Be honest - would you judge the girl under 20 who has 2 children?

[namechange6678]

Honestly, what would your thoughts be at this?? Especially if the person looks under 20.

I know a few women who had children under the age of 20. One was a sister of a friend who had 3 at 20 and was pregnant with her 4th.

She had married on her 16th birthday and her and her husband set out to have a large family.

Husband worked ft.

All the rest who had 2 under 20 had children in school by their early 20s and life was just beginning without any interruption to their careers.

I think they might have the right idea.
A friend said being faced with looking after 2 children whilst still a teen herself gave her the impetus and kick up the backside she needed.

By the time she was 32 she had a fabulous career.

For some who have the maturity it is the best idea. For others I think they could struggle

It annoys me how so many posters try and use their examples to justify why having 2 kids before 20 is okay!

Ur one example. I’m glad ur still with the father, I’m glad ur no on benefits, I’m glad you have money...

But that doesn’t erase the fact that most people who have kids that young are reckless, struggle to get qualifications, feel excluded from age mates, break up with the father and are supported by the tax payer/ parents.

Judge? Certainly not.

All the rest who had 2 under 20 had children in school by their early 20s and life was just beginning without any interruption to their careers.

that makes no sense at all - at some point there is interruption in education or career anyway, and some gap on your CV.

I also know someone who had her children in her early 20s, 3 close in age before she was 26... I met her at antenatal classes when I was expecting my first - she was 39 when I met her and pregnant with a surprise 4th same father as the older children (husband), contraception fail and they'd decided to keep it (now her, in her teens, siblings all adults although one sibling has additional needs and also still lives with parents).

The best laid plans and all that... The child with additional needs born when the mum was 24 already meant long term expectations of being "free" in their early 40s were no longer likely, which probably made the adjustment to having a toddler around again and no freedom less of a jolt.

I have a cousin who's 19 and currently pregnant with her third, I wouldn't say I've judged her, it's not something I would have wanted for myself at that age and it has shocked me because she was so young when she had her first. But she's doing really well and her children are well looked after so I don't think there's any reason to judge her

the problem with a career only after kids is that if your partner turns out to be an abusive jerk or gets sick or dies, you don’t have the ability to step back into lucrative work. It’s incredibly risky to be that dependent on anyone.

Good mothers come in all ages. And what has how old they look got to do with it? If they are mature, loving and caring what’s the problem?

It’s hard work, but that’s a seperate issue.

namechange6678 do you and your husband and child have your own house or flat? Or do you live with your children's grandparents?

That makes a difference IMO - young parents with one child making the best of it living with the baby's grandparents is fair enough, but getting pregnant again in that set up seems like taking the piss or very irresponsible.

On the other hand if you're an independent household earning enough to pay your own way parental ages are irrelevant.

Tbh parental ages are irrelevant if you're living with parents too - getting pregnant a second time if you're not independent of your own parents is irresponsible whether you're 19 or 39, but hopefully rare for older parents!

Talking about failure to launch rather than traditional Chinese 5 generation under one roof or rural Bavarian farming family or adults whove moved back to nurse an elderly parents who can't cope alone arrangements obviously!

We can all pull anecdotal 'evidence' out. Of the three girls I know personally who were 'gymslip mums and made a success of their lives had one thing in common. They came from a stable non-divorced family backgrounds with both sets of (grand) parents willing to help, share the child care, support the girls through A levels and university, and onto masters. None of the girls were thrown out, they all retained family support and a roof over their heads.

The younger mothers who I come across in my professional path haven't had support, their life panned out (no pun intended) as you would imagine. No educational or career aspirations, multiple children by multiple fathers, a smattering of DV thrown, substance abuse and actually it's all pretty grim. Sadly in every single case their children, now upper primary and secondary pupils themselves show all the hall marks of a dysfunctional back ground and will undoubtedly repeat the pattern of their parents and grand parents. They are also more prone to the A/D Syndromes - ADD, ADHD, AHD, ODD etc. It is to be pitied.

I had 3 dc at 19. I had my eldest at 15 (obviously unplanned), married at 16. I finished school with good gsces but took education no further then
Fast forward to now, we are still married 21 years later, have 6 dc - eldest 22, youngest 5. I am 5 weeks away from completing my primary school teacher training, and have secured a teaching post for September.
This post does make me sad - I never realised how much strangers and acquaintances might assume about me and my family.

A girl I know has three at 20. She’s a lovely girl and she tries her best, but she finds it hard.
I was young having mine. I had two by 22, but my circumstances were different and I’ve never struggled with parenting. I’m in my 30s now and my girls are growing up. I’m very glad I had them when I did.

I'd feel sorry for her. All that responsibility at such a young age.

Unless I knew how she came to be in the situation (I don't mean how she got pregnant), then I wouldn't judge.

@teyem

We should be teaching our kids that they can try to fly if they want to.

