AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

Just because you work - 40hrs a week? - does not make your wife responsible for the children 168 hours a week. Agree with this.

So many threads on MN every week it seems, wittering on about who has it “hardest”, SAH or WOH. But this is a pointless debate - every time! As if all jobs are equal stress fgs. Is a 20 hour shift in A&E “harder” than a routine office job?

You might just as well have endless debate on who has it harder, a builder or a dentist? Well it depends doesn’t it. Some people would find the building work harder, others couldn’t cope with dentistry. The whole premise of the debate is utter nonsense because there is no standard WOH job and every SAHP situation is different too.

I don’t compare my role to DH’s. It’s not a competition. Nor do I care about all this faff about the semantics of the term “job” - is SAHM a job or not? I don’t bloody care what people want to call it! It’s what I do and it is what it is.

Could I do my DH’s job. No - I wouldn’t understand it and I couldn’t cope. Could he be at home with 3 DC for 15 years? No - because he doesn’t have the patience and would go crazy. So that’s that.

Whatever role you do, it will require a particular kind of resilience. A job is more than a list if tasks. Being a SAHM is more than a list of tasks too. you are How “hard” is is depends on your tolerance for different kinds of stress and your individual resilience. It’s like comparing apples with pears otherwise.

I think the two of you need to discuss the issues here.

It’s very unfair that you have to work a job that you don’t like, yet she gets to be a SAHM mum through choice.

I was a SAHM for a couple of years and it’s nothing compared to a full on job with a commute.

I hope his wife stumbles across this thread and sees exactly what she's dealing with. The abusive traits are so clear ('she didn't take to mothering him', 'she gets to spend £400 to piss up a wall if she likes, lucky her', 'she has childhood issues') and the aggressive tone- this is the shit he throws at her in every argument no doubt. Seeing this, and the fact he has no intention of respecting her wish to leave the marriage in black and white might give her to push she needs.

What’s this nonsense about telling your partner to do your washing and clean the bathroom !!!! Seriously???

How did you do these things when you were single and working?

I feel so sorry for people living within this grim dynamic.

Just because you work - 40hrs a week? - does not make your wife responsible for the children 168 hours a week.

And yet OP has never once said this in fact said the complete opposite!

itwoukdtakemuchmorethanthis

Clearly you haven’t read the thread and at best the OPs posts!

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend
I was responding to @CrumpetyTea ‘s post

There was a PP who asked sarcastically whether it was the SAHM's job to wash the OP's skiddy pants- bluntly yes- washing falls to SAHP and you don't get to pick and choose- its not that the SAHP is doing the WOHP a favour . I am fed up of this situation in my own life where I keep having to ask my partner to do the washing /check its clean/change the bed linen/clean the bathroom as if it a favour for me when its their job!! Part of the job is knowing what is needed and when.

You’ll find it easier to keep up if you read the thread, hen.

She should have arranged it but she didn't.

Now you gave a problem and I'd expect you both to work together to find a solution. Instead you're playing a blame game and presumably being petty at her saying she hadn't done her job.

That kind of squabbling instead of support is why your marriage might be heading for divorce. I expect DH to have my back, not snipe at me when I make a mistake.

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis

Hen, wee lassie if your commenting on someone else’s post other than the OP, then “tag” that username

It saves the confusion, since you were responding to a post over 30+ comments ago

and I can tell you now. WOTH is NOT the 'same' as SAHM unless your work lets you spend the day in your jimjams. Have a cuppa when you fancy it , pop out for lunch/coffee when ever you wish and sneak off for a nap during down time.. ? Sorting out a bit of childcare is and setting up some direct debits is not the equivalent of running a departmental audit. Browsing the web to book a family holiday is not the same as spending 8 hrs on data input.. doing the family shop does not compare to order picking against the clock. The whole argument that it's 'harder' - is just bollocks. It's longer , for sure but there is more than enough down time to compensate.

Your experience of being a SAHP is clearly very different to mine. What fucking down time? My DH gets a lot more down time in his full time job than I do in my day as a SAHM to toddler twins with disabilities.

I’m not sure what pyjamas have to do with anything - the reason I’m often in pyjamas is because I don’t have time to get dressed. The thought of 30 mins to spend in peace having a shower and getting dressed sounds like absolute heaven. I work very part time and when I do have to go to meetings, getting dressed and travelling to them is my down time.

Pop out for lunch or coffee whenever you wish? Christ, I wish. This is nothing like my life!

I do wonder how some people actually get through life.

