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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not telling me he's planning to leave DC at home alone

181 replies

NoTheyAreNotTeenagers · 03/06/2019 14:23

I started an evening course which DH suggested and is 100% behind. The DC used to have a sports club, so I dropped them off, went to my course and DH picked them up. They've stopped that sports club for the summer so I've been taking the 530pm bus on the understanding that DH will be home on the 546pm bus. DC are happy with this, I turn on the tv before I go and they sit and watch until DH is home.
They are allowed tv 5-6pm anyway and generally don't move until we call them for their food.

I just texted him to remind him I'm at my course this week and he replied saying he would most likely be late home and arriving at 620pm.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off with him not telling me in advance? I could have arranged something, but now there's no one I can ask at such sort notice. The next bus leaves after my course starts. He says he spoke to the DC about it last time and they are ok with being left alone until he's there. He thinks I'm babying them (I wouldn't leave them to get themselves alone to school when I had a hospital appointment, took them to a friend's house) and they will be fine. I'm on edge as I think they're too young, 7 and 9.

OP posts:
MrsMiggins37 · 06/06/2019 12:48

YANBU but I agree with the others, they’re too young to be left home alone at all.

Skisunsnow · 06/06/2019 12:53

They're far too young to be left even for that short time normally. What if they don't just sit and watch tv?
Definitely not worth the risk. I'd say it's neglectful.

FizzyGreenWater · 06/06/2019 12:55

All the planning... it's no good.

They're just too young to be safe alone when there's no one in calling distance.

And you are running a risk as if anything DID happen, and they called you, you wouldn't be dashing home from the shop 10 mins away/racing back from the neighbours or whatever else situation which might make leaving them for 10-20 mins kind of ok. No, you would be calling the police/ambulance or whatever, and explaining that your 9 year old had called to tell you there was smoke coming out of the telly or water was dripping from the ceiling or their 7 year old sister had hit her head on something and you'd have to say no, I'm not there, in fact I'm on a bus going in the opposite direction and my DH isn't due home for at least 20 mins...

Um. I wouldn't like to be the parent having to say that.

Dana28 · 06/06/2019 13:12

They're far too young to be left even for that short time
If nearly 10 is far too young, what age do you propose starting to give them responsibility and independence? Good parenting is not about wrapping your dc in cotton wool. It is about gradually giving them the tools to cope with adult life. This is a gradual process

Babdoc · 06/06/2019 13:14

Crikey, I’m glad I had my DC 30 years ago, before all this “wrapping them in cotton wool for 18 years” nonsense!
I was a widowed single parent from when they were babies. They had to be practical and resourceful from very young.
When I was incapacitated with flu, my then 4 year old crossed a road to the village shop to get milk by herself.

They both walked home alone daily from the village school when they were 7 and 9, got themselves a cold drink and biscuits, and looked after themselves at home for a couple of hours until I got home from work 17 miles away.
When they went to uni, they had to give tutorials on how to use a washing machine, change a plug or cook meals, to the helpless fellow students who’d been mollycoddled by their ever present parents for their whole childhood!
Children thrive on responsibility, and need to learn risk management and life skills. You do them no favours by treating them as helpless dependents.

Janus · 06/06/2019 13:21

No way would I leave a 7 year old and a 9 year old on their own even for 15-20 minutes. Let alone the extra time. Legally you can but if anything were to happen you’d be held accountable for leaving them on their own. It’s all the ‘what ifs’, even silly things like what if they had a big row, who would stop them. Let alone someone ringing the bell nonstop so they feel they need to go and have a look, if there’s a power cut and they get afraid being on their own when the tv goes off, there’s an accident on route hole for husband so he’s severely late. Those things would be in my head, couldn’t leave them. 11 would be the youngest I’d consider and I have an 11 year old (and older and younger children) and haven’t left her on her own.

confusedat30 · 06/06/2019 13:21

Way too young, even for that 15 minutes

Dana28 · 06/06/2019 13:22

This week for the first time ever someone left a tap on and our bathroom completely flooded, water dripping through the ceiling etc. I have no idea what my dc would have done if alone in that scenario. I

I presume they would ring you and you would talk them through what to do. Turn off stopcock and go into a different room.meanwhile you or dh jump in a taxi

MrsMiggins37 · 06/06/2019 13:23

I’m 46 years old Babdoc, was by no means “wrapped in cotton wool” and would never have been left home alone at 7 years old. Of course children have to learn independence but it’s a gradual thing and there’s still an age where being left alone is inappropriate and 7 is still in that realm IMO. I started leaving mine for short periods at 9/nearly 10 while I popped to shops and have left them for longer periods in prep for starting high school and coming home alone.