Well there you go. I seem to spend a disproportionate amount of time telling my youngest that he can not fly so step away from the edge
Your post made me laugh.

I have a couple of questions. Those who had children under 20 would you be happy/encourage your children to do the same?

Also, those saying they have good careers at a young age can I ask what that constitutes? I think it takes a while to build up experience,find what you're good at etc. So I am genuinely wondering what good careers can be had at such a young age.

I had a child at 20. I qualified as a solicitor at 26. I’ve had more children since. My first born is soon to graduate from university.
You have a level of energy and optimism when you are young that I think slowly disappears as you get older.
I’m loving this ‘second stage’ of motherhood with my eldest. She is an adult and I am still early 40s. I will also hopefully enjoy many years of being a grandparent when the time comes.
You are only a ‘young mother’ for a few years really, then you’re just a ‘mother’ like anyone else.

Some of the comments on this thread are at best, degrading!
I had four, 3 children by 22 and now 4 at 28. I didn't miss out! I had a family that loved and supported me. My first three were to a man who abused me and took away my childhood. However, my parents made sure I got it back! They love me and my kids. Now I'm at uni, doing a degree and planning my doctorate! By 36 I'll have a PHD, four wonderful children, a home and the rest. I've had so much life experience and its given me empathy, intelligence and a better understanding of the world we live in. I won't judge those who have never been in my shoes or grown up with a view through rose tinted glasses. Life doesn't always plan out the way we want it. Its lucky if you are shielded enough to not have traumatic experiences. I have huge respect for those who do and still manage to triumph! I know I have. This year I secured a place In the one of the best universities, passed my driving test, brought 4 wonderful human beings up and overcome a horrible illness that'll carry with me for life. Lack of experience is what accumulates judgement!

Really I think we're all saying that it's less about the age of the mother and more about circumstances. I think maturity level is a factor but I also don't think you can underestimate personality. Some people are more driven than others. Parents or not. The women I know who had children young and haven't achieved in a career sense, would not have actually had a different life if they'd waited. They were never going to go to Uni, travel the world, or be high flyers. And that's ok. We can't all be those people because who would work in care homes or be teaching assistants or any number of necessary worthwhile jobs. On the flipside, as I say, I know a number of older mum's who either don't work or have a job that doesn't require a degree. It's actually a bit sad that the measure of "success" of a mother is what career their child ends up with.

I always find the 'you get to be completely free in your 40s' argument for having kids young a bit weird. You know what the easiest way to guarantee being free of child care responsibilities in your 40s is? Don't have children. I don't really understand the mentality of wanting children but also wanting it over with so you can be 'free' and get on with things asap - having children isn't compulsory, don't do it if you're counting down the days until they're gone!

In practice it doesn't actually seem to work that well for most people, as young parents often become young grandparents who then need to provide a lot of help. The only women in their late 40s who are changing nappies on a regular basis who I know in real life are the ones who had children in their late teens/early 20s, and whose children did the same.

And if I’m totally honest I think ‘some’ older women are resentful when they see a successful young woman with children.
Physically, young mothers bounce back very well. And they can make very good mothers when their child is going through the teenage years and their mother is only in their 30s.
Honestly, I could not imagine having a child now in my early 40s and going through the teenage years when I’m pushing 60.

If my own had two children under 20 I would be horrified.

Most 20 year olds are stilll in education therefore unlikely to have a career, stable home, wages, savings etc and are just giving used to be an adult. The chances of the relationship lasting at that stage are very slim too.

I'd hope they wanted more out of life at 20 and wouldn't make such decisions until more secure and able to finance them.

It's actually a bit sad that the measure of "success" of a mother is what career their child ends up with.

it makes perfect sense on the contrary. If you can't raise children to be happy, successful and independent, you are doing something very wrong.

There are so many thread about people miserable because of the lack of money and opportunity, putting up with shit jobs, shit bosses, horrendous neighbours, bad properties, feeling low because of their look even... no one wishes that on their children.
Money in itself is not enough, but it's the way to get a happy life.

I wouldn’t judge due to age.
However I would struggle not to judge based on circumstance.

A 20 year old with a stable life/ partner and the ability to financially manage (even if it’s tight) totally fine.

A 20 year old who is still out every weekend in town, doesn’t work and has a challenging domestic situation... yes I could help judging a little. Mainly based on the 2 kids tbh, with one I always try to be as empathetic as possible (even if the circumstances are awful) as accidents do happen.

The chances of having 2 genuine accidents in a short space of time are rather small though, so if a young parent who was unable to provide a basic/stable life had 2 children I would consider them quite irresponsible!

I could not imagine having a child now in my early 40s and going through the teenage years when I’m pushing 60.

it's a good thing, because if you do the maths...

(A partner is not needed to be a good young parent, just an example of a stable home life. Could equally be single and settled)