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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Be honest - would you judge the girl under 20 who has 2 children?

598 replies

namechange6678 · 04/06/2019 13:04

Honestly, what would your thoughts be at this?? Especially if the person looks under 20.

OP posts:
Asta19 · 04/06/2019 19:15

Oh FGS. I said clubbing "on occasion" like two or three times a year! In my early 20's. I wasn't out weekly glugging back champagne!

Koolbeans · 04/06/2019 19:16

Bluntness - I appreciate your reply. I personally wouldn't have been able to handle the pressure of having kids young but I admire those that do. A few people I know has kids when they were teens. When I told my mum my 18 year old friend was pregnant, she too said it was too young and that my friends life was wasted. I'm certain my friends parents felt the same. But her and her family adapted, they were supportive of her and she has a loving husband, both for good jobs and now have a total of three kids. They are extremely happy and I'm proud of her.

Bwekfusth · 04/06/2019 19:17

Really, @myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling? You've never been hungover in charge of your children? Never been out, left them with a babysitter and had a bit too much to drink? Oh, do get off that high, high horse. Are you one of those mums that think having some time away from your children is akin to neglect and if you do so you clearly didn't want children in the first place? Hmm

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 19:17

Gosh, why are you so angry? I don't think any woman on this thread has said parents at any age shouldn't go out twice a year, in fact it's the opposite, it's very sad if that's all they can do but would like to have more of a social life Ie watching their friends out and they can't.

PortiaCastis · 04/06/2019 19:17

I was the girl who gave birth at 18 so no I wouldn't judge.

Ginger1982 · 04/06/2019 19:18

I wouldn't judge as such but I might wonder about her life choices and why she thought having 2 would be a good idea. But then maybe that is judging?

I wouldn't think she was a bad parent as a result. I'm sure there are terrific teen mums and crap mums in their 30s

Asta19 · 04/06/2019 19:19

Sorry Bluntness, myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling is continuously making digs at me and it's pathetic. Sadly you can't block a particular poster on MN.

silvercuckoo · 04/06/2019 19:21

My mum had two by 21. Never dropped out of university because of having babies, graduated with a first in a STEM field, built a fantastic career, is a great and loving mother and we have a fantastic relationship. Wasn't in the UK though, here motherhood seems to be a much bigger impediment.

Koolbeans · 04/06/2019 19:22

The people I know who still go clubbing/gigs/pub are in their 30s now. Not gonna lie, I would love a night down the pub with my friends but a) I truly ever get chance these days and b) I'm a complete lightweight Grin

It doesn't bother me that when my mum friends get a night out they relish it. But their kids need not be pitied at all, they all have good kids.

NewAccount270219 · 04/06/2019 19:22

I think there's so much assumption of a relatively privileged life on this thread. On the one hand, as several pp have said, teenage mothers who still achieve a lot educationally and career wise are disproportionately middle-class ones with considerable family economic support - ie not typical ones. However, the assumption that if you don't have children young you'll spend your 20s at university, travelling, having a carefree social life and building a great career is also not actually how most of the population lives - it's a very middle class model, and again often depends on having a parental economic safety net. That's not what most teenage mothers' lives would have looked like whether or not they had children.

In general, I think people attribute too much to children when considering how their life turned out. Lots of women seem to think they'd be multimillionaire CEOs living a life of luxury if it weren't for those pesky kids - see any MN thread on childfree people. If you compare most people's lives with their peers - their actual peers, the people with the same opportunities and advantages/disadvantages as them - then having children, or the age at which you do it, of course has an effect on the course of your life, but it isn't the be-all and end-all that a lot of people on this thread are suggesting.

Koolbeans · 04/06/2019 19:22

Asta just ignore the shitty comments. They'll fuck off back to their nunnery soon enough

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 19:24

Asta, kool, Thanks.

Asta19 · 04/06/2019 19:25
Smile
WyfOfBathe · 04/06/2019 19:27

My mum had me at 19 and overall I had a very good childhood, so I know that young parents can be great parents.

However, my mum often says that she wishes she'd graduated before having me. She was at uni when I was born and did graduate, but it was hard work being a student and a mum. I'm glad that I was able to study and be a young adult without being responsible for a baby. From that POV I might feel sorry for her, as much as I know that many young mums are very glad that they had their babies young.

Sizeofalentil · 04/06/2019 19:31

No, it's down to her. She might judge me for having my first at 34.

Yabbers · 04/06/2019 19:38

Not a bit. I’d be envious. I’m an older mum and have left it too late to have another. I wish I’d had DD much younger.

Far from being a disadvantage, taking a career break or working PT as a youngster would mean I’m less disadvantaged at a time when I should be being promoted.

bmbonanza · 04/06/2019 19:39

I had 2 before 20, why is it a problem?

dannydyerismydad · 04/06/2019 19:42

Nope. Not at all. I work in a nursery school where children come from incredibly varied backgrounds. Age has no bearing on ability to parent.

I'm in awe of some of the younger mums. They really have it all together. I couldn't have done it at that age (I was too busy falling out of bars and clubs).

MrsDrudge · 04/06/2019 19:46

No I wouldn’t.
So easily could’ve been me.

zsazsajuju · 04/06/2019 19:48

I probably would to be honest. I wouldn’t say anything or treat her any differently but it would not be the life I would want for myself or my daughters and I generally think you’re better able to parent when a bit older.

StarlightLady · 04/06/2019 19:50

Hats off and big hugs to all young mums everywhere! Flowers

zsazsajuju · 04/06/2019 19:53

Also I think the stats are that younger mothers massively correlate to poor outcomes for kids. That’s not to say some young parents aren’t great but generally I would say older women are in a better place financially and emotionally to have kids.

NewAccount270219 · 04/06/2019 19:58

Also I think the stats are that younger mothers massively correlate to poor outcomes for kids.

Again, though, on average they start from a different (and worse, in terms of material resources, educational engagement and job prospects) than women who choose to have their children when older. It's not really comparing like with like.

Lovebeingmama · 04/06/2019 20:00

I had my first at 44. I think people judge me for it. Sometimes its assumed that I was too busy earlier in life and selfishly had a child before it was too late. They don’t know I was blessed after battling infertility for over 12 years.
Mums get judged about everything, being too old, too young, being a sahm or working full time....it goes on.
I wish I were a young mum with more energy sometimes!
All mums should feel blessed for being able to have a child though, no matter what their age is.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 20:04

Far from being a disadvantage, taking a career break or working PT as a youngster would mean I’m less disadvantaged at a time when I should be being promoted

I know people are trying to be supportive but this goes too far.

To be able to afford two kids before the age of twenty, and then start the sort of a career where there is a career ladder and you can afford child care and wrap around care is very difficult without support from a family or a partner who is high earning.

The likely hood is it would count many people out of the career ladder till about thirty and when wrap around care isn't required. Then it's retraining etc and starting from scratch.

If you want a career it's much better to get on the ladder first, get to a stable state then take a few months materinaty and go back in at the same level and continue to rise.

Of course it can be done, as said, with the right support. But for your average twenty year old, partnered with another twenty odd year old, and no family support either financially or in terms of housing then there is no career advantage because child care is expensive and even at school kids need wrap around care etc.and with two that's serious money.

It's ok to be supportive but let's not pretend it's a land of milk and honey.

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