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Original poster

How to motivate a v chatty boy in class to stop chatting?

203 replies

Thelowquietsea · 03/06/2019 18:38

DS, 8, Y3 is a wonderful soul but just very chatty. He is always talking, always asking questions - which is great, of course, but not when he's in class.

This year he has a fabulous teacher. I think she is just great. However, she and I have had loads of chats about DS who she says is just very chatty at the wrong time. WHilst he's not alone, he's a regular. He's academic v strong, in the top few in the class - she says that whilst he can pick things up after listening half an ear - he's talking to others who need to really listen. So it's really disruptive from that POV as well.

She's done everything - carrot/stick/moving him, talking to him - I feel we've done everything - reward/talk about respect regularly/incentives/punishment/ on and on and on from term 1.

Nothing changes. Or if it does, it's for a short time.

I don't know what to do! It's so annoying. Before anyone wades in with does he have SEN - No, he doesn't at all. He just seems to lack self-control. Or he doesn't WANT it enough or to please me enough!

Aagh. I know he'll grow up and hopefully improve, but any thoughts or tips on how to change this around would be welcome.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 03/06/2019 21:55

Sorry: am not saying they didn’t not manage.

gingerbiscuits · 03/06/2019 21:57

I totally understand your frustrations OP, you sound like you're well aware of the situation, realistic about your son & working well with his teacher to help him. I'm a Primary School yr6 TA & we have loads of kids like this every year - don't worry!! One of our teachers is brilliant with this & follows the '3 times' approach but just keeps a tally herself every day - no need for actual physical tickets etc. In terms of talking to/interrupting the other children, she often uses 'the talker' to help any children who need it - works especially well if they're able - we usually find that if they're made a sort of unofficial TA (at set times, obviously!), working with a couple of people on a table in the corner, they actually do help & it minimises their disruptive influence elsewhere. Or, if this doesn't work & everything else has been exhausted, she just gets tough...really tough!! Various consequences &/or being sent with their work to a different year group - a lower one - they don't like that much at all!!

Mac47 · 03/06/2019 22:15

I'm not teacher bashing, but I am really not sure why the teacher has not been able to get on top of this by summer term. What you do at home is largely irrelevant - the problem is in school and while I appreciate you are supporting the school in this, he needs immediate rewarss/consequences /actions.
If he cannot sit quietly during carpet time, he needs to sit with no-one next to him. If he cannot work without disturbing others , he needs to be moved to work alone. It does not need to be done punitively, many children recognise they need adult intervention to learn to regulate. E.g., (Tom), do you need to sit at the table over there to have fewer distractions to finish your work? Obviously, he is distracting, but equally, his class mates are to him. He needs to learn how to regulate and he needs to be given strategies to do that, punishment for chatting is unhelpful as the compulsion is too strong to control for some.

CSIblonde · 03/06/2019 23:00

When I was teaching, after trying positive reinforcement & everything else with a similar child I did a keep him in 5mins at playtime every time he ignored 'OK time to be quiet' : & it stopped pretty quick. My Head disapproved, but I think it was a consequence & shock that was needed as verbal prompt's etc get 'old' with confident children. He needs to learn not to be disruptive if he's distracting other children too.

chocatoo · 04/06/2019 00:09

hercule the best explanation I can give is that I had a great boss who encouraged me and praised me. I blossomed - because I felt good about myself, I felt confident to strive to achieve greater things. I later had a boss who criticised me constantly and made me feel bad about myself...i did not blossom under his direction and basically ended up feeling a bit crap about myself and my abilities. So, that's why I believe in reward, not punishment. Put yourself in this little boy's shoes.

Confusedteacher · 04/06/2019 00:20

If was frequently getting reports from my DC’s teacher that they were being disruptive I would be considering punishments at home. Eg take away screen time every time the teacher has to talk to you about him.

In my DD’s school children are kept in at break for poor behaviour, or sometimes sent to another class or sent to the head. What is the behaviour system at his school?

Dana28 · 04/06/2019 00:52

I remember gobby kids like this at school who just had to be the centre of attention all the time so the other kids don't get a look in. It is a firm of bullying behaviour. The teacher seems ineffectual, she needs to pu ish him more harshly until he learns self control

Dana28 · 04/06/2019 00:53

Is he an only child by any chance

Mac47 · 04/06/2019 01:15

Had a bad day, Dana?

SeaToSki · 04/06/2019 01:36

It sounds like he has high levels of verbal impulsivity. Self awareness helps, but that is something that grows as they get older and while it can be encouraged to develop faster, there is an amount that you just have to wait for them to grown into.

What you can do is given them a non verbal outlet for the impulsivity. Figit toys, an elastic band stretched between the legs of his chair to twang with his legs, a list of fun challenge silly questions to work on, but also send him to school physically tired and insist that he is extremely active at all breaks and lunch (set him physical challenges like run 10 laps of the playground at first break). It wouldnt surprise me if his chattiness increases in proportion to the amount of time since he last got to run around.

