AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

@mbosnz

The whole purpose of this forum is to determine if you are being unreasonable. I think that explains enough why I want to know.

My username means "unwanted soon to be x husband"

OP, some people have said yes, others no. There is no way to determine categorically whether booking childcare should always be your wife’s job. That was evident hundreds of comments ago. This obviously isn’t the only purpose of your post, because otherwise you would have stopped posting and got on with your very busy job.

Hercule the point of his post was to gather an army of female cheerleaders to tell him what an unreasonable, spoiled wife he has. He's painted her in as shoddy light as possible, even planting seeds that she met someone else at one point for maximum she-devil factor. Instead of saving the marriage which he refuses to allow the wife to move on from whilst the kids are out of the equation, he's sat in a foul mood on holiday with her, evidently so given his aggression towards certain posters.

ustbxh

LOL, you don't think you're being unreasonable, you just wanted to have people validate your position, and to have a really good go at anyone that doesn't!

Seriously, you're devoutly worshipping at the feet of Our Lady of Perpetual Martyrdom. You're both miserable, you're both resentful, you're on a holiday which is supposed to have the aim of exploring whether reconciliation is possible, and you're on here, bitching and moaning about your wife and life. That really should answer the question of whether reconciliation is possible - this is where your focus and energy is.

God I was in my pyjamas only post csection . Probably about day 3 and the midwife on a home visit had a go at me as I didn’t have a bra on. Mainly because the ones I purchased didn’t fit.
So lounging around in pyjamas for sahmp

No lunging around

Lounging. iPad hates me.

It's really sad that you're not prepared to stop the cycle of resentment and blame. All you need to do is start listening honestly to your wife. When she says she is unhappy, don't argue back or get angry. Just listen. Try saying encouraging things like "I understand." Let her talk.

After a few weeks of that listening (and not being an arsehole) you might find her behaviour changes towards you.

If the person you love is unhappy, it's not a personal attack. Get that through your head and you might be able to save your marriage.

Two days later and you're still raging about one bloody mistake your wife made? I'd think my DH was unhinged if he was still so upset about a mistake this minor two flipping days later. Maybe it's the straw the broke the camel's back for you but you are blowing this way out of proportion and wasting energy that could be spent on whats left of this holiday and attempting to repair/discuss where you both stand in terms of this relationship.

Let. It. Go.

I agree with PP. What is your goal for this holiday and this marriage? Do you want it to be a disaster you can blame your wife for or do you want it to be a success?

OP

I did feel quite sad when I read what your username means, you sound genuinely sad about the state and loss of your marriage.

If you had started a thread saying my marriage is over please help me come to terms with it, I think you would have got the support, the guidance and good advice to move on. As it is, you have started a thread about a small mistake your wife made and made yourself look like a nitpicking, entitled bitter man. It is no wonder you responses have been harsh. You are focusing on the micro issues to avoid the bigger ones.

The quicker you can come to terms with the end of your relationship the better it will be for all of you.

Your wife says your separated, so why are you still living together?
You seem to be caught up in a really vicious cycle of blame and shame.

Move on with dignity, with kindness, and know you will always be a part of each other's lives, you have children, but the relationship doesn't work in its current form.

I've been away for a day and catching up. What I am seeing is the repeat of is she unreasonable for not booking an afternoon nursery slot in time. yes or no. You've had a number of yes or no's now and still it goes on, accompanied by quite a lot of "my SAHW has it easy. and I wish I could have things that easy"
A lot of people on here have tried to explain why she might not see it that way and some have actually given quite useful insights into her side of things, and also how the general tone of your comments may be putting her back up .
Reading your posts, you seem to take offence at most of it, snapping at people and telling them to F* off. which also says a lot about your tone.
Sorry, you may not see it but it does come across that you are angry and resentful of your wife and that you are unwilling to let an argument drop.
If you genuinely wanted her back, you would be maybe commenting on exploring how to talk to her, how to move forward, how to rebuild whatever affection is still left. Trying to think about forgiveness, what you still have in common and letting go of resentment would seem like a logical first step, but there isn't any mention of that sentiment that I can see in your posts.

You don’t seem to want to accept or understand any of your own failings. You say all of the right things, but in the next breath obliterate that by subconsciously revealing the hidden contempt that you really feel for dw and her role.

The worst thing is you genuinely can’t (or won’t) see the obvious - How all of this must be affecting your wife. You are so absolutely determined that you are right, you will not consider that actually, you really do have a part to play in all of this. You’ve even started a thread hoping to prove that you are in the right, which is certainly not a conciliatory act. If you truly wanted to improve things you’d have forgotten this, apologised for your snarky comment and moved on. In a normal marriage it would never have been an issue in the first place.

As for your original question, when your dw mentioned that she hadn’t got around to doing it, did you even think to ask why or offer to help as a supportive partner would? Or is it just ‘her job’?

I think possibly the assumption that none of this is anything to do with you and the fact that you are still trying to justify your obviously poor behaviour and attitude is the issue, not who should be doing what.

For goodness sake you are both parents, instead of arguing over who's job it is, just get on and do it!

@ustbxh perhaps you should change your username to @stbxh!

