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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Be honest - would you judge the girl under 20 who has 2 children?

598 replies

namechange6678 · 04/06/2019 13:04

Honestly, what would your thoughts be at this?? Especially if the person looks under 20.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 18:43

i May, it depends. Do,you have a home, a partner, can you both financially support your children?

As a base level I'd also feel sorry for you, I'd think you were so very young for such responsibility , and now is the time you should be being carefree and finding out who you are, looking out only for your own happiness, growing into who you are as an adult.

If you are single parent, different fathers to the kids, no stable relationship, and living off benefits or your parents, I'd wonder what had caused you to make these life decisions and yes I'd probably judge at that stage.

I wouldn't judge you to be a bad parent unless you demonstrated it. It would be more about your life choices and how difficult having two kids is, how expensive, how tying it is and at such a young age.

Butterfly3005 · 04/06/2019 18:44

@breaker what a horrible thing to say! I had my 3rd child at 20, I am now 31 and my children are happy and healthy, and lead a fullfilling life.

Asta19 · 04/06/2019 18:46

Those who had children under 20 would you be happy/encourage your children to do the same

I certainly wouldn't have encouraged it no. If it had happened I would have supported DD in whatever she decided to do. As it turns out she's 28 and no sign of wanting a child any time soon! My DS is 29 and he's not interested either at the moment. However I wouldn't "encourage" DD to be much older either. As I think that comes with it's own issues. So to answer your question, it's up to my DD when (and if) she has a child. It's her life, not mine.

Koolbeans · 04/06/2019 18:48

Well said Asta. I often wonder why the fathers aren't judged as harshly. In the event they fuck off before the baby is born or not long afterwards, where are the threads judging them for putting themselves before the children they created?

Conversely if a Male had two kids by the time he was 20 and stayed around to support them through their lives, do people automatically assume they will never amount to anything. Or is it just the woman that is to be pitied?

Everyday sexism.

Halftermcoming · 04/06/2019 18:50

Young mother does not necessarily mean absent father either.

I hear many older women say they are glad they waited to become a mother. At that moment with a baby. Maybe. But they have another minimum 18 years to go of being a hands on mother. Feeling good at 40 with your first baby is not the same when your mothering a pre teen in your early 50s.

NewAccount270219 · 04/06/2019 18:53

I wouldn't think anything much about it. It's emphatically not what I would have wanted for myself - there is absolutely no way that I'd have really considered continuing a pregnancy at that age - but people don't have to want what I want! I don't think it's that hard to wrap your head around the idea that different people make different decisions.

I do think this thread (and all young parent threads on MN always go this way) are a bit weird in the refusal to accept that statistically economic and social outcomes are on average much worse for teenage mothers and their children than older mothers. A few contradictory anecdotes don't change that, and nor does wishing it wasn't true.

myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 04/06/2019 18:53

Conversely if a Male had two kids by the time he was 20 and stayed around to support them through their lives, do people automatically assume they will never amount to anything.

Yes, not only I pity the poor guy but I imagine he had less say on having the baby and he got stuck!

teyem · 04/06/2019 18:55

*Conversely if a Male had two kids by the time he was 20 and stayed around to support them through their lives, do people automatically assume they will never amount to anything. Or is it just the woman that is to be pitied?

Everyday sexism.*

That's not cricket. You can't ask a question, answer it on other people's behalf and then call them out for being dicks.

Koolbeans · 04/06/2019 18:55

The 'poor guy' made a choice and knew the risks involved when having sex. Again with your patronising tone. Its tiresome.

Koolbeans · 04/06/2019 18:57

Teyem - seems to be the theme of this thread. The woman is to be judged/pitied by some. No one has mentioned feeling that way towards the father.

myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 04/06/2019 18:57

Koolbeans No one is patronising, someone asked a question, I replied.

If you don't like the answer, don't ask the question or move to another thread?

Halftermcoming · 04/06/2019 18:58

As a young mother, you sense judgement. But with that comes a certain ambition to improve your position. A drive and optimism. Young mothers have all the physical benefits of being young too. And can find learning easier.

teyem · 04/06/2019 18:58

Yes, not only I pity the poor guy but I imagine he had less say on having the baby and he got stuck!

Oh well, you rather proved kool's point, I'll stand down.

Koolbeans · 04/06/2019 18:59

No myDH, I asked the question, you replied and you come across as patronising. Poor guy? Really??

myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 04/06/2019 18:59

teyem
I feel sorry for both, if you prefer the wording.

myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 04/06/2019 19:00

yes, really Koolbeans, I do feel sorry for any teen with a child, or for the child when the "parents" are the ones going clubbing all night.

But I don't assume that all younger parents are that shallow either...

Koolbeans · 04/06/2019 19:03

So an adult who has kids isn't allowed to go clubbing ever?

JaneGlorianaVillanueva · 04/06/2019 19:03

I would have done before but then my sister became that person.

My mum and my nana were embarrassed at first because we're "not that kind of family, and what must people think!?" But it goes to show that you dont know anyone circumstances so I wouldn't judge now.

Koolbeans · 04/06/2019 19:05

Fyi I don't go clubbing as it's not my thing. Certainly wouldn't judge anyone else for doing so and practically all my friends have children now. In fact many of them still go clubbing. Ooh and gigs. And to the pub. Or is that frowned upon too?

myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 04/06/2019 19:06

yes Koolbeans parents are entitled to go clubbing, they are entitled to spend a day hungover when dealing with young children, of course... they are entitled to go on holidays without the kid, they are perfectly entitled not to be parents at all... sigh

and this is why I feel sorry for the kids

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 19:07

Conversely if a Male had two kids by the time he was 20 and stayed around to support them through their lives, do people automatically assume they will never amount to anything

I think they are judged just the same really? Or I personally don't differentiate between the genders. If a father was unable to support, didn't have a home, had two kids with different women by the time he's twenty yes I'd move into judging him negatively.

If however he could home and support both his children then I'd be the same as I said for th female. I'd feel sorry for them to have such responsibility at such a young age.

Kids are hard, they are expensive, they are tying, as well as all the good things.

Alsohuman · 04/06/2019 19:08

Young mums rarely display the kind of martyrdom I see so often on MN. I can only see that as a good thing.

Koolbeans · 04/06/2019 19:09

Well you needn't myDH, the kids are loved and cared for and looked after properly and that's all that matters.

Koolbeans · 04/06/2019 19:10

Also - I am sensing a lot of martyrdom on this thread.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 19:12

I really don't understand where all the money is coming from for people under twenty with two kids to go clubbing, out to gigs etc. It's not martyrdom, kids are expensive, to house clothe and feed two kids is not cheap, and for someone at twenty to afford it and also to be off to gigs and clubbing etc I think is unusual.

I maintained my social life when I had my daughter, but I was twenty eight and continued to work and had the disposable income. A very different scenario, to two kids at under twenty,

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