DH not telling me he's planning to leave DC at home alone

[NoTheyAreNotTeenagers]

I started an evening course which DH suggested and is 100% behind. The DC used to have a sports club, so I dropped them off, went to my course and DH picked them up. They've stopped that sports club for the summer so I've been taking the 530pm bus on the understanding that DH will be home on the 546pm bus. DC are happy with this, I turn on the tv before I go and they sit and watch until DH is home.
They are allowed tv 5-6pm anyway and generally don't move until we call them for their food.

I just texted him to remind him I'm at my course this week and he replied saying he would most likely be late home and arriving at 620pm.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off with him not telling me in advance? I could have arranged something, but now there's no one I can ask at such sort notice. The next bus leaves after my course starts. He says he spoke to the DC about it last time and they are ok with being left alone until he's there. He thinks I'm babying them (I wouldn't leave them to get themselves alone to school when I had a hospital appointment, took them to a friend's house) and they will be fine. I'm on edge as I think they're too young, 7 and 9.

I think what you're doing is too risky too. There are loads of ways your plan could go wrong (traffic, bus breaks down etc) and loads of situations that young kids won't know how to deal with. I don't think that 15 mins is ok. It is not the same as hanging the washing out at all.

Yes and that's borderline too young, but its hardly child protection territory. If they are nearer 8 and 10 than 6 and 8 then 20 minutes seems pretty fine if they are sensible and not too isolated. An hour, I agree is too long, but again I wouldn't be utterly horrified, just would probably not do it myself.

Popping down to hang out washing whilst still in the vicinity is one thing. Leaving them to go on a bus elsewhere is another thing entirely.

I think that leaving them for 15 minutes at that age is fine. It's a little taste of responsibility and trust. At that age they can use a phone if need be and if the worst happens evacuate themselves! OK an hour is possibly a stretch but as long as they know when to expect someone back I think it would be OK also, depends on the individual children. I rearly think we over molly children now they need a little trust and at times a little risk to learn from.

Nope to young i would not leave a 7 and 9 yr old on their own in the house .My one DC is a very mature 10yr old and i won't leave them on their own .Too me it's too young .

Hearthside won't your very mature 10 year old be going to secondary school before too long? We have been leaving my 10 year old for short periods for a while now. She'll have to make her own way to and from school in September, and will have to amuse herself at home until I get back from work. It seems bizarre to think that other children the same age aren't ever left.

I think that children can be a lot more responsible than we give them credit for. At 4, my DD had an 'emergency' situation where the adult with her was incapacitated. Completely unforeseeable, and yeah, scary for all concerned, but she let herself out, knocked on the neighbour's door and it was sorted.

A parent reported to my school a very immature 7 Yr old being left home alone for an hour while his mum picked up younger sibling from nursery. The school sought advice from the safeguarding people at the lea and were told it was within the bounds of responsible parenting.
Another time I called round at a house we rented out to a middle aged woman and her 9 yo ds. This was on a evening and thus little boy told me that his mum had gone into town for the evening and she did so every Friday night until gone midnight. Social services told me this was no cause for concern. School nurse friends 9 yo dd is a latch key kid.
I think mn ideas of what is responsible parenting is out of step with professional standards

But surely social services standards are the absolute bare minimum parenting.

There is a big gap between sensible parenting and actions which require social services to intervene.

What everyone is saying is that this is definitely sub par parenting. Not that it is social services intervention level

@Dana28 those 'professional standards' are totally out with any safeguarding/child protection professionals ideas of ok in all my years of doing this work in different parts of the country. 9 yr old home alone while mum out on the piss regularly? I don't buy it. Even the most hard pressed and stressed social worker would struggle to turn a blind eye to that one

I agree with PP I would not leave them alone at all. I have the Heebie jeebies leaving DS 7 with DS 15 and 12 for 10 minutes whilst I nip round the corner for milk! Anything could happen if 7 and 9.

I wouldn't be leaving them at all. I agree with what the majority of people have said, sorry op.

MrsKCastle not until Sept next year so yeap she will be going on the school bus then .But we live in a very quiet rural village so i would not feel comfortable leaving her even though she is mature i just feel she is still too young at the moment .

Do they:

1. have access to and know how to use a phone?
2. know how to ring 999?
3. know their address to give to an emergency operator if required?
4. have a neighbour they know they can run to in an emergency?

There’s no difference in leaving them for 20 minutes or leaving them for 50 minutes. Either they are ready to be left or they aren’t.

