Be honest - would you judge the girl under 20 who has 2 children?

[namechange6678]

Honestly, what would your thoughts be at this?? Especially if the person looks under 20.

this was the 80s but a newly made friend had 5 by the time she was 20(and her husband to)
married on her 16th birthday in gretna green,(fair way from wales in those days) he was 16 a month before,got pregnant within 6 weeks then had a baby every 9 months after that

she then had her 6th at 39 and is 44 now,the 6th child has neices and nephews years older than him

I wouldn't judge but I'd give some thoughts to the grandmother who would no doubt be the one taking on the brunt of the childcare and babysitting. Including being the backup for when young mum decides she wants to resume her career, education etc.

I've seen too many occasions where young mum says it oh wasn't too bad they still managed to qualify have a good life etc but really it's their own mother who's picked up the slack and had her own time and career curtailed. If the young boyfriend as father of the children is still involved in at times it's his mum doing the main childcare as well.

I just never really see it as young couple aged under 21 with 2 children going it alone. They lean on their parents. Neighbour 2 doors down is in this situation and it's driving her nuts, but she doesn't want to say anything for fear of upsetting her daughter. She has no time to herself at all

I wonder if rhe op will come back and discuss her circumstances now she's asked the question. Because the context on how you're supporting those two kids is actually very important in terms of this question.

Bwekfusth
No, I honestly never drunk enough to have a hungover when I was in charge of my kids. The beauty of having them later means that by the time they arrived, I didn't feel the need to drink enough to get hungover the next day when they were around.

I still don't feel the need to be hungover or go clubbing today, my kids would be mortified to see us in the same clubs.

I actually really wanted my kids, so am really happy to spend time with them for the short time they are little enough to enjoy spending time with us. They will be out with their friends soon enough.

I do judge the parents who think kids are an accessory and are quick to dump them with anyone every weekend to go drinking, clubbing or partying. It's quite sad really. Some of us like ours and enjoy spending time with them for now.

My parents didn’t even live on the same continent as me, never mind in the same town, and my PIL had my children every so often (like once every three or four months) for the grand total of a year or so until we moved to a completely different part of the U.K. So I raised my children myself.

MyDH - which said anything about every weekend? A one off is fine. Actually it's pretty healthy.

Who*

Koolbeans
why do you take everything so personally? You know people can post a comment without attacking you? I don't know you, how would I judge exactly?

You do know it's possible to have a life without getting drunk and getting rid of the kids don't you? Some of us manage to have friends around, go to parties and so on with the kids? I even take my kids on holiday, AND WE LOVE IT! shocking concept I know.
Why is it always one or the other for some posters?

I do judge the parents who think kids are an accessory and are quick to dump them with anyone every weekend to go drinking, clubbing or partying. It's quite sad really. Some of us like ours and enjoy spending time with them for now

I don't think anyone on this thread has said they do this? Where would rhe money come from? You seem to be imagining some extreme social life no one has claimed,

I'm fifty, my daughter is 21. I maintained my social life. She certainly saw me with a hangover. And still does. I worked. As did my husband. Our daughter during the day was with a child minder or at school, the up shot being, not even once was she left with a baby sitter so we could socialise.

She either came with us, or one of us stayed with her, or we didn't go. We maintained our own friends as well as joint ones.

She'd laugh in your face if you said that if i or my My husband went out with friends and occasionally had a hangover meant I didn't care for her or enjoy spending time with her.

Being a parent doesn't mean you can't have a social life, that your life needs to be restricted to your children, in fact having nothing but your children sounds deeply and utterly unhealthy and claustrophobic for all concerned.

You should model good relationships, a healthy balance and that includes going out with friends and having fun.

I don't feel personally attacked as I hardly go out. On the off chance I do, I bloody love it. The sense of freedom, being able to speak to people without being asked a million incessant questions or having to play referee between two small people.

I'm sure you love your kids and have done what you feel is best for you and yours. I feel you find it hard to accept or understand that other parents love their kids just as much but still recognise the need to have some adult time to themselves. It doesn't make them bad parents, it makes them human. I do t feel offended by what you post but you sound more and more superior with every post to the point you are putting people down for their lifestyle choices. I've never had a holiday without my kids but that doesn't make me better than some of my mum friends who have hen do's abroad sans kids. They are ridiculously great mums.

