AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

You really are an odious piece of work. I can imagine the sneers, eyerolls and condescending comments you give your wife when she refers to her business. So irrelevant was it to your mind that you didn't even think to mention it earlier. I hope you increased your wife's pocket money on this holiday as she bloody well deserves a few extra drinks.

When will SAHM get it into their heads that a lot do it because they want to and not because they have to, to "let" their husbands have a career.

When will we realise that you
are right about our thoughts and experiences? 12th of never, I’d imagine.

Do you think you need to separate out your failure to have a career that you enjoy that funds the lifestyle your family enjoys from your frustration that your wife is not the SAHM of your dreams?

Oh, and let's remember this is the lifestyle you wanted for your family, and you enjoy also.

She does one or two clients a week doing nails or spray tans. Doesn't contribute financially to the family with that money, and as a family we subsise the cost of her business. Its very much a hobby which has some income.

Someone call a plumber we got a major leak here 💦💦💦💦💦💦

She wants out, let her out and give her some space. You are not a nice man and are probably going to manipulate a representation of this thread or posts that say she is wrong to make her feel worse.

We should stop enabling you.....

@BlueEyedPersephone

Evidently missed the part where I said I would fully support a divorce if she initiated it. If she's adamant she wont try to resolve our issues I want a divorce ASAP but she won't discuss it, as I've said various times in previous posts.

I don't need anyone here to tell me I could have been a better husband. I'm very aware of that fact.

This thread has and never will be about me being right it's about understanding of I was unreasonable to assume that childcare admin fell to a SAHM. Not if I was right or wrong for assuming so, but if, in reality and on basis of majority, it falls to SAHM. And that is a resounding yes. Absolutely I've fucked up in this particular situation but I always knew that and that's not the issue at hand.

I think maybe people should calm down because nobody really knows what’s going on between these two people, do they?

ust - your wife definitely sounds to me as if she needs some external help, whether she realises it or not. Even if you do go your separate ways, she needs to talk to someone at some point.

I was abused as a child and sometimes repressed memories are triggered when you have your own DC, or they reach particular ages. It’s quite astonishing and also sad that she’s never opened up to you before now. She sounds very emotionally detached, from the way you describe her.

What also stands out for me in this thread is that if I was in your situation now, the 20 pages of this thread would have been, “My DH says this / acts like this / this is what he says / why is he like this / this is how he acts when x happens / what could be going on for him / what could he be thinking?? But here there seems to be no mention of your wife’s behaviour or motivations at all. We are just told flatly that she wants a divorce; she wants you to move out and that’s it? No sense of her mood or personality whatsoever.

As for the SAHM cost / benefit analysis - there’s no point trying to quantify this. There are pros and cons to working. Pros and cons to being a SAHM. You facilitate her, yes. But she facilitated you in s different way. She’s given up some choices (ie financial independence / opportunities) and you’ve given up other opportunities (flexibility to be with your kids more). As I said, it is what it is. She can’t blame you; you can’t blame her. It’s a waste of energy. Ultimately, the reason you have organised yourselves like this is because it made most sense for your DC - so that they haven’t had to go into childcare. You’ve both made sacrifices, just different ones. Try and remember that you both made choices; there are obviously downsides to every choice ; but you did it to the same end - your DC.

If she's adamant she wont try to resolve our issues I want a divorce ASAP but she won't discuss it
By not talking about it she is demonstrating that she isn’t trying to resolve it, so why don’t you want the divorce ASAP?

If you don’t like your job why don’t you try and change it?

@Safiya7

Yes she definitely needs to see someone. I cna only hope she does.

My wife's behaviour literally has not changed from the day of her telling me we're separated. Maybe that's telling of our relationship. The only significant difference is she doesn't say "I love you" or give me a kiss when she or I leaves the house. Other than different beds, nothing at all has changed.

For instance, my DH is honest to the point of blunt mostly, so when we got engaged, he told me that I’d se had kids he wouldn’t want me working because he thinks that DC should be with their mum and this is very important. That’s it as far as he’s concerned. So while I can certainly see that some people would call that sexist or controlling, at least he wsx being clear and owning it. At least I knew where I stood and that he was unlikely to be changing the goalposts at some point in the future and then blaming me. As it turned out, I didn’t want to hand over my DC to other people either, so it suited me. I did have a career, not as high earning-potential as his, but on paper we were both have MSc qualifications. But I’m not going to moan about what I “gave up” because I did it with my eyes wide open in the context of my marriage. Life is too short for regrets and recriminations anyway. No point in “What ifs.” Similarly, if he now started moaning about me having a privileged life etc, he quite clearly wouldn’t have a leg to stand on because he has done what he felt he needed to do so should just own it and get in with it. Do you think I could have stopped him? So what I’m saying is, playing the blame game like this is a wasted emotion because usually it’s “six of one and half of the other” (or whatever the English saying is)!

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis

I do want a divorce ASAP if she won't or can't put effort into fixing it. But I'm not going to instigate something I'd adamantly against

1. So you're suggesting I should go and take a 50% paycut without my wife agreeing to it and forcing her to go and immediately find a job and even if she worked full time we'd be significantly worse off. Pretty sure that's not the right thing to do.

@Safiya7

Its interesting you said about a privileged life. I absolutely think my wife has a privileged life, and I'm very proud of that fact. I'm proud that I've been fortunate enough to have been able to find work which provides a salary which enables my wife to be a SAHM and that she hasn't had to go to work, which I know she absolutely doesn't want to, and I'm proud of the fact I've been able to give my children a full time parent. So so many of our friends struggle to run their home with two full time working parents so to be able to liven a luxury life and have a SAHM is an absolute privilege. I'll never accept anyone telling me that being a SAHM is anything other than a privilege. Regardless of how hard it is or how tiring it is, it's an absolute privilege to be able to be a SAHM because so so many women don't get that opportunity.