Look in adhd books for more ideas. Im not saying he is adhd, but just that he has a trait the adhd kids also have.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 07:05

chocatoo

I have. I have also put myself in his mum’s shoes, his teacher’s shoes, the shoes of the other children in his class. The best thing for everyone is that this is nipped in the bud, most importantly so that he can learn and thrive.

Original poster
Thelowquietsea · 04/06/2019 07:29

@Dana28 - thank you for your aggressive, and somewhat pointless, contribution. There's always one on MN threads...

The teacher is brilliant. This is not her fault. She has tried a myriad of things.

I will look at lots of these suggestions. But the record, I've spent most of this academic year nipping it in the bud, but to little success.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 07:36

Do you think he senses that you are conflicted?

The problem might also be the sandwiched delivery of the feedback. I don’t know whether this is the case but, if your DS is hearing “He’s very clever and asks lots of questions, sometimes pointless ones, and this isn’t a problem for him because he can do the work easily, but it is a problem for others”, the message he might take away is “The teacher thinks I’m clever.” Subconsciously, this could be enough to ensure he keeps doing it (everyone wants to be seen as clever).

The message must be unambiguous. Talking in class isn’t clever, it’s selfish and time wasting.

And then praise him hugely when he gets it right.

Original poster
Thelowquietsea · 04/06/2019 07:49

I don't think he does think the teacher thinks he's clever. I think he thinks the teacher doesn't really like him, because she's constantly strict with him. I tell him she does, but she doesn't appreciate his attitude etc.

There is no ambiguity with the message! I can't tell you how baldly I talk to him about it. The gloves have been off for a long time over this.

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/06/2019 07:52

The teacher is brilliant. This is not her fault. She has tried a myriad of things.

Have you watched her in class?

Once they have more than one teacher it will become more clear that more often than not it's a teacher problem.

The same boys who are disruptive in DS's class are more with some teachers than others.

She may well be trying strategies half heartedly, or in fact the wrong strategies.
IME, you have to know what makes the child tick and you have to know them, then choose the strategy that applies.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 07:58

Well, OP, you obviously really want to address this, which is great. The only thing I notice is that the one concrete suggestion from me - take away all privileges until he stops doing it - met with a slightly wishy washy response about not wanting everything to be a battle. Battle has been joined, unfortunately, and he is kicking @ss!

You need to assert yourself as his parent and make it crystal clear how unacceptable this is, by removing more privileges. Until this happens, I don’t think this will change.

Lweji · 04/06/2019 07:58

Oh, could it be that the main attention he's getting is negative?

He needs to feel the adult is on his side. He needs to feel the need to behave in an appropriate way, rather than forced to.
It may be too late in the year, but if she's staying next year, she needs to engage with him and turn the relationship around.
He could feel instead that he's collaborating with her and his school mates.

Original poster
Thelowquietsea · 04/06/2019 07:59

How do I know she's good?

Her reputation is exemplary.
She has a reputation for being strict
She is both passionate and firm
She has had several unjudgemental but very thoughtful discussions with me about DS and how she deals with him and the other kids like him
We have gone through various strategies, all of which she's discussed with me
I've seen and met enough teachers to know how I feel about her

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 08:01

she needs to engage with him and turn the relationship around.

For goodness sakes - does it sound like the teacher hasn’t been engaging with him? Surely he’s getting more of her time than is fair already?

Original poster
Thelowquietsea · 04/06/2019 08:02

I can't emphasise enough how much I believe the teacher is doing a great job. He's not unhappy, he's not feeling he's being victimised over negative attention. He just won't stop talking.

He adored the supply teacher who kept putting him on the reward/praise part of the system - but she was, apparently, very very lenient by comparison. So he got to be a clown/talky AND get rewarded

The problem lies with his attitude, his WANTING, and not with the teacher. I truly believe this.

OP posts:
FenellaMaxwell · 04/06/2019 08:02

I was like this as a child. My teacher used to make a mark on the board every time I chatted or interrupted or asked a pointless question. At the end of the day the lines equated to lines of poetry or Shakespeare that I had to memorise to say the next day. She’d say “let’s see if you still like talking so much when you have to work for it.” It was really effective, both because the extra intellectual stimulus meant I wasn’t so board, and because it was a directly related punishment.

FenellaMaxwell · 04/06/2019 08:03

*bored

Original poster
Thelowquietsea · 04/06/2019 08:04

The teacher has done more than enough. I'm embarrassed by how much time he has taken off her.

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/06/2019 08:12

There will be strategies that will work and it depends on how they are applied.

She may well be expecting too much of him, meaning that everything she tries fails because he won't be as quiet as the rest of the class.

It's not that different from other areas of work where people try "everything" ineffectively.
He will always be the boy who chats the most. She'll have to work with or around it.
He'll never be like all the other children in class.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 08:15

He will always be the boy who chats the most. She'll have to work with or around it.

Dear me, no. “Work around” him chatting while she is speaking or others are working? Why should people have to tolerate him doing exactly as he wants? He’s 8.