Different strokes for different folks, but please stop playing mother superior. Its not working.

And what bluntness said.

My daughter and I went to a few gigs in her teen years. She loved it and certainly wasn’t “mortified”. We have fond memories of those times. My kids still like spending time with me now, yes they have friends and other things going on but we still enjoy each other’s company.

The thing is two extremes are being discussed here, and I've no idea why.

Of course it's not healthy to constantly leave your kids and go out socialising.

It's equally unhealthy to think you can never leave your kids and can't ever socialise without them.

Neither of these are healthy behaviours. One is not better than the other. They are both unhealthy extremes.

I don't think anyone on this thread has said they do this? Where would rhe money come from? You seem to be imagining some extreme social life no one has claimed

Bluntness I have some very specific people in mind, who have dropped their kids every single weekend at their parents to have a lay-in and be able to go out without kids.

Some do work, some don't and the free childcare seems enough to cover the outings, I don't know.

So in real life, of course these people exist.

I never said you can't have a social life with kids, it's just a different one like everything else. There's nothing claustrophobic about enjoying each other's company, the way it's not claustrophobic to enjoy your husband's company when you go out.

The kids start having sleepovers so young, it's not like you put your life on hold, it goes so quick!

One of my friends who was also a young mum goes to gigs with her granddaughter. They have a wonderful time.

I got drunk at a family event a few weeks ago. My kids were there. So was my partner. It wasn't intentional, just had one too many. I had a bad head the next day. My kids knew I had a bad head. I hope they learn that that's what alcohol can do to a person. I was still able to fully function as a mother the next day and do all the grown up stuff I had to do. I doubt my kids even remember me saying I had a bad head. I'm sure they remember what a good time we all had with my extended family members though.

It's equally unhealthy to think you can never leave your kids and can't ever socialise without them.

there's a difference between can and want.

I am sorry, but when you both work full time and barely see your kids during the week, there's nothing unhealthy about seeing them at the weekend and taking them with you when you go away, or keeping them home when you have friends over.

How is that unhealthy or extreme? It's weird to think your kids get in your way and prevent you from doing anything.

People do judge, they just don't tell you to your face.

myDH I had my DS at 31, have been out in the evening three times since he was born a year ago (though is that still too much for you?) and I think you're being a total arse.

When you see all the threads complaining about a hungovered partner not doing anything with the kids at the weekend, I don't buy the "being a great parent" then

I'm sure they do exist in real life. The point is they are not on this thread. No one is disagreeing with you it's unhealthy. But what's also unhealthy is no socialising without your kids.

Of course it's claustrophobic. It doesn't mean because you have rhe occasional night out without your husband or kids you don't like them.

As said modelling healthy relationships is important. And a healthy relationship is not a high level of dependency that you can't ever be apart, but having a variety of relationships in your life and demonstrating some independence.

I honestly don't know what you mean by it goes so quick. My daughter and I love spending time together. I sincerely hope that never changes, but now when she's an adult I still have a life of my own, as I did when she was a child, a job, friends, a social life.

NewAccount27021
am I supposed to care what you think?

But myDH, you've brought the person who does this every weekend into conversation to back up your point that mums shouldn't go out without their children and should be tied to them at all times.

I too, know someone who drinks every night, and takes drugs even though she has a small child. I don't condone her lifestyle, in so far as I don't associate with her. But people who go out and drink in moderation or socialise without their kids in tow shouldn't be put in the same category. One is healthy and balanced, the other is completely destructive and selfish.

It's weird to think your kids get in your way and prevent you from doing anything.

But who said this? Who said your kids get in the way or prevent you doing anything, other than you? Or is this these people you apparantly know in real life again who aren't on the thread?

not doing anything with the kids at the weekend

I think that's where the issue lies. Most people can moderate having a social drink and doing stuff with their children too, they arent mutually exclusive

I honestly don't know what you mean by it goes so quick.

I mean that there are very few years until they start doing their own thing and don't need you, are away at the weekend, or simply can be left alone whilst you go away.

If my kids want to holiday with us, they are welcome to do so age 15, 25, 35 or later, but I wouldn't expect them to. It's up to them, not me.

I am sorry, but at 5 years old, you like to go away with your parents. You don't need to show independence at that age.