It’s not a case of, “Wash my pants!” If you are at home and doing the laundry, surely you just put in what needs to go in? You don’t sift through laundry and select items that you will and won’t wash . Same with ironing. I wouldn’t iron the DC things or my own but leave DH’s shirts out. Either I’m doing the ironing or I’m not. If I don’t want to do it for whatever reason, I’ll hire someone else to do it.

Oh and after a tearful chat with DH (I’m having a very hard time coping with the boys at the moment), he told me that he is so grateful that I am their mum, that they have a mum who puts them first every single day and does everything I physically can for them and that he wouldn’t be able to do it. He appreciates me, and knows I have sacrificed a lot financially and personally to give them the best start. Does OP sound like the sort of DH who appreciates his wife and tells her so?

Does OP sound like the sort of DH who appreciates his wife and tells her so?

I think you’ve summed up what a lot of people have been trying to say

It’s all bout him, what he does, how easy she has it, how he can’t do X because she’s at home, blah blah blah

He has no empathy and looks to blame her when things go wrong - she didn’t want to go on this holiday in the first place, wonder if she had any input? obviously not booking the childcare was her way of burying her head in the sand over not wanting to go.

Yet he still points the finger - this was all sorted and rearranged prior to him posting, yet he wants justification that he’s right to a blame her, she did wrong, she forgot, ..... god I hope you divorce and give that poor woman some peace.

I do think there is a contradiction on this thread tbh between what the OP actually says (in terms of words), compared to the whole purpose and underlying vibe of the thread.

OP, this is how it comes across to me. You say you feel your wife’s SAHM contribution is sufficient and you realise that having one parent at home is best for the DC and makes economic and practical sense for your family at present. All very reasonable on the surface if it.

You say you don’t expect her to do all housework and understand her main focus should be the DC. Again, who can argue with you on that.

But then the whole premise of the thread seems to be you trying to work out if she’s doing enough, or the right thing. You focus on this one task but clearly there is a lot more to it than that. It’s as if you need to compare her and what she does / doesn’t do to other women. Either you’re genuinely confused or you are one of these people with controlling tendencies under a veneer of reasonableness.

You say that you understand that you’be had a part to play in where things have got to, but you never mention how or why.

Do you really think you are to blame in any way?

I don’t mean to be goading here, I’m just saying how it comes across.

You clearly feel she has a good deal financially thanks to your efforts. This comes across very clearly. It also sounds as if you think she doesn’t appreciate her situation, nor is she grateful for it.

I wouid hazard a guess that, despite your words, your wife knows full well that you’re not happy with her and that you think she should be more grateful to you, etc. Maybe she should do more to show appreciation to you, maybe not. Without knowing her it’s hard to say. What I would guess is that perhaps she feels trapped. Trapped by your expectations of her (however reasonable they are), trapped by the arbitrary or petty “performance measures” that you may apply to her - and she wants to scream and run because as “financial provider ” she knows she’s beholden to you and has to engage with your rationale and belief in your own reasonableness and your perception that you are providing her with “privilege.” Even if she is privileged, you can be privileged but still feel trapped. It can get very claustrophobic. When you both feel misunderstood, the blame game starts and you drift further apart. This is why you both need counselling!!

@GreenTulips

Infact I appreciate my wife very much for her SAHM. The issue is simply about that one question. I'm more than aware we have plenty of other issues with the the marriage.

I didn't cause an argument over this and I did simply say I'd sort it with my parents. This AIBU was never off thr back of an argument or anything, just a simple flippant comment by my wife in the heat or the moment and it got me wondering if Infact it was unreasonable.

Quite why I get so much shit because I say my wife gets 400/month I don't know. I'm essentially being criticised because my wife has chosen to budget our money. She budgets to the extreme, every penny is accounted for and it's great because it means we save significantly more than if we didn't. She controls and chooses how much "pocket money" we get each month it has literally just nothing to do with me.

@Safiya7

I think you're the only sane one here!

More or less what you've said is correct.

I am trying to work out if she does enough I guess.

Im just so confused that I'm trying to understand anything and everything.

Right now, since she's told me she is separated, I feel so used, and trapped also.

I am sure she feels trapped. I'm sure she would have left years ago if she'd been financially independent.

I do feel a level of responsibility for where our marriage has got to but after dc2 she changed significantly. Neither of us coped with dc2. For many reasons. I have always been open and honest about this fact but she in complete denial about it.

Right now divorce seems like the best open shirt term but I do genuinely feel we can fix it.

I think you're the only sane one here!

Those crazy women.

I am trying to work out if she does enough I guess.

Why? In what way does it progress things, or improve matters to determine whether she does enough?

What is the metric you use to measure this?

How objective and dispassionate do you think you are in determining this?

