AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

@hopingforhappiness

Yes I am probably an awful lot of those things you highlight. I really have not helped this marriage. I've had catalysts from her which have made me dig deeper and create issues out of nothing.

My wife didn't give up a career, rather she gave up a job she absolutely hated. There are lots of reasons my wife should appreciate being able to be a SAHM, but as is clear everyones life is different. I can absolutely understand the issues a SAHM feels if she gave up a career and life.

hoping - I’m sorry to read your post, I know I sound like a broken record, but have you tried couples therapy?

I ask this because my DH doesn’t snipe as such, but he employs a lot of people and had a tendency to remain in “director mode” when he’s at home. So it’s constantly, “Can you do this,” “Have you done that,” with no awareness that I might have other admin or things to do that day because I don’t burden him with the kids stuff or my agenda. Also he is from a culture where it’s the norm for women to have a quite distinct role eg around serving the men food etc. So even though he definitely respects me in the role of his wife and his kids mother and he will say this, there are certain expectations because these ideas run deep. On the other hand, in other areas, there is nothing he wouldn’t do for me. He’s generous to a fault, respectful and 100% honest.

He’s in no uncertain terms a workaholic and his personality is one that being in perpetual stress mode is the norm. It also makes him very hard to challenge. Because of this, I feel like I was frequently walking on eggshells and trying to keep the atmosphere calm for the DC. This is the draining SAHM role for me - not any individual task. It’s emotional and psychological. Anyway, to cut a long story short, one day I just snapped. I said if he didn’t come to couples’ counselling with me, I wouid leave him. (I’d already been in therapy for a year at this point which had given me awareness if my own needs / mind as separate to his and the DC). He came with me and after 2 sessions, has apologised genuinely for how he’s been making me feel. He says he never fully understood. He still gets stressed, but I don’t feel he expects me to carry it all for him any more. I feel like we’ve turned a corner. So this is why I’m going on about therapy on here!

Being at work was way, way easier

You must have a very easy job.

OP, YANBU. Of course her being a SAHM doesn’t mean you never deal with the kids but things like sorting nursery, home admin etc is surely part of the SAHM role

I've had catalysts from her which have made me dig deeper and create issues out of nothing.

So, it's all her fault again, huh?

@Safiya7

Im desperate to go.

I went to individual therapy about a year ago and loved it, I got so much out of it. She went to individual therapy at the same time and hated it.

You must have a very easy job.

I've worked in homelessness, addiction, mental health, getting threatened, screamed at and dealing with multiple overdoses, some fatal, calling the emergency services frequently. Witnessing assaults, being a witness in court. Dealing with fires, self-harm, smearing of vomit, shit and blood. For shockingly poor pay.

Super easy. Oh and several years of that were night shifts.

Staying at home with DD was tougher. I love her desperately but it was harder.

Staying at home with DD was tougher. I love her desperately but it was harder.

bloody hell, some people should never become a parent should they

Yes, people with no empathy who insult the parents of children with SEN online. They should t.

ust - it sounds like she’s scared or defensive about something? Maybe she had a difficult childhood? Maybe she’s just not that way inclined?
Maybe if you start to talk about selling the house and a separated future becomes more of a reality to her, she might give it a try? I mean what is she planning to do in that event? I’d try anything to keep my family together for the sake of the DC. Maybe phrase it like that?

Maybe she thinks what's the point, because she knows she's just going to get talked at, and her words twisted, and he's going to make all the right noises and make her out to be such a bitch, and she really can't be bothered?

Morondela - different people have different skills. Some are better with babies and others with teens.

Some are more suited to their job than others. V variable.

@Safiya7

She sadly had a horrible childhood, I don't know the vast majority but I know it was horrible.

I told her I didn't want to prolong separation, I view separation as engagement. You either commit to divorce / marriage or you don't. You cant be separated with no intention of divorce.

She wants to stay in the house and live off child maintenance / spousal maintenance / her small income from her business.

That’s quite telling actually OP - that she had a terrible childhood but hadn’t even been able to talk to her husband about it. Maybe she’s shut part of herself off as a defence? It sounds very hard. Could she be depressed or unwell?

Would she still want to separate if you insisted in selling the house and dividing the proceeds?