That is not to sya you love a privileged life, but being a SAHM is certainly a privilege.

I am actually shocked at you @ustbxh
You are unreal, you are bitter, jealous, and angry because you wife will not bow down and kiss your arse because she should consider herself lucky to be a SAHM, all because of you!

You utter prick, no wonder she hates you. I hope you understand she is entitled to stay in the marital home until both children are 18, with full Child Support and Spousal Maintenance, because her career prospects in increasing her business has dropped to allow YOU to progress in your career.

I hope your STBXW reads this thread, poor woman living with a weasel like you.

@Xmas2020

But.... She absolutely is lucky to be a SAHM. If I wasn't willing to spend 75% of the year away from home she would have to work. She would need go go out 9/5+ 5 days a week, she wouldn't have thr opportunities to buy expensive home items, or go on holiday with her friends, she wouldn't have the freedom to spend excessive money on our childrens shoes and we'd not be able to go on 3 holidays a year.

As it happens, this is a conversation we regularly have and decide we like these benefits. It's a compromise we make. Sometimes I might feel under appreciated and I'm more than aware she does too. This is not an issue and never has been in our relationship because we talk about it very often.

For what it's worth her earning potential has increased since we've been married and she's being a SAHM because we've (as a family) paid for her to do courses. And I'm absolutely aware of my child maintenance and spousal maintenance obligations and I have no issues with those at all.

Seems like you're the bitter one here.

Bring a SAHM is a privilege for any woman who actually wants to be a SAHM. For other women, it would be sheer hell.

Being a man like my DH is also a privilege (can’t speak for you obviously). Even though he moans about work a fair bit, I know full well that he would have done exactly the same thing if the DC and I didn’t exist. So yes, he provides for us and I’m very grateful for that. But he knows that he is free to go where he likes at the drop of a hat. That’s a freedom I don’t have. It’s a different mindset. I have never left him with the DC overnight because I don’t feel as if I can do that.

Yes I have freedom in the day when the DC are st school. But he goes on about 8 car racing or cycling holidays in a year where I would feel guilty doing that. Again, different mindsets, different “privileges.”

Also he has the kudos of having built up and sold several companies /associated peer respect / connections. He’s an entrepreneur so he lives and breathes what he does. He could have done what he’s fine without me me, yes. But he couldn’t have done what he’s done and also have three happy, secure kids who he never has to worry about. That’s about the crux of it. So yes I’m privileged (with associated pressures) and so is he privileged (with other associated pressures).

I guess he’s proud he’s facilitated me not to have to work. I’m proud I’ve facilitated him to have a family alongside a successful career. It’s not a competition anyway.

You're really quite dim aren't you. If your wife worked, depending on her hours, you would possibly have to facilitate it by doing school pick ups, take equal responsibilities for the 'admin' you refer to (parenting tasks) and she wouldn't be in a position to enable your 75% of the year away from home thus your earning potential would be less. It's because of her sahm role that you are able to have your working one.

Also in DHs culture, a mother being with her children is default - it’s not seen as “privilege.” If a man can’t or has any issue about supporting this financially, then they would say he had no business having kids in the first place.

Yes this may seem sexist because it prescribes more rigid roles for men and women. But it least it stops people using their position as a stick to beat the other with and there’s far less “woe is me” on either side.

never had an interest in talking about emotions and emotional issues

When younthrownthings back in her face .... I wonder why??

@Sagradafamiliar

Read the thread before calling someone dim. I do not want to do this job. It is not a career. I only do it for the sole purpose of providing for my family. My wife does not want to (/won't) work. In 2012 I earned 45k in 2014 I earned 75k in 2017 I earned about 100k in 2019 I earn about 130k the only reason is to find my increasing outgoings.

As said previously, when I'm at home I do almost all child things. I take them to school, cook them lunch and dinner, my wife goes to the gym I look after our youngest during the day.

I'd love a job at home paying 50% of it meant I could see my kids every day.

We loved in a perfectly nice 3bed house for 6 years, my wife decided last year she liked a house around the corner, we doubled our mortgage to buy that.

She didn't go and earn the money to pay for that, she didn't work harder with the kids, but I now have a much much higher salary requirement of I ever want to change jobs.

Such narrow minded views here it's unreal.

@Safiya7

I suspect we're from different cultures, but I agree. Children should have a SAHP. Many can't and I don't judge on that, but I do feel that it's a privilege in the current society to be able to be a SAHP. I don't want my children raked by a nursery or child minder. But I see so so many of our friends who sacrifice so much as a dual working family. SAHM should absolutely be appreciative of what they've got.

I find your way of thinking about marriage and parental responsibility very alien and a bit sad. You both seem very unhappy. Personally I think it’s a fundamental part of being a father, husband and partner to make sure the model you are living in is satisfying and happy for ALL of you. How are you doing that?

Yes but husbands should conversely be appreciative of what they’ve got, if they want a SAHM and have a wife prepared to be in that role, Many women would simply refuse to do it full stop, seeing it as a restriction, not a privilege.

There are millions of women who wouldn’t SAH for any DH or amount of money. They couldn’t cope with it - it would drive then stir crazy or to depression or worse. Or maybe they just want something different out of life. Different priorities? Not all women are cut out to be at home. You can’t assume.

This thread has and never will be about me being right it's about understanding of I was unreasonable to assume that childcare admin fell to a SAHM. Not if I was right or wrong for assuming so, but if, in reality and on basis of majority, it falls to SAHM. And that is a resounding yes.

Errrmmm it was a 'resounding yes' because you deliberately misled everyone by saying your wife is a SAHM when she's actually a WAHM which totally changes things.