I’m fairly relaxed and leave my 7 year old with my 10 year old while I walk the dog nearby. But I wouldn’t do this and don’t know anyone who would.

I definitely wouldn’t leave them to get themselves to school either.

True story:
Mother at work, father left in charge of children similar ages to yours. Father decides to go out for 'a bit' leaving his dc for a few hours. Delivery driver knocks on door and child opens door and tells him no parent is home and their sibling doesn't feel well. Delivery driver calls police.

Father is arrested and found guilty of child neglect. As a consequence he loses his job and is unable to continue in his career as it involved vulnerable people.

Their family life is devastated.

@PositiveVibez I've started leaving my 10yo while I pop to the shop, but I always take my youngest (7) with me. I'm with you, the older one isn't mature enough to look after another child, no matter what length of time. You need a babysitter OP.

Haffdonga I think our communal response to that situation should be horror that the law has overstepped and over reacted, not that that's proof we can't leave our children alone for short periods.

There is an epidemic of children leaving for secondary and then leaving home who do not know how to take care of themselves because parents are too nervous to leave them alone. This is really parents' fault for not starting to give their children small amounts of independence and responsibility at a young age and increasing it in reasonable increments as they get older. I'm part of this as well - it's so much easier to do things for htem and to give into my fears and not leave them alone, but I'm trying to overcome my fear for their own good.

It certainly wasn't like this when we were growing up.

I don't think leaving the DC for the 15 minutes overlap is an issue if they're generally sensible kids, I used to leave DC1 alone for about 20 minutes to take DC2 to an activity before DH could get home. But I knew my DC and what was reasonable to expect of him. But DH and I agreed that course of action together.

The OP is not U to be annoyed that her DH has unilaterally moved the goalposts for this, this should be something that both parents are happy with.

I think our communal response to that situation should be horror that the law has overstepped and over reacted

WTF? Two young children left alone in the house with no way of contacting a parent and one of them becomes ill. How is that not neglect? How are you supposed to 'measure' that - so, would it end up being neglect if said ill child was having an allergic reaction or actually had meningitis and died, but if it luckily turned out just to be a dodgy tummy then, whew, it's not neglect and all is well?

Presumably the gravity of the children actually being left where they were able to open the door to a stranger, clearly had no way of contacting the parent also featured in the decision to prosecute. Probably also the length of time he was gone for - a few hours, clearly not a quick dash to the shop.

Not an overreaction at all.

I wouldn't leave them for any amount of time. The person who should be enrolling in a course is your DP. A parenting one.

I have an 11 yo and a 7 year old and no way would I leave them alone together for any length of time at all nevermind a 9 year old.

I start leaving my DC for short spells alone age 10 and build up.

I happily leave my 14,year old in charge for an hour or two at a push but not 9.

You need to get a babysitter or do your hobby at a different time.

9 year old is closer to 10, 7 is 7.5. They both know all the neighbours (only kids in house) and know to go and knock if need help. I've asked our 4 direct neighbours before and they all said they didn't want to sit with our DC but would be happy to check on/be there if they needed to knock. Both know how to call me (And DH) from the house phone.

The bus ride is not 20 mins, but 8 mins. I usually check DH is where he is supposed to be before I leave home and as my bus comes into the main station. If he was delayed, I would taxi home. I also check he's home before my course starts.

The washing - DS started to refuse to come with at 5, DD at 4. So started off by leaving (alone) whilst running to shove a load in, but not when hanging it up. Then gradually building up. Any misbehaviour and they had to come with me again. School complained DS wasn't independent enough when he started and suggested he be let out to play alone so it seemed like a more controlled way to let him have some independence.

fizzy what you said is what's bothering me I would be astonished and absolutely fucking furious that my DH had apparently decided to make the call on whether my children were old enough to leave unsupervised for a significant time. Had talked to them about it. Was going to do it.

And had not thought it necessary to even tell me about it, much less consult me.

That would be the absolute end of proper, don't-need-to-check trust. I would be gobsmacked at his thought processes.
I'm probably going have to go into hospital soon for one day, maybe 4 depending on how complicated the op turns out to be. And now I'm worried I won't be able to.

Honestly if you can't leave a nearly 10 and 7.5 Yr old for an hour or so, you have gone wrong somewhere with your parenting

OMG far too young!! Definitely should not be left alone for that period of time.

As someone who lives in a block of flats I'd be pretty pissed off at the assumption that I could or would offer childcare whenever two people nearby felt like it.