Same username, he's just tacked 'unreasonable' onto it

@Notabedofroses

I am fully accepting that my marriage may be over. The first thing I told my wife when she told me was that we'd be mature about it and work it out. I want to resolve our issues, but presuming that's not possible / wanted by her then I would like to get divorced ASAP. I suggested we sell the house ASAP to make the process less drawn out but she wants to stay in the house (which costs an absolute minimum of 3k/month to run) with no form of income other than from my salary.

I'm not moving out when I don't want this.

So yeah, maybe I am bitter.

I think you should divorce her and move on with someone who appreciates you more. Sounds like such a shit existence in a marriage like that.

@LuaDipa

There are various posts on this thread of me accepting I'm to blame for a significant portion of our issues.

It's not a case that we'd never discussed the child care for our holiday. It was discussed months ago, and regularly since. We often discussed about having to remember (for her) to contact nursery. We both forgot. Yes it absolutely was unreasonable for me to "throw it in her face" that she should have done it two weeks ago, but that's not the point of this thread. I am fully accepting that my behaviour has plenty of room for improvement and I'm under no illussions that saying things such as I did only contribute to our issues.

I'd never ever suggest that our marriage getting to this point was her fault, she was to blame or anything else. We've both failed in our relationship and we've both handled the issues very differently which have exasperated the issues.

The only difference between us is that I'm very open and want to talk about issues (ideally with a therapist jointly) and she has (and never has in our whole relationship) ever had an interest in talking about emotions and emotional issues.

I've been very clear throughout this thread that I appreciate my wife being a SAHM, I don't think it's easier than work (as a direct comparison but that's not how life works) and that I'm absolutely a significant part of our issues.

For you or anyone else to suggest otherwise is clearly not fair.

If we don't constantly question our own actions how can we ever better ourselves.

This thread has been enlightening. I clearly see that I should have handled this differently, which I knew, but also quite how SAHM don't seem to necessarily appreciate that men also feel they sacrifice a lot to enable SAHM to be a feasible option.

SAHM don't seem to necessarily appreciate that men also feel they sacrifice a lot to enable SAHM to be a feasible option

In our marriage we focus on mutual benefit and gain, rather than sacrifice, of which we both know that we both have made quite considerable amounts. Perhaps that focus on the positive and the team/pack unit is the difference.

Actually, must ask DH what he thinks he has sacrificed, that would be interesting!

Yes it absolutely was unreasonable for me to "throw it in her face" that she should have done it two weeks ago, but that's not the point of this thread.

Why is it worth pages and pages of argument for you to be proved right on one tiny aspect of a tiny part of a microscopic facet of your relationship? Is being right so very important to you? More specifically, being told you're right by women.

Actually, must ask DH what he thinks he has sacrificed, that would be interesting!

DH would say having me and DD has made his life immeasurably better. He chases raises and promotions even though we don't strictly need them. And we keep him sane and healthy.

He's one of the statistically average men who live longer and are happier married with children. Fortunately I'm an outlier woman, in that I'm not unhappier and less healthy.

DH would say having me and DD has made his life immeasurably better. He chases raises and promotions even though we don't strictly need them. And we keep him sane and healthy.

I think that's what DH would say too, but it would be really interesting to have that conversation!

I've watched this thread from the outset.
Luadipa makes some excellent points.
OP if it weren't for a few different details, I would think you were my husband. (We have been married for a little while longer than you).
We decided that I would be the SAHP, jointly, a long time ago.
I gave up a good career, my independence and a lot of other parts of my life to bring up our children and support my H in his pursuit of promotion. I earned less, so it seemed a sensible decision at that time.
He too worked away a lot and put in very long hours when he was home. Still does.
However, after we made that MUTUAL decision, my H frequently made little digs about how easy I had it, how I sat around drinking coffee all day, etc etc etc etc. He didn't see his clean, fed, well cared for children, he didn't see the washing, ironing, cooking I did. Those things were just there. He "acknowledges" my contribution, but it isn't sincere. Not when in the next breath he calls me lazy, questions what I do all day and TELLS me how lucky I am that I can be at home. I do appreciate my life but I tend to go on the defensive when he makes these comments. My resentment has grown over the years. He thinks I have it easy. He doesn't see that I have lost my confidence, have very little to offer an employer and the logistical nightmare it would be to have a job whilst trying to still do all the activities, pick ups and keeping everything going that I would still have to do because he just won't/cant. I did actually try and work 5 days a week, but with no help from him it was really hard. (BTW he thought he was helping more than usual, he really wasn't).
Rightly or wrongly, I do see the children and the house as my job. Arranging childcare would be included in that. On that point you are not unreasonable. (Yay you!)
If I forgot to book the nursery, my H would be like you and snipe at me for it. This would be a little snipe to add on to the thousands of other little snipes he's made over the years. For our marriage it has been like death by a thousand tiny cuts. There are other reasons but this is a major factor. I think I am done... Could your wife feel the same?
Do you snipe like that? Could you perhaps see that her feelings for you have probably died a little each time you've had a dig, told her to shut the fuck up or lectured her about how lucky she is etc?
My H also says he knows he's at fault, but if I try to talk about it he just shouts me down, lectures me or talks over me. They're not the actions of a man who wants to work at his marriage.
Have you done that? Has she just given up?
No one is in your house, observing how you are as a couple. No one on here knows what's really happening with you and your wife. But could you take a step back and really be honest with yourself? Does any of the above chime with you?

Are you going to book for childcare for the holiday, or shall I

Not rocket science ffs.