How to motivate a v chatty boy in class to stop chatting?

[Thelowquietsea]

DS, 8, Y3 is a wonderful soul but just very chatty. He is always talking, always asking questions - which is great, of course, but not when he's in class.

This year he has a fabulous teacher. I think she is just great. However, she and I have had loads of chats about DS who she says is just very chatty at the wrong time. WHilst he's not alone, he's a regular. He's academic v strong, in the top few in the class - she says that whilst he can pick things up after listening half an ear - he's talking to others who need to really listen. So it's really disruptive from that POV as well.

She's done everything - carrot/stick/moving him, talking to him - I feel we've done everything - reward/talk about respect regularly/incentives/punishment/ on and on and on from term 1.

Nothing changes. Or if it does, it's for a short time.

I don't know what to do! It's so annoying. Before anyone wades in with does he have SEN - No, he doesn't at all. He just seems to lack self-control. Or he doesn't WANT it enough or to please me enough!

Aagh. I know he'll grow up and hopefully improve, but any thoughts or tips on how to change this around would be welcome.

There’s a few like this in DDs school - you’ll be pleased to know the other kids tell them to shut the fuck up and call them names - I won’t say what! Y10/11

So unless you and the teachers deal with it, there’s a load of teens waiting to do it for you!

Some kids want to learn and they know full well they can’t focus and concentrate while your child in blabbing on - usually the teacher has covered the answer already and they haven’t been listening. If they aren’t listening they aren’t learning, and neither is anyone else.

I’d suggest you ask the teacher to be a bit stricter and ask for a daily email - I would also let your son see you and the teacher together and show a united front on his behaviour.

I would also try telling him that it is selfish and he needs tot hunk about others and I stand their need to learn is greater than his because he won’t be top sets for long if it carries on, some teachers won’t take them and allow them to disrupt their GCSE classes

@Lweji - I'm sorry, but what bollocks. 'He'll always be the boy who chats the most....he'll never be like all the other children in class.'

So, that's it...we just write off all kids who don't perform like everyone else at certain points? We assume they're doomed.

Honestly, such an irritating and unhelpful response.

Is your DS a compassionate child?

Have you sat down & explained to him that he is robbing his peers of an education?

That unfortunately, some children aren't as naturally bright as he is and they NEED to be able to hear what the teacher is saying, they NEED to concentrate to learn.

Everytime he disrupts his classmates he's essentially saying "I don't care about you or your education, I only care about myself."

Perhaps this needs spelling out to him a bit more clearly.

If he is lacking the compassion to see that, that's very sad.

It’s funny reading, this. On the one hand, you seem determined. On the other, you’re ignoring my question: why are you reluctant to punish him?

It's not bollocks.
It's reality.
It's not a matter of doing nothing. But expecting him to become like my DS is madness, as it is expecting that my DS will start speaking out like most children in class.

The point is that both can improve and be encouraged to work on their behaviour, but we need to recognise their character and get the most out of it.
Madness lies in trying to mould them into being like the average child.

The teacher will have to tolerate some talking by your son and, as much as possible, use it to her advantage, as well as the class.

Someone mentioned encouraging such children to help others with their work and that's an example.

Ok, I will say this again: whilst I fully agree there is a problem, and I am trying my hardest to tackle it on many levels, he is 8. EIGHT. I'm not excusing him IN ANY WAY but he is not at secondary. He cannot be told he is 'robbing his peers of an education.' He will not be able to understand in any meaningful that every time he talks he's "essentially saying, I don't care about you or your education, I only care about myself.'

He won't be able to translate that into feelings. He knows he's wrong to talk because others can't listen and learn. THat's the language we use. That's what he understands. And he's a very compassionate, empathetic boy but no, in the classroom, the impulsivity takes over.

The teacher will have to tolerate some talking by your son and, as much as possible, use it to her advantage, as well as the class.

Rubbish. Not only is that palpably daft - because the OP’s son’s learning will suffer - but the same logic would need to apply to every child in the class. By the time everyone is talking as much they want to, no learning is taking place at all.

@hercule - I'm not at all reluctant to punish him. I told you I wanted to do a daily sanction i.e. withdraw TV, and it was you who told me daily stuff doesn't work.

How much have you dealt with more than one child at a time, or even a class, OP?

Thelowquietsea

I said I think it would be better to remove all his privileges until he earns them back.

But you have 30 EIGHT year olds and he’s the only one doing it and refuses to take action then yes he will be that teen in secondary school

As I've said several times upstream, he is NOT the only child doing it. He is not a stand out. There are other children. I was explicitly told this by his teacher.

So, please read what I've written before you write your posts.

OP?

Would you consider removing his privileges?

I have read what you wrote I know he’s 8, I was just saying what happens a few years down the line when he’s older and hasn’t got to grips with this.