My H refuses couples or individual counselling. He is not of a different culture, more a very privileged and entitled upbringing by a very cold mother and ineffective father.
His job is very stressful and I am not treated like an employee. He would never speak to an employee like he speaks to me! I have made allowances for his heavy work load, I don't expect him to do a jot in the house. (Not the bins, admin, garden or DIY). If he can choose to speak respectfully to his staff he can afford me the same courtesy at least.
OP, job, career, doesn't matter. My comments and questions still stand. FWIW I hated my job/career, it didn't make it any easier to listen to my H denegrate me for undertaking the rôle we mutually agreed on.
On the face of it, you seem to expect her to be deeply grateful to you for facilitating her ability to stay at home. Examine your posts a little deeper and it's difficult not to assume that you have little respect for her. Indeed, the contempt you have shown to some posters here makes me think that that is how you are in your home, to your wife.
Again, I don't know, but can you step back and consider whether that's the case?
I might be projecting massively here. I apologise if my assumptions are wide of the mark. But your posts have a very similar tone to my H. I can picture him going on and on about a tiny detail, when our marriage is actually falling apart. He has admitted he will do/say anything to win an argument. You starting a thread about a tiny issue, quickly sorted, suggests that you are similar. You wanted to win, no matter how petty it seems to others. It's a very wearing trait. I am totally exhausted with it, perhaps your wife is too?
I'm amazed that you have spent so long replying and analysing everyone's answers, when you are on what might be a "last chance saloon" holiday. Then again, no I'm not amazed, this is precisely what my H would do...
There are no winners in this situation. It's very sad.

her small income from her business.

She runs a business?

I am no counsellor, but op (I can't call you by your username now I know what it means) have you ever actually spent time talking to her about childhood and the impact that it could be having right now on your marriage and family?

Personally if I were you, I would be sitting down and finding out every last detail, because it could be the key to her feeling more trust in you, and feeling safe enough to share things with you. I can't quite believe that you have been married, and have two children and yet you have no idea who you are living with.....what made her the woman she is today.

I say this as person who had a difficult relationship. My dh can trigger me and does regularly. He knows about my past, and knows what can upset/hurt me. I don't like people standing too close to me, or shouting or being near a corner for instance. What do you know about your wife? The little girl she once was?

You don't need a counsellor to care enough about to find out what her childhood was like.
You don't need a counsellor to be kind and loving, to cut her some slack when she messes up.
You don't need a counsellor to see her as equal to you in every way.

If your wife has truly had the childhood from hell, then you need to know. In addition the closing down is very common, so some of her feelings may not be because of you.

I didn't even want to get married or have children, for me this was a huge undertaking.

I don't know if it is too late for you to start to know her better, to gently ask her to open up, to trust you. I don't know if you have done anything to hurt her to cause this situation.

Stop talking to us, and start talking to her.

Wait! WAIT!
I missed the small business part! So she's not a SAHM?
She WFH AND looks after your children. Singlehandedly, whilst you're away?
Like I said before, my H will say anything to be right. OR he will omit vital details to help his case...

@hopingforhappiness

She does one or two clients a week doing nails or spray tans. Doesn't contribute financially to the family with that money, and as a family we subsise the cost of her business. Its very much a hobby which has some income.

It's absolutely not relevant to this topic.

stbxh

“Not relevant to this topic” - like about 99% of what you have posted?

@Notabedofroses

I've always known she didn't have a fun childhood but it's once since she told me we were separated that she's shared any of the relw issues of her childhood. Beyond the fact it was terrible, I really don't know much. I would sit and listen forever if she would speak but she won't. She can't talk about it. She has no desire to talk about the past "because you cant change it" is her mentality.

@herculepoirot2

Or 99.9% of the comments

ustbxh

Erm... You have given the whole history of your marriage. The comments are responding to that.

My wife didn't give up a career, rather she gave up a job she absolutely hated. There are lots of reasons my wife should appreciate being able to be a SAHM, but as is clear everyones life is different. I can absolutely understand the issues a SAHM feels if she gave up a career and life.

Part of the problem here - quit deciding how she should feel!!!! She has a right to feel however she feels about it. It's not your decision!

And did you ever think that perhaps she is feeling that she has missed out on the opportunity to have a career that she loves?

And I see you are still insisting she should be grateful that she's a SAHM.

She does one or two clients a week doing nails or spray tans. Doesn't contribute financially to the family with that money, and as a family we subsise the cost of her business. Its very much a hobby which has some income.

It's absolutely not relevant to this topic.

Interesting how you dismiss her business and talk it down. It sounds to me that anything you don't deem important is not "relevant to this topic."

I can imagine she feels she's zero value whatsoever to you except that of a childminder/childcare 'admin'. No wonder she's backing away from the relationship.

@Gingerivy

No,because we've been together many many year before having children and shes never enjoyed work and absolutely was delighted that I landed a job that meant she didn't have to go back to work.

When will SAHM get it into their heads that a lot do it because they want to and not because they have to, to "let" their husbands have a career.

Gofe me a job paying 50% locally tomorrow and my wife earning 20-30k and ill jump on it. I have zero desire to do my job.

It's so so narrow minded to believe women give up careers to be SAHM.