In this case 9 is probably Ok but I wouldn’t like to be at the mercy of a bus for getting me back. 7 is too young and not reasonable or fair for a 9 year old to be in charge of.

Buddyelf · 06/06/2019 13:32

This thread has kicked my anxiety off good and proper. Sorry OP but I have to agree with the majority, you are being seriously unreasonable to leave them home alone at that age.
The idea of me closing the door on my 7 year old DD and getting on a bus and leaving in the opposite direction, no matter how long for, makes me feel like there is a boulder in my stomach and panic rises. I literally have nightmares about my kids being left home alone.
Stop leaving your kids home unattended. Sort child care or leave the course. There are a hundred things I would like to do with my time but don't because I have children and if I did those things they would be unattended - so I don't do those things.

myself2020 · 06/06/2019 14:33

I think what you are doing normally is fine - 20 minutes alone at home for a 7 and 9 year old is fine . They are not babies anymore! an hour is a bit long though!
(Disclaimers: i’m Not British. I expect my 6 year old to behave and be responsible)

myself2020 · 06/06/2019 14:34

I come from a European country- 6 year olds are expected to walk to school and back on their own, and of course stay at home alone for 15-20 minutes....

frogsoup · 06/06/2019 16:18

"I have an 11 year old (and older and younger children) and haven’t left her on her own."

And yet she'll presumably be off to secondary school in September under her own steam?! Madness.

I agree re the mollycoddled students. It's all very well saying 'oh there's plenty of time to foster independence later', but in my experience, it often doesn't, so you get 18yos, away from home for the first time, who don't know their arses from their elbows and need mummy and daddy to rescue them at the slightest hiccup.

frogsoup · 06/06/2019 16:19

*doesn't happen

mybeebop · 06/06/2019 16:25

I was fully prepared to read this thread and flame you as I assumed they’d be secondary school age. If the youngest was 9 (and a mature 9) and the sibling was at secondary school then I’d say that’s probably ok for a one-off but at 7 and 9.
Nope.
That’s not acceptable in my opinion.
They are too young.

Frusty · 06/06/2019 16:38

Dana28 I needed to turn off the downstairs lights to avoid the circuit shorting. I would not have a hope in hell of “talking them through” that on the phone! As I said, the two adults there barely knew what to do!

Janus · 06/06/2019 17:21

frogsouo - sorry, she’s walked around the high street with friends etc, will run into a shop on her own, has walked to school with a friend, I just haven’t left her in the house on her own. I am here before/after school so she will have me but I do plan to leave her for 20 minutes over the next few months but I wouldn’t leave her in charge of her 8 year old brother. So don’t see that as ‘madness’.

Original poster
NoTheyAreNotTeenagers · 06/06/2019 17:44

she’s walked around the high street with friends etc, will run into a shop on her own, has walked to school with a friend, I just haven’t left her in the house on her own.

I'd never let mine go to a shop alone, walk around town together/friends or anywhere that involves crossing a main road. I figured sitting on the sofa, in a child safe environment, watching tv, is far safer than any of those options!

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 06/06/2019 17:53

At that age neither of you should leave them home alone

Pinkblanket · 06/06/2019 18:03

My parents never left me home alone at 7, but I could still operate a washing machine by the time I went to university!

Janus · 06/06/2019 18:10

But my daughter is 11 not 9 or 7!!!

Watsername · 06/06/2019 18:46

Too young! I have only just started leaving my 11 year old at home for short periods.

jellycatspyjamas · 06/06/2019 19:10

I would leave a sensible 9 year old alone for 15 minutes but on their own, not with their younger sibling. 9 is too young to be responsible for another person no matter how well behaved they both are. I’d not leave either child alone at home for an hour or more - at that age they still need me around, and it’s past the point where tv would keep them engaged.

It’s nit an offence to leave them but if something happened while you were gone, you’d both be held to account for your and your DH actions.

Dana28 · 07/06/2019 02:16

If your 9yr old tripped on the stairs and was at the bottom, breathing but not moving or awake, what would your 7yr old do?
What would happen if it was just you and a 7 yo and you fell and were unconscious??

Dana28 · 07/06/2019 02:22

My parents never left me home alone at 7,

the thread is not about leaving a 7 year old ALONE but with an almost10 to for about an hour

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