You say you’re strict? Compared to what? The teacher? Maybe he feels he’s more relaxed at school and can be chatty compared to home? Why punish a child at home for things they do in school? Teachers won’t come to you if they know he’s punished twice

He need teaching not punishment - rewarded for good behaviour

I think you want to look at what you’re doing as a parent and give him an outlet for his chattiness - stage school?

Why punish a child at home for things they do in school?

Because you want yourchild to do well at school? My child doesn’t stop being my responsibility when they walk into a classroom.

I think the OP's use of the word 'motivate' rather than a flat out 'stop' is what is behind so many posters asking about the consequences for him of the clown/talky behaviour. There doesn't seem to be any consequences apart from talking to him It is getting him a lot of attention though.

Yes, I would consider, and will, remove privileges. I feel like I'm repeating myself purely to evidence that I'm not soft. Have my posts not proven this?

@ChicCroissant - There doesn't seem to be any consequences apart from talking to him hmm It is getting him a lot of attention though.

This just isn't true. And yes, telling him to STOP hasn't worked. I need to motivate him to stop.

But of course, everyone here is a better parent who would deal with the situation expertly and far better than me

It’s hard to know. There’s seems to have been a lot of talking and repetition of the message, but the problem is, if that talking isn’t backed up by action, it tells the child that you don’t mind that much, because you aren’t prepared to act on it.

I could be absolutely wrong and you might have been putting in place appropriate consequences all along, but I get the idea you are letting him see your conflict and he is exploiting that.

I was like this in class the only thing that made me stop was being moved away to the other side of the room where if I even attempted to speak to someone and disturb them then that's it name on the board and then lines or whatever it is they do this day. I don't even know why I done it I just loved talking and loved school even after I was punished I still did it till I grew out of it I think 🤔 feel bad for my teachers now

He sounds like my friend's son, academically very able and a good all rounder in sports & everything. He struggled all his life with paying attention & chatting at the,wrong time. It was only when he went to year 6 that his teacher suggested he be tested for ADHD. They've now been through the process & he's been diagnosed with it. Now they've put a plan in place to support him and with the right intervention techniques he can easily achieve A* at GCSE.

No magic answers from me. But, I'm also a Guide Leader and a little while ago we had a few girls who just could not stop chatting and it was really disruptive. So, a reward scheme was devised
The reward was based on behaviour over a term, the girls (as a whole group) got either one, two or exceptionally three tokens (or none!)each week, depending on them listening well and not talking over the Leaders. One girl talking at the wrong time would lose a token.
It became a very good way of peer influence as the more motivated girls then hushed the noisy ones.
It meant we didn't tell them off and they got much better at self regulation.
Could something like this work for you on an individual level? Maybe have a weekly reward for achieving a certain level - like a magazine or similar and also a longer term reward - maybe a game or a special activity you don't do often.

One other comment from me - has his hearing been checked?
As a child I was also quite chatty and disruptive, but mine was made worse by undiagnosed hearing issues. I wasn't good at hearing the teacher, so missed instructions and also large parts of what was being taught but was quite bright and inquisitive so directed that energy into being a chatterbox!

Hi OP,

It sounds like his impulse control is still developing and I doubt that a lack of motivation is his problem. The vast majority of kids want approval from teachers and if he is getting told off a lot for it, I doubt that he is deliberately seeking that out but is not able to stop himself.

Our DH is 9 and has the problem that if the teacher asks a question and he knows the answer, he finds it unbelievably difficult not to shout out the answer. He has poor impulse control and it is something which will develop with time and support. We have had him assessed so this has come from a professional.

We are really lucky that his school are fantastic (not in the UK) and very supportive with finding ways to help him.

He has a notebook and pen where he can doodle or write down the answers when he feels the need to say them, he sits next to the teacher in circle time and if he feels the urge to speak out of turn, he squeezes her hand and she does it back to acknowledge his urge which helps a lot.

He has a pair of noise cancelling ear defenders he wears when he feels he is struggling to not chat. He is not forced to wear them but if he feels he is struggling to stay focused he can use them.

I know that these strategies may not be practical in a big class in England but there are things you can do to support him.

Have a look at mindfulness activities to help him with his impulse control. There are loads of techniques you can teach him to help him develop it. Ask him how he feels when he does it and if he has any ideas on how to work on it. If it comes from him, it is far more likely to succeed.

I personally don't think punishment will be particularly effective. We have a reward when he has a good day but no punishment if he doesn't. If it is an impulse control issue, punishing him will only lower his self-esteem and potentially create other problems down the road.

There is an article here sleepingshouldbeeasy.com/2016/03/31/talking-in-class/ which has similar steps to the ones which were recommended to us.

And don't let it get you down.

Maybe he is not listening anymore. He's heard the same explanation a lot now so he's just tuned out? You could try short non fluffy language but it might seem a bit harsh. E.g. you were talking again, it stops other children learning, that is selfish. The punishment is .......
Or, you didn't chat today, let's do ....... on the way home.

You could get him to decide what his own punishment and reward should be (from a list) on a Monday morning then that little bit of control might be a bit more motivation.