What is going to change if you determine she does not do enough?

I am currently a SAHP, and yes, I have a very cruisy life. Both girls are school aged. My husband reckons he has a pretty cruisy life. Apart from doing some of the cooking, which is a form of relaxation, he doesn't lift a finger inside the house or out, on the whole. We appreciate each other's input. We completely share our finances - there is no 'my money', or 'your money', there is only 'our money'. We don't sit around all day trying to decide who has it hardest, feeling sorry for ourselves because we don't like what we're doing, or bitching and moaning that the other person hasn't done their job. (Okay, sometimes I feel a little sorry for myself when I'm feeling very homesick. Alright, a lot sorry. But he knows I never blame him or resent him for it!)

Yours doesn't sound like a very happy house to be living in, most importantly, for your children, because the atmosphere between you two must be fairly toxic. If you can't improve matters (generic you, you and/or your wife), then maybe you will have to take the initiative to dissolve the marriage and move on with your life, regardless of her preference.

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend yup sometimes people do that if the comment isn’t already being discussed. Generally though people who suggest you rtft, don’t do so unless they had. Going off half cocked always makes you look a bit daft. So now you’re up to speed do you agree that skid marks and cleaning bathrooms are part and parcel of being a sahM or is it more that they are often done in between childcare as a kindness to your partner? (Nb there is nothing “wee” about me)

You are saying a SAHP should be grateful and appreciative of their position? I strongly disagree I think the SAHP has the more difficult end of the deal and I say this as someone who has predominately worked. Also take your children on holiday with you it will give you the chance to bond with them in a different way. You say you would like the opportunity to put them to bed etc. So there's your opportunity!!!

@mbosnz

You're looking at this from inside a very happy and content marriage / life. Think about it from an unhappy marriage for one moment and you may start to understand why the little things matter. They don't infsct matter but when things are bad and you're down everything matters.

I'm sick of people judging me on our finances. My wife budgets. We prefer to save over spend, but given how hard we both work we also deserve some "unaccountable" money. That is our pocket money. Other than the 400 for her and 250 for me, everything else is shared. Why is that such a terrible thing?

We don't sit around all day either talking about who has it harder. That's never ever been the point of this thread. And clearly we both have jt hard in our own ways. But it's not a competition.

The rule in our house is whoever is supposed to have the kids is responsible for sorting out childcare during ‘their’ time with them. I’ve had a hard time getting my husband to adhere to this but mostly just refuse to get involved with anything he does on his watch. I just don’t understand what your wife was expecting. Were you supposed to harass her with questions about whether she had booked yet and eventually just taken over or something? She sounds quite unreasonable to me.

As a sahm whilst the youngest hasn't started school yet, I do feel resentful when it's implied life is easier. It isn't, it really isn't. You don't get any downtime, usually because when your child has a nap, you're rushing around fitting your chores in. Sometimes it really p*sses me off when my dh says he doesn't want to do anything during the weekend "cos it's his time off", however, because I know if I wanted a lie-in, night or day out, he'd actually step up and he's probably had a hard week, sometimes I let him be a lazy slob.
He's always more than willing for me to relax or rest. It's not an obligation for me to do his stuff for him...but I do it because I want to. He is actually a full hands on dad and has comfortably fallen into the 'good cop' role with ease.
To imply that beacuse you're working, your partner has it easier is insulting. Saying that, i'm responsible for taking care of all nursery and school payments, meetings etc. If and when i'm working, it's more than likely I still will be. She probably knew she'd made a bit of a mistake, she didn't need you to spell it out for her in a bit of a mean (albeit true way.) Since having kids, I know how stressful the slightest thing can be and you can fall into the habit of sniping at each other. It's hard trying to make the time to enjoy some downtime together. Usually you just cba.
Enjoy your holiday, especially as you'll get a much needed break. Hope it all works out for you.

There is no rule for who has it “harder”. It depends on lots of factors.

@ustbxh
Believe me, there has been ample potential in our married life for it not to be very happy and contented. And there is plenty of shit that could stick to either of us if the other chose to pick it up and hurl it. We don't choose to do so. It would profit us not. Which is not to say that sometimes we don't have a good row. Clear the air!

I say again - in what possible way is it constructive to determine whether your wife is doing 'enough'? Would you be less unhappy? Really? Would your marriage be happier?

Personally, I think you are very frustrated, angry and resentful, as you say, feeling trapped and unappreciated. I think you use MN to vent your spleen at SAHM's, perhaps in a way you can't or won't at your wife.

(Interesting user name by the way - so you used to be an ex husband? Is that what it means?)