather than a 10 year old (would still be devastating of course).
I know I'm coming at this from a very different view point, and I truly hope that no one here finds themselves in our situation, but my point is that we never know what's around the corner - I'm grateful for these last wonderful 10 years which we wouldn't have had if I'd put off having him until later in life.

I hate the generalisations on this thread that young mums dump their kids with grandparents and get hand outs. Is this why they are so judged? I always thought- when I was young with my DD, that people who where judgmental and nasty assumed I was a 'slut', but honestly I don't know which is worse.

I relied on my mum for practical advice, nothing more. I did give up education so that I could work- which affected nobody but me, but didn't rely on my mum to let me do so and certainly didn't receive 'hand-outs', never have. She babysat now and again but I know plenty older mothers who rely on help from parents, see lots of them picking up kids from school or helping families out financially still, which is exactly the same thing.

I think the point is that although older parents rely on grandparents to pick up the slack too, of course they do, and clearly not all young parents rely on grandparents, but in the context we are discussing here, two kids by the age of twenty, then there would be a much, much higher incidence of those young parents relying on their own parents and simple not doing it alone as they are unable.

For the simple reason many twenty year olds are simply not financially stable enough to have their own households and support two kids, most can barely support themselves, never mind mature enough to deal what's involved in raising two young kids. In addition often the relationships are totally unstable at that age, so often there is a higher incidence of single mothers.

It doesn't mean there isn't twenty year olds doing it alone. Or there isn't older parents relying on support, simply there is a very high incidence, anecdotally of young parents simply unable to do it alone, and olde parents able.

In addition often the relationships are totally unstable at that age, so often there is a higher incidence of single mothers.

For me, this is the major factor that makes it not an ideal choice. I know I'll get lots of people saying that they had a baby at 14 with the first boy they ever played kiss chase with and they're still married 40 years later, but those stories are very rare (except on MN!). Most people don't still want to be with the same person they wanted at 19 at 29, and that means that the odds of being a single mother are very high - and that's not necessarily a disaster, or even a bad thing, but it does make logistics and practicalities even harder in an already challenging situation.

If I imagine having had a baby with my boyfriend when I was 19 I shudder. We stayed together until I was 24 so I guess I'd have thought it was ok for a while, but the thought of still being tied to someone who was so manifestly wrong for my adult self now...

@Koolbeans
I must be one of those bad mothers she's talking about.
I'm going on a 3 night long holiday without my kids and burdening my parents with them and the youngest is 2!
Although my parents are more excited than I am and I'm also taking them on an all inclusive 2 week holiday abroad 1 month later.
I must be a bad parent who knew?
I also go out and get a tad drunk once a month with friends.
Only just realised it was a crime. Oh well! Good job I don't give a shit what some pretentious people have to say.

My sister had her three children young. She has never relied on anyone but herself and her partner. He works full time and she is a bloody good mum. She very rarely has a baby sitter as well.

So no I don't judge. I was shocked when she got pregnant but there are circumstances.

If you want a career it's much better to get on the ladder first, get to a stable state then take a few months materinaty and go back in at the same level and continue to rise.
Entirely disagree. Sure it’s preferable to have some financial stability, but that is true at any age. Lots of people have babies without a career. It’s such an outdated view to suggest a career must start at 20.

But for your average twenty year old, partnered with another twenty odd year old, and no family support either financially or in terms of housing then there is no career advantage because child care is expensive and even at school kids need wrap around care etc.and with two that's serious money.
Again, this can be true of a 30 year old. And it can also be the case that 20 year olds have that support in place. Looking back to my 20s, having small children would have been do-able for me. It’s up to each person to look at their own circumstances and decide whether it works for them.

It's ok to be supportive but let's not pretend it's a land of milk and honey.

Again, can be true at any age. Also, I’m not “being supportive” I’m giving my opinion on having kids at 20. If you take a career break at 20, rather than at 35, you will be less disadvantaged later in your career.

No.

It was very common for young women to have chidren in their teens where I grew up.

TBh, having had children later in life I can certainly see the advantages of having them younger. They grow up and you are still young enough to start a whole new life and career. I'm trying to start over and build a new life, later in life, with young kids - now that's hard. I'd love to have decades left after they grew up to really be able to focus on my ambitions. (never worked out what I really wanted to do with my life till my 40s).

TBH id wonder why&whats the rush..but id be a fleeting thought,really down to my own thoughts about freedom/opportunities etc..so each to their own but not somethingvid want for my DC

I’d think good on her! I wish I’d have had mine much younger I’d love to have grown up children now.

No I wouldn't. Her choice, her life, and plenty of "young" mum's do an absolutely fantastic job, I'd hope she had a supportive partner and family, and I'd probably feel a bit envious of how much more energy she probably has to run around after the kids. I'm 33 with 2, but look ALOT younger (someone asked me the other week if I was doing my GCSEs 🙄!) And have dealt with judgemental comments and "looks" since being pregnant with my eldest at 28. We own our own house, me and oh have steady jobs, and together over a decade. Walking past 2 older ladies in the supermarket one day while heavily pregnant, I got "tutted" at and heard "it's just terrible isn't it. What chance is that baby going to have? And where's the dad? Silly little girl." Clearly "the dad", my dh, was at work. I was so upset, but had to remind myself that they didn't know my situation. Then I thought actually, even if I was 18, who are they to stand there and judge me so openly, when they have no idea of my circumstances. Young mum's need support, not being put down and chastised for their choices. I also got asked how I could afford another baby "at my age" by a complete stranger, when pregnant with dd2 at the age of 31! Its shocking the judgements younger mum's face, and how others feel they can openly speak to them like rubbish because they look at them like they're still children. When I said "I'm 31, and my husband is 33 and works very hard to support his family" the lady then turned around and told me having babies over the age of 32 is so much more risky, and my baby was probably going to have downs syndrome.... Seriously there are far too many judgemental people out there who could do with keeping their mouths shut and let everyone else life their lives.

I know my sisters circumstance was worse at 34 when her husband left than mine ever was at 18.

Nope I’m thirty and people frequently tell me I look ‘about 12’

I have an 11,8 and 4 year old. Good going for a 13 year old really

I had my first at 16. My mum was too busy working to help out, ds went to childcare like most other children who’s parents worked did. And he had a dad who also looked after him

My friend had two and was married before she was 18. They part owned their house by the time they were 20 and she went to collage and uni while her dh worked and the dcs again were in childcare. Not everyone has lots of help